The History of the World, Revised Revisited and Uncut--besides the "icky" parts

[Ingemar]

NOTE: There is an earlier version of this thread on the same forum. You will definitely find it if you put "Vicente" on the search field. Anyway, I've made a few changes because I don't want people to be confused about the main character and the eponymous forumite.



FLUSH!!!

Perhaps this is not the best way to introduce a story, but nevertheless, it is relevant. It begins with the Protagonist swirling about the threads of fate like an unused toilet paper down the W.C. As he tumbles down, as nauseated by the dynamics of his fall as perhaps you are by the imagery, he finally crashes upon a dark lair, perhaps a cave. His fall was broken by some soft, dirty material—which is definitely NOT what you think it is.

"'1 2 3 4 PUSH!!!' Okay, I said it. Is something supposed to happen now?"

The one known as Melvin the Melody Maker groped about the darkness as he uttered phrase of alleged magical properties. The cave was still hopelessly dark. The stirring of bats could be heard a short distance away. He began to curse his lot in life.

Suddenly, a bright light shone. From where, he did not know. He only knew it was better than the miserable darkeness he found himself in.

"Over here! I am over here!" he yelled.
"Yeah, yeah. Just shut up and get in the jeep," answered a voice.
"Who?" asked Melvin. "I can't really make you out." The brightness of what he now knew were headlights blinded him.
"It is I, Cephas--the Fisher of Man, the Feeder of Sheep, of the Twelve. I have come to rescue you."
Melvin noticed another shadow sitting beside the famed apostle. "Who is that?" he asked.
"Rei Ayanami," answered Cephas, called Simon Peter. "I have no idea who she is or what she's doing here.
Rei remained silent.
"Are you getting in the van or not?" asked Cephas.
"You mean the jeep," answered Melvin.
"Whatever. I'm not here to split hairs," said Cephas.

From a distance gazed a bright and uppity girl. An average person would think she was a just one of those crazy high school types. A manga fan would say she was Tomo Takino. But in reality, she was Beelzebub, prince(ss) of demons. The feminist movement would have me bludgeoned to death for saying a girl was the devil. As she gazed upon the passengers of St. Peter's (called Cephas) jeep, she summoned one of the hellish horrors attending her.
"Billy Mays!" stormed Beelzebub, "have you seen 'Waiting for Guffman?'"
"No, I have not," answered Billy Mays.
"It is a good mockumentary, I should say," grinned the Destroyer of Souls. "That Christopher Guest makes me grin," grinned the Prince of Darkness and L.A. traffic. "Grin grin grinny grin grin."
"If it makes you grin that much," said Larry King, "maybe I should rent it. Also, if you want spotless kitchen and bath surfaces, you should really try Orange—“
Before Billy could finish, Beelzebub punched him across the face and gave off a mighty laugh, the kind which one would hear after solving a 3d sudoku puzzle. Billy Mays, unpahsed, continued:
“By the way, I saw Melvin in a Jeep with St. Peter and some random anime chick. What do you want done with them?"
"Oh," said the Father(Mother?) of lies and California home prices, "I don't really give a hoot n’ holler. I'm sure some gangster will put a bullet in their collective head."


".....and that's how we know the earth is banana-shaped," said Melvin.
"Fascinating!" said Cephas. "Now if you would give an explanation why Rei never speaks, I think we'll be quite satisfied tonight!"
"I do speak!" said Rei, finally. "Don't you ever watch Neon Genesis Evangelion?"
"Who has time to watch that awful show?" said Cephas.
Rei frowned.
And so, the three of them drove into the night, into the emptiness of what Melvin believed to be the Mojave desert, until they reaced the end of this miserable post.

[Zarn Ishtare]

Ingemar's at it again...Just like Sitcom Ninja!

(It's like the brady bunch, but with a ninja! And when the family finds asassinated shoguns in their laundry, they just say, "Oh, that Naughty Sitcom Ninja!")

I think I'll be quiet and watch the rest of the show.

*read CAA 2030 a web travesty!*

[Ingemar]

The briskness of the night air half relaxed Melvin, and half froze his buns off. This was of particular concern to him, because if his buns froze off, his girlfriend would have no delicious breakfast food. But, in another sense, it would mean that his posterior would be reddened and numb. This simple explanation is to help misguided readers who aren't familiar with double entendres.

"I was wondering," wondered Melvin as he wandered in his mind with three homeboys named Balthasar, Gaspar and Melchior in search of the Christchild (this is in his mind, mind you, if you don't mind) "Why did you rescue me?"
"It's simple, really." answered Cephas. "You see..." And he paused, trying to find the words in his thick, Isrealite fisherman skull, "Well, it's actually quite complicated. You are the Chosen One who needs to pilot the Mech to destroy the Evil plaguing our Planet." The Nouns were capitalised to correctly mimmick Imperial-era English where Nouns were typically written in capital Letters. This was also true of German, and still applies today. How this Distinction is supposed to be made when listening to the Speaker, I don't know. Keep in mind this is a farcical Story that isn't to be taken seriously.

"Huh?" said Melvin, half puzzled by his Destiny and half amazed by Cephas's antiquated and impressive English, "First I've heard of it! What in the world are you talking about? Is this a joke?"

"NO!" yelled Cephas. "It is is vely selious! You must pirot Mecha before it's Time finished! It must ready itserf for the battle final! Othelwise they am died!"

"????" said Melvin, remarkably able to pronounce punctuation marks. "Um, what did you say?"
"What I say!" answered Cephas. "It is in no possession of time make it happen!"
"I'm doggedly confused," said Melvin. "Rei, do you have any idea what he's saying?"
"|\|3\/3r p|-|34r, !'m 57!|| |-|33R," garbled Rei.
"GYAAAAAHHH!" screamed Melvin. I don't understand either of you! Snap out of it!" He grabbed Cephas by the cuff and slapped him.
"Oh, was I doing it again? I mean, talking like a poorly translated video game?"
"I guess that was it."
"I have only a few minutes before it happens again. You see, someone is tampering with the Time-Space continuum, causing things to happen out of the ordinary," explained St. Peter. "This explains the oddness of our speech, the frequent bright flashing in the sky you see from time to time which the Government tries to write of as Aurora Borealis/Australias and the mysterious appearances of historical figures and people who don't exist 'in real life'."
"Such as you and Rei?" asked Melvin.
"3x4c7|y," said Rei.
"Rei, shut the heck up," said St. Peter, called Cephas, sometimes Simon, and often Knucklehead. "She's exhibiting a condition called 'leetness' in which words are respelled with nonsensical symbols and numbers. Anyway, rooked at recordos and it is onry man capabur of the piroting of Mecha. They need yourhelp!"
"Oh, not again," said Melvin. "Your speech has gone erratic."
"Look! It shows being entry through timespace pohtaa! Watch itself!"
From what he could gather of Cephas's odd speech, Melvin assumed that someone from another time or dimension was appearing. His assumption was correct. A bright light flashed in front of the jeep. But before Cephas could swerve out of the way, the poor simp was flattened. Mel peeked out of the back for a closer look.
"You killed Carrot Top!" yelled he.
"|\|0 8!g |055," said Rei.


*for those who hate reading |33t (like me), Rei's lines in order are "Never fear, I'm still here", "exactly," and "no big loss"*

[Ingemar]

"We are at Rocation!" said Cephas, as he pulled up to the side of the road. He pointed to a small cave carved in the side of the hill. "It has no choice make its time immediately," said the disciple once again.
")-(u|2|2y !" exclaimed Rei.
Melvin, still doggedly confused, heeded their "pleas" and headed toward the cave, but not without apprehension. "Not another dern cave," he complained. "I've had enough of entering caves under mysterious circumstances."
Nevertheless, the alleged "Chosen One" hurried to the cave. On the way, he tripped over the body of Jimmy Hoffa, forgetting to take a photograph so he could send it to all the big news organizations and become very famous.
After a long run of 4 Kilometers ("Kilo" being French for "really big freaking" and "meter" being Sanskrit "huge length of space") he finally reached the cave.
As it was prophe-sized (with a side order of cucumber salad and St. Pita Bread), standing at the end of the cave was the Legendary Mecha, with its cockpit open.
"Okay, here goes nothing."
Melvin climbed inside and closed the cockpit. Almost immediately, the lights flashed on and a voice spake upon him. That was a cheap attempt at Middle English.
"Good Evening, Melvin. This is Mecha A.I." The voice sounded remarkably like James Earl Jones.
"Wow! You know my name!"
"Of course I do. You are the Chosen One, the only being capable of piloting me--"
"About that!" interjected Melvin. "How come I was the one chosen?"
"I am only a machine. I do not have the answer. What would you like to do today?"
"Um, first of all, can you say 'This is CNN?'"
"Unable to reply."
"Aww! You're no fun."
"What would you like to do today?" A screen flashed in front of Melvin. The screen had two buttons-"Save the World" and "Cancel."
"Um.... let's see..." said Melvin, as his finger hovered over the "Cancel" button.
"Are you sure?" replied James Earl Jones, but it wasn't really James Earl Jones, just a computer system with his voice, "Performing such an operation will consign the universe to everlasting doom. Would you like to continue?"
"On second thought," answered Melvin, "I like being alive. Let's try the 'Save the World' option."