Heh...a crazy vow I made to myself, but so far I've kept it.

[Destroyer2000]

I told myself that I would not date more than one person...that the girl I first took on a date would be the one I spent the rest of my life with. I've turned down quite a few...meh heh. Of course, they say I'm too reclusive at school. Really, though, I stay seperate from most of the other people so I can focus on stuff. Meh heh, they also say I'm insane because I have a passion for swords and kenjutsu (which half of them can't even say ken-jut-su...).

Back on topic. Now, seeing as I'm only 14, I don't plan to date soon. Not for a while. Either way, I don't want to share my first kiss with one girl and marry another. That's the way I see it. So, what do you think?

[Retten]

I think way to go!

[Debitt]

Awesome vow! ^^ Hope you can keep it until you find that special someone! Good luck!

[Ashley]

"Do not let anyone dispute you because you are young; instead, be an example to believers everywhere in faith, in life, in love, in speech and in purity" - 1st Timothy 4:12 (emphasis mine)

I think you should definately be commended for taking such an awesome stance. Although I am in your shoes (have not dated and have not kissed/held hands/etc.) I will tell you that although it's a great promise and a great gift to give to your beloved someday, the road is not easy. I've been on it 3 years longer than you, and while I'm sure the elders here like Eirewolf and OldPhil will tell you it's great to wait, I felt I should tell you it's not a piece of cake either. Lonliness can be just as destructive as a relationship, I think. Also, when those hard times come--when you feel kinda jealous that everyone else in the world seems to be dating and you feel left out-- I find it's a great comfort to pray for my future spouse or to write him a letter telling him what I feel at the moment and reminding him and myself why I am waiting on love.

Remember God will bless you and your marriage for it. So keep up the great work! Stay strong, stay pure, and never give in!

[Destroyer2000]

Thanks. I never thought I'd get this kind of response...hm...

[kirakira]

Why not? It's a great thing. Way to go!

[Hitokiri]

yeah...loliness can be bad alot of times. I've been single for close to 6 years now. I've gone on "dates" with close friends though and I took some girls to movies though. Sure I sought out a dating relatioship but it always went wrong in some way or another. I've come to accept that maybe God, by doing this, is telling me to wait longer.

I've been blessed though the girls that I've liked and told them (i'm usually good friends with them) and they told me they just like me as friends, we've stayed friends. One instance though I liked a girl and we kinda went "out". It was in 8th grade (Junior High romances....they never last long ). I wanted to go out with her but she didn't want to cause she valued our relationship and dint want it to break if we broke up. Though whenever we were togtehr, we were always holding hands or she had her head in my shoulder (quite confusing for me ). So anyways to make a long story short, we finally stopped it in a way but sadly we slowly drifted away from bieng close friends and she moved after 8th grade and never seen her or talked to her since.

If you decide to try a go into a relationship, tread carefully. I liked this one girl very recently (when I first signed into CAA) and i finally told her I liked her and i knew she liked one of my good friends (alot like a brother to me) but i never knew this, they were going out off and on, like thye weren't ready. And I took her to my high school dance! Good to say, my friendship with the guy goes way beyond girls and stuff so he had no hard feelings and the girl understood how I felt and me and her are still like best friends.

[EireWolf]

It is great to wait... However, in your case (having made this vow), you'd better be reeeeeeeeeeeally sure that the first girl you kiss is the one God would have you marry. And that, my friend, is not always as easy as it may sound. You might think, "Well, I'll just pray about it!" But your feelings can get in the way here. I speak from experience, having believed at one point that I was supposed to marry a certain guy, and it was not to be. I had prayed about it, asked for a sign, etc.... But it turned out to be wishful thinking, and I'm now thankful that it didn't happen, because it would've been a really big mistake.

What I'm saying is... It's hard to know for sure, and your feelings can trick you.

I'm not saying that you should give up this vow. Not at all. It's a very good thing to wait a long time before dating, and who you marry is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make in your life. I'm just saying... be careful, and make sure you're sure. Can you imagine dating a girl for the first time, and telling her that you're going to marry her? If she isn't thinking the same thing, she's going to freak out. And if she is thinking the same thing and you guys get married, but it wasn't really God's voice (but your own desires) telling you to get married, then that's even worse.

I commend you for vowing purity. That's awesome. I would just caution you to really stay in tune with God, and watch out for those tricksy romantic feelings.

[Stephen]

I agree with Eirewolf...but will keep quiet for now unless my opinion is asked.

[Destroyer2000]

LOL @ Shatterheart's sig...lol. "Broke her spine with a monkey-punch." Heh...

Some of my friends say I need to let loose and like girls more, but the way I see it, at my age, it doesn't make much difference. Most of the guys and girls can't control their feelings OR hormones very well, and they've gone a bit far. I just think about something else. Something along the lines of, "Big deal. Another girl everybody likes. And that's not good." I've learned that the girls everyone likes are usually NOT Christian. There have been some, sure, but most of them are the 'popular' people that have almost no morals at all.

[blueraven]

I'm actually with Ashley here. I have never been on a date, kissed, blah de da whatever goes along the lines of bf/gf. I've been asked out but -.- anyways lol. I've had little crushes before but always moved away before I could tell 'em so I've taken that as a little advise from God But I totally agree with what everyone has said. But then again, I have my parents to look to. When my mum saw my da at one of his games which my aunt's Youth Pastor coached she knew she wanted to marry him, she was but 13 or 14 at the time. Grandparents never made it easy on them but well, they've been married for 18 years now and I can see their devotion to eachother. Hm, yes I could get onto another story here Story for everything! (Unlike a question for everything of which my classmates have taken care of that.) But I admire that you've taken this "vow" and I don't think it silly in any bit.

[Aka-chan]

Way cool. I commend you on your wisdom, Destroyer. That'll take willpower. I've decided on a similar course of action: keep activities and outings a group thing until I'm sure this is the guy I'll marry. I also want my first kiss to be at the altar (though my friends have expressed doubts about that resolution.)

[Destroyer2000]

This is awesome...to tell the truth, I thought the vow a bit silly, myself.

[Da Rabid Duckie]

I think anyone willing to make a radical stand and go against what the world teaches is "normal dating" is worthy of respect. Of course, as anyone that knows me from G2G or AA knows, I have a great deal to say about the subject. However it can mostly be found in the EXCELLENT books I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl, both by Joshua Harris. I read those books after making many mistakes in doing it the world's way, and it was quite a liberating experience. Since then, the path I've chosen has led me to wait patiently for my mate, and I've been doing so for nearly four (relatively stress free) years. I say kudos to you, and if you need encouragement about keeping a God centered relationship, do feel free to ask!

[Destroyer2000]

'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' and 'Boy Meets Girl'? I might get those...btw, I just posted my RK Fanfic I was talking about earlier.

[Orange Kitten]

Ok, so far Eirewolf and Shatterheart are the only one's to see the danger in this.

I'll start off by saying, this is good in theory, but in reality, it's extremely dangerous and it doesn't work out the way you think all the time.

Let's say you find this girl whom you believe that God has led you to. You ask her out, go on a few dates, you start kissing, etc. Now, since making this vow, you believe that this is the girl you're going to marry. Well, how do you know she's got the same feelings? You are opening yourself up to a world of pain if she breaks up with you for whatever reason. You will have saved up all your emotion, all your love for this one woman, and when/if she throws it back in your face, you have no idea what kind of hurt you're in store for.

Personally, I don't think it's a good idea.

[Da Rabid Duckie]

Maybe I do need to say something then.

I'm almost 24 and I don't date... why? I'm financially irresponsible, and I don't think I'm mature enough in my walk with Christ to deal with the temptations associated with even courting a mate. Lemme take it a step further though.

Here's a good article:

Kissing dating good-bye

By Isabel Lyman
web posted June 12, 2000

Once upon a time I interviewed a nice young man who had weird ideas.

Josh Harris was the then 21-year-old editor and publisher of New Attitude, a magazine for teen-aged homeschoolers. He was also writing a book entitled I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Josh's thesis is that casual dating is a self-serving endeavor that largely results in broken hearts and promiscuous behavior.

Harris hopes to encourage fellow singles, through Scripture verses and war stories, that the wisest course is to reserve romance for marriage. Friday nights, he thinks, can be better spent volunteering in soup kitchens or cultivating one's spiritual life.

I thought the book would be as popular as a door-to-door salesman peddling Elizabethan corsets to soccer moms.

I was wrong. Way wrong.

To date, the paperback has sold 700 000 copies. It skyrocketed to a number one spot on Christian paperback lists and has been translated into several foreign languages, including Korean, Swedish, and German. As a result of his literary success, the young author has become a relationship guru of sorts - a kinder, gentler Dr. Laura. His seminars draw thousands of Gen Xers and Yers, and he's been a guest on the television shows, Politicially Incorrect and Dateline NBC. And, in an amusing twist, by those who assume that if you're a staunch no-dater you must have won a Bill Gates' lookalike contest, he's been dubbed a "major babe" by the Baltimore Sun.

Hannah Gunn, 14, of Oklahoma City is reading the book and says it is reinforcing her beliefs. The homeschooler has no plans to date during her teen years and largely socializes with family friends. "I liked the story in the book where Eric and Leslie, a husband and wife, did not kiss each other until their wedding day. It made it so much more special," shares Hannah.

Hannah does want to get married, someday, but via the process of courtship, a practice which is making a comeback in some church circles. (As I understand it, courtship involves a mature, young man declaring to a young lady's father that he would like to be considered a potential marriage suitor. If dad and the daughter dig him, he then spends time becoming better acquainted with his sweetheart in a chaperoned setting.)

Margo Hampton, of Guthrie (OK), the home schooling mother of four active teens, took her three eldest children to hear Harris speak in Wichita, Kansas and also likes what he has to say. She agrees that the single years are better spent interacting with groups of friends, rather than isolating oneself with a boyfriend or girlfriend. "Not dating keeps kids from the heartache of breaking up and moving on to the next relationship, which is just another way of practicing for divorce," she states.

Well, I say if this Harris fellow is successfully motivating young people to get a grip on their romantic inclinations long before they say "I do," and use their single years to pursue more wholesome activities, then his ideas deserve serious scrutiny by family-values activists. Especially those activists who take federal government grants to bring cultural changes. One of these days the fam vals crowd will learn that that's the least effective way to usher in cutting-edge reforms.

Meanwhile Josh Harris is no longer a solo act. He and his wife, Shannon, are the parents of a baby and are writing a book about their courtship. And Hannah, he didn't kiss her until he was at the altar.

Joshua Harris also wrote something that was really awesome, and that was that God set a very important precedent with Adam and Eve. See, Adam was just going around and enjoying his life, and worshipping the Lord. God saw that Adam had a need for a companion, and he fufilled that need with Eve.

The kicker is, according to Harris that precedent hasn't changed. Now of course, we're not going to fall asleep and then end up with our soulmate laying next to us, but the idea is simple. We just live our single lives to its fullest, doing the things that we can only do when we are single... and when the Lord sees that it is the right time to fufill our needs with our partners, He'll introduce them into our lives.

It's quite a liberating way of life... not having to endure the stress and heartache of sifting through one bad relationship after another in search of Mrs Wade was one of the best things to happen to me. In March, it'll have been five years, and it was time well spent and certainly well enjoyed. Yes, it's been hard. It's rather awkward sometimes when I have to turn down advances from a great Christian girl, and sometimes they are quite beautiful so I have to put up with flak from my male friends as well. But that's okay, just wait until they see the woman that I DO end up marrying :drools:. And yes, I do feel lonely sometimes... but that feeling is certainly lesser than that of being heartbroken because of a breakup. Of course, I'm looking forward to marriage more than anyone else I know but I'm certainly in no hurry ^_^

I look at it this way:

1) Look above and remember the thing I mentioned about the precedent set by Adam and Eve. That would also mean that the Lord has picked out my wife for me, so anyone else I try to date until then is simply cheating on her. Besides, and I ask anyone here that is married this.... how embarassing is it when you run into an ex-girlfriend, or the subject of her comes up? Hmm? I'm trying to avoid that situation from occurring any more that it already has.

2) Since the Lord has already picked out my mate, the same could be said against everyone else. I severely doubt that anyone would want me to be dating their future wives... and I certainly wouldn't want anyone dating mine (I like to think that wherever she may be, she's adamant about noone dating her future husband too).

3) About the divorce thing, dating pretty much teaches that it's all right to throw away someone if you're "uncompatible". Let me say this bluntly: The only person that would be completely compatible with you would be a clone of yourself. When you make the decision to marry, it's "til death do us part, FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE". Too many people forget (or lie) about the "for worse" part. Otherwise, people keep the same attitude about marriage as they do dating. Do it while it's fun, throw them away when "the magic ends". It's not a very good explanation, but I'm pressed for time.

Still not convinced? Let me share a story of a close friend of mine, who is a young pastor in South Dakota.

My ex had some attractive qualities, but a time came when I broke off the relationship. At least, I tried to break it off. She hounded me for months. I wanted to say goodbye to the wonderful world of women, but this woman wouldn't let me kiss dating goodbye! About a year went by, and much like the Lord brought Eve to Adam, He arranged for me to meet up with [my wife]. The thing is, even with [my wife] in the picture this ex-girlfriend still wouldn't give up on having me, and she kept coming back to haunt us. We all went to the same college, and when I sat down next to [my wife] this woman would try to get a seat next to me. :crazy: We moved halfway across the country and haven't heard from her since, THANK GOD!!!

Here's the pattern I recommend for all relationships (and yes, I have diagrams)

Okay, so there's you, your mate (for the example, I'll say this is a lady) and God. Write the word "God" on a sheet of paper, and below it write "Me" and "Her" so that the three words form a triangle.

Now draw a straight line from you to her. Alright, this is a standard relationship (what the world teaches about). Notice that God is completely left out of the relationship, and what is something that removes the focus from God and puts it somewhere else? That's right, it's an idol.

Yes, I just said the typical idea of dating (ie: The world's pattern) is idolatry. Sit on that for a moment.

Okay, now erase that line (or draw a second triangle or something). Now, draw a line from you to God and draw one from her to God. Notice how when you get closer to God, and she gets closer to God, the two of you meet in the center and boom! We've got a Christ-centered relationship. You and she are both growing in Him and if the relationship is meant to be you both will grow with each other and experience a deeper friendship while maintaining a close relationship with Jesus.

Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom. Emphasis on the boom (explosions -> ).

Anyway... MAN that was a long post... if anyone read that fully, I applaud your patience. Wow. Heh....

[Omega Amen]

*looks at thread....*

So only 3-4 year lonely runs with some of the people here...?

Okay, for me, I have never been on a date, never had a girlfriend, never holded hands, never kissed, never went to the prom.... Heck, I did not even go to my high school graduation ceremony (but that's beside the point).

Destroyer2000, I noticed that your rationale expressed throughout this thread was quite similar to mine when I was around 13. So I guess (although I never formally made a vow to myself) I am reaching ten years in a few more months with my run of no romantic contact with women since reaching to similar conclusions.

So you want to take this path, Destroyer2000? Are you sure? This will test your heart to the fullest!

....

Well... if you are determined, I support what you are trying to acheive.

While I understand the caution expressed by EireWolf, Shatterheart, and Orange Kitten, I want to mention that my father only dated with one woman in his life, and that woman is now his wife and my mother. My mother dated two men during her life, the second one is now her husband and my father (the first one was before she heard of Christ and she was only motivated for family and financial reasons... no love). They have what I consider the near ideal Christian marriage... so loving... so full and pure.... So I know for certain what you essentially want is possible, Destroyer2000.

In order to succeed in this path like my parents have, you will have to be a good observer of people and their relationships. Also to avoid the pain and embarrassment that some people have mentioned here (and very valid to bring up), I suggest that you always clearly state your intentions like you are doing on this board before the date stage. That's how my parents did it essentially. (There is a lot more, but that is for you to discover.)

Observation, communication, restraint, good judgment, faith, and prayer is required for what you want to do. Over time, as you mature, you will see the idealism in your rationale right now..., but you can stay the essential course if you truly want it.

I will not however paint roses for you about this path. It's tough. I am not sure those here only going this way for 3-4 years have felt the wear yet that my parents experienced and what I sometimes experience.

Yes, this post was long, but I felt you needed somebody's opinion who has been on this road for a long time and was raised by parents who took this road for a long time. (My parents never pushed me to take this path, by the way. I decided on this with a lot of prayer and thought.)

I shall pray that you mature and learn quickly, if you want to take this path.

Just don't beat yourself up if you decide not to go through with this later on.

Oh, for the record, I read Harris's first book years ago, but I never found it revolutionary.... I had already decided by then.

[Debitt]

....to elaborate on what I said a bit earlier in this thread:

Destroyer, this is a great vow you've made for yourself. Keep praying over this issue, and if this is what God wants for you in your life, then by all means, continue on the course you have set here.

But you see, dating in itself, isn't a bad thing if you feel that's what God wants you to do before marriage. I've been blessed with a wonderful boyfriend (I'm 17) whom I've been seeing for more than two years now. We don't kiss, we rarely hug in public, and not only is he my "boyfriend" he is by all means my best friend. We've managed to keep God in sight this entire time, and I thank Him everyday for what He's given me. Sure, the modern concept of dating is completely skewed and immoral in most cases, but the simple concept of getting to know someone else you have feelings for isn't a bad idea in the slightest. As long as you make sure that you keep God at the center of your relationship, that is.

[Fsiphskilm]

[quote="Destroyer2000"]I told mysel

[Mave]

I was going to say "not a good idea." But when I looked back, I realized you made a vow to YOURSELF, not God...(phew...)

I have a positive view of this because that's what I did myself. I was tired of all the high school romance and realized the futility of finding the right one without God's help. "God, pls lead me to the right person, at the right time." I didn't bother with dating. I met my boyfriend (whom ppl have caution me NOT to say, my potential future husband) without even 'searching'.

I held back my feelings for 9 months. Let those crazed emotions go away and get to know him better. Prayed and asked good Christian friends for their opinion. All green light. Took a deep breath and went for it.

I know I whined quite a bit in another thread about my relationship. But after 2 years, I have no regrets. I know God is molding my character in this relationship. I don't know the final outcome of this relationship but I certainly encourage you in your vow.

I commend you for your decision to hold back and not waste your time with secular matchmaking. I think it's harder for a guy to hold back especially from a "physical touch" point of view. But I believe if you humble yourself and ask for help, God will lift you up to the challenge. For God, nothing is impossible. God bless you!

[Saint Kevin]

I'm totally with Omega on the never dated, kissed, prom, etc., etc. situation. I have to say that is feels good not to be alone in your loneliness. I totally agree that it's a tough path to try and walk, but I want to tell you some of my struggles, as I think they might help you, or some others here.

For the longest time this "vow" for me was a way for me to justify my feelings of insecurity and pride (yes they do go together sometimes). I became rather self-absorbed and distracted with many things, not girls mind you, but I was still being selfish and living for my own desires. The MOST important thing is to seek God. I had not done so for quite a long stretch in my life after I got saved, preferring a smug and self-righteous attitude. I do not want this to happen to you, so my advice is this:
Do not let this vow, or any other pursuit of something good and commendable, come before seeking the Lord. I encourage you to seek the Lord in this, and if it is something that God has given you to do in your life, do it and praise Him for it.
Most importantly, seek Him first. Always.
Easier said than done, I know, but you are all in my prayers.
Don't forget what Jesus said:

Matthew 6:25-33
25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, [shall he] not much more [clothe] you, O ye of little faith?
31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek) For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Sorry if the KJV is a little confusing, it's the first online translation I stumbled upon.

God will provide, and he rewards those who seek him (paraphrasing some other verses I'm too tired to look up now, maybe I'll edit it later).

Hope this helps.

[YesIExist]

I agree with Orange Kitten.

Don't get me wrong, however. I believe loyalty to one person is extremely important. I think kisses are okay, as long as you stick w/one person at a time and don't let things get too heavy.

Mere kissing and sex do not necessarily need to be lumped together.

[ShiroiHikari]

I decided my post was not constructive and unnecessary, so it's edited, and feel free to delete it.

[Zilch]

My opinion? If you can do it, more power to you. I personally don't know...

[Retten]

I have a positive view of this because that's what I did myself. I was tired of all the high school romance and realized the futility of finding the right one without God's help. "God, pls lead me to the right person, at the right time." I didn't bother with dating. I met my boyfriend (whom ppl have caution me NOT to say, my potential future husband) without even 'searching'.

I held back my feelings for 9 months. Let those crazed emotions go away and get to know him better. Prayed and asked good Christian friends for their opinion. All green light. Took a deep breath and went for it.

I commend you for your decision to hold back and not waste your time with secular matchmaking. I think it's harder for a guy to hold back especially from a "physical touch" point of view. But I believe if you humble yourself and ask for help, God will lift you up to the challenge. For God, nothing is impossible. God bless you!

Wow 9 months your patient Mave! I totally agree with your statement though. I don't think that you should be searching out someone. But praying that God would find the right person for you and let you meet her at the right time. That will help reaffirm that its the right person when you meet her instead of you searching. Because your guaranteed to find someone when you are searching but I doubt that its would be the right one for you.

Now on dating I don't think their is anything wrong with it as long as you keep building each other up in the faith and your not with each other just for the sake of having a bf/gf.

[cbwing0]

I think it's great that you made this vow to yourself. Hopefully God will give you the strength to keep it.

I am at the very least taking a break from dating at the moment, and courtship is looking better all the time. I will defintely read the books by Joshua Harris at some point.

[Destroyer2000]

Hm. Everyone here has mentioned good points of view, whether it be cautioning or praise. Now...it would be near IMPOSSIBLE if you didn't even try to get to know the girl(s). I guess it'll require being friends, but that can be done without anything sexual. As for keeping my mind of women...two things. God and Kenjutsu. Meh...

Now, enough of this. It feels like I'm just trying to attract attention to myself.

[Ashley]

Yeah, I agree. Like Eirewolf, Orange Kitten, and Shatterheart all mentioned, it's probably not the BEST course of action to completely cut yourself off from dating all together (could end up really hurt and mistaken), but I agree--dating doesn't have to be all about getting physical. I think if you're great friends with a girl first and then it becomes something more, you already respect her enough that you don't want to ruin either of your goals as far as purity is concerned.

And I don't mean this patronizingly in the least, but you are 14. Life is likely (make that definately going) to change, as well as your mental maturity and mentality concerning women and dating. But hey, you've made a commitment to stay pure, and that's really admirable.

[ZiP]

Don't do anything fisical with a girl you wouldnt do in front of your futur wife...