Stories that never seem to finish but one day might...

[girlninja]

"Nii..chan! Nii..chan," Hitori cried out to his older sister, Reina. She stopped and turned, annoyance edged across her face.

"I need...to...talk to you!" he gasped, scrambling to catch up with her. Reina excused herself from her friends. They nodded in understanding and walked off.

She smiled and then turned her eyes to Hitori. They were cold and showed no warmth. She wore her black hair tight into a bun. A red bandana with black dragons swirling around it, kept her bangs from her eyes. Laylia was muscular, carried a metal pole in her hand and the symbol for "Fire" tatooed on her arm in red.

"What is it?" she glared, tapping her foot impatiently.

Hitori cringed, he hated when she got that look. "Please...nii-chan, please don't go outside the town."

Laylia sighed, "You have always been stupid. Where have you been the last three years???" SHe motioned around her. Hitori's eyes reluctantly swept the shacks, dirt roads and rags of people around them.

"If we are to survive, then you need to open your eyes and stop living in the past!" She gritted her teeth, "you are an embarassament, always calling me "ni-chan this. Nii-chan that, as if this was feudal Japan!"

Laylia pointed to the sky above, the same swirling darkness they saw everyday. "This is our world, Hitori. We live past the times of the car, rocket ship, malls and other ancient things. Since the "Hundred Year, thousand Wars" started, you have known this!"

She took one of her poles from her belt and elongated it, "Learn how to hunt and fight with this, be some use to this town." She began to walk away, "For the sake of all of us, grow up and stop going to that old man."

Hitori stared in shock at her, "Ni-chan.." he whimpered as he retracted the pole and began to walk in the opposite direction.

The year is 2285. In 2100, humans began a world war that never stopped. Greed incompassed all the countries. War broke out and now all that is left of any type of governments are villages defending their own and trying to make a living.

*more later

[Kaori]

Out of curiosity, how old is Hitori? The fact that he does (as Reina points out) simply repeat "nii-chan" over and over again makes it seem as if he is probably a fairly young child.

[spoiler]I believe that the usual way of referring to an older sister is onēsan.[/spoiler]
Your description of Reina creates a fairly memorable image. Her personality, although not terribly complicated as of yet, does come through rather clearly.

Laylia pointed to the sky above, the same swirling darkness they saw everyday.

Sentences like the one above arouse some degree of curiosity about the world the characters are living in. Should you choose to write any more of this story, you already have something to build on.

[girlninja]

Thankyou very much for your compliments and criticism and Hitori is probably 8 or 9. Fairly young and you will find, slightly uneducated in the ways of how Japan is supposed to be.

***

Hitori watched in silence as Reina walked away, joining others with a wave of her hand. Her black hair, once shiny a few years back, now carried the same dust and soot as everyone else got. "Rain" they began to call it, however, it no longer resemebled the beautiful liquid that once replenished the earth.


Hitori's lower lip trembled, he saw a pole on the ground and grabbed it. His tear-filled eyes narrowed as he ran towards the group of "hunters" that were starting out of the village.

Reina looked down in surprise but said nothing. it would be good for the boy to see some bloodshed, she thought, he was too sheltered of their new world.

Hitori blinked back the tears as their village gate loomed over him, leaving behind the dusty village and bringing him towards a much bleaker existence. Dust. A fine yellow-red dust.

He stopped for a moment in awe. Nothing green, like some of the plants they still had in the village. No water, nothing but dust. Reina crouched down, covering her head in the powder.

When she was done, she looked like a creature from another planet. She noticed him still standing, flesh in full view. "Hitori," she tugged on his shirt, "Get down here." He obeyed and she started to cover him head to foot. "Close your eyes and mouth," she instructed.

Before long, he appeared as the rest. Aliens from another planet.

*more later

[Esoteric]

Hmm, a very interesting start. BTW don't get discouraged if you can't seem to finish stories. It isn't easy. I've been trying to finish one story for more than two years now... But I will finish it eventually, little by little, as time allows. So don't give up!

[girlninja]

OOC: *smile thankyou esoteric-sama ^^

***

Hitori coughed once, his breath knocking some of the powder off his mouth. Laylia admired her work, "Now you look like a hunter."

Hitori said nothing and looked at those around him. He was one of the youngest. The older ones stared at him, blank expressions on there face. They scanned the horizon. Suddenly, a man with a similar head band as Laylia crouched. The others followed his lead.

He motioned forward and they crept with him, all in a squatting position. We look like ducks, Hitori almost laughed but Laylia's stern look kept it in. He smiled though as they waddled across the sand.

Suddenly the man stopped. His eyes looked to his left as he hurled a spear at a twig in the sand. Hitori watched the others do the same. He stared in confusion. A twig? They were hunting a twig?

Suddenly the man shouted, "Scatter!" Hitori saw in horror as the "twig" grew, the powder pouring off it. It grew eyes and a mouth. A big mouth with teeth. Razor shapr looking teeth. Dark brown and reddish scales covered it's body. It had large wings potruding from its back. Wolves feet and claws. Hitori remembered hearing about this beast: it was called a "Terek".

"FIRE!" Came the cry as more spears pierced the animal. Hitori woke from his stupor and hurled the spear as hard as his little arms could. He watched as it pitifully, bounced off the creature and into the sand about 100 yards back.

"Get your spear or else we're dead." She yelled over the creature's roar. Hitori nodded, sweat already pouring down his neck covering his dust covered hair which now seemed to stand on end.

He grabbed it and turned. In horror and without movement he saw men being thrown into the air, the claws slicing through their bodies. He noticed the beast was 12 feet in height. It's eyes scanned the numerous that still stood, finally landing on Hitori. He stared into its eyes as well as it started to charge.

Laylia noticed and ran after, frantically calling to the other hunters for help. They hurled there spears. She glared at it when suddenly, she grew wings. Scaled and black, like those of a dragon. Hitori stopped, dropping his spear. DId he just see what he thought?

She flew in front of the beast, floating between the two. She smirked and the beast swiped at her. Some of the hunters stared in awe while others grimaced, their spears ready. They had seen this feat before. Laylia, the princess fairy, became her nickname among their group.

Suddenly the beast gave a cry. Laylia had speared it through the heart. She landed on the ground, avoiding the beast fall and her wings retracted. She slumped to the ground.

"Laylia!" Hitori's fear overcame his feeling of confusion as he ran to his only family.

Laylia lay on the ground, a smile on her face.SHe chuckled, "This is your destiny. To save the world. We are known as Dragoons."

With that she was quiet and unconscious. The man Hitori had seen before placed a hand on his shoulder, "She'll be alright and don't worry, you'll be safe."

Hitori barely heard his words but nodded anyways. Dragoons, he thought, what are dragoons?

Others in the "hunter" group were giving instructions not to tell anyone as it could endanger the village's existence not to mention Laylia's and the boy.

Hitori stared as his sister was lifted on top of two people's shoulders. He shook, his body trembling. He stepped back and heard himself hit something soft. He looked down to see bodies. Those slain by the creature. Men were quickly digging holes to bury them, covering them in black tar they carried in a pouch to discard the scent.

Hitori followed the group behind his sister's carriers. He didn't understand. He glanced at her in wonder. What was this legacy she spoke of?

*more later and edited*

[Kaori]

It's nice to see that you're still working on this. Your description of the terek is very intersting; I haven't seen anything quite like it in other stories.

The fight scene left me with some unanswered questions: Why did Laylia need to take flight in order to spear the monster? Why is it important that she has wings, not just that she is a good fighter? Why did Laylia yell at Hitori to get his spear, since his role in the battle ended up being fairly unimportant? When did the monster kill the villagers who were being buried at the end of the chapter? If you have any plans for revising or expanding this section of the story, these are some things that you could logically be added.

The talk about Laylia and Hitori's destiny makes me curious to know more, and Hitori's question at the end of the section (which is also what your readers will be asking at that point) does a good job of arousing interest and indicating the importance of the characters' legacy.

[Esoteric]

All, right, some feed back! There is some good stuff here, but a few points in your story need some more thought...

First, for pitylessly...use pitifully.

Hmmm, Kaori has come up with some good points. The battle seems cut short, and that is perhaps why the dead men at the end were a surprise. The story is from Hitori's point of view. So during the battle even though he is overwhelmed and perhaps misses things like the hunters dying, it should be illuded to. (he should at least see a frenzy in the dust, men scrambling, crying out in terror, etc.) Another confusing point; Laylia tells Hitori to get his spear "or they're dead". Then, without waiting for him to get it, she launches her own attack. Logically, this doesn't make much sense, unless she only said it to get Hitori out of the way...but there's no real indication of that.

Kaori's also raises a point about whether using Laylia's wings were really nessesary here. The question I would raise instead is, why would a winged creature live under ground? Wouldn't it prefer to live somewhere high and swoop down? If it attacked that way, then it would be much more logical for Laylia to need her wings to intercept it.

Lastly, where has Hitori been that Laylia is surpised he doesn't know about dragoons? If she's been keeping a secret, ofcourse he'd be surprised...but obviously, this isn't the first time if some of the other hunters know about her, so I'm wondering...where has he been? Their relationship and past needs to be fleshed out a little more. You don't have to spill all the secrets just yet, but give the reader some more info on how they've been living within this hunter group. What is daily life like? Their lives are going to be changing, so give us a solid starting point. Hopes this helps. ^^

[girlninja]

Ok thankyou very much for the advice ^^ I've edited and I hope it makes a little more sense ^^ I'm going to write some more later and hopefully this will keep you intrigued ^^

[Esoteric]

That's better...The battle doesn't seem nearly as stunted now.

[girlninja]

Hitori still lay deep in the thought as they passed under the same gates. He stared at the hunters face. He too was like them. Just like them. He understood now what his sister meant about being sheltered.

The other hunters quickly dispersed after they entered. Hitori was left to follow his sister to a makeshift hospital. He rubbed his head. I don't get it, he slumped in the chair which creaked under his weight. Legacy...dragoon. He sighed.

"Hitori," a deep voice penetrated his thoughts. Hitori looked up to see Ten-ten, one of the doctors the village. He had spiky brown hair, a warm smile and the similar bandana's that everyone seemed to wear.

"Ten-ten, how is she?" He jumped up.

"She is going to be ok but needs rest for a while," he smiled.

Hitori breathed a sigh of relief.

"So go home and come back tomorrow, ok?" Ten-ten waved him off and walked away towards the double doors that led into the hospital rooms.

Hitori nodded, stood and walked back into the dusty outside. He looked up at the swirling sky. He no longer remembered what the sun looked like, barely anyone did.

He noticed a group of the older men were talking in hushed tones around one of the gates. Hitori inched towards them, careful to be unnoticed. Not that that would have been difficult since they were all so engrossed in their conversation.

"I heard that Laylia turned again," one of the men whispered.

"This is true but she if she didn't, then we would have been dead anyways," the man Hitori regonized as the leader of the hunter group from before, "She saved alot of lives today."

"But what if her and her kind turn on us humans next?!" a thin man with ragged clothing waved his hands widly, "You've seen their power and you've seen what happened at the beginning of the war. They are too dangerous!"

"The emergence of Dragoons was a shock to everyone, " the leader agreed, "and their are some bad and some good Dragoons. But it was not them who started this war or who turned the sky to black. That was our selfish pride for fighting, for wars and not realizing the consequences. Dragoons were our consequence."

The group lowered their heads in shame.

"We are the one's who used radioactive materials and changed people. We are to blame for their curses and they should be helped and praised not prejudiced against."

"I still don't trust them," the thin man grumbled.

"That is irrelevant and if you lay a hand on any dragoon in this village, I will personally feed you to Terek's," the leader clenched his teeth, glaring at the man.

"Hey Hitori!" a voice called out to him.

Hitori quickly got out of view of the group and turned to see his friend Shika coming towards him.

* more later*

[Esoteric]

Ah, a few more pieces fall into place. You've answered a few important questions and at the same time created more, such as: what role did dragoons play in the war? how did the sky blacken? Good, keep the reader guessing.

[Kaori]

To echo what Esoteric said, this section does do a good job of telling the reader more about your world and the dragoons while raising new questions. "How and why did the war start?" is another question raised in this section.

Incorporating this information into a dialogue was a good move; it has a reason for being in the story. Had this information been in the narrative instead of within the characters' conversation, it might have seemed like an interruption of the story.

[girlninja]

"Hey Hitori!" Shika called out again. She was a nine year old girl like him with dirty blond hair and rags for clothes. She carried a pole in her right hand.

"H-Hey Shika," Hitori smiled, wondering if she saw him spying.

She smiled, "Whatcya doin?'

"Just waiting for Laylia," he responded, his face turning more somber.

"Where is she? She getting us some food?" Shika looked around, expecting to see Hitori's big sister.

"Um..she's in the hospital, we just got back from hunting," he wiped his eyes from excess tears.

"Oh.." Shika's face became downcasted then she brightened, "BUt she'll be ok right?"

"yea," he shrugged, "I guess." He forced a smile for her sake.

*more later sorry got class*

[girlninja]

Shika beamed back, taking his arm, "Come on Hitori-san! Let's go see Gramps so you can tell him all about what you saw hunting."

Hitori shook his head, "I don't know..Laylia told me I should stop talking to him."

Shika laughed, "Laylia has always hated Gramps. I don't care. I'm going to go to him," she started to run down the street, "he promised to show us somthing neat today."

Hitori watched her run. Go, the voices in his head argued, you know you want to see him. Besides, they reasoned, you know that she'll get candy if she goes.

Hitori made his decision and tore after her, "Wait up!" They would have to take the back routes to Gramps today because the bullies were out in the main streets and he didn't want to face them.

They ran down a dark alleyway. Like normal, most of the buildings were teetering. Most wouldn't stay in these old memories due to "dangerous construction hazards" they had said once. Hitori still didn't know what that meant.

They knocked on the door. "One minute," came a gravelly voice. The door creaked open and a man with long white hair and a wrinkled face greeted them. He smiled, showing his various holes in his mouth. "Aww," he beamed, "Hitori. Shika. Come in."

He wore along tan robe with blue pants, a "kimono" he called it and vowed that many wore these outlandish garb before the Wars. Hitori always thought that a bit strange because the red dust would get all over it.

Shika and Hitori took off their shoes. One of the "conditions" Gramps made for them visiting. Got on their knees and did a formal bow. Gramps smiled, "now what brings you to me?"

***more later***

[Esoteric]

They would have to take the back routes to Gramps today because the bullies were out in the main streets today and he didn't want to face them today.

'Today' is used three times in the same sentence. 'tis a bit of a tongue twister. Other than that, good.

[Kaori]

The bit the outdated customs that "Gramps" follows is interesting; it is good that you are continuing to spell out some of the ways that the society in your story is different from the former one. I didn't quite follow the logic of why a kimono would be an impractical garment; perhaps if you included a description of the more modern clothing used by other characters, that would help your readers to know what the differences are.

[girlninja]

*tremble* can't believe i did that est LOL and thankyou guys for reading this ^^ i'll keep working at it..slowly lol