Practicing description!

[ShiroiHikari]

I've been trying to practice describing things lately...a friend of mine gave me some pointers yesterday so I decided to give it a shot. Been working on this al day long ^_^;

These are my characters. A few people here might know who they are, but if not, ask me and I can explain.

Anyway, here we go.

.o1

One young man sat at a lonely table in the corner. The window beside him looked out on an avenue that was busy during daylight hours, but was sleepy after the sun went down. The scene was illuminated by the constant droning of orange-red energy-efficient bulbs, punctuated by the steady cycle of green, red, and yellow. And, of course, the occasional yellow-white glare streaking by, which was once hastily pursued by a rapid red-and-blue flash.

At the same time, the boy could see himself-- along with the textbooks, pens, and papers spread out before him --mirrored faintly in the glass. He gazed past that reflection with narrow eyes that were icy, like a cloudless sky on a January morning. Wrapped around one of his slender fingers was a piece of his charcoal-colored hair, contrasted by his ivory skin.

He drained the rest of his drink, gave a sigh and gathered his things into his messenger bag. He stood to his full height of exactly five and a half feet, slung his bag over his shoulder and nonchalantly tossed a wrinkled five-dollar bill on the table. He reached into the pocket of his faded jeans, pulling out the keys to his glossy, sleek Honda Civic, affectionately dubbed "Onyx" for its color.

He approached a girl with hay-colored hair, wearing plain pants and an apron tied low around her waist. The ensemble was completed by a collared shirt with a pinned-on piece of rectangular plastic that read "AMBER". As he passed, he winked and gave her a lopsided smile.

"Keep the change."

_________

More in the next post!

[ShiroiHikari]

He was sitting at the usual spot with his small group of friends, and while they chattered happily, he kept silent and stared into the distance.

His mind was somewhere else, with someone whose blue eyes twinkled and shined like some faraway star against the midnight sky, whose smile was like an afternoon in spring. Her medium-length hair was colored like strawberry frosting and her skin like vanilla. He had never touched her, but he imagined her hair as silk and her skin as satin. He could almost hear the melody of her laughter now...

Then suddenly, she was sitting right beside him. Her very presence sent his pulse racing. And now that she was really here, he began to think that maybe her hair was perhaps more like a rose, and her skin like a lily...

_________

As soon as he stepped out the door, a breeze gently ruffled his feathery-soft platinum hair. His skin was colored like porcelain, was nearly as flawless, and was already beginning to grow flushed under the heat of the afternoon sun.

In one delicate hand, he carried a glass of lemonade, freshly squeezed by someone who loved him as a son. In the other hand, he held a paperback novel. The book showed its age: the spine was ragged and the pages were yellow.

His honey-colored eyes twinkled as he sat down at the iron-and-glass patio table. It was shaded by a striped canvas umbrella, and the tabletop was refreshingly cool to the touch. He gazed out at the expansive lawn, still slightly damp from the last summer shower. He inhaled deeply and smiled when he caught the scent of roses in the air. Somewhere in the near distance, a bird sang a cheerful melody.

Sighing contently, he flipped open his book and was quickly immersed in a familiar tale of wizards and kings, of dark lords and innocent young heroes.

_________

Pleeeease comment~ I need feedback!

[Radical Dreamer]

Wow! That was very good! If descriptive was what you were going for, you nailed it! I could see a very clear picture of what was going on the entire time...A job well done, indeed!! ^_^

[K. Ayato]

Yep, that's a good description job right there, Shi-Hi.

[ShiroiHikari]

Thanks, girls.

Personally, I hate the second one. It just...feels...blah.

[girlninja]

well first of all

Awesome JOb! Good descript ^^

umm teh second one might feel blad because you used the word "was" alot sometimes that can kill imagery ^^ but it was really good ^^

[Kkun]

Nettenette, you did a great job. The descriptions were very vivid without going overboard and your writing gets better and more rad every time I read it.

[ShiroiHikari]

Thanks, kiddo. :3

[true_noir_chloe]

Let me know if this is confusing or you don't agree. I won't mind. However, I hope this might help you out. I was just reading about how sometimes "telling" is better than "showing" when you write.

Your descriptions are done well and they do paint a vivid picture. I prefer your second post to the first post. Your first post was unnecessarily wordy in sections and needed a better sentence structure to pull the reader into the setting.

Let me show you how I might change them slightly:

One young man sat at a lonely table in the corner. [the number "one" is unneccessary] The window beside him looked out on an avenue that was busy during daylight hours, but was [<--you don't need "was" here] sleepy after the sun went down.

pulling out the keys to his [you could get rid of these two words and they'd never be missed -->]glossy, sleek Honda Civic, affectionately dubbed "Onyx" for its color.

This part is very good:

At the same time, the boy could see himself-- along with the textbooks, pens, and papers spread out before him --mirrored faintly in the glass. He gazed past that reflection with narrow eyes that were icy, like a cloudless sky on a January morning. Wrapped around one of his slender fingers was a piece of his charcoal-colored hair, contrasted by his ivory skin.

He approached a girl with hay-colored hair, wearing plain pants and an apron tied low around her waist. [too much description on Amber --.]The ensemble was completed by a collared shirt with a pinned-on piece of [color=red]rectangular plastic that [Try this -->] [/color]; her name tag reading "AMBER".

I might even re-word this, but it still works. I see your main problems in using "was" way too much in both writings; but more so, in the wordiness of the first post.

Your best section was this:

He was sitting at the usual spot with his small group of friends, and while they chattered happily, he kept silent and stared into the distance.

His mind was somewhere else, with someone whose blue eyes twinkled and shined like some faraway star against the midnight sky, whose smile was like an afternoon in spring. Her medium-length hair was colored like strawberry frosting and her skin like vanilla. He had never touched her, but he imagined her hair as silk and her skin as satin. He could almost hear the melody of her laughter now...

Then suddenly, she was sitting right beside him. Her very presence sent his pulse racing. And now that she was really here, he began to think that maybe her hair was perhaps more like a rose, and her skin like a lily...

I say that because you are very "to the point." Your sentences changed from simple passive voice to a very active and direct voice evenly. You stay simple with description ONLY used when needed.

On the other post you over-did the description. You don't have to describe every dot and tittle of what he does and the waitress does. You need to practice being more succinct and to the point, even in literary work - not just in pulp fiction.

After you write for awhile you will see when less is better and when more is the way to go. In a simple diner scene, less is better. Do you know why? Because it is something people do all the time and they really don't need to be walked through the entire activity of eating at a restaurant and paying the bill.

You have to be able to pick and choose when description is needed and when to step back and break it down to a shortened exposition.

It is a constant balancing act of knowing when to show, not tell and then telling when you're just going to get wordy and over-describe an every day scene.

Overall, though, I think you're a very good writer, Annette. I hope my comments might help you out. ^______^