I've been updating my story a bit, so here's v1.2
Any comments welcome!
chapter 1: Excitable Mayhem
Deep in the void of space, the starship PAC-74 flashed its lights on and off several times in a bored sort of random manner. Space Ranger Mechanic Billy Crunch stared out of his decidedly round window to gaze at the flashes of color he created when he flicked the exterior lights of the PAC-74 on and off again with the light switches in the computer room. For no apparent reason, Billy also began to pound his head against the ship’s shiny wall while trying to think of some activity that would quench his boredom.
Billy was not a usual looking Space Ranger. His five-foot-four height when contrasted with his black hair and unusually muscular arms made him stand out in the crew of taller, geekish Rangers he was with. In fact, if it wasn’t for his unusual brilliance with fixing machines, especially space ranger machines, he might have been destined to do such a horrible thing as work. However, when the Space Ranger Recruiting Center operatives saw him fix a starship in twelve seconds flat, he was invited to become a Ranger himself.
At this moment, Billy Crunch was thinking that his choice might not have been such a good idea. For the last two days, the PAC-74 had been stuck in the middle of nowhere, having run out of fuel because of Captain Deek’s calculated decision that riding as long as possible when the meter was on the E preserved fuel. This calculation had been flawed, because the Captain was not aware that the fuel in the ship before filling up could still be used after filling up. Because of this, the PAC-74 was waiting until the nearest Space Ranger tanker could arrive at their location.
“Why must Space Rangers seem to always be so bored?â€
Billy Crunch and the Mysterious Darkish Void
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
hmmmm well i think one thing...just to make it easier for the reader is to space out your paragraphs ^^
second of all i do think the story is humerous ^^ so far I think the character development is good and diction is definetly flowing...so i'll keep reading ^^ please keep writing
second of all i do think the story is humerous ^^ so far I think the character development is good and diction is definetly flowing...so i'll keep reading ^^ please keep writing
"If not now then when? If not me then who?-anonymous
and of course now i must instill the Dancing BANANA'S!
WHY AM I CRYING IN FRENCH-Vash the Stampede
ORORORORORO!-Himura Kenshin
"It is not weak to value human life!"-Raiden, Mortal Combat II
98% of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature.
*ADOPTED BY* ..yea i know scary I got a adopted ~_^
Nami
and of course now i must instill the Dancing BANANA'S!
WHY AM I CRYING IN FRENCH-Vash the Stampede
ORORORORORO!-Himura Kenshin
"It is not weak to value human life!"-Raiden, Mortal Combat II
98% of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature.
*ADOPTED BY* ..yea i know scary I got a adopted ~_^
Nami
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girlninja - Posts: 388
- Joined: Sat Dec 25, 2004 3:03 pm
- Location: On the rooftops *ninja poofing*
thx. Anyway, I'll post my other pre-written chapter for public critique, so i can go back to writing the rest.
Chapter 2: The Mysterious Blue Wormhole
Awakened out of his deep sleep by loud noises and violent rattling, Billy opened his eyes to see his pod whack into a black chunk of rock in front of the opening. Feeling the rush as his miniscule spaceship was beaten to a respectable pulp, Billy Crunch closed his eyes and let his mouth blubber merrily from the g-forces. Unfortunately, Billy did not have the stomach of a true space ranger, and so was beginning to feel queasy. To his amazement, the speaker in his pod produced laughter and cheers as evidence of the other rangers’ enjoyment of attempting to rush into the tiny speck in front of them before the big black rocks did. The tiny speck was the valuable Wormhole entrance, which a Black Hole would guard with its life, attempting to crush objects before they reached the entrance. However, the advanced piloting skills of space rangers became evident as the pods deftly weaved around the black rocks.
Billy spotted his opportunity to enter the wormhole and nimbly twisted his pod between two large asteroids and into the tiny black dot. Instantly, the bumping and jerking stopped as he was propelled through the smooth, shiny blue vortex. Once again, Billy began to close his eyes to try and get some sleep.
Suddenly, he felt himself stop moving. As if giving its death cry, his pod decided to randomly eject its passenger into the space around itself, throwing Billy into the fluid nothingness. Looking frantically around, Billy determined that he was in high orbit around a rather unusual planet. Even more unusual, Billy found himself breathing air this far out above the planet, even without his helmet on.
The planet below was an ordinary tan color, but assorted locations around the planet were colored a brilliant shiny gray. Encircling the ranger and the planet was a circular canopy of bright blue and white electricity, spiraling toward two vortexes on either end of the polar axis of the planet. However, before Billy could remark on the pretty blue lighting, he spotted something more critical to his survival. Below him, but not very far away, sat his ship, the PAC-74. Swarming around the ship were what seemed like several small black space fighters, all attempting to land on its lonely abandoned hull.
“It seems to me as if they are all attempting to commandeer that starship that I was assigned to! That is not legal! I must go forth and attempt to aid my ship by fighting off these other ships,â€
Chapter 2: The Mysterious Blue Wormhole
Awakened out of his deep sleep by loud noises and violent rattling, Billy opened his eyes to see his pod whack into a black chunk of rock in front of the opening. Feeling the rush as his miniscule spaceship was beaten to a respectable pulp, Billy Crunch closed his eyes and let his mouth blubber merrily from the g-forces. Unfortunately, Billy did not have the stomach of a true space ranger, and so was beginning to feel queasy. To his amazement, the speaker in his pod produced laughter and cheers as evidence of the other rangers’ enjoyment of attempting to rush into the tiny speck in front of them before the big black rocks did. The tiny speck was the valuable Wormhole entrance, which a Black Hole would guard with its life, attempting to crush objects before they reached the entrance. However, the advanced piloting skills of space rangers became evident as the pods deftly weaved around the black rocks.
Billy spotted his opportunity to enter the wormhole and nimbly twisted his pod between two large asteroids and into the tiny black dot. Instantly, the bumping and jerking stopped as he was propelled through the smooth, shiny blue vortex. Once again, Billy began to close his eyes to try and get some sleep.
Suddenly, he felt himself stop moving. As if giving its death cry, his pod decided to randomly eject its passenger into the space around itself, throwing Billy into the fluid nothingness. Looking frantically around, Billy determined that he was in high orbit around a rather unusual planet. Even more unusual, Billy found himself breathing air this far out above the planet, even without his helmet on.
The planet below was an ordinary tan color, but assorted locations around the planet were colored a brilliant shiny gray. Encircling the ranger and the planet was a circular canopy of bright blue and white electricity, spiraling toward two vortexes on either end of the polar axis of the planet. However, before Billy could remark on the pretty blue lighting, he spotted something more critical to his survival. Below him, but not very far away, sat his ship, the PAC-74. Swarming around the ship were what seemed like several small black space fighters, all attempting to land on its lonely abandoned hull.
“It seems to me as if they are all attempting to commandeer that starship that I was assigned to! That is not legal! I must go forth and attempt to aid my ship by fighting off these other ships,â€
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
Continued:
As the band of pods neared the planet’s surface, Billy Crunch saw that the planet was mostly sand and dirt, except for great jumbles of wreckage strewn gleefully across the otherwise barren landscape. Far below them, tiny silver beings rushed to and fro across the dirt, looking particularly like tiny ants who have accidentally been caught in the path of a silver squirt from a misaimed spray paint can. At closer inspection with a pair of Captain Deek’s binoculars, Billy noticed that the creatures were rather boxy, with blinking red lights arranged in a grid-like pattern on their face, and four black robotic appendages on their otherwise silver shells. The creatures also seemed to have two large light-bulb-like things on their heads, which glowed every so often, although more so when they seemed deep in thought.
“It seems that there is life on the planet,â€
As the band of pods neared the planet’s surface, Billy Crunch saw that the planet was mostly sand and dirt, except for great jumbles of wreckage strewn gleefully across the otherwise barren landscape. Far below them, tiny silver beings rushed to and fro across the dirt, looking particularly like tiny ants who have accidentally been caught in the path of a silver squirt from a misaimed spray paint can. At closer inspection with a pair of Captain Deek’s binoculars, Billy noticed that the creatures were rather boxy, with blinking red lights arranged in a grid-like pattern on their face, and four black robotic appendages on their otherwise silver shells. The creatures also seemed to have two large light-bulb-like things on their heads, which glowed every so often, although more so when they seemed deep in thought.
“It seems that there is life on the planet,â€
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
Chapter 3: Alien Robots
At that moment, two pairs of bright white eyes peered out of the darkness at the rangers. Forgetting his manners and instead opting for hysteria and fright, Tubby Icard leapt into the air three times, spun around in a circle, and finally fainted. Ranger Zeoks, being more sociable, answered them.
“We are Space Rangers, who have come seeking adventure, and also the portion of our hull which was unpleasantly taken from us! Do you know of it?â€
At that moment, two pairs of bright white eyes peered out of the darkness at the rangers. Forgetting his manners and instead opting for hysteria and fright, Tubby Icard leapt into the air three times, spun around in a circle, and finally fainted. Ranger Zeoks, being more sociable, answered them.
“We are Space Rangers, who have come seeking adventure, and also the portion of our hull which was unpleasantly taken from us! Do you know of it?â€
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
hehehe, I've read the first two chapters so far, and I must say it's pretty funny. The pacing does feel a little rough in places, kind of like it's a first draft (and it probably is). But I like the over lightness and unpredictablilty the story has without being completely stupid and plotless. The reader is able to relate to Crunch, strange as his life may be. Comedy is tough, very tough to write, but you've got a pretty good feel for it. Keep practicing. I hope I'll have time to read more another day.
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Esoteric - Posts: 1603
- Joined: Sun Aug 22, 2004 1:12 pm
- Location: The Lost Room.
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
Umm, tough to say. I re-read the first part, looking for an example but I couldn't find one. Perhaps it's not so much rough pacing, but quick pacing right from the start that made it seem a little rough. The story feels like it's in a hurry until chapter 3. I might suggest adding a little more action between when the pods depart for the 'surfing' planet and when the arrive. I might also suggest a bit more of a segway between Billy landing and building the surfboard. it seemed very sudden.
I just read chapter three. I liked it, but it's notably less comedic. Now that's understandable considering it's a history of the Snafflys problems, but you might try and find more funny things to add, either in dialog or action, just to lessen the seriousness. The Micro-Billy scene was good, although I felt Billy's attitude was too serious. (I mean, he starts out banging his head in boredom!)
I just read chapter three. I liked it, but it's notably less comedic. Now that's understandable considering it's a history of the Snafflys problems, but you might try and find more funny things to add, either in dialog or action, just to lessen the seriousness. The Micro-Billy scene was good, although I felt Billy's attitude was too serious. (I mean, he starts out banging his head in boredom!)
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Esoteric - Posts: 1603
- Joined: Sun Aug 22, 2004 1:12 pm
- Location: The Lost Room.
Your input was helpful. I've begun to revise my story, and will edit my posts when i feel it's good enough to show. Meanwhile, here is the first 2/3 of
chapter 4: The Quick Ship and Attempted Rescue
Once again, the rangers stood in the large Monochronoberry cavern and gazed thoughtfully at the small furry creatures trying to patch up their roof with a complex organic construction of intertwined roots. Being very knowledgeable about organic protection, the Snafflys had melded the roots with metal from the rather large piece of ship’s hull that the space rangers had lent to them, creating an almost impenetrable ceiling.
“As Ranger Zeoks has said,â€
chapter 4: The Quick Ship and Attempted Rescue
Once again, the rangers stood in the large Monochronoberry cavern and gazed thoughtfully at the small furry creatures trying to patch up their roof with a complex organic construction of intertwined roots. Being very knowledgeable about organic protection, the Snafflys had melded the roots with metal from the rather large piece of ship’s hull that the space rangers had lent to them, creating an almost impenetrable ceiling.
“As Ranger Zeoks has said,â€
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
I've updated chapter 1 with a little bit of spacing between the events stated. I still think i need a bit more, but at least it's a little less caffeine-laced.
Also, added titles to the chapters, just for fun.
---------------------Chap 4 continued:
“Quick!â€
Also, added titles to the chapters, just for fun.
---------------------Chap 4 continued:
“Quick!â€
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
Wow... it's been a long time since i last added a chapter. Sorry bout that, but i've been gone on mission trip, vacation, etc for most of july, so i didn't really have any time to work on it. Thus said, here is the next chapter. Although i've switched a little bit into a mysterious plot line, i tried to keep the humor in that's at the root of this story. any and all comments appreciated.
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Chapter 5: Joviality Enslaved
Dazedly getting up, Joe Eanac blinked in the direction of the ship, moaned, and then promptly helped Zeoks up. Ranger Zeoks, however was in far worse condition. Convulsing haphazardly, Zeoks stumbled across the room, ignoring everyone and muttering about the evils of video surveillance, especially on world-dominating robots. Finding a small alcove that was out of the way, Zeoks obsessively began typing into a portable keypad.
“What are you doing?â€
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Chapter 5: Joviality Enslaved
Dazedly getting up, Joe Eanac blinked in the direction of the ship, moaned, and then promptly helped Zeoks up. Ranger Zeoks, however was in far worse condition. Convulsing haphazardly, Zeoks stumbled across the room, ignoring everyone and muttering about the evils of video surveillance, especially on world-dominating robots. Finding a small alcove that was out of the way, Zeoks obsessively began typing into a portable keypad.
“What are you doing?â€
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
Continued:
Joe slowly tried to back up against one of the statues. For the last ten minutes he had been trying to appease the two creatures in front of him with various items that were on his person. At the moment, the two twins of Microbilly were warbling back and forth while trying to figure out how to use a pair of sunglasses Joe had offered them. Having no hands, one of the creatures had used its small mouth to flip the pair of sunglasses over the top of its head, as a type of hat.
Joe took as step back as he put his thumbs up and smiled in a gesture of affirmation. Reaching into his shirt pocket, Joe grabbed a pad of paper and a pen. He proceeded to demonstrate how to draw, before tossing the items to the other robotic creature. This attempt at appeasement was less appreciated. In a whir of frustration after trying the method, the robot promptly tore the pad of paper into a nice pile of shavings. After it was finished, the creature noticed how pointy the pen was and proceeded to stab it at the sunglasses on his twin, shattering a lens and angering the wearer. Joe used the diversion to take a few more quick steps back.
However, the two robots caught the movement and quickly rushed to Joe. The one with the pen gave a jab with it to Joe’s stomach. He winced, and raised his hands to try and calm them, then glanced over at Zeoks’ Microbilly friend, who appeared to be circling the others lazily, listening to the show, not committing to one side or the other. Fuming inside, Joe threw his captors a pocket calculator and sat down against the wall, only venturing a tiny distance toward the statue as he did.
---
“How many dark holes do we have to go into to find our ship?â€
Joe slowly tried to back up against one of the statues. For the last ten minutes he had been trying to appease the two creatures in front of him with various items that were on his person. At the moment, the two twins of Microbilly were warbling back and forth while trying to figure out how to use a pair of sunglasses Joe had offered them. Having no hands, one of the creatures had used its small mouth to flip the pair of sunglasses over the top of its head, as a type of hat.
Joe took as step back as he put his thumbs up and smiled in a gesture of affirmation. Reaching into his shirt pocket, Joe grabbed a pad of paper and a pen. He proceeded to demonstrate how to draw, before tossing the items to the other robotic creature. This attempt at appeasement was less appreciated. In a whir of frustration after trying the method, the robot promptly tore the pad of paper into a nice pile of shavings. After it was finished, the creature noticed how pointy the pen was and proceeded to stab it at the sunglasses on his twin, shattering a lens and angering the wearer. Joe used the diversion to take a few more quick steps back.
However, the two robots caught the movement and quickly rushed to Joe. The one with the pen gave a jab with it to Joe’s stomach. He winced, and raised his hands to try and calm them, then glanced over at Zeoks’ Microbilly friend, who appeared to be circling the others lazily, listening to the show, not committing to one side or the other. Fuming inside, Joe threw his captors a pocket calculator and sat down against the wall, only venturing a tiny distance toward the statue as he did.
---
“How many dark holes do we have to go into to find our ship?â€
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
They aren't supposed to be...maybe i should be a bit more descriptive.
If you really want to know, the're
[spoiler]
the crew of Mothercomputer's ship, held hostage there by Sbefy....
[/spoiler]
The spoiler above is in the next chapter, but it gives away a lot of plotline, so read it if you want to.
If you really want to know, the're
[spoiler]
the crew of Mothercomputer's ship, held hostage there by Sbefy....
[/spoiler]
The spoiler above is in the next chapter, but it gives away a lot of plotline, so read it if you want to.
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
I've gotten through the first two chapters so far and I love it! Very Douglas Adams-ish humor, which is the best kind as far as I'm concerned. I like the captain character in particular. Anyway, I'm glad you've got more posted, I'm looking forward to reading it when I have some more time.
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Negotiatrix - Posts: 59
- Joined: Mon Aug 04, 2003 8:20 pm
- Location: Sunny Florida!
yay! Another fan! I'm currently re-writing the next chapter, as it came off a bit too dull (even with explosions in the midst of conversation). i'll post it when i'm done.
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
Here's chapter 6. I've been re-doing this chapter a lot (as a hint, the spoiler from chapter 6 may be moved to a chap 7 spoiler hehehe) and i am open for advice as to how best present this chapter. I still think it's too choppy, but there are three storylines going at once, and it get a little messy. Any and all advice is welcome, and greatly desired. anywho:
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Chapter 6: A Chaotic Planet
Jubilantly popping open the bonds, Billy quickly freed the elderly Snaffly, and waited. The furry creature continued to wheeze his contented snore, oblivious to his rescue. Billy tried to shake the Snaffly awake. It kept snoring.
Zeoks, less patient then Billy, produced an instant ice-water tablet and broke it above the Snaffly’s face. This time the snoring stopped. A yodel erupted from the unfortunate victim, and he sat up with a start, glaring at the two rangers above his round spectacles.
“What are you minions of Mothercomputer need me for now? Another one of your programs too difficult for a machine to write, hmm? You would think a guy could get a decent night’s sleep in someplace as dark as this!â€
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Chapter 6: A Chaotic Planet
Jubilantly popping open the bonds, Billy quickly freed the elderly Snaffly, and waited. The furry creature continued to wheeze his contented snore, oblivious to his rescue. Billy tried to shake the Snaffly awake. It kept snoring.
Zeoks, less patient then Billy, produced an instant ice-water tablet and broke it above the Snaffly’s face. This time the snoring stopped. A yodel erupted from the unfortunate victim, and he sat up with a start, glaring at the two rangers above his round spectacles.
“What are you minions of Mothercomputer need me for now? Another one of your programs too difficult for a machine to write, hmm? You would think a guy could get a decent night’s sleep in someplace as dark as this!â€
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
continued:
-----------------------
Meanwhile, Captain Deek and the rest of the crew of the PAC-74 relaxed in the Snaffly cavern, lying in hammocks made from vines and sipping Monochronoberry smoothies while they watched the Snafflys farm and mend the roof.
“I do wonder why those three heroic rangers have taken such an extraordinary length of time to do as simple a thing as follow the trail to Motherboard and retrieve our ship,â€
-----------------------
Meanwhile, Captain Deek and the rest of the crew of the PAC-74 relaxed in the Snaffly cavern, lying in hammocks made from vines and sipping Monochronoberry smoothies while they watched the Snafflys farm and mend the roof.
“I do wonder why those three heroic rangers have taken such an extraordinary length of time to do as simple a thing as follow the trail to Motherboard and retrieve our ship,â€
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
Also, as a sidenote, i think a new update to the book is coming soon! (spelling / gramar fixes, and the fact that a blind microbilly could watch something...)
yeah, I was wondering about that....I surmised he was using sonar or something...hehehe. Very good. I was reading pretty fast so I only noted one grammar item....
[quote]“What need do have?â€
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Esoteric - Posts: 1603
- Joined: Sun Aug 22, 2004 1:12 pm
- Location: The Lost Room.
Update 1.2 is up!
My brother is a crazy editor - he can like type 80-90 words per minute and is awesome at grammar - he just whipped through my story once and found about twenty things a page to edit. So those are what i've updated.
BTW, Chapter 7 is coming along better then i expected (i love how it is turning out), and i'll probably post it soon. The title for it is "Almost Everyone Gets Vaporized". As may be expected, it may contain a little mild violence (as in zapped and crumple to the floor dum dum dum!)
Poll: Should i attach the whole story as a PDF on page I and keep it updated there, or should I continue to post it a chapter at a time? I was just thinking about how long it is getting...
My brother is a crazy editor - he can like type 80-90 words per minute and is awesome at grammar - he just whipped through my story once and found about twenty things a page to edit. So those are what i've updated.
BTW, Chapter 7 is coming along better then i expected (i love how it is turning out), and i'll probably post it soon. The title for it is "Almost Everyone Gets Vaporized". As may be expected, it may contain a little mild violence (as in zapped and crumple to the floor dum dum dum!)
Poll: Should i attach the whole story as a PDF on page I and keep it updated there, or should I continue to post it a chapter at a time? I was just thinking about how long it is getting...
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
Here's Chap 7!!!!
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Chapter 7: Almost Everyone Gets Vaporized
With a jerk, an anti-grav beam caught Joe in midair and gently lowered him to the ground. The air vent had become a large passageway, and ahead was light. Slinking along the wall in his best impression of a secret agent, Joe dropped out of the largish vent and landed in the lit room. Unfortunately, Joe was not a secret agent. When he awoke from unconsciousness with a severe headache twelve minutes later, Joe found himself on the floor of a large hanger, with the vent a few meters above him. With a gasp, Joe looked around in amazement.
The room was a jumbled mess of machinery and robots. In one corner, mechanical behemoths - probably some of Mothercomputer’s first creations, Joe supposed - were welding robots in a bored stupor. On the other side, gigantic machinery dropped random robot parts in a pile about every seven seconds or so.
However, what made Joe most astounded were the two objects in the center of the room - his own PAC-74 and another Space Ranger Ship sat side by side in the hanger! The other ship was an older model, with a shiny retro nameplate reading “EYBEM .84â€
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Chapter 7: Almost Everyone Gets Vaporized
With a jerk, an anti-grav beam caught Joe in midair and gently lowered him to the ground. The air vent had become a large passageway, and ahead was light. Slinking along the wall in his best impression of a secret agent, Joe dropped out of the largish vent and landed in the lit room. Unfortunately, Joe was not a secret agent. When he awoke from unconsciousness with a severe headache twelve minutes later, Joe found himself on the floor of a large hanger, with the vent a few meters above him. With a gasp, Joe looked around in amazement.
The room was a jumbled mess of machinery and robots. In one corner, mechanical behemoths - probably some of Mothercomputer’s first creations, Joe supposed - were welding robots in a bored stupor. On the other side, gigantic machinery dropped random robot parts in a pile about every seven seconds or so.
However, what made Joe most astounded were the two objects in the center of the room - his own PAC-74 and another Space Ranger Ship sat side by side in the hanger! The other ship was an older model, with a shiny retro nameplate reading “EYBEM .84â€
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
Continued:
---
Oddly enough, Captain Deek was entertaining thoughts of video game hero-dom as well at that exact moment in time. The crew and him were in a large but extraordinarily secluded vine hut, having resorted to such evil work as digging an escape tunnel to evade the Snafflys. The only one not digging was Tubby, who had the job of lookout and redirecting any Snafflys expressing puzzlement at the odd sounds emanating from the hut.
“Perhaps this evil work would make an amazingly frightening action-adventure game for bored space rangers,â€
---
Oddly enough, Captain Deek was entertaining thoughts of video game hero-dom as well at that exact moment in time. The crew and him were in a large but extraordinarily secluded vine hut, having resorted to such evil work as digging an escape tunnel to evade the Snafflys. The only one not digging was Tubby, who had the job of lookout and redirecting any Snafflys expressing puzzlement at the odd sounds emanating from the hut.
“Perhaps this evil work would make an amazingly frightening action-adventure game for bored space rangers,â€
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
W00t! i got chapter 8 done (finally.) 1 and 1/2 chapters to go! unortunately, endings are the hardest partof a story to write, so all suggestions are appreciated! Here it is:
Chapter 8: The Disturbingly Slow Ship and Attempted Escape
The first clone to reach Microbilly never had a chance. With one swing the pike connected with the fiend, splattering through the creature and reforming on the other side. As two more came from behind, the heroic friend of Zeoks whipped out his pike and swung it to block. A thin band of particles stayed behind in the first attacker, unable to morph back in time. Again the pike exploded and reformed as it hit, splitting the other two in half.
With a greater sense of aggression, the remaining four swooped in from all different sides. However, the pike moved faster then they did. The room quickly erupted in green materia as the pike splattered through each in turn. Seeing his mission completed, Microbilly rushed over to his other half by the statue and began to mend himself with the spontaneously mutating green substance, happily whirring as he did so. Finally, satisfied with its work, the organic robot rushed to find his master.
---
Joe groaned as he sat up from the hard floor. Looking around, Joe saw that he was in a tiny room, presumably with a lock on the door. His mental ability returning, Joe determined that this was one of the many closets on the PAC-74. As soon as his thought returned fully, Joe realized that he knew all the override codes for his ship. However, this led to a different dilemma: why would the Snafflys lock him in a place where he could easily escape?
The answer presented itself in the eight happily multicolored nails sticking through the door, evidence of a rather large board being kept in place on the other side. Thinking quickly, Joe scoured the small room for any item that could be useful. On the ceiling, part of a metal beam hung loosely from the wall, proof of the extensive redecoration that the Snafflys had done to the ship. Bending it back and forth, Joe broke it off at about a foot long.
Quickly, he began to whack the eight neon-colored nails out. As soon as the first nail dropped on the floor in the other side, Joe stopped to listen. Nothing. Quickly, Joe got to work on the second nail. With a resounding thud, the board on the other side fell off. Obviously the walls weren’t very good for nailing things into them.
With a stealthy kick, Joe opened the door and looked around the hallway. It was dark, but there was enough light to see where he was going. Finding his way back to the main room, Joe found it deserted, but with the Snafflys’ surveillance monitors still there. Grabbing another shake from a well-stocked shelf, Joe went to the piloting room and started up the ship.
“I’m going to find out once and for all why the Snafflys were so unkind as to lock me in a closet. PAC-74, take me to the surface.â€
Chapter 8: The Disturbingly Slow Ship and Attempted Escape
The first clone to reach Microbilly never had a chance. With one swing the pike connected with the fiend, splattering through the creature and reforming on the other side. As two more came from behind, the heroic friend of Zeoks whipped out his pike and swung it to block. A thin band of particles stayed behind in the first attacker, unable to morph back in time. Again the pike exploded and reformed as it hit, splitting the other two in half.
With a greater sense of aggression, the remaining four swooped in from all different sides. However, the pike moved faster then they did. The room quickly erupted in green materia as the pike splattered through each in turn. Seeing his mission completed, Microbilly rushed over to his other half by the statue and began to mend himself with the spontaneously mutating green substance, happily whirring as he did so. Finally, satisfied with its work, the organic robot rushed to find his master.
---
Joe groaned as he sat up from the hard floor. Looking around, Joe saw that he was in a tiny room, presumably with a lock on the door. His mental ability returning, Joe determined that this was one of the many closets on the PAC-74. As soon as his thought returned fully, Joe realized that he knew all the override codes for his ship. However, this led to a different dilemma: why would the Snafflys lock him in a place where he could easily escape?
The answer presented itself in the eight happily multicolored nails sticking through the door, evidence of a rather large board being kept in place on the other side. Thinking quickly, Joe scoured the small room for any item that could be useful. On the ceiling, part of a metal beam hung loosely from the wall, proof of the extensive redecoration that the Snafflys had done to the ship. Bending it back and forth, Joe broke it off at about a foot long.
Quickly, he began to whack the eight neon-colored nails out. As soon as the first nail dropped on the floor in the other side, Joe stopped to listen. Nothing. Quickly, Joe got to work on the second nail. With a resounding thud, the board on the other side fell off. Obviously the walls weren’t very good for nailing things into them.
With a stealthy kick, Joe opened the door and looked around the hallway. It was dark, but there was enough light to see where he was going. Finding his way back to the main room, Joe found it deserted, but with the Snafflys’ surveillance monitors still there. Grabbing another shake from a well-stocked shelf, Joe went to the piloting room and started up the ship.
“I’m going to find out once and for all why the Snafflys were so unkind as to lock me in a closet. PAC-74, take me to the surface.â€
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
Continued:
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Joe sat in his ship, staring at the unending tunnel ahead. He had been watching the ship driving along for the last half hour, and now was feeling rather bored by himself. Suddenly, the ship slammed to a stop. The passageway was covered ahead with hundreds of vines and roots.
“This place must be under one of the Snafflys esteemed Monochronoberry gardens,â€
---
Joe sat in his ship, staring at the unending tunnel ahead. He had been watching the ship driving along for the last half hour, and now was feeling rather bored by himself. Suddenly, the ship slammed to a stop. The passageway was covered ahead with hundreds of vines and roots.
“This place must be under one of the Snafflys esteemed Monochronoberry gardens,â€
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
Hey.. I like your stuff. You have a similiar style to what I write, though mine's different. I only read the first four chapters, but I'll read the rest and try to be a loyal fan.
The reflections of light are everywhere
Only a gilded age of forgetfulness
A drunken slumber, goodnight but no kiss.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and to be loved in return."-Christian and later Toulouse, Moulin Rouge
Only a gilded age of forgetfulness
A drunken slumber, goodnight but no kiss.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and to be loved in return."-Christian and later Toulouse, Moulin Rouge
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Dunedan - Posts: 128
- Joined: Fri Sep 02, 2005 9:44 pm
- Location: In a tunnel of hoboes...
that's cool! (Yay, another fan, although be prepared for some pseudo-random style changes near the end.)
Could you post/have you posted somthing you've written in the writing section? id love to read it!
Could you post/have you posted somthing you've written in the writing section? id love to read it!
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TurkishMonky - Posts: 808
- Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:07 am
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