I'm writing a story, and I'm nervous.

[Kesshin]

All right, here's the next installment, as promised. ^^

As they neared the edge of the desert, Pen felt her hair come loose from its binding. The sun was setting around them, like a golden coin sinking over the horizon. Her arms ached from carrying Joyce, and having her hair flung in her face was definitely the last thing she needed. The brown tangle of hair whipped around her head, turned wild by the howling wind. She felt like laying down to take a nap, but they had to keep going, they had to. She looked over at Kern. His eyes were drooping. Joyce was sleeping like a baby in Pen's arms. 'We're all thoroughly exhausted,' Pen thought to herself. 'When will this desert end? Does it even have an end? It feels like we've been here forever.'
That's when she saw something. It was very small, just a dot in the desert's nothingness, but it wasn't sand. Pen squinted. The object was becoming larger. 'What is it?' she wondered.
"Kern," she rasped. Her dry throat ached from saying even such a small word. He didn't even bother looking at her. His worn-out mind didn't try to understand what she was saying.
"Kern," Pen repeated, "look, there's something out there. The desert must be ending. We're almost to the Dark Side!"
He kept staring ahead.
"Mm hmm, that's nice, Pen," he croaked.
Pen rolled her eyes. Thank goodness the object wasn't far off now. As they got closer, Pen could see it was circular and black. They walked up to it. It was a hole in the ground, and it seemed to go down for miles. Pen stared down into the abyss. She had hoped that this thing would bring some sort of relief, some sign of the desert ending. Now she knew it meant no such thing. It was just a big, black hole, a void-which was exactly how her heart felt at that moment. Pen threw back and laughed a bitter, hysterical laugh. She had had no water all day, and it was beginning to get to her.
"Well," she said sourly, "Here it is. All of our hope is surviving this impossible mission, all the hope we had." She pointed to the hole, "There it is."
She stared up at the sky and screamed in frustration and despair.
"What did we do to deserve this?! We're lost, and we're going to diiieee!!!"
Pen's screams woke Kern from his dazed state.
"What's going on?" he mumbled. He glanced around. Suddenly, before he could stop himself, his legs gave out. This would have been fine, if he hadn't fallen into the hole.
Pen gasped, and desperately shot out her hand in hopes of preventing his fall, but she only succeeded in pulling herself and Joyce head-first into the darkness.

[Icarus]

[quote="Kesshin"] As they got closer, Pen could see it was round]
I think you could do better.

[churchgirl111]

Good. I would suggest that you make some paragraphs though... avoid the use of adverbs, any verb ending in ly, they tend to take away from showing a story to telling it... unfortunately i do it all the time..so it takes practice!

also avoid words like, had,has,was, should, could, that also tends to make a story tell versus show...

But your doing awesome!!! KEEP IT UP!

[Lochaber Axe]

Yes, those are valid suggestions. I agree with what Icarus said. Never use the word 'thing'... Ever... It has no context, nor any descriptive meaning. Also the last paragraph with the verb 'shouted'... how do you shout out your arm? That is what your audience sees when they read that. Change it to 'threw' or some other verb that correspondes with the movement of appendages.

One last thing... many writers (I also do this now) put thoughts into italics. It makes it stand it in the story and you want introspective moments to stand out.

[Kesshin]

Yes, I could indeed do better, Icarus. *edits* There ya go. Better?
Thanks for the advice, Churchgirl. ^^
Edit: Just read you post, Loch. *Aaauggh!!!* How come I keep missing you like that?! About the shouted, I think that was a typo. I'll fix it....

[Kesshin]

Gomen nasai for double posting. Editing previous messages takes longer.
Lochaber: I don't think my computer does italics, not on the internet, anyway. Maybe it does, but I don't know yet how to use my computer to its fullest. If you could tell me how, I'd be more than happy to. ^^

[Lochaber Axe]

The easiest way to do it is to use your keyboard. I use it now instead of clicking on those buttons.

Bold: ctrl + B

Italics: ctrl + I

Underline: ctrl + U

The best thing to do is to learn all your keyboard shortcuts. It makes writing and editing easier. Definitely editing is easier, just use the arrow keys to get to the area you want, hold shift and drag with the arrow keys around the mistake, and press delete. Bada Bing Bada Boom.

[Mimichan]

Huzzah! ^_~.....and Double huzzah now that you've made the corrections. *wonders where the big black hole leads to*

[Kesshin]

Lochaber: Thanks a bunch, Loch. ^^ That will be most useful.
Iesu: Thanks for the huzzah. ^^ And don't worry, you'll find out where the hole leads soon..... *chuckles mischeviously*

[Icarus]

A swingin' huzzah from me!

[true_noir_chloe]

You're doing good. I really like the short additions. I can just jump on here, read, and then come back and read again. I'm getting curious about the black hole. How neat. Everyone's giving you good advice, so I'll sit back and watch your story develop.

[Kesshin]

Glad you're entertained, Chloe. ^^
And arigato for the swinging huzzah, Icarus.
I'll post more soon.

[Kesshin]

Here's the next installment. ^_^
This story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2004.

Pen woke with the sun burning a hole through her closed eyelids, and a mouth that felt full of sand. With a shock she realized it was indeed full of sand, and hastily sat up, spitting grit and taking stock of their surroundings. Apparently the hole they'd fallen into wasn't as deep as it looked. The ring of sunlight above them wasn't far off, and it allowed a small trickle of light to reach the hole's floor. Pen had landed in the center of this ring, and beyond it lay blackness.
"Guys?" she called out timidly.
There was no answer. Fearing the worst, she crept out the warm glow of the sun and felt about the dark hole floor, feeling her way around with her hands.

[Kesshin]

Sorry that one was so short, guys, (though Chloe seems to like installments that way ^^).
Here's another one. By the way, I'll be unable to post for the next three days. Sorry 'bout that. I'll have more of my story done when I return. This story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2004
(And I expect some critiquing from my editor when I come back, Lochaber. I don't know what I'd do without your advice)

Just when she was beginning to give up hope of ever seeing her companions again, Pen's hand brushed something soft amid the coarsness of the sandy floor. She grabbed a fist-full of whatever it was and dragged it into the light. The 'something' turned out to be Kern's sleeping head, and the 'fist-full' a tuft of his raven hair. Not surprisingly, he didn't stay asleep long. Kern let out a rather undignified shreik, muffled by the walls of sand that surrounded them, and stood shakily to his feet. With his harsh breathing and red-rimmed eyes, he looked like something out of a horror novel, rather than an operative for CRAL. It occured to Pen, however, as Kern glared down at her, that she probably looked just as unpleasant.
"Why," he huffed loudly, "did you do that?"
Pen fidgeted embarrassedly.
"Uh, sorry. Here."
She handed him a wad of hair. Kern stared at it for a moment, then shoved her hand aside.
"Forget that, Pen. Where's Ralda?"
With a horrible shock, Pen realized she had no idea. She had been so relieved at the finding of Kern Ralda had been blown clear from her mind.
"I...I don't know, Kern."
A crease of worry divided his brow.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" he yelled at her anxiously, "Let's start looking!"
Pen nodded. Together they made laps around the cavernous hole, searching for their teammate.

[Lochaber Axe]

Well, when I said that I wanted to be a freelance editor, I did not mean that "free". That would defeat the whole purpose of a career. I will "edit" your work for the sake of you (and myself in a way) becoming a better writer. Do not call me an editor. I have no technical training in that field, and neither do I have any kind of degree.

If I was to call myself a true editor... it would be fraud, to me personally and also to the courts.

My opinions, in my belief, should be taken as worth a grain of salt officially.

[Kesshin]

I only meant to pay you a compliment, Lochaber, I know you're not a professional editor. The advice you give is very helpful, though, that's all I meant.

[true_noir_chloe]

I think Loch gives good advice, too. ^_^ I'm always giving away free editing; but, when I do I have to pull out my resources, since nothing is at the top of my head and I never obtained a degree in editing. Do they have those? *hehe*

Hey Kesshin, you rock and roll. The last installment is a very good one. I told you my comment on the last pm, so I won't bother you with it here.

Later days. <----- What show is that from?

[Icarus]

Two short posts equal one long one, so I'm roughly on track. Cool posts.

[Icarus]

Bumping thread quite merrily until the authors return, at her behest.

[Icarus]

At it again.

[Kesshin]

I'm back, guys. Thank you, everyone, for helping out. I will post another installment later tonight.

And Chloe: That was from the Weekenders, wasn't it? ^^

[Kesshin]

I apologize, I meant to post last night, but I didn't get around to it. -_-
So, here's my installment now.
This story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2004.

Together, Pen and Kern spread out around the large cavern, running their hands along the curving walls. Visibility was next to zero, and Pen wasn't paying strict attention to where she was heading. So consequently it was no surprise when she tripped over Joyce, who was laying directly in her path. Pen felt her chin hit the floor with overwhelming force. She would have some interesting bruises when this mission was over. Joyce whimpered in the dark. Pen scooted closer to her.
"Jo-I mean, Ralda, are you all right?" Pen knew it was unlikely Kern could hear them whispering, he was at the opposite end of the cavern, but she didn't want to take any chances of him hearing Ralda's real name.
"I am fine," Joyce coughed sickly, "How are you?"
Gently, Pen ran her fingers across Joyce's wound; it was wet.
"Not good," Pen murmured, pulling her hand away. She was uncomfortably aware of the sticky goop on her fingers; and though she could barely see in the pitch black, she was sure Joyce's blood was most definitely still green.
"Right, here's the plan." Pen whispered to her, "First off, don't make a sound." Pen could almost make out the shape of Joyce's nodding head.

"Second, I'm going to have to rebandage your wound. As long as we keep quiet, Kern will be none the wiser."

[Icarus]

Thank you for the post. I'm too tired to comment right now, but there is something that needs doing. I'll let Loch find it.

[Lochaber Axe]

"Not good," Pen murmured, pulling her hand away. She was uncomfortably aware of the sticky goop on her fingers; and though she could barely see in the pitch black, she was sure Joyce's blood was most definitely still green.
"Right, here's the plan." Pen whispered to her, "First off, don't make a sound." Pen could almost make out the shape of Joyce's nodding head.
"Second, I'm going to have to rebandage your wound. As long as we keep quiet, Kern will be none the wiser."

Well all that I could find wrong is that in the first paragraph above, there is no need for that semicolon. Add a comma in that void to break it off as an abrupt change in thought and add the "and" before "she was sure" to even it out.

Secondly, on the last two paragraphs you should merge them together. Pen is still the same one speaking and no matter what the other person is doing (short of interrupting the speaker verbally) should divide the dialogue.

That is all that I found right now.

[Kesshin]

Thanks, Loch. ^^ I'm too tired to edit it right now, but I will later. I will post another installment soon, so keep an eye out for it.

[Kesshin]

'K, new installment.
This story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2004.

Gently, Pen peeled off Joyce's old bandages, laying them in a pile next to her. Besides a slight whimper, Joyce didn't protest. With much caution and deliberation, Pen tore off another long strip from her pants. 'If I keep this up much longer, these won't be pants, they'll be shorts,' Pen mused. The ripping sound of cloth tearing was a little too loud for comfort, causing Kern to pause in his work and turn around. Joyce and Pen held their breathes. Slowly, Kern relaxed and returned to his searching. The two girls let out sighs of relief, and Pen turned her attention back to the wound. The gash was almost covered, with only a bit of blood showing, when Kern tapped his foot against Joyce's in the darkness.
"Pen? Ralda? Who was that?"
"Oh shoot, it's Kern," Pen growled.
Their cover blown, Pen had no choice but to reveal herself. She walked away from Joyce, closer to the light in the center of the hole. Kern squinted at her, straining his eyes.
"Oh, it's you, Pen. Did you find Ralda?"
"Nope, no luck," Pen answered, shaking her head and trying to look as innocent as could be possible under the circumstances.

[true_noir_chloe]

>>And Chloe: That was from the Weekenders, wasn't it? ^^

Yep, that's it. It's one of my fav shows that I watch with my daughter.

Onto the installment: I think you're getting the hang of things. I'll only give you correction.

>> Joyce and Pen held their breathes

It should be "breath" not breathes.

I also find it hard to buy that Kern just hasn't figured out that Ralda/Joyce is there. I think maybe you could make it more like Pen is keeping Ralda/Joyce from Kern because of female problems or because she's shy and doesn't want Kern to see where she's bandaging. Otherwise, I'm thinking Kern is coming off pretty dumb. I don't know, maybe someone else can comment on this.

All in all, you're doing good and it's coming along great. ^_^

[Icarus]

I agree with Chloe, Kern does seem a bit slow.

[Lochaber Axe]

I think that I have an idea that will remedy this: Have it that something preoccupies Kern's mind to the point that he doesn't notice. Sometimes I get so deep in thought that I completely fall into a trance. Not a very good idea when walking.

[Kesshin]

Yes, you're all right, I think I am making Kern seem a bit slow. He isn't really, the cave's very dark, you see. Hmm.... I guess I could change it. But I've already written the next installment, and him now knowing she's there is crucial to the plot. Thanks for the advice, though. ^^ I'll post more later.