Metaphor

[Rachel]

This is the first actual poem I've written in a while. Lately I've been writing lyrics and stuff, so it was nice to do a poem again. Fifty cents to the first who guesses what the poem is talking about. Oh and also check out the attachment and see my horrible handwriting. Until next time.

the wind hits you
a ton of bricks
that take your breath away
thunder breaks in the distance
echoing across these miles
away from the shore
the rain is more
than just rain
it is a wave
that you throw yourself before
hoping it will drown you
calling lightning from the sky
to bring you down
you lie in pieces
from the storm breaking you

[Photosoph]

Rachel as announcer: "For fifty points to take the lead... what is this poem talking about?"
Psoph presses down on the buzzer.
"To you, Photosoph."
"For fifty points... 'the storm of life'?" she answers nervously, eyeing up the CAA cameras.

Okay, now back on topic...
Very cool! Lots of excellent imagery, especially the way you've carried the metaphor throughout the poem. It's sad... but beautiful. Excellent writing. Though I think, unless it's not the style you're going for, that a few commas, full stops etc might just help to break it up and emphasise certain sentences.

[Rachel]

*announcer voice* "I'm terribly sorry, but that is an incorrect answer and you will not be getting the fifty cents."

Hey, thanks! I'm really glad that you like it! I'll try to keep your pointers in mind for my next one. Peace.

[Felix]

*glances around nervously* Is it a Jr.Whopper?

<.< That was my best guess ^^;; BUt that poem is really cool!! I like it a lot!

[Rachel]

Hello, friends. Here is yet another new poem that I wrote a couple days ago. I myself have been having mixed reactions to this one so I'd appreciate it if you guys could tell me what y'all think.

Your's or Mine?

your heart is what I searched for
all these years
together we are invincible
through all the tears
we have laughed
it's been so long
since you brought out that smile
and I satarted melting
into your eyes, into your heart
into a place I'd never been
where every word makes me fall
into an extraordinary song
of love, of joy, of peace
of you
And now you're here
the one I love
with eyes that search into my soul
is it you heart or mine
that I hear singing?
is it your heart or mine
being broken by the other?
is it your heart or mine
I waited so long to find?

Well, that's it. Until next time. Peace.

[Photosoph]

I think it's good; like the other, I think it may need a few more punctuation marks. I also noticec that you'd put an extra a in started, though. ^_^ Ah, typos; the bane of novels and poems alike.
It seems a lot like a song to me; its subject is clear, and yet at the same time not something that I can nail altogether -which is no problem; it adds a little bit of a mystery, and definitely a song-like quality to the poem. But like I said, it may need to be broken up a little more with some extra punctuation marks.
Out of curiosity, why have you been having mixed reactions/what about?

[Rachel]

Out of curiosity, why have you been having mixed reactions/what about?

It's just so different from what I normally do. It's not very dark or mody or anything like that. Then there's the repetition, which isn't something I usually do. Usually I avoid it like the plague. I don't know...it just seems like I'm putting too much of myself into my poems nowadays and I don't know if I like it.

[Photosoph]

Ah, that makes sense. Well, although it isn't dark or moody, it does have a strong emotional dynamic to it, and it still brings through some really cool imagery. Sometimes, I guess it can feel weird when you try new stuff, but I still think, like your other poems, it's really cool, and like the others, is the sort of poem that could go to music very well. It's also cool that you're branching out into other themes and using other techniques as well, even if you're having mixed reactions about this poem.

[Rachel]

Thank you for liking them. It really means a lot to me when others appreciate my stuff. Well, here is a new one.

A gift I don't deserve
a debt you didn't owe
the price I can't repay
you'll be here always with me

How can you love me still?
hide my face to hide my shame
I'll call your name as I fall
and you take me back again

Lying broken on the floor
I've never felt so alive
I'll never be there again
with you pulling at my heart
I can't ignore you anymore.

Next week I'll try to have part two of "Metaphor" up in case anyone is still wondering what it's about. Until next time, peace.

[Photosoph]

That'd be cool!

Always Here... I enjoyed this one too. It talks about things I've been wondering about myself lately; about the way how even when I feel so guilty he still forgives me and takes my shame away. I really liked the last two lines of the second/middle verse; I'm not sure why, I just did.
Also, the last verse was amazing... just the way it starts out 'lying broken on the floor', and then turns around so suddenly, and wonderfully.

[Rachel]

Hey, thanks!

[Rachel]

Sorry to say but Metaphor pt two will have to wait a little longer than I'd orignally planned. Sorry if y'all are bummed by the news. But I do have a new one instead!

Such a beautiful tragedy
beautiful words flow like rain
over this heartbreak in C

My heart was stretched
to reach the notes
of an everchanging melody
that cannot heal wounds
only sung at night

Covered in red
measured in octaves and pain
what is broken can be whole
seeing your pain will make it so

as I hear fading echoes
of a beautiful sad song
breaking my heart for you

It's your turn now,
let's see you bleed for me.

[Photosoph]

No problem!

I love the allegory of pain and song; it's original and I liked the descriptions... 'heartbreak in c'... 'my heart was stretched to reach the notes of an everychanging melody'. I love music, and so I love the way you incorporate it into your poem.
And man, what a powerful ending! It's so impacting: 'let's see you bleed for me'. It's surprising, and one of those endings that really hits you when you read it.

[Rachel]

I had no idea it did that.

Thanks!

[Rachel]

Finally, I have Metaphor part two for y'all. And not only that, but another new one as well! Man, if I keep crankin' 'em out tlike this, I could take over the world! Anyways, in Metaphor part two, an underline shows where a word was changed. Here it is.

Love hits you
a ton of bricks
that take your breath away
my heart breaks in the distance
echoing across these miles
away from each other
I am more
than just me
I am a wave
that you throw yourself before
hoping I will drown you
calling love from the sky
to bring you down
you lie in pieces
from our love breaking you

Yay! And now for another one...

A Thousand Times

Watch your step, boy
because you might fall
can't do it right
don't do it at all
because you might lose it

//If you fall
harder than before
you don't have to worry,
I will catch you
until the day I die//

You were broken
by the way she left you
oh she was beautiful
you thought she loved you too
but she's not the best you'll ever have

//If you hurt
more than before
you don't have to worry,
I will heal you
until the day I die//

bridge1: If you need
more than before
you don't have to worry,
I will love you until the day I die

bridge2:I will catch you
and I will heal you
you know I will love you
I will catch you
and I will heal you
you know I will love you
until the day I die a thousand times

[Photosoph]

I love doing that with poems -changing words around so it changes the poem while oddly still keeping it the same somehow. ^_^ Very cool!

Your second poem/song is really cool; the words are really good and I love the bridges, especially the second one; I can image they'd go really well with 'swelling's (can't think of a better word -__-" ) in the melody or the music in general.

Btw, I just noticed two small spelling mistakes: 'hoping I will dron you' in the first poem and 'by the was she left you' in the second. But I know what you meant. ...It's easy to miss out or replace a letter whilst typing, eh?

[Rachel]

It sure is, lol. I guess I'll go change those.

Thank you for reading my stuff. I'm really glad someone can get something out of them.

[Photosoph]

No problem. ^_^ I don't often read poetry at home, but I'm finding I enjoy the poems I find on CAA a lot better. It's also kinda cool to imagine some sort of music to go along with your poems as I read them.

[Rachel]

It's also kinda cool to imagine some sort of music to go along with your poems as I read them.

I do the same thing, lol. I get this beat in my head, but most of the time I have troubel getting it from my head to my fingers.

Well, this poem to me seems a wee bit depressing, but maybe y'all will like it.

She dances circles
around her pain
burning like brilliant flame
consuming all it sees
she does nothing but bleed for you
and you only make her cry
so many times you've broken her
so many times that she's died
leave so many beautiful scars
but you can't keep her down
like a phoenix she's rising
beautiful scars she's overcome
and she'll burn forever over you

[Photosoph]

It's a little depressing, but not too heavily depressing as I read it. It's actually very beautiful -like your other poems, it's got a really cool central idea; the metaphor of her burning like a phoenix. I really like those last four lines.

[Rachel]

I don't know why, but it still surprises me everytime people say that my poems are really good. It's sort of weird, but I really don't like writing all that much. *collective intake of breath from everyone* Blasphemy!

[Photosoph]

Heh heh.
Perhaps sometimes it's hard for the writer to appreciate their own work, since they can't really see it as the reader does.

[Rachel]

A new one, yay!

Throwing words back and forth
over and over and over regrets
that keep repeating in your head
fumbling beautiful barre chords

//so sad, so wrong
you know you love when it crashes
oh sweet, oh sweet
rock and roll can't save your soul//

Can't delay it any longer
so there's no use in trying
pack your bags and run
it's time that you lived

//so sad, so wrong
you know you love when it crashes
oh sweet, oh sweet
rock and roll can't save your soul//

Go on and don't look back
it'll only make you worry
and if you hurt and start to fall
Oh beautiful, he will catch you

//so sad, so wrong
you know you love when it crashes
oh sweet, oh sweet
rock and roll can't save your soul//

//so beautiful, so right
you love how he catches you
oh sweet, oh sweet
his love has saved your soul//

[Photosoph]

Very cool; it has a really strong beat in the chorus, which I really like, and can imagine going with rock and roll music very well. One thing, though: with the last line of the first verse, you've put 'beautiful barre chords'; do you mean 'beautiful bare chords?'

*Sigh.* I wish I could hear these words to the song you've probably got them going with in your head. ^_^ But I guess I can imagine my own music, which although not the same, is fun nonetheless.

[Rachel]

[quote="Photosoph"] One thing, though: with the last line of the first verse, you've put 'beautiful barre chords']
Ahh yes. I couldn't remember if there was supposed to be one r or two.

It may be a while before I have a new on eup. I've gotta fet a job, so depending on when I get one, It may be a while before I'm online again.

[Photosoph]

That's okay; don't worry too much about writing for me. Poetry should be whenever you're in the mood to do it, or have the time. ^_^ That's when they usually turn out the best.

[Rachel]

Lol, that's what I do, write when I'm in the mood. I don't write too much for other people, but if there's someone who I know likes reading it, I tend to worry, although I have no idea why they would want to read something so stupid. Anyways...it's time for that part of the show that I like to call "Freestyle!" Yes, that's right, I'm getting in touch with my ghetto roots (which really need to be touched up, by the way), and you all get to be witnesses! Here goes:

Word, my name is Rachel
I'd eat a cow if I was able
for now I'll eat the dinner table
because it's might tasty
and I'm rather zany
the Vice Prez is **** Cheney
so throw your hands up in the air
and I'll pull down your underwear
and wave it around in the
air it out
word fools

*bows gracefully* Thank you...please, hold the applause...no really, you're too kind.

[Photosoph]

*Holds the applause, but not the mao*

That's so cool! I love funny raps and poems, and that falls under both.
Me, I'm about the furtherest thing from a ghetto rapper possible. *Shakes head.* I wonder what I'd look like if I replaced 'Rachel' in the rap to my own name, put on some gear, and tried to rap. ...I'd probably be comparable to a granny rapper.

[Rachel]

Lol, I'm not so great at rapping either. My friends all say I'm "the whitest black girl in the world." But I know they love me. Haha.

Hopefully I'll get a job soon and can be online more.

[Photosoph]

That would be cool.
Yeah, I don't rap myself... mostly because I like listening to it more than making it. Maybe I should give it a go sometime, though. ^_^