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Postby Anna Mae » Mon Apr 17, 2006 5:54 pm

First of all, I must profusely apologize for my long absence. The loophole I slipped through got closed, and I have been finding it to be increasingly difficult to get onto CAA.

"The Celebration of the Slain Children; That Damned Women Celebrates her Sin"
Wow, that is dark. I must confess that I don't really understand it, though.

"'O' Marduk, Whence Did Thy Fall?"

'O' Marduk, usurper of the throne.
Whence did you fall from grace.
To play as a jester in lesser mans courts?
It should be "man's"
To become a drunkard in a adultresses blood?
"Adultresses" should be changed to "adultress' "
Stricken dead with leoprasy.

'O' Marduk, slayer of the civilizations.
Whence did you lose your power.
To lesser gods and goddesses.
Despire your endless widsom,
You did not forsee your fall.

Chorus
Your women fled.
The concubines were slain by the sword.
Laid to waste was your walls.
Marduk, you ******* of malicious ideals.

"O" Marduk, you false god.
Whence did you believe?
That you're as great as you think you are?
That you become drunk on your power and riches?
That you kill for pleasure?

'O' Marduk, rapist of innonce.
Whence did you begin to,
Enjoy slaughtering your followers by a whim?
That you demand sacrifices to gods of deciet and malice?
Sacrifices of maids and babes.

Chorus

Your temples were torn down.
Marduk, father of bstards.
I believe you mean "bastards"
Your followers forsake you.
Kocking your ideals in the dirt.
Stabbing you with thier swords of revenge.
Kicking your face in and spilling your guts.
Across the valley of death.
'O' Marduk, leech of the true God.
You have fallen into the abyss.
Enthroned in darkness; enthroned in shame.

Chorus

'O' Marduk, spawn of your sin.
You feel when you were concieved.

I feel like I have heard the name Marduk somewhere before... I assume that it is referring to Lucifer?
That was when I was experimenting with violent and gory lyrics. Shortly after, I tried to tone it done and go for a poetical snse.
I would say that you definately got the job done. I was beginnign to worry about you. Why in particular were you experimenting with lyrics as such?
[SIZE="4"][color="DarkSlateBlue"]God has called me to mission work in Paraguay and Brazil. I may return to CAA someday. God bless all of you![/color][/SIZE]

[i]Two vast and trunk-less legs of stone stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, half sunk, a shattered visage lies. Round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare the lone and level sands stretch far away. On the pedestal these words are inscribed:

“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!â€
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Location: Brazil

Postby Anna Mae » Mon Apr 17, 2006 6:04 pm

"About a Twilight that We Longed For"

She plucks the flowers from her hair.
And throws them in the wind.
Kissing them goodbye.
She walks into her grave.
Not looking back to the flowers.
So she walks into her grave.
Prepared by her lover.
She closes her eyes.
And grows cold inside.

I would suggest leaving out all of the periods at the end of each line, unless you were using them for stylistic purposes.

Her heart is cold; her womb is empty.
She cries out in her fake birthpains.
Oh the agony. Oh the agony.

She dreams of a meadow.
Enveloped in twilight.
Hearing the nightingales sing.
Dancing upon the night flowers blooming.
Her heart longs to walk this plane.
Of a dream enveloped in a twilight.

She tears of her black viel of morning.
"Viel" should be spelled "veil." Did you intend to use the word "morning" (as in early in the day)? Or, did you mean in the sense of sadness (in which case it would be "mourning")?
And castes a light from herself.
I believe that there shouldn't be an 'e' in "castes".
Epitome of holy light.
She touches the grass.
Her slender frame stooping down.
So she puts forth her love.
A tender, beautiful smile.
She closes her eyes.
And grows warm inside.

Two girls standing on a distant shore.
One is cold and sad.
The other warm and joyful.
Yet love elludes them; happiness flees.
Waves lap thier feet.
As they sob into it's foam.
Eliminate the apostrophe.
Clutching thier cloaks.
"Thier" should be spelled "their."
And casting themselves.
Into the oceans fury.
You need an apostrophe after the n in oceans.

Where does the ocean take thier lovely bodies.
So cold and sad; warm and joyful?
Both two people who love did not find them.
Whom they searched for.
But, alas, hope died in thier hearts.
May the find the stream of conscious.
Do you mean "they" instead of "the"?
In the twilight meadow
Where nightingales sing and night flowers bloom.
Where our hearts long.


Your writing has certainly gotten more mysterious. What do you mean by this one?
[SIZE="4"][color="DarkSlateBlue"]God has called me to mission work in Paraguay and Brazil. I may return to CAA someday. God bless all of you![/color][/SIZE]

[i]Two vast and trunk-less legs of stone stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, half sunk, a shattered visage lies. Round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare the lone and level sands stretch far away. On the pedestal these words are inscribed:

“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!â€
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Location: Brazil

Postby Anna Mae » Mon Apr 17, 2006 6:09 pm

Hurrah for Tolkein poetry.

"Of Oath and Bloodshed"

Skies of old.
Your stars of light.
The coming of the Noldor.
Into Beleriand; under a star-lite twilight.
Perhaps you mean "starlight" instead of "star-lite."
Coming forth under glorious might.
Where the light of Aman still shines.
On their valiant faces.

The Noldor; under the ban of the Valar.
Disposed, homeless, treacherous.
Guilty of kinslyaing.
Guilty of treachery.
Guilty of rebellion.
Upon them is the wraith of the gods.
Do you really mean "wraith," as in a ringwraith, or did you mean "wrath?"
The Noldor; The High Elves

War upon Morgoth, the Dark Lord.
For raping of the Simarils, Jewels of Light.
Crimson swords of the oath.
None shall hinder there cause.
I think perhaps you mean "their" instead of "there."
Wether be Vala, Demon, Elf, or Man.
"Wether" should be "whether."
And for this, the Doom of Mandos.
And the Oath of Fëanor.
Will constrain them.
And bind them.

The Noldor; Mighty is Strengh and Lore.
Shall make songs that many will wonder.
But for them, they will pay dearly.
For this is thier doom.
[SIZE="4"][color="DarkSlateBlue"]God has called me to mission work in Paraguay and Brazil. I may return to CAA someday. God bless all of you![/color][/SIZE]

[i]Two vast and trunk-less legs of stone stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, half sunk, a shattered visage lies. Round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare the lone and level sands stretch far away. On the pedestal these words are inscribed:

“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!â€
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Joined: Fri Aug 27, 2004 5:43 am
Location: Brazil

Postby Anna Mae » Mon Apr 17, 2006 6:15 pm

"Isle of Werewolves"
Huh. Tolkein's reference to werewolves is obscure.

Hatred and violence.
Seap from it's walls.
Once again, remove the apostrophe from "it's."
Disease and pestilence.
In the twilight; the demon-wolf calls.
Where the victims cry and moan
Seated in majesty upon the dark throne.
Behold he is the Dark Lord.
Commanding his horde.

Sauron.
Master of Night
Sauron.
Commander of Might.
In Tol-in-Gaurhoth.
The Isle of Werewolves.
He reigns.

I like this chorus part. It fits the style of the poem very well; it has a suiting ring to it.

Enemies of Morgoth.
We will slaughter and defile.
Like a fire attracts a moth.
Our torment and hatred is nothing but vile.
For he commands us and we obey.
We will leave the villages rot in decay.
For we have been mastered.
Spawn of the *******!

Sauron.
Master of Night
Sauron.
Commander of Might.
In Tol-in-Gaurhoth.
The Isle of Werewolves.
He reigns.

Upon cruel Tol-in-Gaurhoth.
Black is it's stone.
Here is another "it's" that you need to change.
Right hand of Morgoth.
Flesh, flith, and bone.
The Isle of Werewolves.
The Elvish bane.

Sauron.
Master of Night
Sauron.
Commander of Might.
In Tol-in-Gaurhoth.
The Isle of Werewolves.
He reigns.


I just really like that chorus part. Good discription of Sauron.
[SIZE="4"][color="DarkSlateBlue"]God has called me to mission work in Paraguay and Brazil. I may return to CAA someday. God bless all of you![/color][/SIZE]

[i]Two vast and trunk-less legs of stone stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, half sunk, a shattered visage lies. Round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare the lone and level sands stretch far away. On the pedestal these words are inscribed:

“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!â€
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Joined: Fri Aug 27, 2004 5:43 am
Location: Brazil

Postby Hitokiri » Thu May 04, 2006 5:43 pm

Anna Mae wrote:First of all, I must profusely apologize for my long absence. The loophole I slipped through got closed, and I have been finding it to be increasingly difficult to get onto CAA.

"The Celebration of the Slain Children]
Wow, that is dark. I must confess that I don't really understand it, though.

[i]"'O' Marduk, Whence Did Thy Fall?"

'O' Marduk, usurper of the throne.
Whence did you fall from grace.
To play as a jester in lesser mans courts?
It should be "man's"
To become a drunkard in a adultresses blood?
"Adultresses" should be changed to "adultress' "
Stricken dead with leoprasy.

'O' Marduk, slayer of the civilizations.
Whence did you lose your power.
To lesser gods and goddesses.
Despire your endless widsom,
You did not forsee your fall.

Chorus
Your women fled.
The concubines were slain by the sword.
Laid to waste was your walls.
Marduk, you ******* of malicious ideals.

"O" Marduk, you false god.
Whence did you believe?
That you're as great as you think you are?
That you become drunk on your power and riches?
That you kill for pleasure?

'O' Marduk, rapist of innonce.
Whence did you begin to,
Enjoy slaughtering your followers by a whim?
That you demand sacrifices to gods of deciet and malice?
Sacrifices of maids and babes.

Chorus

Your temples were torn down.
Marduk, father of bstards.
I believe you mean "bastards"
Your followers forsake you.
Kocking your ideals in the dirt.
Stabbing you with thier swords of revenge.
Kicking your face in and spilling your guts.
Across the valley of death.
'O' Marduk, leech of the true God.
You have fallen into the abyss.
Enthroned in darkness; enthroned in shame.

Chorus

'O' Marduk, spawn of your sin.
You feel when you were concieved.

I feel like I have heard the name Marduk somewhere before... I assume that it is referring to Lucifer?
I would say that you definately got the job done. I was beginnign to worry about you. Why in particular were you experimenting with lyrics as such?


I just wanted to try a different approach. As well, my musical tastes are changing so I see my writings tune into that as well. And sorry for the spelling mistakes haha. My lyrics are starting to resmble a telling of a story then lyrics to, let's say, coping with depression or suicide. Like ""About a Twilight that We Longed For" is a story I just created.

Oh by the way.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marduk Basically that song was for false religions and sticking it where the sun don't shine. The only set of lyrics I wrote or ever write that will do it sense I like to be nuetral concerning religion.
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Postby Hitokiri » Thu May 04, 2006 6:01 pm

Here's some more I wrote:

"Aphrodite"

She calls to me from the moonlight garden
Beckoning by ever wandering steps
Her sweet voice falls in the air
Like a refreshing rain in Spring
She sprints like a deer
Her footsteps are light and unheard
Barely bending the blade of grass
The gardens and forests are her realm
Unsullied light falls on her face
Her hair waves in the wind
Everchanging in hues
From raven black to spring green to golden yellow
For she is Love and all see her love her
Nothing do I desire to hold her
And embrace her under boughs
Of the great tree of moonlight
But in a second, she is gone
Laughing sweetly in the night
For no mortal can ever reach her
Or love her as thier own; as a wife
She is a free spirit
Free, beautiful, and lovely
Beyond compare

"A Horse, a Chariot, and the Coming of Slaughter"

Shield your eyes O' son of Fate
Prepare the onslaught of this years harvest
As we reap the wailing souls
Bitter tears cry in the night
The neighing of horses and stench of war
And tonight innocence will be betrayed
On this month of woe

Chorus
O dead man, bury your wives
O dead men, shoot yourselves
Bury your children
For ye have sinned against the One above Us
So prepare for judgement
Father of Deformity and Malice

Infest the world O' children of Agony
Nightwraiths wailing in the darkness
Wolves in human shapes
Monsters of tusk and blood
The wheels of torture etch closer and closer
To the sound of the legions marching
On this month of decay

Chorus

Father, hide your daughters
The clouds bear the symbol of hate
The highest tempest makes war
For the sins committed
The men hang on bloody crosses
As the houses are ransacked and torched

March to beat hellish comrades
Slaughter and war
Make upon the heathens
Of wrath and unwavering flames
We will conquer

Chorus x2

And in the night, you will hear the victims cry
The neighing of horses
And the chariot of death speeding onwards
On the sounds of war

(some more dabbling into gory lyrics after being inspired by some black/death metal bands.)

Please note this following lyric is pretty graphic and brutal. In fact, I snipped several parts due to the graphic content. Mods, if this is to much, you can take it off. I put it up because I wrote it and I want to share what I wrote.
[spoiler=nother gory lyric]"******* of Blood"

I regret killing you
I regret burying your broken body
I regret eating your heart
I regret being your friend
I regret you being born
I regret knowing you

Because you held the key to this heart
And when you tried to unlock it
I put a gun to your head
Said a silent prayer and splattered your brains
All across your mothers face

Chorus
Disembowel this wordly flesh
Cut off your legs
Run with a limp!
Gouge out your eyes
So you can see!
Begin to live you dirty ******!

I regret stabbing you
I regret slicing apart your skin
I regret smashing your face
I regret our first meeting
I regret our first embrace
I regret loving you

Because you dissected my intense hatred
And because you loved me
I pushed you away
I ran away in that dismal rain while cursing at you
So that you would go to hell

Chorus

Heaven is out of your reach
Hell does not want you
So just die you ******
For breaking my heart
For taking it and stabbing it continously
For discreting on it and mocking it
I hate you! I hate you! I HATE YOU!

Chorus

So as I kiss and hug you
I will stab you in the back
And when I tell you I love you
It also means I lust for you
(Took out for being overly graphic)
Yet I want to be gentle and delicate.
I want to rid you of that sickening innocence
Yet I want to protect you from the world
You are my everything and my nothing
Good, by my love
Enjoy my parting kiss and a shot in the head

----
It was hard to write however I wanted to experiment on different types of emeotions. I rarely have angry or hateful emotions so this was intresting. However, the result was twisted. Nevertheless, I still consider it a good piece of lyrics. I actually wrote this while listening to some J-Pop. As well, alot of people liked this one because of the anger is contrived.[/spoiler]

"The First Romance"

Bring this flower to my heart
Hold it close so I can breathe it in
Like a drug; I feel adicted to your loveliness
The smell of your beautiful hair
The touch your your slender fingers
Brings a warmth to my chest
Your breasts are at full-bloom
And I hold you towards me
For our love is like the fire unquenched
And the stars, the sun, and the moon stand witness
That our love is forever enduring, forevering promising
Night has waned and day was waxing
And our love endures the tulmults of the earth
Beyond the age of stars and time
Your slender frame embraces me
And our eyes gazes into the depths of summer
Forever piercing the shadows and darkness
For our love is as pure as fallen laiden snow
And lo, a golden fruit is born from you
The fruit that gives live in which gives birth
To joy, happiness, sorrow, and lamentation
For you, my entire being is given to
For ever since I laid eyes on you
In the Forests of Twilight
Have I loved you deeply
And our union rbings forth man
And through us lies there fate
And I look upon you after our labor
And the stars shine in your hair
The smell of many spring fields is about you
The twinkle of many rains is your voice
And the touch of your hand
Is like the refreshing air that comes from Spring when Winter has passed
For you are my lover and I love you
And to me I have taken you to be bethrothed
O Maiden of Life, my love for you knows no bounds
So that this love is inparted from me to our children
The Unhappy men that crawl in the dark world
Outside of thought, outside of sight
And these children we teach of music, merryment, and love
That reflects our love in the beginning of days

"The Tale of Fwinhil; Master of Stars"
Motionless she waits in a world of clear
Glory embodied in a figure of light
Wrapped in white; doves sing oh so near
Running on the sward; her feet aflight
In the paths of dreams beyond the songs of Men
Alone she wonders in the forests of Amethyst
Wondering on paths long forgotten
Hidden shadows in the twilight mist

For lo the maiden; wrapped in white
Faring fotth into the paths devoid of light
Glowing for she is a child of the gods
The tears of an angels who lament thier grief
Of the lost of a maiden of so pure

Thence she set forth to the Gates of Night
Where the Moon comes to harbor
And where the Sun did not radiate her light
Thence she passes under that black arbor
Therefore, she casts back her raiment
Casting her radiance unsullied by sin
Darkness fled and shadows were rent
From her came a light like from a glass within

For she is the Mother of Light
She is named Fwinihil
She is the one who sheds tears
That fall on the Earth to replenish it's hurts
In her eyes lies the highest of doom

Therefore she casts her beautiful tears
Into the heavely airs of the twilight sky
Ripples where made in those twilight meres
Forth she talks to those lights up high
And names she gives to each one
Each according to thier radiant stature
Rival do they the mistress of the Sun
Of whom She chases but they ellude Her capture

For these are stars; the greatest of gifts
Given to those who are weary of travel
And seek to find thier way back home again
Treasured are the stars; glasses of light
Among the unhappy mortal men
For these are dear to thier hearts
And a silent doom lay on them

For the Maiden of White faired forth
Thither did she wonder from the Gates of Night
Hence she heads back to the heavens
To give of her beautiful light
Of the deeds she has done
The stars is most praised
For which lies in the core of these heavenly bodies
Lies the pity, love, and joy of Fwinhil

And one more song dealing with Tolkien

"Tales of the Sorrowful Tears of the Maidens"


Tears of sorrow overflowed
The blood stained the skies overhead
For shields and swords and wills so bold
Now lay in rotten heaps all dead
In bitter anguish and darkness creeping
The watchful darkness and cunning
The orcs in labor; corspes heaping
For the sorrow of Nirnaeth Arnoediad

Chorus
The maidens cry out
The children rot in poverty
Thier men lay in the Hill of the Slain
These tears will not wash away
Thier bitterness feeds on thier hearts
As they decay in slavery

No longer did the men return
To thier far houses in Hithlum
To thier houses where warm fire burn
But, rather, they lay dead in decay
Rusted swords and bleahced out skulls
Never again to welcome the sight of day
While others languish in those darken halls
Captured on the disaster of Nirnaeth Arnoediad

Chorus

Victory for the Alliance, almost full wought
Until the body of Fingon fell
The hosts of the Eldar and Edain
Could not hold back the hellish horde
There Gothmog did lavish
In the death of his foes
For that day of sorrow
Died the spirit of innocence

Chorus

As of right now, I am leaning towards Romantic Goth/Doom Metal lyrics if anything.
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Postby Anna Mae » Sun May 07, 2006 11:51 am

What prompted you to write "Aphrodite"?
Her sweet voice falls in the air
Like a refreshing rain in Spring

I would suggest using a verb other than 'fall.' It sounded a bit awkward when I read it.

Nothing do I desire to hold her
And embrace her under boughs
Of the great tree of moonlight

Do you mean, "Nothing do I desire more than to hold her"?

But in a second, she is gone
Laughing sweetly in the night
For no mortal can ever reach her
Or love her as thier own; as a wife

"Thier" should be "their."

I will take a wild stab at your meaning. Are you talking about how people have unrealistic expectations for spouses, and if you are looking for perfection you will never be happy?
[SIZE="4"][color="DarkSlateBlue"]God has called me to mission work in Paraguay and Brazil. I may return to CAA someday. God bless all of you![/color][/SIZE]

[i]Two vast and trunk-less legs of stone stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, half sunk, a shattered visage lies. Round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare the lone and level sands stretch far away. On the pedestal these words are inscribed:

“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!â€
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Anna Mae
 
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Location: Brazil

Postby Anna Mae » Sun May 07, 2006 12:09 pm

Well, I found "A Horse, a Chariot, and the Coming of Slaughter" to be a tad bit disturbing.

Shield your eyes O' son of Fate The apostrophe after the O is superfluous. Also, you should probably have a comma after 'eyes.'
Prepare the onslaught of this years harvest
'Years' should have an apostrophe after the r and the s.
As we reap the wailing souls
Bitter tears cry in the night
The neighing of horses and stench of war
And tonight innocence will be betrayed
On this month of woe
In my opinion the phrasing would be better here if you replaced ''on' with 'in.'

Chorus
O dead man, bury your wives
Do you mean 'dead men' instead of 'dead man'?
O dead men, shoot yourselves
Bury your children
For ye have sinned against the One above Us
So prepare for judgement
Father of Deformity and Malice
Is this statement referring to God?

Infest the world O' children of Agony
Once again, the aapostrophe is superfluouss. A comma after world would not be.
Nightwraiths wailing in the darkness
Wolves in human shapes
Monsters of tusk and blood
The wheels of torture etch closer and closer
Unless you are using 'etch' in a way with which I am not familiar, I think that you must mean 'inch.'

Father, hide your daughtersWas using father as a singular noun instead of plural deliberate?
The clouds bear the symbol of hate
The highest tempest makes war
For the sins committed
The men hang on bloody crosses
As the houses are ransacked and torched
Is this a reference to Christ? I'm not sure that I quite understand this part.

And in the night, you will hear the victims cry
The neighing of horses
And the chariot of death speeding onwards
On the sounds of war
The last two lines here are good.

(some more dabbling into gory lyrics after being inspired by some black/death metal bands.)
I know the feeling of wanting to write with dark lyrics, but a question to ask yourself would be, "Am I honoring God by writing this?"
[SIZE="4"][color="DarkSlateBlue"]God has called me to mission work in Paraguay and Brazil. I may return to CAA someday. God bless all of you![/color][/SIZE]

[i]Two vast and trunk-less legs of stone stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, half sunk, a shattered visage lies. Round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare the lone and level sands stretch far away. On the pedestal these words are inscribed:

“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!â€
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Postby creed4 » Sun May 07, 2006 12:09 pm

I haven't read them all, but the ones I have read are good, keep up the work
Tis No Fool to lose what he can not keep to gain what he can never lose.
What does it profit a man to gain the World yet lose his soul.
Choose Life that you Might live.
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Postby Anna Mae » Sun May 07, 2006 12:28 pm

I apologize that I do not have sufficient time to finish reading your new poems. I will try to get back here sometime soon.
[SIZE="4"][color="DarkSlateBlue"]God has called me to mission work in Paraguay and Brazil. I may return to CAA someday. God bless all of you![/color][/SIZE]

[i]Two vast and trunk-less legs of stone stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, half sunk, a shattered visage lies. Round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare the lone and level sands stretch far away. On the pedestal these words are inscribed:

“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!â€
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Anna Mae
 
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Joined: Fri Aug 27, 2004 5:43 am
Location: Brazil

Postby Hitokiri » Sun May 07, 2006 12:42 pm

Anna Mae wrote:What prompted you to write "Aphrodite"?
Her sweet voice falls in the air
Like a refreshing rain in Spring

I would suggest using a verb other than 'fall.' It sounded a bit awkward when I read it.

Nothing do I desire to hold her
And embrace her under boughs
Of the great tree of moonlight

Do you mean, "Nothing do I desire more than to hold her"?

But in a second, she is gone
Laughing sweetly in the night
For no mortal can ever reach her
Or love her as thier own]
"Thier" should be "their."

I will take a wild stab at your meaning. Are you talking about how people have unrealistic expectations for spouses, and if you are looking for perfection you will never be happy?


To me, Aphrodite is how I try and describe beauty. It a love poem. As well, I wanted to give a "fantasy" feel and I took portions of Tolkien's writings concerning the Maiar Melian when Elu Thingol found under the night sky. I just wanted to pain a potrait of love but that was intresting in what you saw it as.

Anna Mae wrote:Well, I found "A Horse, a Chariot, and the Coming of Slaughter" to be a tad bit disturbing.

[i]Shield your eyes O' son of Fate The apostrophe after the O is superfluous. Also, you should probably have a comma after 'eyes.'
Prepare the onslaught of this years harvest
'Years' should have an apostrophe after the r and the s.
As we reap the wailing souls
Bitter tears cry in the night
The neighing of horses and stench of war
And tonight innocence will be betrayed
On this month of woe
In my opinion the phrasing would be better here if you replaced ''on' with 'in.'

Chorus
O dead man, bury your wives
Do you mean 'dead men' instead of 'dead man'?
O dead men, shoot yourselves
Bury your children
For ye have sinned against the One above Us
So prepare for judgement
Father of Deformity and Malice
Is this statement referring to God?

In this song, I tried to create my own religion and failed. I wanted to portray a sense of warith and judgement by sending hellish hordes to basically destroy the sinning world. So in this sense, "Father of Deformity and Malice" could be anything - but I linked it to a Satan-type figure who has caused this sin.

Infest the world O' children of AgonyOnce again, the aapostrophe is superfluouss. A comma after world would not be.
Nightwraiths wailing in the darkness
Wolves in human shapes
Monsters of tusk and blood
The wheels of torture etch closer and closer
Unless you are using 'etch' in a way with which I am not familiar, I think that you must mean 'inch.'

Wow...hmm...I have no idea why I put etch. Proably "inch" then haha.

Father, hide your daughtersWas using father as a singular noun instead of plural deliberate?
I intended that a father with multiple daughters, as if speaking to one entity.

The clouds bear the symbol of hate
The highest tempest makes war
For the sins committed
The men hang on bloody crosses
As the houses are ransacked and torched Is this a reference to Christ? I'm not sure that I quite understand this part.
Actually the opposite, to me, this represents hell. Hell is decending on earth for this sinful actions and therefore being subjected tot he wraith of the gods.

And in the night, you will hear the victims cry
The neighing of horses
And the chariot of death speeding onwards
On the sounds of war
The last two lines here are good.

(some more dabbling into gory lyrics after being inspired by some black/death metal bands.)
I know the feeling of wanting to write with dark lyrics, but a question to ask yourself would be, "Am I honoring God by writing this?"


This took a while to answer and I thought about it for a while but, and this may sound wrong or whatever, but I don't see my lyrics totally honoring God. I am Christian but I dislike a large amount of Christian artists because I think by sticking to Christian themed lyrics, you are limiting yourself to that area. Just as if you are sticking to depressing lyrics, you only limit yourself. As of right now, none of my lyrics have any Christian-themes nor do I intend them to. You can decide wether that's good or not. Unless it's a stumbling block for you, I see no problem with branching out to possible tabboo subjects. I have a notebook full of demonic symbols and occultic symbols that I drew as points of refrences when I started studying them a while back so I can get a beeter grasp on the symbolism of the Occult. In the same way, I may experiement with possible satanic lyrics only as an concept to allow myself to branch out and expand my views. However, I won't write lyrics depicting sexual acts or draw them because I am weak against that sort of stuff. Maybe I am just rambling but...

I write lyrics or poems to sometimes try and convey a story about something that I feel. Like "Aphrodite" conveys love as a story. The gory lyriycs conveys a story when I feel violent and angry. A story that depicts a character or an event speaks stronger to me then involving actually me or someone else (you). If you can draw parallels between the two, that's cool. I like it when you can get something totally different from lyrics then what the writer orginally intended.

http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/amonamarth/versustheworld.html#3
http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/battlelore/thirdageofthesun.html#7
http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/saviourmachine/saviourmachine.html#8
These type of lyrics are heavily influencing me at this time.
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Postby Anna Mae » Fri May 26, 2006 8:57 am

Hitokiri wrote:This took a while to answer and I thought about it for a while but, and this may sound wrong or whatever, but I don't see my lyrics totally honoring God. I am Christian but I dislike a large amount of Christian artists because I think by sticking to Christian themed lyrics, you are limiting yourself to that area. Just as if you are sticking to depressing lyrics, you only limit yourself.
Just because you are Christian doesn't mean that all of your writings have to be mushy, happy, and/or lovey. I have poems about feeling that God doesn't exist, committing suicide, and whatnot, but I still see them as honoring God. Expressing feelings is okay. Being Christian shouldn't limit your writing. Christianity pertains to everything in all of existance. In 1 Corinthians 10:31 God calls us to do everything for his honor: "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

Hitokiri wrote:As of right now, none of my lyrics have any Christian-themes nor do I intend them to. You can decide wether that's good or not. Unless it's a stumbling block for you, I see no problem with branching out to possible tabboo subjects.
There isn't anything wrong with writing about taboo subjects, but there is something wrong with glorifying them.

Hitokiri wrote:I have a notebook full of demonic symbols and occultic symbols that I drew as points of refrences when I started studying them a while back so I can get a beeter grasp on the symbolism of the Occult. In the same way, I may experiement with possible satanic lyrics only as an concept to allow myself to branch out and expand my views.
This sends red flags popping up everywhere in my mind. By doing this you are not expanding your views. You are allowing Satan to pull you in and trap you. There is no freedom in the ways of evil. I understand interest in the mysterious, but there is no freedom or goodness anywhere in evil. This is not a healthy expansion of your views. Satan is crafty and will try to bring us down in any way that he can.

Hitokiri wrote:However, I won't write lyrics depicting sexual acts or draw them because I am weak against that sort of stuff. Maybe I am just rambling but...
Lyrics with the cultic symbols and dark meanins that you have been writing do not trip up me, but I think that perhhaps writing and reading these lyrics is causing you to stumble.

Hitokiri wrote:I write lyrics or poems to sometimes try and convey a story about something that I feel. Like "Aphrodite" conveys love as a story. The gory lyriycs conveys a story when I feel violent and angry. A story that depicts a character or an event speaks stronger to me then involving actually me or someone else (you). If you can draw parallels between the two, that's cool. I like it when you can get something totally different from lyrics then what the writer orginally intended.
I'm not entirely sure what you mean by, "A story that depicts a character or an event speaks stronger to me then involving actually me or someone else (you). "
[SIZE="4"][color="DarkSlateBlue"]God has called me to mission work in Paraguay and Brazil. I may return to CAA someday. God bless all of you![/color][/SIZE]

[i]Two vast and trunk-less legs of stone stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, half sunk, a shattered visage lies. Round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare the lone and level sands stretch far away. On the pedestal these words are inscribed:

“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!â€
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Postby Hitokiri » Thu Jun 01, 2006 11:39 am

Anna Mae wrote:Just because you are Christian doesn't mean that all of your writings have to be mushy, happy, and/or lovey. I have poems about feeling that God doesn't exist, committing suicide, and whatnot, but I still see them as honoring God. Expressing feelings is okay. Being Christian shouldn't limit your writing. Christianity pertains to everything in all of existance. In 1 Corinthians 10:31 God calls us to do everything for his honor: "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."


Yeah, I understand that. However, my "problem" with it is that because I have to glorify God in everything I do, does this mean I cannot continue to write lyrics or stories that are nowhere near glorifying to God? For instance I craeted my own religion in a writing (think Tolkien). Is this wrong because, from the scripture, you provided it is because I am replacing God for another god. And to me, and please no one attack me, but I see that almost as God limiting my abilities. I of course know he doesn't however sometimes I feel that way artistically.

This sends red flags popping up everywhere in my mind. By doing this you are not expanding your views. You are allowing Satan to pull you in and trap you. There is no freedom in the ways of evil. I understand interest in the mysterious, but there is no freedom or goodness anywhere in evil. This is not a healthy expansion of your views. Satan is crafty and will try to bring us down in any way that he can.


Yes and I should of worded that differently. I have a healthy intrest in the occult, Satanism, and the supernatural. I study it because I want to learn more and how to handle those type of situations when I am pitted against Satan. However, and I am sorry if it worried you, I do not intend to write Satanic lyrics. I do not know what I was thinking when I wrote that.

Lyrics with the cultic symbols and dark meanins that you have been writing do not trip up me, but I think that perhhaps writing and reading these lyrics is causing you to stumble.


Maybe and my saying is "You may not see it as one way but does anot always mean you are correct." Maybe I am stumbling but I do not percieve my stumbling in the extent that the music and lyrics I take it are affecting me negatively.

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by, "A story that depicts a character or an event speaks stronger to me then involving actually me or someone else (you). "
I really worded that badly.

Basically, I prefer music that tales of a tale or a story. I just don't like music about overcoming depression or finding someone to love, etc. Basically music trying to display a moral or such.

I enjoy lyrics, since I look at the lyrics alot, that either tell a story of a fictional person or "you/me" type fashion (first person right?). I like lyrics that i can paint a pictue of what's going in the song in my head that has a epic feel to it.

I have stopped writing lyrics for a while to try and get better at protraying what I want to portray in a more poetic sense.
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Postby Anna Mae » Thu Jun 01, 2006 12:07 pm

Hitokiri wrote:Yeah, I understand that. However, my "problem" with it is that because I have to glorify God in everything I do, does this mean I cannot continue to write lyrics or stories that are nowhere near glorifying to God? For instance I craeted my own religion in a writing (think Tolkien). Is this wrong because, from the scripture, you provided it is because I am replacing God for another god.
The way I see it, writing fantasy is okay. As long as the true God remains on the throne of your life, fictional/allegorical kings on fantastical thrones are fine.

Hitokiri wrote:And to me, and please no one attack me, but I see that almost as God limiting my abilities. I of course know he doesn't however sometimes I feel that way artistically.
As long as your head can disregard the notions of your heart that it knows are incorrect, that is fine. One thing that I have found is that if my wants are in conflict with God, it is best all the way around to conform my will to Jesus'.

Hitokiri wrote:Yes and I should of worded that differently. I have a healthy intrest in the occult, Satanism, and the supernatural. I study it because I want to learn more and how to handle those type of situations when I am pitted against Satan. However, and I am sorry if it worried you, I do not intend to write Satanic lyrics. I do not know what I was thinking when I wrote that.
Okay. I would advise you to keep a healthy caution alongside your healthy interest.

Hitokiri wrote:Maybe and my saying is "You may not see it as one way but does anot always mean you are correct." Maybe I am stumbling but I do not percieve my stumbling in the extent that the music and lyrics I take it are affecting me negatively.
Your meaning is unclear.

Hitokiri wrote:I have stopped writing lyrics for a while to try and get better at protraying what I want to portray in a more poetic sense.
Does this mean that you will not be posting your work for a while, or are there other writings of yours that you will post?
[SIZE="4"][color="DarkSlateBlue"]God has called me to mission work in Paraguay and Brazil. I may return to CAA someday. God bless all of you![/color][/SIZE]

[i]Two vast and trunk-less legs of stone stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, half sunk, a shattered visage lies. Round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare the lone and level sands stretch far away. On the pedestal these words are inscribed:

“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!â€
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Postby Hitokiri » Thu Jun 01, 2006 1:33 pm

Anna Mae wrote:Your meaning is unclear.


Basically, it's saying "I don't have a drinking problem" as you guzzle down 5 bottles of wine. The denile concept. I may not think I am stumbling in this area but, in contrary, I am but I refuse to belief it.

Does this mean that you will not be posting your work for a while, or are there other writings of yours that you will post?


Proably. I might.
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Postby Anna Mae » Sat Jun 03, 2006 12:57 pm

Hitokiri wrote:I may not think I am stumbling in this area but, in contrary, I am but I refuse to belief it.
So you are saying that you are in denial?
[SIZE="4"][color="DarkSlateBlue"]God has called me to mission work in Paraguay and Brazil. I may return to CAA someday. God bless all of you![/color][/SIZE]

[i]Two vast and trunk-less legs of stone stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, half sunk, a shattered visage lies. Round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare the lone and level sands stretch far away. On the pedestal these words are inscribed:

“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!â€
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Postby Hitokiri » Sat Jun 03, 2006 1:14 pm

Anna Mae wrote:So you are saying that you are in denial?


There is always the possibility. I am not saying for certain and I seriously do not see depressing lyrics infected my beliefs but ya know?
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Postby Anna Mae » Sat Jun 03, 2006 1:27 pm

But... what? I am not sure that I do know.

If you have seriously talked with God and have decided that it is okay for you to do this, then it is okay. I would encourage you to meditate and commune with God on this.
[SIZE="4"][color="DarkSlateBlue"]God has called me to mission work in Paraguay and Brazil. I may return to CAA someday. God bless all of you![/color][/SIZE]

[i]Two vast and trunk-less legs of stone stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, half sunk, a shattered visage lies. Round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare the lone and level sands stretch far away. On the pedestal these words are inscribed:

“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!â€
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Postby fairyprincess90 » Fri Jun 09, 2006 4:29 pm

i like alot of ur lyrics
i write some stuff like urs alot... but i write a lot of stuff other than that too... but i see where u are coming from... ur stuff is very deep and like... i dunno. i like it alot! ^_^
its amazing though about all the stuff u put up here... i could never post some of my dark stuff... afraid people would tell me im morbid... yeah.
i luv ur work though! its amazing!
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Postby fairyprincess90 » Fri Jun 09, 2006 4:37 pm

Hitokiri wrote:Here's some more I wrote:

"Aphrodite"

She calls to me from the moonlight garden
Beckoning by ever wandering steps
Her sweet voice falls in the air
Like a refreshing rain in Spring
She sprints like a deer
Her footsteps are light and unheard
Barely bending the blade of grass
The gardens and forests are her realm
Unsullied light falls on her face
Her hair waves in the wind
Everchanging in hues
From raven black to spring green to golden yellow
For she is Love and all see her love her
Nothing do I desire to hold her
And embrace her under boughs
Of the great tree of moonlight
But in a second, she is gone
Laughing sweetly in the night
For no mortal can ever reach her
Or love her as thier own]"A Horse, a Chariot, and the Coming of Slaughter"[/B]

Shield your eyes O' son of Fate
Prepare the onslaught of this years harvest
As we reap the wailing souls
Bitter tears cry in the night
The neighing of horses and stench of war
And tonight innocence will be betrayed
On this month of woe

Chorus
O dead man, bury your wives
O dead men, shoot yourselves
Bury your children
For ye have sinned against the One above Us
So prepare for judgement
Father of Deformity and Malice

Infest the world O' children of Agony
Nightwraiths wailing in the darkness
Wolves in human shapes
Monsters of tusk and blood
The wheels of torture etch closer and closer
To the sound of the legions marching
On this month of decay

Chorus

Father, hide your daughters
The clouds bear the symbol of hate
The highest tempest makes war
For the sins committed
The men hang on bloody crosses
As the houses are ransacked and torched

March to beat hellish comrades
Slaughter and war
Make upon the heathens
Of wrath and unwavering flames
We will conquer

Chorus x2

And in the night, you will hear the victims cry
The neighing of horses
And the chariot of death speeding onwards
On the sounds of war

(some more dabbling into gory lyrics after being inspired by some black/death metal bands.)

Please note this following lyric is pretty graphic and brutal. In fact, I snipped several parts due to the graphic content. Mods, if this is to much, you can take it off. I put it up because I wrote it and I want to share what I wrote.
[spoiler=nother gory lyric]"******* of Blood"

I regret killing you
I regret burying your broken body
I regret eating your heart
I regret being your friend
I regret you being born
I regret knowing you

Because you held the key to this heart
And when you tried to unlock it
I put a gun to your head
Said a silent prayer and splattered your brains
All across your mothers face

Chorus
Disembowel this wordly flesh
Cut off your legs
Run with a limp!
Gouge out your eyes
So you can see!
Begin to live you dirty ******!

I regret stabbing you
I regret slicing apart your skin
I regret smashing your face
I regret our first meeting
I regret our first embrace
I regret loving you

Because you dissected my intense hatred
And because you loved me
I pushed you away
I ran away in that dismal rain while cursing at you
So that you would go to hell

Chorus

Heaven is out of your reach
Hell does not want you
So just die you ******
For breaking my heart
For taking it and stabbing it continously
For discreting on it and mocking it
I hate you! I hate you! I HATE YOU!

Chorus

So as I kiss and hug you
I will stab you in the back
And when I tell you I love you
It also means I lust for you
(Took out for being overly graphic)
Yet I want to be gentle and delicate.
I want to rid you of that sickening innocence
Yet I want to protect you from the world
You are my everything and my nothing
Good, by my love
Enjoy my parting kiss and a shot in the head

----
It was hard to write however I wanted to experiment on different types of emeotions. I rarely have angry or hateful emotions so this was intresting. However, the result was twisted. Nevertheless, I still consider it a good piece of lyrics. I actually wrote this while listening to some J-Pop. As well, alot of people liked this one because of the anger is contrived.[/spoiler]

"The First Romance"

Bring this flower to my heart
Hold it close so I can breathe it in
Like a drug; I feel adicted to your loveliness
The smell of your beautiful hair
The touch your your slender fingers
Brings a warmth to my chest
Your breasts are at full-bloom
And I hold you towards me
For our love is like the fire unquenched
And the stars, the sun, and the moon stand witness
That our love is forever enduring, forevering promising
Night has waned and day was waxing
And our love endures the tulmults of the earth
Beyond the age of stars and time
Your slender frame embraces me
And our eyes gazes into the depths of summer
Forever piercing the shadows and darkness
For our love is as pure as fallen laiden snow
And lo, a golden fruit is born from you
The fruit that gives live in which gives birth
To joy, happiness, sorrow, and lamentation
For you, my entire being is given to
For ever since I laid eyes on you
In the Forests of Twilight
Have I loved you deeply
And our union rbings forth man
And through us lies there fate
And I look upon you after our labor
And the stars shine in your hair
The smell of many spring fields is about you
The twinkle of many rains is your voice
And the touch of your hand
Is like the refreshing air that comes from Spring when Winter has passed
For you are my lover and I love you
And to me I have taken you to be bethrothed
O Maiden of Life, my love for you knows no bounds
So that this love is inparted from me to our children
The Unhappy men that crawl in the dark world
Outside of thought, outside of sight
And these children we teach of music, merryment, and love
That reflects our love in the beginning of days

"The Tale of Fwinhil; Master of Stars"
Motionless she waits in a world of clear
Glory embodied in a figure of light
Wrapped in white; doves sing oh so near
Running on the sward; her feet aflight
In the paths of dreams beyond the songs of Men
Alone she wonders in the forests of Amethyst
Wondering on paths long forgotten
Hidden shadows in the twilight mist

For lo the maiden; wrapped in white
Faring fotth into the paths devoid of light
Glowing for she is a child of the gods
The tears of an angels who lament thier grief
Of the lost of a maiden of so pure

Thence she set forth to the Gates of Night
Where the Moon comes to harbor
And where the Sun did not radiate her light
Thence she passes under that black arbor
Therefore, she casts back her raiment
Casting her radiance unsullied by sin
Darkness fled and shadows were rent
From her came a light like from a glass within

For she is the Mother of Light
She is named Fwinihil
She is the one who sheds tears
That fall on the Earth to replenish it's hurts
In her eyes lies the highest of doom

Therefore she casts her beautiful tears
Into the heavely airs of the twilight sky
Ripples where made in those twilight meres
Forth she talks to those lights up high
And names she gives to each one
Each according to thier radiant stature
Rival do they the mistress of the Sun
Of whom She chases but they ellude Her capture

For these are stars; the greatest of gifts
Given to those who are weary of travel
And seek to find thier way back home again
Treasured are the stars; glasses of light
Among the unhappy mortal men
For these are dear to thier hearts
And a silent doom lay on them

For the Maiden of White faired forth
Thither did she wonder from the Gates of Night
Hence she heads back to the heavens
To give of her beautiful light
Of the deeds she has done
The stars is most praised
For which lies in the core of these heavenly bodies
Lies the pity, love, and joy of Fwinhil

And one more song dealing with Tolkien

"Tales of the Sorrowful Tears of the Maidens"


Tears of sorrow overflowed
The blood stained the skies overhead
For shields and swords and wills so bold
Now lay in rotten heaps all dead
In bitter anguish and darkness creeping
The watchful darkness and cunning
The orcs in labor; corspes heaping
For the sorrow of Nirnaeth Arnoediad

Chorus
The maidens cry out
The children rot in poverty
Thier men lay in the Hill of the Slain
These tears will not wash away
Thier bitterness feeds on thier hearts
As they decay in slavery

No longer did the men return
To thier far houses in Hithlum
To thier houses where warm fire burn
But, rather, they lay dead in decay
Rusted swords and bleahced out skulls
Never again to welcome the sight of day
While others languish in those darken halls
Captured on the disaster of Nirnaeth Arnoediad

Chorus

Victory for the Alliance, almost full wought
Until the body of Fingon fell
The hosts of the Eldar and Edain
Could not hold back the hellish horde
There Gothmog did lavish
In the death of his foes
For that day of sorrow
Died the spirit of innocence

Chorus

As of right now, I am leaning towards Romantic Goth/Doom Metal lyrics if anything.



wow. i luv these.
i cant believe the one you hid u even put up here... i see where ur coming from with that... like. its amazing. u have alot of guts posting that and i totally think thats awesome.
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Postby Hitokiri » Fri Jun 09, 2006 4:49 pm

Anna Mae wrote:But... what? I am not sure that I do know.

If you have seriously talked with God and have decided that it is okay for you to do this, then it is okay. I would encourage you to meditate and commune with God on this.


Lyrics do not have a negative affect one me, wether i read them or write them. When I hear angry music, I don't feel like mashing things, when I hear depressing music, it doesn't mak eme depressed. When I hear happy music, it doesn't make me happy. Even though I do not feel those emotions while listening to the music and reading the lyrics - I do get inspired to branch out and do something different. Like some bands I like that believe in the Nordic paganism. I listen to it because I am intrested in the subject of the music but it doesn't make me want to dump Christianity and serve under Oden.

That's what I meant. Thanks for caring about it though! I really do appreciate it. You have helped me alot in refining my writing.

To fairyprincess, thank you for commenting! I really appreciate your thoughts on my work.
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Postby Hitokiri » Fri Jun 09, 2006 5:26 pm

This is an experimentation.

""Momma, Where Do You Lock Away the Sadness?""

And so she said once to me
"Admist this pain; does it ever stop"
I didn't say a word and looked away
Do I believe in angels?
Am I safe from this swirling hell?
And in a moment
A waft of a sea breeze fills the room
I wave goodbye to the seagulls;
wailing on a sunset sky.
And in the morning I bury myself in the sand
A castle built upon my head
Crumbles to the ground like a shattered dream

Chorus
So many times I fall
These angelic wings carry me nowhere
So I sold myself
To my desires overwhelming inside

So I sit there with a cup of coffee
Enjoying a good Sunday read
I read five children starved to death
and another hundred or so people were killed
But I didn't care, I didn't care.
I went away doing my usual thing
Oblivious of the pain around me
and inside me.
So I dived into this septic tank
of putrid ignorance devised by me
I mouthed off to God one night
And jammed the cross into my arm
"How do you like that?" I said; screaming
Amongst these thorns bleeding
I strum on a broken guitar
Singing a sad tune of a dove's death
I looked over to the girl standing in the doorway
Holding her teddy bear and blanket

Chorus

An emergency gone wrong
The world is at an end
Yet I still sit there in blissful ignorance
Drinking my coffee and reading the news
I let my children die without a cause
Or a answer from me
So they died of a broken heart
Shattered by pain that I feigned inexistant
So I drove this cross further into my arm
I layed there smoking a cigarette

---

How was it?
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Postby fairyprincess90 » Fri Jun 09, 2006 5:32 pm

what inspired you to write this?
its very cool. ^_^ i like your style and everything!
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Postby Hitokiri » Fri Jun 09, 2006 5:33 pm

The lyrics in my signature helped a little.
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Postby fairyprincess90 » Fri Jun 09, 2006 5:35 pm

thats cool.
i really like it
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Postby Anna Mae » Thu Jun 15, 2006 2:34 pm

Hitokiri wrote:That's what I meant. Thanks for caring about it though! I really do appreciate it. You have helped me alot in refining my writing.
I am glad to hear that.

""Momma, Where Do You Lock Away the Sadness?""Why is the title in double quotes?

And so she said once to me
"Admist this pain]Is what she says being a fragment intentional?[/b]
I didn't say a word and looked away
Do I believe in angels?
Am I safe from this swirling hell?Well, you're in it...?
And in a moment
A waft of a sea breeze fills the roomI would suggest a period here.
I wave goodbye to the seagulls;I would omit the semicolon.
wailing on a sunset sky.
And in the morning I bury myself in the sandI would suggest a period here, and to not begin the sentence with 'and'.
A castle built upon my head
Crumbles to the ground like a shattered dream

Chorus
So many times I fall
These angelic wings carry me nowhere
So I sold myselfWhy do you suddenly switch to past tense?
To my desires overwhelming inside

So I sit there with a cup of coffee
Enjoying a good Sunday read
I read five children starved to death
and another hundred or so people were killedWhat a good, enjoyable topic.
But I didn't care, I didn't care.Try to stay in either past or present tense.
I went away doing my usual thing
Oblivious of the pain around me
and inside me.
So I dived into this septic tank
of putrid ignorance devised by meA period here would be good.
I mouthed off to God one night
And jammed the cross into my armWhat? Why?
"How do you like that?" I said; screamingIs this done like that so that it will rhyme with 'bleeding'? Otherwise I would just change it to 'I screamed'
Amongst these thorns bleeding Thorns from Jesus' crown? Where did those come from? Were they on the cross?
I strum on a broken guitar
Singing a sad tune of a dove's death
I looked over to the girl standing in the doorway
Holding her teddy bear and blanket Is this the same female that was talking at the beginning of the poem? What is the significance of her presence? Is she the daughter of the main character?

Chorus

An emergency gone wrong The paramedics messed up, or someone planned a disaster unsuccessfully?
The world is at an end Some sort of punctuation is needed here.
Yet I still sit there in blissful ignorance
Drinking my coffee and reading the news
I let my children die without a cause
Or a answer from me 'A' should be 'an.' Punctuation is good.
So they died of a broken heart
Shattered by pain that I feigned inexistant
So I drove this cross further into my arm
I layed there smoking a cigarette

Your meaning is mysterious.
[SIZE="4"][color="DarkSlateBlue"]God has called me to mission work in Paraguay and Brazil. I may return to CAA someday. God bless all of you![/color][/SIZE]

[i]Two vast and trunk-less legs of stone stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, half sunk, a shattered visage lies. Round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare the lone and level sands stretch far away. On the pedestal these words are inscribed:

“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!â€
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Postby fairyprincess90 » Thu Jun 15, 2006 5:38 pm

Anna Mae wrote:I am glad to hear that.

""Momma, Where Do You Lock Away the Sadness?""Why is the title in double quotes?

And so she said once to me
"Admist this pain]Is what she says being a fragment intentional?[/b]
I didn't say a word and looked away
Do I believe in angels?
Am I safe from this swirling hell?Well, you're in it...?
And in a moment
A waft of a sea breeze fills the roomI would suggest a period here.
I wave goodbye to the seagulls;I would omit the semicolon.
wailing on a sunset sky.
And in the morning I bury myself in the sandI would suggest a period here, and to not begin the sentence with 'and'.
A castle built upon my head
Crumbles to the ground like a shattered dream

Chorus
So many times I fall
These angelic wings carry me nowhere
So I sold myselfWhy do you suddenly switch to past tense?
To my desires overwhelming inside

So I sit there with a cup of coffee
Enjoying a good Sunday read
I read five children starved to death
and another hundred or so people were killedWhat a good, enjoyable topic.
But I didn't care, I didn't care.Try to stay in either past or present tense.
I went away doing my usual thing
Oblivious of the pain around me
and inside me.
So I dived into this septic tank
of putrid ignorance devised by meA period here would be good.
I mouthed off to God one night
And jammed the cross into my armWhat? Why?
"How do you like that?" I said; screamingIs this done like that so that it will rhyme with 'bleeding'? Otherwise I would just change it to 'I screamed'
Amongst these thorns bleeding Thorns from Jesus' crown? Where did those come from? Were they on the cross?
I strum on a broken guitar
Singing a sad tune of a dove's death
I looked over to the girl standing in the doorway
Holding her teddy bear and blanket Is this the same female that was talking at the beginning of the poem? What is the significance of her presence? Is she the daughter of the main character?

Chorus

An emergency gone wrong The paramedics messed up, or someone planned a disaster unsuccessfully?
The world is at an end Some sort of punctuation is needed here.
Yet I still sit there in blissful ignorance
Drinking my coffee and reading the news
I let my children die without a cause
Or a answer from me 'A' should be 'an.' Punctuation is good.
So they died of a broken heart
Shattered by pain that I feigned inexistant
So I drove this cross further into my arm
I layed there smoking a cigarette

Your meaning is mysterious.



Oooo dont pick his stuff apart..... V_V
the meaning can be mysterious.... thats whuts so kewl about it sometimess.
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Postby Hitokiri » Thu Jun 15, 2006 7:03 pm

fairyprincess90 wrote:Oooo dont pick his stuff apart..... V_V
the meaning can be mysterious.... thats whuts so kewl about it sometimess.


Actual I prefer it if she goes through and questions what I write.

""Momma, Where Do You Lock Away the Sadness?"" Why is the title in double quotes?
- I meant it to be like someone is asking it. So someone, in the title, is doing the talking.

And so she said once to me
"Admist this pain] Not sure

Am I safe from this swirling hell?Well, you're in it...?
Life can certainly be a swirrling chaotic hell at times haha.
And in a moment

So I sold myselfWhy do you suddenly switch to past tense?
"Sold" is past tense? Oh...hmmm...

and another hundred or so people were killedWhat a good, enjoyable topic.
Indeed and thier is a reason behind that.

But I didn't care, I didn't care.Try to stay in either past or present tense.
Yes. The starting seems to indicate past tense - like I am reflecting on something but then I use present. My bad.

And jammed the cross into my arm What? Why?
Cause it sounds cool. Haha kidding kidding. The cross, to me, indictates pain that Christ endured. So, I think by putting the cross to something else indicates a high level pain. By rebeling God, that becomes painful.

"How do you like that?" I said; screamingIs this done like that so that it will rhyme with 'bleeding'? Otherwise I would just change it to 'I screamed'
Amongst these thorns bleeding Thorns from Jesus' crown? Where did those come from? Were they on the cross?
I wanted to symbolize here the moment every Christian says "I hate you God" and walks away for a time. Bleeding and screamin rhymed (im horrible at rhyming). Thorns is another painful attribute and by going against God, it becomes painful.


Holding her teddy bear and blanket Is this the same female that was talking at the beginning of the poem? What is the significance of her presence? Is she the daughter of the main character?

She's innocence. All these feelings that are bottled inside just hurt me. However, the girl in the door way with teedy bear (a companion) and a blanket (security), to me, drives that fact that maybe I should try and be like this girl. Innocent, a companion, and feel safe. Yet I know I can't because I can't reach her since she's in the doorway.

An emergency gone wrong The paramedics messed up, or someone planned a disaster unsuccessfully?
Emergency being that I feel this way yet I pent it up inside.

Your meaning is mysterious.

Indeed and I am gald you find it mysterious. The comments I made is fromw hat I derived from what I wrote yet it's not the meaning. What I see this as is all the stuff I go through and yet I try and not to make it better. The first paragraph deals with "Why do I do the things I do?"

The chorus drives the point home that I am not perfect but I do not want to settle the score with my inner demons.

The first part of paragraph 1 is my view on life and death. I don't care when people die yet I care about people. The later is about rebelling against God; something I tend to do at times. The last part is seeing a glimsp of innocence but not trying to pursue that.

The last part is me denying I have a problem and continuing the viscious sycle over and over again.

I wanted to write a song that, quite frankly, sounded like I was high. If it would be put to music, to me, it would be Avant-garde.
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Postby Hitokiri » Thu Jun 15, 2006 7:23 pm

TOLKIEN!!!!

"The Northern Wastes"

The northern peaks of Hithaeglir
The frozen desert of death
The cold stings bone and marrow
No men dare dwell
A land of mighty beasts
Howling in the northern night
Mighty fissures of ice
In this northern waste

Chorus
Snow and ice, men do fear
The Northern Wastes
Anyone foolish to enter it's domain
Recieves a icy tomb!
In the Northern Wastes!

The Mountains of Angmar
The ruins of Carn Dûm
Where the Witch King once dwelt.
Infested by orcs, wolves and trolls.
Mount Gundabad
Caverns of goblins
Infest the mountains
The deadly northern waste.

Chorus

Cold Drakes of fear
Great worms of earth
Smashing with death
Great Dragons of scales
Dwarvish foes to the end
Mighty is this breed
Fathered from the pets of Morgoth
In the Northern Wastes.

Chorus

Foolish are those
Who challenge the northern ice
Death to those wo wander
Driven to numbness
Feasts for the white wolves
In the Northern Waste
Prepare for it's death cold bite.
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Postby creed4 » Fri Jun 16, 2006 8:01 am

cool
Tis No Fool to lose what he can not keep to gain what he can never lose.
What does it profit a man to gain the World yet lose his soul.
Choose Life that you Might live.
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