Guy trouble

[Spirit_Wolf8356]

I know there's a forum for girl trouble, but what about one for guy trouble?

See, I'm having a little bit of a problem myself. My head's confusing my heart. This guy is my friend, right? But, I really like him. I'm not sure if it's just ya know, like a brotherly love or ya know, girlfriend like boyfriend like. But, another problem is he's got a girlfriend. He's really sweet and he's a really good christian and he's been my friend for awhile now. *sigh* I just don't know what my head is trying to tell me. Any suggestions on how to figure it out?

[cbwing0]

Yeah, I know I'm a guy; but I'll post here anyway.

The first thing I would ask is, what does he think of you? Does he want to be anything more than a friend?

Of course it is possible that you "like-like" him, but that is irrelevant if he currently has a girlfriend. After all, we should not forget the tenth commandment:

"You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor" (Exodus 20:17).

If a wife is counted in that commandment, then I think it would also apply to boyfriends/girlfriends. Besides, this could create a great deal of trouble if you are on friendly terms with his current girlfriend.

Speaking as someone who has liked people who were "taken" in the past, I know that it is hard, but the best thing is to forget about it until his current relationship is over.

[Rev. Doc]

The best advice I can give you is that which I give to my 15 year old daughter. At your age (I am assuming it is 16 from your profile) the chances of strong, lasting relationships are very slim. Because of little experience and the immaturity of one party or the other, it is almost impossible to develop a relationship at that point that will last a lifetime. In other words, chances are young men and women between the ages of 14 to 19 will have a number of so called, "steadies." However, those relationships that eventually develop a strong bond are the ones that begin as good friends and slowly, step by step, lead to admiration and a secure dependence in the emotional, physical, and spiritual areas on each one involved. Continue to develop that friendship you have with one another. Be there for each other in the joys and heartaches of life. Let the Lord work first in both of your hearts. I am a firm believer that until we are mature enough to allow God to be truly first in our lives, He will not bless a relationship that would lead to possibly taking our eyes off of Him. Remember that fact. The best relationship is not just one that is developed between a man and woman, but between a man, woman, and God. And this takes time, which at this point you have a good bit.

[The Grammarian]

Sage advice, Rev.

[Spirit_Wolf8356]

Thanks so much to both of you. I think I will keep the friendship going. I value him too much as a friend. His girlfriend is sort of becoming my friend to, so, yeah.(I would never try to steal him away from his girlfriend. I'd rather see him happy than tear them apart.) He's just come to mean a lot to me and sorting out how much is talking a lot of time. Patience is a virtue I guess.

[Spirit_Wolf8356]

That actually helps a lot Cephas. I'll lend a listening ear to your girl probs if you need one.

[Azier the Swordsman]

[quote="Cephas"]Here's some really trite advice:

Try to busy your mind with other things. If you have homework, do it thouroughly and recheck it for errors. If your room/house is messy, clean it! Find a hobby. Master the languages of Sanskrit, Latin and ancient Greek (okay, maybe not that).

Associate more with your same-sex friends. No, I'm not advocating an intimate same-sex relationship]


I simply get into a good video game and pretend women never existed.

[Fsiphskilm]

LOL...I Love that!

[Solid Ronin]

hmmm my advise is not to date at al but hey thats me

[EireWolf]

I think I will keep the friendship going. I value him too much as a friend.

This is good. Good friends are hard to find, and at this age, romantic relationships are too volatile and fleeting (in general). I know it's difficult not to crush on a guy who's a really cool friend, but... try thinking of him as a brother, perhaps.

[The Grammarian]

It always sounds weird to me to hear "crush" used in the construction, "crush on someone." I don't know why, but it kinda sounds creepy to me, too.

[cbwing0]

This is good. Good friends are hard to find, and at this age, romantic relationships are too volatile and fleeting (in general). I know it's difficult not to crush on a guy who's a really cool friend, but... try thinking of him as a brother, perhaps.

Wow...it took a while for a girl to post on this thread.

Edit: Thanks to Ronin of Kirai for pointing this out to me.

[Mave]

I have a question for the guys. I think answers to this will help the girls. And please don't make fun of this, I am really seeking answers.


1) Is it really difficult for the guys to say those three words, "I love you"?
2) If he doesn't really say it, does it mean he doesn't really care? Or does he really still care? 0.o

I miss my guy who's in Chicago, we don't really meet that often. The longest we've haven't seen each other was 4-5 months. Many who hear this are kinda surprised by this. But we're still together. The only thing that bothers me is that I feel sad when I see other long distance couples everytime I go to church. I know their guys visit their girls every weekend. I don't want to compare or expect my guy to do the same because he has to work during the weekends. I'll try not to be selfish, I guess I'm just have a tough week and wish he was around. Those questions are applicable for me, I haven't heard him say that to me since May 2003 (yes, women keep track of those kind of things!).

[Fsiphskilm]

[quote="Cephas"]"G

[Azier the Swordsman]

1) Is it really difficult for the guys to say those three words, "I love you"?
2) If he doesn't really say it, does it mean he doesn't really care? Or does he really still care? 0.o

Do you mean when you are still 'just friends' but secretly in love, or already in a relationship? I know for a fact that if I were truly in love with a girl, telling her so would be the hardest thing in the world for me.

As for your second question, I really can't answer that. Each of us guys are different. Maybe he's afraid to say it. Maybe he's just not the sentimental type?

[Mave]

Do you mean when you are still 'just friends' but secretly in love, or already in a relationship? I know for a fact that if I were truly in love with a girl, telling her so would be the hardest thing in the world for me.

As for your second question, I really can't answer that. Each of us guys are different. Maybe he's afraid to say it. Maybe he's just not the sentimental type?

Oh sorry, I should have made it clearer.

My question, "Is it difficult for guys to tell the girl they truly love, "I love you"?

I'm kinda curious coz my boyfriend whom I've been with for almost 2 years, is yes, hardly the sentimental type (thinks romantic movies are cheesy). He's the type that goes, "Valentine's day? oh really, when was it? Over already? Oh...OK..*goes and watch football game*" So how do the non-sentimental type of guys show their love?

[The Grammarian]

I wouldn't know. Although I hate cultural holidays in general, I'm too much of a sentimental guy.

[Lochaber Axe]

There are really two kinds of guys, the sensitive and the tough guy. Most are inbetween but for generalizing, this is good enough.

A sensitive man has no problem in relating his emotions to others because of his upbringing. If his father, or mother, taught him that is does not make less of a man for him to express his emotions then there is hardly any fear in saying the dreaded, "I love you".

The media has pounded into our minds that the sensitive guy is a wuss, another name for a cat, and a sissy. This has in turn created the clinched tough guy. I am not refering to guys that work hard or will defend with every fibre of their being to protect their loved ones, I hope that I am like that. I am refering to guys that shun and are uncomfortable with emotions. Ironically, King of the Hill is on and is an example of this. Hank Hill is many times uncomfortable showing any affection and this stems from his father Cotton who has little respect for women.

This is only a small explanation and sorry if it sounds like a research paper.

[cbwing0]

Yeeeees. You see I'm not giving any advice, I'm just going to hang around and listen to all these hilarious replies.

Come on...you know you want to.

What I find funny about this situation, and about those like it, is that you are complaining about this guy not doing something, yet you presumably have not told him how you feel on the issue. Perhaps he would express his feelings more if you asked him how he felt, or simply asked him if he loved you.

Come to think of it, this reminds me a lot of the end to the movie "Spirited Away."

[spoiler=Spirited Away]Jahiro/Sen has to pick the pigs that are her parents out of the group of pigs. If she guesses right, they will be turned back into humans, and she can leave. If she guesses wrong, she must work for the witch forever. Even though she was completely unable to distinguish between her parents and the other pigs earlier in the film, she somehow knows that none of the pigs in front of her is her parents. She says so, and everyone lives happily ever after. It doesn't make any sense for her to be able to know that, just as it doesn't make sense for a guy to be able to read your mind.[/spoiler]

If you haven't seen the movie and don't want to see the spoiler, basically I said that you shouldn't expect guys to be mindreaders; then again, guys shouldn't expect girls to be mind readers either. I have firsthand proof that they are no better at it than most guys.

[Azier the Swordsman]

Hmm... well, if it were ME, I would definately tell the girl I loved 'I love you' on a regular basis. Maybe you should just ask him strait out how he really feels. If you want to be more subtle, try saying 'I love you' to him, then see if he responds.

[Mave]

Hmm...do I seem like I'm complaining about him? Sigh..my bad. I'm trying my best not to complain about my circumstances but sometimes I don't even realize it.

I guess I'm afraid to tell him what I feel. Why? Huh, I wish I knew myself. Maybe coz I don't want to seem like a whiny selfish brat or something like that. Or I'm scared of offending him. 0.o Arghhh.....what's going on? I used to be so open with him and never hid any feelings.

Ah, but thanks a lot for the sharing. ^^ It's got me thinking and I think I know what to do now. Thanks for bearing with this inexperienced sister.

[cbwing0]

Ah, but thanks a lot for the sharing. ^^ It's got me thinking and I think I know what to do now.

That's great! I hope everything works out for you.

[madphilb]

Mave, I was going to post on this yesterday and didn't.... started too and found myself too woordy and a bit too preachy.

It's not just men, but as a rule they genarally don't share feelings well. Background, culture, and heritage tend to play a roll... for instance, my family doesn't "gush" with emotion very often... an issue which I believe caused problems in my marriage and I know I've seen it come up as an issue with others in my family. My mom blames it on our German background (PA Dutch).

I agree that you should communicate with him... that too is part of why I now have an EX-wife

That's not to say that him knowing will necessarily change how he acts... that can be a long process, and he's got to want to (in the end, you have to be willing to accept him as is, that's part of what Love is).

I'd say your fear about asking this might have more to do with being afraid it's over, and by asking him you'll find out for sure one way or another.

Bill Cosby in a comedy routine of his that I saw on TV in the last year talked about a similar issue with people and doctors. He said that people will avoid going to a doctor for a checkup because if they don't go, and don't find out, then they don't have it. (follow?)

Men are generally somewhat oblivious to things around them... we don't think or connect with emotional things quite the same as women (it's been proven that Men's brains are physically structured different from Womens). It's not an absolute, but it works as a general rule.

In the end... not sure you should listen to me though, don't exactly have the greatest track record... I can only tell you where I screwed up (well, some of it)... but that won't help you much....

Let me know if you need me to go have a little talk with him

[Lochaber Axe]

Thanks for bearing with this inexperienced sister.

I find this particularily amusing. Why? Because none of us are completely experienced in love and life. I certainly haven't, as do many of us here. Life is like a job, no matter if you worked for five or fifty years at a job you'll never be completed experienced in that job until you retire. Why do I think this way? Because when you retire, you stop growing and learning from that job, and that is when you are experienced. The same with life. The only time you can say you are experienced in life is when you walk up to the Heavanly Father and say, "Well that was a good run, wasn't it?"

In short, experience means little for when you have reached that point of total knowledge of anything, it ends up not meaning a thing to you then.

You get what I'm saying?

[Omega Amen]

Mave, I also have wanted to post something yesterday but that also turned out to be very long and preachy, and I did not want to embarass you. However, I am very concerned after a few of your posts.

Of course, disclaimer, I am a loner, and I am some guy from the Internet who does not know you very well or this relationship.

First, do not feel bad about whether you sound like you are complaining. You have very valid issues to bring up, and you should. 2 years long distance? 4-5 months not seeing each other? Geez, you are an incredibly patient woman... maybe too patient.

Second, men just cannot handle the subtle stuff. We tend to write off subtle signs as just being in our imagination and unintentional. Men prefer direct, honest, and tactful communication from women. You seem to me a very reasonable woman, so you know how to present this in the proper way.

Third, I don't recall anywhere in Scripture saying that a woman should only respond towards affection expressed by a man and not express her desire to her man initially. You might have to challenge your boyfriend to lead this relationship like he should. Men tend to be leaders or they just sit by and not get involved. Yes, I feel a woman has every right to expect their man to lead and demand it. Clearly state your end goal of this relationship (marriage I am guessing) and give him a reasonable amount of time to respond whether he will commit and lead to try to see this end goal is appropriate for the two of you.

Yes, I am advocating that you bring this up very clearly. You have very good reasons to be worried if there is so little communication and so much strain in a long relationship. Yes, this might not lead to a storybook happy ending, but this is serious stuff you are dealing with anyway.

But, either way, pray over this. God knows best. Consult your family and your friends over this. They know better than we bumbling men of the CAA. You know better than we do. I am the first to admit that I probably sound like an idiot over this since I never been in a relationship... ever... not one date... no prom either.

I think I can speak for all the men here on this thread on this point. As fellow Christian brothers, we want to see what is good for you happen, and we want to see you happy, regardless of whatever advice we cook up.

I will pray for you and hope for the best. I will respect and support whatever decision you make. Good luck and God bless.

[Kisa]

I know there's a forum for girl trouble, but what about one for guy trouble?

See, I'm having a little bit of a problem myself. My head's confusing my heart. This guy is my friend, right? But, I really like him. I'm not sure if it's just ya know, like a brotherly love or ya know, girlfriend like boyfriend like. But, another problem is he's got a girlfriend. He's really sweet and he's a really good christian and he's been my friend for awhile now. *sigh* I just don't know what my head is trying to tell me. Any suggestions on how to figure it out?

I have this same exact problem minus the girlfreind. We are really good freinds and I don't know if he likes me back as more than just a friend either . . . I don't want to ruin the friendship so I figured I would just wait for him to make the first move ( I think the guys should anyway). He is sooo confusing though!

[EireWolf]

Actually, Omega Amen, you offer some pretty sound advice.

[Mave]

Hey guys, gosh I didn't expect so many replies all the sudden but I truly truly appreciate it. May I share some more? You don't have to provide advice...feel free to read through.

I'll definitely take all of your sharings into consideration and pray. I rely on God a lot in U.S coz I don't have my family or old friends with me. I'm pretty much on my own. (I'm an international student whose country/family is halfway on the other side of the world.)

I'll just explain that my boyfriend hates his job as an auditor and wishes he could switch jobs but he's a H1 visa worker..so he's trapped by contract (2 more years). I think that job stole my boyfriend, physically, psychologically and spiritually. He changed for the worst after taking on this job. I don't expect too much from him now coz he's got so much on his plate. I don't mind him being tired, low self esteemed and unmotivated, but I'm bothered by the fact that he's not the spiritual leader in the relationship. On the other hand, I do love him very much and appreciate his strong points, loyal, polite, kind to others, well-tempered, independant, respectable, humble, patient, a great listener...^^

Omega, actually I'm not really a patient person but I know that I'm an extremely loyal person. It's really hard for me to go back on my words once I've made a commitment to someone or something. It's kinda foolish coz I know I may never marry this guy. Thanks for keeping me in your prayers though May God give me wisdom and strength.

Mave, the "slightly more" inexperienced one...haha Is that more accurate now, Lochaber?

[Rachel]

this is something that's confused me for a while. why do guys act like they like you and then x number of days later you find out that he has a girlfriend. i really hate this. guys are so stupid. no offense, but really they are.

[cbwing0]

this is something that's confused me for a while. why do guys act like they like you and then x number of days later you find out that he has a girlfriend. i really hate this. guys are so stupid. no offense, but really they are.

I could ask the same thing of girls.