...I wrote this poem when I first was realizing that my roommate and her boyfriend were not who I thought they were....
it isn't the best poem....any suggestions would be great...
What chaos brings forth such great confusion
possessed of innocence lost in wicked intentions
Shaken, not stirred
salt-rimmed glasses reflected in twighlight's repose
nights spent in insomnia's grasp
I waited-
Standing poised at the edge of evolution
aware of time sweeping
truth, realised by syllabic rainfall
Ears soaking up words
the drought finally ended by the opening of floodgates-
You sat near me, perplexed
my savage response to your secret resolution
retribution,
not intended to correct passed transgressions-
candy coated ice-crystals spun by false reasoning
and chance encounters...
melting into pools of mistrust
Remember, telephones ring even when no one is there to answer them.
My angel of mercy calls for those
whose repayment comes too late...
Naivete
4 posts •
Page 1 of 1
i think it's a wonderful poem personally alot of intense feeling, good metaphor, good imagery ^^
as far as criticism maybe putting it into stanza's to help pace the poem a little better. ^^
as far as criticism maybe putting it into stanza's to help pace the poem a little better. ^^
"If not now then when? If not me then who?-anonymous
and of course now i must instill the Dancing BANANA'S!
WHY AM I CRYING IN FRENCH-Vash the Stampede
ORORORORORO!-Himura Kenshin
"It is not weak to value human life!"-Raiden, Mortal Combat II
98% of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature.
*ADOPTED BY* ..yea i know scary I got a adopted ~_^
Nami
and of course now i must instill the Dancing BANANA'S!
WHY AM I CRYING IN FRENCH-Vash the Stampede
ORORORORORO!-Himura Kenshin
"It is not weak to value human life!"-Raiden, Mortal Combat II
98% of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature.
*ADOPTED BY* ..yea i know scary I got a adopted ~_^
Nami
-
girlninja - Posts: 388
- Joined: Sat Dec 25, 2004 3:03 pm
- Location: On the rooftops *ninja poofing*
You do a good job of using colorful descriptive language, like "salt-rimmed glasses" and "candy coated ice-crystals." The poem is enjoyable to read for that reason alone.
My one caution is that you sometimes use phrases that clearly have a specific meaning for you but that don't really inform the reader of what that is, like "my savage response to your secret resolution." Obviously, you know what your response was and what the secret resolution was, but as a reader, I am left slightly puzzled about what exactly took place. This is fine if communicating the exact nature of the situation is not one of your goals for the poem, but you should just be aware that your reader might not understand certain things in the poem quite as well as you do.
My one caution is that you sometimes use phrases that clearly have a specific meaning for you but that don't really inform the reader of what that is, like "my savage response to your secret resolution." Obviously, you know what your response was and what the secret resolution was, but as a reader, I am left slightly puzzled about what exactly took place. This is fine if communicating the exact nature of the situation is not one of your goals for the poem, but you should just be aware that your reader might not understand certain things in the poem quite as well as you do.
Let others believe in the God who brings men to trial and judges them. I shall cling to the God who resurrects the dead.
-St. Nikolai Velimirovich
MAL
-St. Nikolai Velimirovich
MAL
-
Kaori - Posts: 1463
- Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2004 4:48 pm
- Location: 一羽の鳥が弧を描いてゆく
4 posts •
Page 1 of 1
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 146 guests