Diamond Spearhead

[Bobtheduck]

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Vinkan-stories/209962794854?ref=ts

I'm on the last chapter of my first completed rough draft. In game terms, the book is entering closed beta pretty soon. I'm building my "make it suck less" team and I'll be preparing it for publishing via PoD service Lulu. I'd love it if people would fan my page and keep your eye on the progress I'm making.

I should have my first complete rough draft done in the next couple of days. Beta phase 1 coming soon after that.

[Bobtheduck]

Diamond Spearhead Rough Draft is finally finished... After 15 years. 84,939 words, 204 pages, formatted for PoD not for Manuscript.

Book 2 won't take quite that long. I'm shooting for a new rough draft by March 2011 at the latest.

[Esoteric]

Do you have a sample or a synopsis up anywhere yet?

Anyway, I wish you luck with the PoD route. I've heard mixed and I'm not entirely sure it's the best route for a new fiction author to go, but hey if you can publicize the book well yourself, then maybe it'll sell.

[Bobtheduck]

I'm terrible at synopses. I know I'll have to get one when I publish, but I may get someone else to write it for me, and hopefully not make the whole idea sound stupid.

I had posted this with a sample, but now that I put it up, I hate it... SO... Different sample. It was the same sample I posted to my LJ, but updated since then... just not updated enough, because it's really embarrassing... So... I'll just post chapter 1, instead.
The Chapter known as one, or
"The beginnings"

A crowd of teenagers were in a circle in a dark, claustrophobic room lit only by a single lamp hanging directly over one of the boys. It was clear this room hadn’t been used much in a long time, because there was a thick buildup of dust, made clear by the trails left on the ground by chairs and feet and dragging bags and tools.

One of them spoke up after a long silence, “We have the biggest break we’ve ever received. We think Keigos is looking for something on the perimeter.”

“The Perimeter? You’re not expecting we…” interjected another boy.

“That’s exactly what I’m suggesting we do. It’s about time we put our training to the test. We’ve been at this a long time, and we’re finally going to see some payoff,” the first boy said. He ran his hands through his long, bleached blond hair. He was tall and olive skinned, as were most of the others in the room, and his dark roots showed on his scalp. He fiddled absentmindedly with a faint scar on his face, and stroked his young beard.

“Who’s going to go?” a third boy chimed in. “I mean, we can’t all go to the perimeter like it’s a holiday.” This boy was the opposite of the first boy. He was short and stout, with dark hair and fairer skin than the rest of the boys, not a scar to be seen on his face or body.

“I need to stay behind, Aristocles,” the second boy said. He glanced around to everyone really quickly, then back down to his feet.

“No one expected you to go,” said the first boy with a bit of frustration in his voice. “You have your own obligations with your family. Of course, I can’t take anymore than two or three of you, so it would be well for us to not have all of us go. The rest of us need to stay behind.”

“Of course you’ll be going, won’t you Intrex?” said the third boy to the first. A couple others nodded in agreement.

Intrex paused for a moment and said “This is it… This is what we’ve all been training for.” He stood to his feet, his head dangerously close to a lamp hanging from the ceiling. “I’ll lead whoever wants to come with me. Our training is going to pay off today.”

A fourth boy piped up, “Helps when you don’t really need the training, doesn’t it Aristocles?”

Intrex didn’t flinch. He knew what the boy had meant, and he meant it as an insult. “Some of us have talents. Some of us have possessions. Some of us have connections. Some of us have modifications that make us useful. We each need to be augmented in what we don’t have, so I’m quite thankful for my skill chips,” he said, tapping the back of his neck. He had a rectangular socket buried in his skin at the base of his neck, and a complementary set of two centimeter by one centimeter wafers that had labels in Vinkan, the language that they spoke before Vinkan was merged with Emtehite, and was still the written language of everyone on the colony.

There was another pause, and a fifth boy spoke up, “I… I don’t know, Aristocles… I’m not ready for this yet.”

“You, Kalir? You of all people?” said Intrex, astonished. “I’d have thought that after your house was bombed, you’d be the most excited to finally take some action.

The boy curled up into a ball and started to cry. “I… I wasn’t…”

Intrex glanced away toward the wall, looking back to say, “I’m sorry… You don’t have to go with us yet. You’ve been through enough recently.” He looked around, and stopped for a second, staring into the darkness. “Besides, that group already got what was coming to them, didn't they? They've been recycled already. That's what they get for messing with our families,” he said with a smile.

The boy sniffed and buried his eyes in his knees, tears streaming down and soaking his pant legs.

A couple other boys looked around nervously, and one spoke up, “This is too much… We’d be so far from home. So far from the army. If we could help stop an invasion or something, that’d be different. We’d be on familiar territory…”

“Who is willing to go with me.” Intrex said, not turning around, and very clearly avoiding looking into the eyes of the last boy.

“Well, I’m going to, of course,” the stout boy said.

“Zine…” Intrex broke in.

“I’ve trained with all of you from the beginning. I’m just as qualified as the rest of you.” Zine (Zee-nay) said defiantly.

“Who else, then?” Intrex said.

No one said anything, each glancing around to the other and to the walls and floor. Intrex shook his head, and was getting ready to walk out in frustration when the fourth boy said, “I’ll take my Dad’s boat. I’ll stay at the boat while I wait for you.”

“At least you’re a braver man than the rest of them, Jonatan. I suppose that settles it. The rest of you keep training. When Alenjaga returns, he’ll be expecting all of you to be training, at the very least. He isn’t supplying this information to us so we can sit and do nothing. Honor his work!” Intrex said forcefully.

“How did we get this information? Alenjaga’s been gone this whole…” said one boy, but he was interrupted.

“He isn’t our only source. I’m good at what I do, and I found another way,” said a pock faced, thin boy. He played with the knife in his hand and slid it back into its sheath as the group took in what he had said. One boy shuddered briefly then looked toward Intrex.

“Good. We have our mission, our first, so I expect those of you not coming with us to remember your training,” Intrex implored them. “This is our story. The chapter known as... um... one... or... Takeback” he said lamely. It had sounded much better in his head. The boys got to their feet, and shuffled out of the building. They were in an alleyway, and, watching for people to make sure they weren’t being watched, stumbled out of the alley over an assortment of trash, going their separate ways.

Zine followed Intrex as he began to walk home in the pale light from the emergency lights, which had been working overtime. “I wonder why Bilan didn't want to let everyone know that his 'another way' was you. Everyone is so afraid of him And...” he cocked his head and a smirk crept onto his face, “The chapter known as 'one', Intrex? Not just, you know, chapter one? The chapter known as one?”

“Yes. The chapter known as 'one', or 'Takeback'. It's important sounding enough, right?”

Zine fought to keep from laughing.

“Shut up!” Intrex said, laughing. When he stopped, he scanned Zine's face.

“I… I know you don’t believe I’m that good…”

“You accepted this. That makes you better than every single one of them,” Intrex replied, consolingly.

“Maybe… But I can really do something to help. I know I can. I actually beat Kalir when we were sparring,” Zine said, begging for
approval from Intrex as well as from himself.

“Kalir just had his family die in a bomb…” Intrex began, but shifted direction noticing the disappointed look on Zine’s face. “… but certainly, he’s an excellent fighter. You’ve definitely proven yourself.”

“I’ll see you later, Intrex,” said Zine as Intrex got to his door. Zine gave a nervous glance to the front window, as well as to the door, and sped up as he walked, got about ten meters, turned around and walked by Intrex’s house again. “Wrong way…” he said quickly as he walked.

Intrex shook his head, turned to his door and reached forward. He saw his father in the window as he moved to open the door, but he didn’t pay attention to him. He walked into the house, and went straight to his bedroom, trying to avoid anyone in the house. He wasn’t successful.

“Intrex… Come here for a moment,” his father called to him.
He had tried to avoid it, but he couldn’t any longer. “Yes, Father?”

The older Aristocles looked at his son with a bit of suspicion in his eyes. “I wanted to talk to you about tonight. I’m having…” He stopped for a moment. “I’m having a guest come tonight. I want you to look your best, and I don’t want you to be rude to him.” Intrex feigned confusion at this. “I mean it!” Aristocles said to him.

“I may not be here at all, so you won’t have to worry,” said Intrex, looking away and walking toward his room.

“Oh, you most certainly will be. This is about training you to look out for this city. You are going to have to take my place eventually, when I go, so I need you to be able to organize all the resources in this town.”

“It’s not like I need to be trained in that, is it? Just give me a chip, and I can pretty much do anything. I don’t really need to learn anything, when it comes down to it.” Intrex said, with a sigh.

“It is not as though I have a chip for every little thing you can do… To be honest, I was lazy in letting you rely on those too much. I had hoped you’d pick up on things over time, but now it seems like you’re entirely crippled without your skill chips,” his father said.

“I think I’ve survived pretty well with what I have, haven’t I?” Intrex said, defending his pride.

“Survived well with those chips and under my protection. It’s time you learn some real responsibility, and stop relying on those things so much. Stop relying on me so much. You know I’m not young.”

“Well, I haven’t really been under your protection recently, have I?” Intrex said with a defiance in his face.

“Yes… That is another thing I need to talk to you about,” his father said. “You keep coming home with cuts and bruises and you have that scar on your face, now. I let it go before, telling myself it was simply boy play. From now on, however, I cannot overlook it.”

“I have play fights with my friends. That’s it,” said Intrex.

(cont)

[Bobtheduck]

“You’re training to fight. The Aristocles family doesn’t get involved in the fighting. You know that.” Aristocles said sternly.

“I am going to meet up with my friends tonight.” Intrex said.

“If you do, I won’t let you out of the house for a month. You’re not of age, yet. You still need to listen to what I say, as your other friends must listen to their parents.”

“Well, if you had wanted me to meet with this man, you should have told me ahead of time. It really would be rude for me to not meet with them when I had promised I would.”

“That’s your promise, not mine Intrex. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

Intrex was shocked. He couldn’t believe what his father had just told him. “I always keep my promises.”

The standoff was over. Intrex was in his room, and his father didn’t pursue any further. Intrex sat down on his bed, burying his face in his hands for a moment, then reaching into his shirt pocket for his radio. “Zine! Jonatan! Can you hear me?”

“I can hear you, Aristocles.” Replied Jonatan.

“What about you, Zine?” Intrex said into the transmitter.

No response.

“I can get him, Aristocles.” Jonatan called back.

Intrex got to his knees on the ground, opening a hidden compartment under the floor under his bed. When he stood back up, he had a rifle in his hand which he strapped to his back, and he grabbed a handful of the skill chips, including his tactical chip, and stuffed them into his pocket. He pulled the tactical chip out again, and looked at it closely, remembering his conversation with his father and stuffing it back in his pocket. He grabbed a hooded cloak, and climbed out his back window.

Intrex looked around the corner, trying to make sure that his father and his father’s “guest” were nowhere to be seen. There was a man with a labored walk coming toward the house. Intrex had never seen this man before, and it was painful to watch, both because he didn’t want his friends to come to the front door and ruin his plans, and because the man walked so slowly that he couldn’t handle the wait, when he had work he needed to do. The man turned toward him, but he hid quickly. He walked briskly toward Zine’s house, expecting to be intercepted at any time by Jonatan and Zine. He made it all the way to Zine’s house, however, and wasn’t so much as nodded to by anyone. Intrex called Jonatan, “Just go get the boat ready. I’ll meet you out there.”

Intrex opened the door without knocking or calling out. He was quite used to this by now. A man walked toward Intrex as soon as he heard the door, hands behind his back and scanned Intrex as he walked. “You’re planning something with my brother, aren’t you?” he said.

“Yeah. We’re going to have another sparring match, it should be really good this time,” Intrex said calmly.

“Sparring match… Plan on joining when you come of age?”

“My life’s dream.”

“But certainly not your Father’s, or mine. An Aristocles doesn’t fight.”

Intrex stared coldly at Zine’s brother, into his falsely warm, mismatched eyes, one slightly larger than the other. “Maybe if more people fought back, we wouldn’t still be stuck in this back and forth right now. You can’t deny we need whoever we can get, Entrex” Zine’s brother, Entrex, was a Ŕ’ (rih, like rim, only with a hard Spanish r) or the equivalent of a captain in the Gregoran army.

“Perhaps… You can’t have a nation of soldiers, though. There would be no one to raise children, no one to handle resources, no one to teach, no one to take care of the sick,” Entrex said in a haughty tone.

“There are plenty of people better suited to all of that. Why on earth do I have these chips if that’s all I’m supposed to do, just manage resources and get pampered by the general apathetic populace?”

“Pampered? Is that what you believe your Father is, Aristocles?” Entrex said.

Intrex just looked at the ground, and said, without looking into Entrex’s eyes, “I’m wasting away in that house.”

Entrex put his hand on Intrex’s shoulder. He guided him into his thinking room, a room equipped with an artificial window that showed various images of landscapes and played calming sounds. It was very bright, as bright as sunlight, which didn’t exist in the colony in its current state, since the sky had been covered up by reinforcements against outside invasion from natural forces, and the light for the entire colony came then from artificial lighting sources that created a land free of sharp shadows and a people in a constant state of lethargy.

“Can I ask you something you may not like?” Entrex said.

“Can I say no?” Intrex said.

Entrex looked at him with a small smile that faded into a stern look. “Zine will be a soldier. He is a very good soldier, probably close to matching you in skill, and that’s without any outside help,” Entrex said, emphasizing the last portion. “He needs to stay a child while he still can. You are trying to raise him, and that is entirely not your right or your business. You’re only two years older than him, and neither one of you should be maturing so fast, and in unbalanced ways. You’re not of age, and you are not mature in a balanced way. There are a lot of things you need to work on, and to be blunt, you’re dragging your whole group of friends down with you into a pit that can ruin them, not to mention yourself.”

“We’re just going to spar. It’s not as if I’m taking him to war or anything, Brocti.” Intrex said.

Entrex stared at Intrex for a minute, and his eyes got wide. Intrex used this as a signal to get as far away from this place as he could. He rushed out of Entrex’s room, and made his way to Zine’s room. Once again, opening the door without knocking, he rushed into the room, and grabbed Zine by the shoulder, and looking at him significantly.

“What happened?”

“It’s not important. Gather your things, we need to go to our sparring meeting now. Before anyone else decides to intrude.”

“Spar…”

“Come on!” Intrex grunted.

Zine shuffled through his belongings in his messy room. He grabbed his pack, and his hooded cloak. He found some food stored away, which he put in his pack.

“You better hold on to these, too,” Intrex said, holding up his skill chips. Zine looked down at the chips, and back into Intrex’s eyes, stuffing the chips in a pocket on the front of his pack. Intrex looked back into Zine’s slightly mismatched eyes, which were a sign of his heritage.

Intrex grabbed some string, and tied his hair back, and shoved some different items from around the room into Zine’s pack. He looked around the room again, and said, “This should be enough. Do you have your Gun ready?”

Zine went to his closet, and pulled a panel off his wall that was very well hidden. He pulled his rifle out from behind the panel, and closed it up again, so it didn’t even look like it had been moved. “Yes, I am definitely ready.”

Intrex looked at Zine’s rifle, then pulled his out from underneath his cloak and examined it closely. “Must be great having family in the military. I had to make this thing by myself. “

“We work with what we’re given, right Intrex?”

“Right,” Intrex said, lost in thought. He quickly snapped out of it, though, and said, “Jonatan is waiting for us with the boat. He's managed to get use of his Father's Transport, which will take us to the shore”

“Only to shore? Are we going to row to the perimeter?”

“No. We have fuel for the engine. We may need to row back, though, so I brought food and water.”

“How did you get fuel?”

“Jonatan had what we needed. There are perks to being the son of a Doctor.”
Zine smiled warmly and shook his head and his fists, nearly squealing, “This is finally happening! Finally we mean something!”

They made their way toward the transport, avoiding concerned and suspicious eyes.

Aristocles

Uargen Aristocles sat in his dining room, absentmindedly stirring his soup. His mind was flooded with thought, which showed on his thoroughly lined, wrinkled face. He barely heard the knock that came from his front door, to which he turned at first, and stood up after a few moments. His steps were heavy as he walked to the door, and opened it just enough to talk to the person on the other side.

“Aristocles. You are hesitant to open the door for me? You should know, of course, this is what needs to happen.”

Aristocles opened the door completely, glancing at the man in the doorway before flinching and turning away. He was always bothered by the sight of this man, who was machine-like, with many devices apparently augmenting his incredibly old, deteriorated frame. He had wires and tubes all over his body, and he walked very stiffly, as smoothly as the strange devices would allow him to walk.

“I don’t think he’s here. He ran off to do more training. He is certain he’s going to go off and fight Keigos.”

The man looked at Aristocles unblinkingly. “I see,” he said after a long pause. “That’s disappointing, but I’m certain he will return.”

“I would not put my security in that,” said Aristocles. “He seems opposed to doing anything that I or anyone else would direct him to do, except, perhaps, one of his peers.”

“I am very persuasive, Aristocles. If I could have only one hour with the boy, I assure you we would have no more of these conversations.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Aristocles said. He grabbed a radio and said, “Brocti, is my son at your house?”

After a half a minute’s waiting, Brocti answered back, “No, he left with my youngest. What is this about?”

Frantically, Aristocles changed the settings on the radio, and again spoke into it, “Viazhi! Are my son and Brocti there?” No luck.

“Keigan…” still no Luck.

“Chiro?”

“Yeah?”

“Are my Son and Brocti at your house?”

“Nah, they left ten minutes ago. They hitched a ride on one of the military
transports.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, they went out to the beach with the boat, why?”
The mechanical man frowned fiercely, then smiled. “I’ll find him. You don’t need to worry, Aristocles.”

[Bobtheduck]

The whole story takes place on a planetoid (bigger than an asteroid, smaller than our moon) colony really far from Earth. Intrex is the son (well, not really...) of the leader of a small town in the territory of a Family named Gregora. Those in Gregora's nation are fighting those in Keigos', the other ruling family, and the one who the Colony was named after.

Intrex has these chips, and he's the only one he knows who has them. He has an unarmed combat chip, a tactics chip (mix of his fighting chips), an agility chip, a distance viewing chip, and a pain blocking chip. These give him special abilities by basically plugging directly into his brain.

He and his friends are all underage, and Intrex isn't supposed to fight at all, but he uses his distance viewing to find something he gets the feeling would be useful in their fight against Keigos. This is where they're headed, to retrieve this item that he only has a vague idea about.

Long story short, this device he's looking for malfunctions and essentially (I don't say this superfluously, and you'll see what I mean when you get to the end) sends him back in time, to a time close to the start of the current war with Keigos, when the colony was in better shape, and he faces the ancestor of the Keigos from his time.

[Esoteric]

Actually, I caught a glimpse of the previous post before you replaced it. Yes, this is a better sample (since it doesn't start mid action).

Are you looking for feedback? You haven't mentioned it and I don't want to be so bold as to assume you are.

[Bobtheduck]

Actually, I caught a glimpse of the previous post before you replaced it. Yes, this is a better sample (since it doesn't start mid action).

Are you looking for feedback? You haven't mentioned it and I don't want to be so bold as to assume you are.

Yeah, sure. Feedback would be good, though this is just the first chapter, and nothing has really happened yet. As for me, I should get to bed... It's, like, 2 in the morning here... I need to get up in 7 hours.

[Esoteric]

True, I can’t comment on plot, but I can comment on style and presentation.
Okay then, please don’t take this feedback personally. I’m honest when I critic someone’s work because I feel it’s the only way to help them improve. So when I have an issue with some aspect of a story, I come right out and say it. But I’m no expert, just one opinion, so take that for what it is.

1. The amateur astronomer in me wants to know if planetoids have enough gravity to A: sustain an atmosphere and B: an ocean of some sort. I’m doubtful, unless the colonists use some technology for magnifying gravity to make it Earth-like.

2. Is the broad variety of names intended to suggest a mixed heritage?
Aristocles sounds Greek.
Jonatan sounds American (var. of Jonathan)
Kalir sounds Indian.
Chiro sounds Japanese.
Zine sounds futurisitic.
Intrex sounds like the name of a next-gen computer processor.

From these names, I don’t get a sense of unified ‘culture’ and ‘language’, which I would think is vital to the survival of a colony, but perhaps that’s what you’re going for--disconnect and cultural chaos.
The two languages mentioned, Vinkan, Emtehite--neither of these names are suggestive of any known Earth language or evolution thereof, so they don’t help me pinpoint a sense of culture either, although Gregora and Keigos are suggestive of European culture. Amazing what’s in a name sometimes, and how etymology effects culture.

On that note, I’m not getting a real good feel for the atmosphere of the colony. There is mention of the fact it’s covered by a dome of some sort. But I get no sense of the landscape, other than the mention of a beach, buildings, houses. No sense of color or form. No sense of the colony’s infrastructure or workings.
Does Gregora resemble a bunch of pristine ceramic igloos joined by transport tubes? Does Gregora resemble Dresden after it was firebombed in WWII?
No clue.
What little sense of technology I get is also inconsistent. Rifles, swords, boat fuel, lamps, and radio sets feel archaic. Artificial viewing windows, Matrix-esque ability chips, and cyborg implants are all very sophisticated. It doesn't help me make sense of this world.

3. Is it ever explained why Intrex has these chips (or why no one else does?) If so, great! If not, the reader will have issues.

4. So far, almost everything I’ve read is in ‘cinematic’ narrative. It never truly penetrates the thoughts or emotions of the characters. I could explain what I mean by this, but Orson Scott Card talks about it so much better than I could here:

http://www.amazon.com/Elements-Writing-Fiction-Characters-Viewpoint/dp/0898799279

Click on ‘search inside this book’ and search page ‘170’. Read 170 thru 172.

5. The heavy use of dialogue for conveying information negatively affects my perceptions of the characters. Case in point:
[quote]“Maybe… But I can really do something to help. I know I can. I actually beat Kalir when we were sparring,â€

[Bobtheduck]

True, I can’]

No, they don't have enough gravity. That's given an explanation, as one of the more fantasy elements of my story. This is Science-Fantasy, not Science Fiction. LSS, "Artificial" gravity.

2. Is the broad variety of names intended to suggest a mixed heritage?
Aristocles sounds Greek.
Jonatan sounds American (var. of Jonathan)
Kalir sounds Indian.
Chiro sounds Japanese.
Zine sounds futurisitic.
Intrex sounds like the name of a next-gen computer processor.

Aristocles does, indeed, come out of the word "Aristocracy" though the people there don't know that, including those who have the name, and they don't even know what "greece" is, or England for that matter.

Jonatan does come from Jonathan. Kalir, Chiro, Zine, and Intrex are all Vinkan. Vinkan is the language I'm developing for the story, and Intrex (as well as Entrex) has a specific meaning. Chiro would be prounounced with an R the same as in English, while the r I can't make with this keyboard with the mark on it is supposed to be pronounced more like the Japanese / soft spanish R. "Emtehite" is what the Vinkans call European explorers that had come to their island in the 1500s, which I know I haven't mentioned yet, but it gets there.

From these names, I don’t get a sense of unified ‘culture’ and ‘language’, which I would think is vital to the survival of a colony, but perhaps that’s what you’re going for--disconnect and cultural chaos.
The two languages mentioned, Vinkan, Emtehite--neither of these names are suggestive of any known Earth language or evolution thereof, so they don’t help me pinpoint a sense of culture either, although Gregora and Keigos are suggestive of European culture. Amazing what’s in a name sometimes, and how etymology effects culture.

I think I explained this, so there's nothing else to say... Except Gregora... Which gets hinted at by the the end of the first book, then explained more thoroughly later. There wouldn't be much recognizable etymology as the native language of most of those people developed rather isolated from other cultures (except that there were two neighboring cultures that converged at one point, but I'll get into that later) As for etymology within their language, here's a starting point. Many words starting with E and I are opposites. In and En are first and last, while Il and El are superior and inferior. Then there's Kei / Gei. Any noun starting with that refers to a deity. Gos refers to wisdom. Emte means lie, Inte means truth. Hite is people, Hitana is person. I haven't done it yet, but I'm going to include a small reference guide for Vinkan in an Appendix. Also, the names are not symbolic. They were given as the people giving them saw fit, so they may not always be indicative.

On that note, I’m not getting a real good feel for the atmosphere of the colony. There is mention of the fact it’s covered by a dome of some sort. But I get no sense of the landscape, other than the mention of a beach, buildings, houses. No sense of color or form. No sense of the colony’s infrastructure or workings.
Does Gregora resemble a bunch of pristine ceramic igloos joined by transport tubes? Does Gregora resemble Dresden after it was firebombed in WWII?
No clue.
What little sense of technology I get is also inconsistent. Rifles, swords, boat fuel, lamps, and radio sets feel archaic. Artificial viewing windows, Matrix-esque ability chips, and cyborg implants are all very sophisticated. It doesn't help me make sense of this world.

The people who live on the surface (with a huge exception in Intrex) are living rather low-tech. THere's a reason for that, and it won't be explained in the first book. Intrex is an exception because... well, that is explained later. The military uses rifles and bombs, but high ups have swords for decorum, essentially, and two leaders may decide to have a duel with swords to settle a conflict.

As for architecture, the look of the cities, etc, you're right... I need work on explaining those things. I'm gonna see about working on that with my first rewrite session.

3. Is it ever explained why Intrex has these chips (or why no one else does?) If so, great! If not, the reader will have issues.

Yes it is, and he's not the only one who has them. He also doesn't have a full set.

4. So far, almost everything I’ve read is in ‘cinematic’ narrative. It never truly penetrates the thoughts or emotions of the characters. I could explain what I mean by this, but Orson Scott Card talks about it so much better than I could here:

http://www.amazon.com/Elements-Writing-Fiction-Characters-Viewpoint/dp/0898799279

Click on ‘search inside this book’ and search page ‘170’. Read 170 thru 172.

I have to admit, the cinematic thing is what I'm going for. I will read what you suggested later, though.

5. The heavy use of dialogue for conveying information negatively affects my perceptions of the characters. Case in point:

Even though Intrex backtracked, the fact that he would even begin to say this out loud suggests that he’s horribly obtuse or doesn’t know Zine at all. It doesn't help make Intrex sympathetic to the reader. Try:

What I had hoped to demonstrate about Intrex was that he was putting on a show, and really didn't know what the crap he was doing. The fact he'd say something like what he said to Zine is part of that.

Zine’s gaze was focused on his own feet. “Maybe... But I can really help you, I know I can. The other day I actually beat Kalir in a sparring match.”
Intrex drew in a breath to respond, but stopped short. He’d heard about the match, but also that most of Kalir’s family had been killed by a Keigos bomb a only few cycles before. Everyone knew Kalir’s loss was an indication of the churning distress behind his stoic gaze rather than Zine’s improvement.
“Yeah...” Intrex nodded slowly, “you’re a good fighter, Zine.” Maybe not the best, but certainly brave.

Here, Intrex is much more discrete. It’s still obvious he thinks the win was a fluke, but he shows empathy for his friend by not saying it. The reader will respect him more.

I'm not entirely sure I want the reader to respect Intrex. He's an immature little boy who's trying to act like an adult. I will consider what you said, in any case.

Okay, I’ve talked your ear off and with fairly depressing criticism. I apologize for focusing only on the negative aspects of what I’ve read. Sadly, it’s my strong point. I do admire your stamina--to persevere this long and write so much proves you got what it takes to pull this off and make it a great book. 80,000 some-odd words is far longer than anything I’ve ever managed to write. I wish you the best with this endeavor.

Thank you. Well, I should listen to the negative criticism, since that's why I'm sending my book out for people to comment on it, but then my self preservation thing kicks in. So, I suppose I'm going to have to learn how to suppress it at least long enough to get something useful out of it.

[Esoteric]

Fair enough. From the sound of your answers, it's apparent you have put a great deal of thought into your environment and its workings. It just isn't 'showing' quite as well as it could in the first chapter.

What I had hoped to demonstrate about Intrex was that he was putting on a show, and really didn't know what the crap he was doing. The fact he'd say something like what he said to Zine is part of that.

If that was your goal, I'd say you succeeded very well. Too well. I didn't much like him at all and developed no sympathy for him. So, it does read the way you wanted it to then, but I would suggest caution here. With certain anti-heroes as the exception, normally the main characters should be someone the reader can identify with and feel interest or concern for. This is why Ishmael is the main character in Moby Dick, not Capt. Ahab. I'm sure Intrex learns and changes his attitude over time, but if he's too much of an idiot from the start, the reader may not stick around to find out. Having everything in 'cinematic' doesn't help because since I never get Intrex's side of things, I can't even try to understand the reasons for his reckless actions.
So be careful, especially with the first chapter. It's a first impression that will make or break the rest of the book for many readers--your one chance to convince them the next 200 pages are worth their time. So do your best to make it a positive experience.

[Bobtheduck]

I think in rewrite 1, one of my tasks will be getting more descriptive with architecture and landscape... That is very difficult for me, though. I know it is a weakness I have, as is keeping geography consistent. There's a good reason I only got a C in level design after about 30 redesigns of my level. (I was great with non-architectural props, though... You should all see my catapult)

One thing I will CONSIDER is trying to clue people in more to the inner workings of the Main character, through things other than body language and dialogue. I don't want to do it too much for exactly the point you had noticed about my writing... It is meant to be cinematic. If this were something you were watching, and not just reading, I'd want it to stand on its own. That's how I think when I write, I don't think about the specific monologues that are going through the characters heads. That's not to say there are never lines of inner monologue, I just keep them to a minimum. That's my writing style. It may not fit the books that were written before it, but that's how I write.

[Bobtheduck]

Update. Rewrite 1 (or 2, depending on how you'd like to count it) is done, and I can basically do nothing more until I have feedback from my editing team. I figured I'd give an update to what I posted here, and post the first two chapters (revised from what they were) It ends with a summary, the best I could come up with, of the rest of the story.

In any case, I'll be working on book 2 until I get feedback from my editors.

[Esoteric]

The added detail describing the terrain and colony is a good improvement.

I notice chapter two is broken up with headers, like 'Hero:' and 'Gregoran Soldiers:' Is this how it's intended to be in finished form? I'm just wondering because these sorts of labelled breaks make it seem more like a screenplay than ever. We've already talked about the style being cinematic, and if that's really what you're going for, then maybe you should write it as a real screenplay? Just a thought.

[Bobtheduck]

The added detail describing the terrain and colony is a good improvement.

I notice chapter two is broken up with headers, like 'Hero:' and 'Gregoran Soldiers:' Is this how it's intended to be in finished form? I'm just wondering because these sorts of labelled breaks make it seem more like a screenplay than ever. We've already talked about the style being cinematic, and if that's really what you're going for, then maybe you should write it as a real screenplay? Just a thought.

The headers are about the PoV for that section. I kind of liked the idea in Harry Potter that the only PoV you ever saw was Harry's, with some exceptions. My book works on that idea, except the PoV switches depending on who the primary figure of that portion of the story is. So you may get insight into one person, but you'll have to interpret everyone else from that person's perspective (except for the "soldiers" portions)

[Bobtheduck]

Anyone on here published a book? By that, I mean actually submitted to a publisher, not simply went through Lulu or something? I think advice from an actual published member (particularly any fantasy or sci-fi) would be greatly appreciated.

It's almost been a year since my last post, and I haven't been able to work much on my book, but I recently picked up a book called "Self Editing for Fiction Writers" as my editing team hasn't delivered the kind of feedback I was hoping for. I wish I had the money to send my book to a professional editor, but I have to work with what I've got.

Among the things the book mentions are:

1. Balancing beats (breaks in continuous dialogue) Too few and it may tire the readers out with tension and not give enough clues to the emotion, too many and it shows you're not comfortable with your dialogue and makes the scenes boring and remove all tension.

I won't know how balanced it is until I read through again, which I've started.

2. Not summarizing too much, but turning summaries into scenes for important things.

Again, not sure what I summarized that should have been turned into scenes.

3. Conversely, leaving many trivial things out ("Are your characters always looking out of windows and lighting cigarettes")

This is something I may have to work on. I remember a scene where I described the exact way a character stepped out of the bathtub. That came to mind as soon as I saw this.

4. Leaving out proper grammatical structures that are looked at poorly by readers (use of ing constructions, use of ly adverb constructions) and in particular, those that don't even work grammatically, such as "He rode to the pentagon, shaking the secretary of defense's hand" when those two things can't really be done at the same time.

I don't think I do the "ing" thing, because I kept my eyes on that the last time I did self-editing. The "ly" thing is my first big job, however. It can be really difficult to prune the ly adverbs, particularly when I don't have single verb replacements for what I'm trying to say.

5. Showing the personality of a character by actions, not by description.

Actually, this means undoing some of the changes I made, and instead changing descriptions of actions. I actually ADDED descriptions of characters my last edit.

6. Not overdosing on character histories.

Can't say this is a huge problem with me, but the reverse is inherent in the statement that I may not have ENOUGH character background, even when relevant.

7. Keeping exposition sounding natural when it's in dialogue. (there were some funny, exaggerated examples in the book)

I think I have to watch my exposition in general, and try to let it happen via action rather than dialogue or non-active narrative.

8. Blurring the line between inner monologue and narrative (that it can be a good thing... Which is actually one of the things that Makes Haruhi interesting, btw.)

I've done none of this that I can think of, so I should rethink my brief moments of interior monologue (longer with Keigos' scenes)

9. Keeping PoV consistent, at least inside scenes. (My character headings were employed for exactly that purpose, but I should double check to make sure they never stray from that) What the book mentions is a visible separation between different PoVs.

The book only mentioned "linespace" but I haven't seen (so far, though I haven't given a thorough reading to the whole book yet) any condemnation of my character headings as PoV markers.

10. Keeping narrative details within the realm of what the viewpoint character would notice. This means that when the viewpoint is centered around Intrex, I should really not notice all that much. That means sometimes those details will have to be pointed out by someone else, but not in an unnatural way.

11. Not using too many alternatives for "said". The vast majority of dialogue, when attributed at all, should be attributed with the word said because the type of saying should be clear in the dialogue and actions and not have to be spelled out.

I do use a fair few "exclaimed" and "sputtered" and what not words in my book. The challenge is to express those emotions in some way other than changing the word for "said" and some way other than using ly adverbs.

12. Avoiding rules of formal writing. Use Contractions, sentence fragments, and run-on sentences. Use commas in places (at least in dialogue) where periods would normally be used if it better reflects the pace of the conversation.

13. Not letting characters be right too often, even about mundane things. The book says fiction dialogue should never be too realistic, because it's repetitive and hard to read, but it shouldn't be formal either. Finding the "just constrained and lucid enough" place is what takes hard work.

I'm going to work on my book as much as I find the time to do over the next week or so. I hope to have something ready to send to a publisher, though I want to find one that doesn't require an agent and accepts digital submissions (as well as accepting Science Fantasy with some traditional (AKA not "the force") religious backing to it) and that's proving difficult.