Really need some advice/guidance!

[thisiskris89]

Ok,like I feel like I being drained.I have mentioned in the prayer thread how this guy dumped me.
The sight/sound of him makes me sick and fills me with hurt and anger.
As he sits there in the Bible study I think to myself "what a phony immature little hypocrite.

For those who are unfamiliar with what I am talking about,a few months ago this guy who was 3 yrs younger than me asked me out and it was fun and great and made me feel special and good.He mentioned how he was "experienced" and kinda had a dirty sense of humor,but like i was patient and understanding.He had said he chose me cuz i was intellignent/nerdy/put up boundaries,and how special I was and how beautiful I was.Then barely a month later he dumps me.I was so excited and happy and then poof,it was all ripped away.We made plans on all the fun we were gonna have.

I made boundaries that he agreed to.How can someone who claims to love God hurt a fellow believer like that?I dont hate him,but when I see him all the sorrow and dissapointment comes back.I think in my mind how he's probably already replaced me.He wasnt in church for a few weeks so I thought he was gone for good,then this Sunday he was back,I had been doing better not thinking of him. Its like I'm being taunted and laughed at.

I feel trapped.Church is suppossed to be my safe place...and its been a place of torment...I know I am suppossed to have joy during trials and give thanks...I dont want to be alone anymore...it makes me sick feeling like this.I feel like all my life and joy has been ripped from me.I wish I never met him...This must seem pathetic for someone my age.he forgot me right away,so I should forget him...this has been going on for months...please...I just...I dont know...it just hurts really bad...he goes on laughing and happy...like i never existed...he never even said sorry.I really need advice...

[Nate]

What was his reason for the breakup? This is likely the key to understanding why he did it. Of course he could have just said "Well it's over bye" or lied, but if he was honest, his reason is pretty important.

[thisiskris89]

What was his reason for the breakup? This is likely the key to understanding why he did it. Of course he could have just said "Well it's over bye" or lied, but if he was honest, his reason is pretty important.

Well we were in church(thats where we met)and he takes me to an empty room and is like"Ok,this is awkward.I've been doing some thinking-"
I say right away "I already know what yer gonna say"then I ran away and sobbed in the bathroom.Maybe I am afraid to no the true answer cuz it would hurt bad.He said before I ran off "its not the reason you think(sex)"but i am sure that was a major factor.we havnt spoken since we dont look at eachother...I feel like im gonna burst...

BTW:He has Tourettes and i think there may be a link to sociopathy which could explain why he shows no remorse.

[Nate]

Well...without hearing his reasoning, it's pretty difficult to say then. As a neutral observer I'm inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid (they absolutely are) but having been in your position before and having had a few years to sort through it all, I'm pretty sure his intention was not to purposely hurt you and then rub your face in it. Like at least 99% sure.

How can someone who claims to love God hurt a fellow believer like that?

This ultimately is the thought you need to get rid of first and foremost. Assuming he wasn't purposely setting out to hurt you from the start (which I am assuming, as previously stated), there's a lot more to it than just "He hurt me and we're not supposed to hurt each other." Hurting each other is sometimes absolutely necessary since it can help to avoid greater and more serious hurt in the future.

[thisiskris89]

It bugs me like,we talked everyday on email and i'd call him and we'd text.Saying how much he loved me and i ment so much to him,snuggling with me and holding my hand and hugging me so tight,and then do a 180 and be like we were nothing(like that gotye song).He does have issuses and stuff,and from what i've been told he is very impulsive and immature.i feel like such a fool...i feel used and betrayed.he shoudnt have asked me out in the first place.he told me he prayed to meet someone like me and the next day he said he talked to me.i felt so comfy with him,like i could be myself,we really clicked...and now it was all just a waste...

[Nate]

All this sounds fairly familiar to me from my own relationship experience.

Don't feel like it's a waste though. That advice won't help you now, while you're hurting, but remember it for the future. My relationship blew up in my face and it hurt a lot, but ultimately I'm glad I was in it. It helped me to grow and mature as a person, taught me a lot about myself and what I did right (and wrong) and how I can use that information to change how I approach those sorts of things in the future. It took me a long while to get to this point, trust me, but it might happen to you one day too. Of course there's always the possibility that you'll always regret this as well, and we all have a few of those moments too.

Maybe he shouldn't have asked you out in the first place. Maybe you shouldn't have said yes. You can't pin all the blame on him you know.

[Xeno]

Even though all that warm and fuzzy and bubbly stuff was going on, there may have been something that clicked in his head that told him the two of you just weren't going to work out. So, as Nate said, rather than hurt you much more later, he only hurt you some now. It's understandable to be upset and feel rejected, but try to get through all of that and don't live in it. Not all break ups are that personal. You never heard his reasoning, it may have been something about himself.

Stop being so hard on yourself and don't treat this guy like he's demonspawn. It hardly sounds like he intentionally used you. Enjoy the memory of what you had.

[Atria35]

There is a definite potential that he wasn't going to say the reason that you thought (And he openly stated so, which means you're believing what you want to with absolutely no evidence whatsoever. Sex is not the end-all to relationships when one partner has had it- I have friends that were experienced but have since dated seriously/married virgins) - you're making a huge assumption, and letting that spill out into how you think and write about him. And it might not be true. Remember, assumptions make a *insert alt word for butt* out of u and me.

And like Nate said, breaking up early and hurting people can save a lot of heartbreak later. It's better to let a person know early on when things aren't working out. Would you have preferred he wait another 6 months, or a year or two, before he said something? That would have hurt much, MUCH worse because of how much more emotionally invested you would have been in the relationship. It stings now, but ultimately you're better off for it.

Honestly, it sounds like it was moving too much, too fast. No relationship that's just starting out should have declarations of love and whatnot. That's stuff that should never be said that early - it's far too serious.

[thisiskris89]

I guess I am a bit confused,did it blow up cuz it was supposed to blow up,or because i wasnt supposed to be in it?I've been alone for years after a bad break up and maybe i got to excited.I mean I was a darn good girlfriend,i regret all the things i didnt say while i was with him...i know i cant just blame him.yeah y'all are right.i wish i didnt have to see him every sunday.
(i still get images in my head of him "doing stuff"with womenand it kinda haunts me at times,i wish he hadnt given me those details he did)

and yeah i think it was all moving fast when he asked if i loved him(he had said it to me alread),
i kinda felt pressured to say it sooner then oi wanted to.but thats not to say i didnt have feelings for him.he told me that i was the only girl who didnt abuse him.

[Xeno]

What is this "supposed" to stuff? Relationships are predestined to succeed or fail, they just either do or don't. I'm sure you were a good girlfriend, but that's not the entirety of the situation. How good of a significant other one is isn't the basis for a relationship, there are many other factors that play into the grand scheme as well. If he notices things between the two of you weren't lining up, or were apparing to not line up, then that would cause him to end it, as it would any logical human being.

[Nate]

Whether it was "supposed" to happen or not at this point is pretty irrelevant, the point is that it happened. You've got to try and learn what you can from the experience and move on. Which again, may take a while.

i regret all the things i didnt say while i was with him...i know i cant just blame him.

I think you're taking my statement that you can't pin all the blame on him a bit differently than I meant it. I didn't mean it in the sense of "You screwed it up too you know." Maybe the things you regret not having said to him would have made it worse. There's no way to know at this point and you can't assume that if you had just said the right thing then everything would have magically worked out (or even that what you wanted to say was the right thing to begin with).

I'm just saying he almost certainly wasn't out to deliberately hurt you from the start, blaming him accomplishes almost nothing, and prevents you from growing as a person. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong necessarily, it just means if you assume "He's just a jerk" and let that be that then you're not going to have gotten anything out of this experience.

[thisiskris89]

i was also told after that he has been knwn to manipulate people by using there feelings...i guess part of me feels like he has a warm loving heart but i guess i dont want to think about it cuz i dont want m feelings for him to resurface.part of me thought maybe Satan made him dump me cuz i would have helped keep him on track.i made sure i behaved and tried not to "turn him on"(happened anyway though i guess).i didnt wanna get him riled up and then be like ,NO!that would be cruel.
But i think that is a stretch.

[Xeno]

i was also told after that he has been knwn to manipulate people by using there feelings...i guess part of me feels like he has a warm loving heart but i guess i dont want to think about it cuz i dont want m feelings for him to resurface.part of me thought maybe Satan made him dump me cuz i would have helped keep him on track.i made sure i behaved and tried not to "turn him on"(happened anyway though i guess).i didnt wanna get him riled up and then be like ,NO!that would be cruel.
But i think that is a stretch.

1. You know, People say a lot of things.
2. According to scripture...I'm not aware of Satan being able to make anyone do anything.
3. So what did you do? Dress like a frumpy old cat lady? Maybe that's why he broke up with you, because you were intentionally not being yourself because you were under the impression you could prevent him from sinning somehow.

[Nate]

Now all I can think of is that Robert Palmer song, "I Didn't Mean To Turn You On."

Yeah you should probably get rid of the whole "Satan made him do it" thing. That's a pretty nonsensical thing to think honestly.

[thisiskris89]

1. You know, People say a lot of things.
2. According to scripture...I'm not aware of Satan being able to make anyone do anything.
3. So what did you do? Dress like a frumpy old cat lady? Maybe that's why he broke up with you, because you were intentionally not being yourself because you were under the impression you could prevent him from sinning somehow.

1:dude it was the pastor
2:yeah i know im silly
3:no i just ment i didnt like kiss his neck and touch him...inaproprietly


ive had dreams about him 2 recently he was with another chick and then last night i dreamt we were gettin married.i feel so embarressed about this ><

[Nate]

Being a pastor doesn't make you an infallible judge of character.

[Xeno]

1:dude it was the pastor
2:yeah i know im silly
3:no i just ment i didnt like kiss his neck and touch him...inaproprietly


ive had dreams about him 2 recently he was with another chick and then last night i dreamt we were gettin married.i feel so embarressed about this ><

1. I've had bad experiences with pastors, so...People say a lot of things.
3. Well if you weren't planning on having sex with him then I would hope you weren't touching each other inappropriately.

I'm getting kind of lost in where this thread was going now. Dreams don't mean anything, it's just subconscious brain activity.

[Nate]

Well if you weren't planning on having sex with him then I would hope you were touching each other inappropriately.

I'm going to assume that that "were" is supposed to be a "weren't."

And who defines what's inappropriate or not if you're not going to have sex I mean it's not like I ever did anything like that or anything hey what's that over there it looks like a distraction boy how about those dreams they sure are crazy huh?

[thisiskris89]

The pastor talked to a fellow leader in the church that knows him very well.
They are both very reliable sources seriously they are wonderful men of God.
Xeno,what i was supposed to all over him?

i told him we couldnt kiss on the lips,but the cheek was ok.we could cuddle and i made sure to let him know if i didnt feel something was good to do.its not like i said sit away from me and dont even cuddle with me.its not like i didnt wanna be affectinate.
i cuddled and kissed him on the cheek and stroked his hair.did he think i didnt care for him?i told him i did and i explained why we couldnt kiss(it can be dangerous).i explained why we couldnt act too lovey dovey in church,my mom wasnt rweady to except a dating relathionship(its complicated)i dunno...i mean am i supposed to take him aside and talk to him?i just dont have it in me to be his friend,maybe im petty,but like i cant be like oh i love you so much baby and then be all buddy buddy.I know i am being annoying im sorry yall!

[Crossfire]

,my mom wasnt rweady to except a dating relathionship(its complicated)

I'm going out on a limb here, but can you explain this further?

[thisiskris89]

well ive been hurt before,i was a wreck, and she is kinda suspicious of men.
im sorry for being so silly and annoying with what ive been saying!

[Nate]

The pastor talked to a fellow leader in the church that knows him very well.
They are both very reliable sources seriously they are wonderful men of God.

Again, that doesn't make them infallible judges of character. Just because someone is a devoted follower of God does not make them automatically correct about everything.

i cuddled and kissed him on the cheek and stroked his hair.did he think i didnt care for him?

Depending on positioning and whatnot concerning cuddling, I can personally say that this sounds like stuff my relatives used to do to me when I was a kid. Or what you do to a pet dog/cat. While it is affectionate, it doesn't necessarily indicate romantic affection, and that may have been the problem.

While I'm not saying "Yeah you should have just done whatever," it may not have been for him. He personally may have felt like there was something wrong with him and he didn't feel like the relationship was solid. This doesn't mean that you did anything wrong or have problems. It just would mean you were incompatible people. If I was with a girl and she refused to kiss me on the lips, due to my severe self-esteem issues I would feel like she thought I was ugly or inadequate in some way and didn't actually have feelings for me. I would not be able to continue a relationship with that girl. I don't feel like this makes me a bad person, it's just how I perceive affection. If a girl is uncomfortable with doing that with me, then we just aren't right for each other, and neither one of us is wrong.

[Crossfire]

Just so there's no miscommunication, has your mother been in direct contact with your boyfriend? Like, does she sit with you during Church and stuff?

[thisiskris89]

Again, that doesn't make them infallible judges of character. Just because someone is a devoted follower of God does not make them automatically correct about everything.

Depending on positioning and whatnot concerning cuddling, I can personally say that this sounds like stuff my relatives used to do to me when I was a kid. Or what you do to a pet dog/cat. While it is affectionate, it doesn't necessarily indicate romantic affection, and that may have been the problem.

While I'm not saying "Yeah you should have just done whatever," it may not have been for him. He personally may have felt like there was something wrong with him and he didn't feel like the relationship was solid. This doesn't mean that you did anything wrong or have problems. It just would mean you were incompatible people. If I was with a girl and she refused to kiss me on the lips, due to my severe self-esteem issues I would feel like she thought I was ugly or inadequate in some way and didn't actually have feelings for me. I would not be able to continue a relationship with that girl. I don't feel like this makes me a bad person, it's just how I perceive affection. If a girl is uncomfortable with doing that with me, then we just aren't right for each other, and neither one of us is wrong.

OH GOSH!he does have self esteem issues,ithink thats why he got into "stuff".
but i explained myself and always told him he was attractive and smart and and talented and stuff...oh boy...but that couldnt have been it...he wouldve told me...i think,....

[thisiskris89]

Just so there's no miscommunication, has your mother been in direct contact with your boyfriend? Like, does she sit with you during Church and stuff?

at the time we sat a few pews behind my folks...so yeah...
he sits upstairs now...

[Nate]

OH GOSH!he does have self esteem issues,ithink thats why he got into "stuff".

That would be logical judging from my own experience.

but i explained myself and always told him he was attractive and smart and and talented and stuff

There are girls I am friends with who would never date me in a thousand years who say the same things to me.

[thisiskris89]

That would be logical judging from my own experience.

There are girls I am friends with who would never date me in a thousand years who say the same things to me.

great...ifeel like a real screw up now...ok you see...
a few years ago...i was in a relationship...and there was alot of stuff going on that shouldnt have...i mean i didnt "you know"but still...
so i guess,did i go to far in the other direction?

i was crying one day in the bible study half because him half because i had a spinal headache from a spinal tap i had a few days earlier, he left the room i was told he looked emotional,i may have seen him rubbing(tears?) his eyes another time,and once i saw him go up to the front to pray during the invitation time...

[thisiskris89]

he is a very needy person,and maybe i took advantage of that...becasue i want to be needed.i wanted to take care of him...i know thats sick.
when he dumped me i ened up with the bible study teachers wife in the nursing mother's room and some mothers(awkward)were talking to me too.
i mentioned that maybe God has to do some stuff with him and mature him and then bring him back,and they were like its possible.one of them knew his sister in law and mentioned that she broke up with his(ex) brother but they eneded up gettin married.
But i guess not in my case,im sure hes gone for good.

[QtheQreater]

Well we were in church(thats where we met)and he takes me to an empty room and is like"Ok,this is awkward.I've been doing some thinking-"
I say right away "I already know what yer gonna say"then I ran away and sobbed in the bathroom.Maybe I am afraid to no the true answer cuz it would hurt bad.He said before I ran off "its not the reason you think(sex)"but i am sure that was a major factor.we havnt spoken since we dont look at eachother...I feel like im gonna burst...

Okay, I don't know you and you are definitely thinking more with your heart than your head right now since this is such an emotional situation, but this suggests to me that you refused to let him communicate with you. That part is betrayal on your side. He's probably upset, too. I don't think I could face somebody who wasn't willing to listen to something I wanted to tell them, especially if it was awkward, painful, and likely to hurt the relationship. You didn't actually let him say it, so you don't know what he meant. You're doing way more damage to yourself right now than hearing him out would have, whether or not it really was a relationship breaker. Assumptions are the killers in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. You can learn from this whole thing.

As far as dreams go, if you spend your time thinking a lot about something, you're going to have weird dreams about it. That's the way it works. They don't really mean anything.

[thisiskris89]

Okay, I don't know you and you are definitely thinking more with your heart than your head right now since this is such an emotional situation, but this suggests to me that you refused to let him communicate with you. That part is betrayal on your side. He's probably upset, too. I don't think I could face somebody who wasn't willing to listen to something I wanted to tell them, especially if it was awkward, painful, and likely to hurt the relationship. You didn't actually let him say it, so you don't know what he meant. You're doing way more damage to yourself right now than hearing him out would have, whether or not it really was a relationship breaker. Assumptions are the killers in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. You can learn from this whole thing.

As far as dreams go, if you spend your time thinking a lot about something, you're going to have weird dreams about it. That's the way it works. They don't really mean anything.

do you think i should talk to him?so much time has gone by,im not sure what id say.i dont want to be his friend,which he may very ask if i did talk to him.i do feel bad about running off,but
it was so upsetting i couldnt bare to see him.