WindBurg Hill (A screenplay, please critique)

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WindBurg Hill (A screenplay, please critique)

Postby The Last Bard » Mon May 08, 2006 8:02 am

This is my first attempt at proper screenplay format. Please, if you know how to properly write screenplays, tear this apart. That's all I'm asking, is that you tear this screenplay apart and let me know what I did wrong.

The story isn't very good, obviously, but that's because it's something I had already decided not to do, but decided to write it for the practice.

Thanks!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WINDBURG ROAD, NIGHT
(It is a narrow road, enclosed by trees
on either side)


ETHAN is sitting silently, unmoving atop a
Branch that is hanging over the road.

STAGE COACH

The coach is rolling down the road with
Two mounted guards following and one man driving the
Coach.

ETHAN: Silently falls from the branch onto the coach

Marcus
You hear something?


GUARD 2 (Listens for a moment)
No…


Marcus
Go check out the coach


GUARD 2
(Rides up beside the coach and
Moves back the curtain) Nah, it’s fine.


DRIVER
What’s going on?


GUARD 2
Nothin’ Marcus just thought he
heard something. (Rides back to where
Marcus is)


MARCUS
I could’ve sworn I heard
Somethin’


GUARD 2:
(Sarcasm)
Well, no one was there.
We are in a forest, meaning there
Is a chance of wild animals…


ETHAN: (REACHES DOWN AND OPENS THE
COACHES SIDE DOOR, AND SLIPS INSIDE
FEET FIRST, CLOSING THE DOOR AFTER
HIM)

INSIDE THE COACH, NIGHT

(There are two chests and some loose bags
of spices and grains)

ETHAN: (OPENS ONE CHEST, AND IT HOLDS
ONLY CLOTHES. He searches but doesn’t
Find what he’s looking for.
Seeing the other chest has a lock, he
Reaches into his left sleeve and
Produces two metal hook like tools and
Inserts them into the lock, he hears
A click and the lock pops open.)

MARCUS
I want you to check the coach.


GUARD 2
(SIGHS AND ROLLS EYES.
RIDES UP
AND THROWS BACK CURTAIN.) See, nobody
there! (RIDES BACK)

ETHAN: Hiding beside window, just out of
Site, and blending with the shadows.

(Takes lock picks from his mouth
and returns them to his sleeve. He
crawls back over and opens the chest.
It’s filled with golden coins, he
Closes the lid and unsheathes a small
Dagger he has attached to his right
Boot, and begins cutting a gash into
Each of the bags. He cuts into
the second bag and wheat spills out,
but amid the wheat are sparkling
stones.
He grabs the bag and pours the contents
On the coach floor and quickly picks
Out all the diamonds and places them
In a small leather bag he has attached
To his left wrist.)
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Postby Kaori » Mon May 08, 2006 10:44 pm

The Last Bard wrote:This is my first attempt at proper screenplay format. Please, if you know how to properly write screenplays, tear this apart. That's all I'm asking, is that you tear this screenplay apart and let me know what I did wrong.

I have not ever written a screenplay and have pretty much no experience with them, so please don't take my criticism as you would an expert's. I really don't have any suggestions about the quality of the writing, just questions to clarify some points:

How high is this tree branch from the top of the coach? It seems that, unless the distance is very small, it seems like it would be difficult to drop onto the coach in complete silence.

If the fall is truly silent, how does Marcus hear him? Is Marcus actually imagining things, or did he hear a sound that Guard 2 doesn't?

As a reader, I am wondering how Ethan is reacting to events this whole time. We see some emotion from Guard 2 here:

The Last Bard wrote:(SIGHS AND ROLLS EYES.
RIDES UP
AND THROWS BACK CURTAIN.)

But there is nothing to indicate what Ethan is feeling. Is he cool and collected because he is a master thief who has done this sort of thing many times before and it's just routine for him? Do his hands shake (either from excitement or fear) when he is going through the chests? Does he breathe a sigh of relief when Guard 2 fails to see him? Is he sweating from tension? If this were an actual movie, we would know some of these things from the actor's expressions. Presumably, you don't want to leave that interpretation completely up to the actor: there is a huge difference between "calm and collected master thief" and "nervous but competent novice."

My only other comment is that I feel slightly skeptical about Ethan's ability to remain undetected through all of this. If he really is a master thief, it makes sense, but we don't actually know anything about him yet. Right now, he just seems to be rolling some pretty amazing numbers on his stealth checks.

Otherwise, the scene does what it is meant to do: it functions as an attention-grabbing opening and (I assume) sets the stage for what follows.
Let others believe in the God who brings men to trial and judges them. I shall cling to the God who resurrects the dead.
-St. Nikolai Velimirovich

MAL
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