I haven't posted any writing publicly in quite a long time...so go easy on me. this particular excerpt should stand well enough on its own, but if you have any questions about characters, etc, just ask.
*huff* well, here we go. O_o *hides*
go easy on me, please...
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go easy on me, please...
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fightin' in the eighties
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ShiroiHikari - Posts: 7564
- Joined: Wed May 28, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Somewhere between 1983 and 1989
Aw! That's really cute and very well written! ^^ Poor, Adrian. I've been there, lol.
"So David said to Michal, "It was before the LORD, who chose me instead of your father and all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the LORD, over Israel. Therefore I will play music before the LORD. And I will be even more undignified than this, and will be humble in my own sight. But as for the maidservants of whom you have spoken, by them I will be held in honor."
2 Samuel 6: 21&22
"I am going to take this bucket of water and pour it on the flames of hell, and then I am going to use this torch to burn down the gates of paradise so that people will not love God for want of heaven or fear of hell, but because He is God."
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Bunny - Posts: 429
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- Location: NC
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ShiroiHikari - Posts: 7564
- Joined: Wed May 28, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Somewhere between 1983 and 1989
Well, I already said this to you on IM, but just for good measure...XD
Poor little Adrian...he's so cute...:3 I like this piece. *gives Adrian a box of twinkies*
Poor little Adrian...he's so cute...:3 I like this piece. *gives Adrian a box of twinkies*
BOOSTER: Hey, No.1! Where's my cake?!
SNIFIT 1: Booster, Sir! There's a 70% chance the object you're standing on is a cake.
BOOSTER: What? THIS thing's a cake?
You have the power to say anything you want, so why not say something positive?
- Frank Capra
(in response to an interview question "Do you have a pet peeve having to do with this biz?")
People who write below their abilities in order to crank out tons of books and make a buck. Especially Christian authors who do that. Outsiders judge us for it, and make fun of us for it, and it makes Jesus look bad. We of all artists on earth should be the most concerned with doing our best possible work at all times. We of all people should write with all our hearts, as if writing for the Lord and not for men.
- Athol Dickson
Avatar by scarlethibiscus from LJ.
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inkhana - Posts: 3670
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- Location: meh.
kekeke...thanks girls n_n/)
<.< >.> *steals the Twinkies for herself and runs off with them* nyahahaha
<.< >.> *steals the Twinkies for herself and runs off with them* nyahahaha
fightin' in the eighties
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ShiroiHikari - Posts: 7564
- Joined: Wed May 28, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Somewhere between 1983 and 1989
I printed it out to read at my leisure - its half-time on the Colts/Patriots game XD - and will get back with you on comments. I know it will be a pleasure to read because I've read your writing before and know you write very well. ^_______^
[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE
You see into the deepest part of me ---
beyond the fog I hide behind.
You cast your light upon the shadows
that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.
You ease the pain when I am hurting,
and morbid visions from my past
pierce into the realm of Reason
as though I danced on blades of glass.
You grant me strength when I have fallen
and, once again, I've lost my way.
You take my hand in Yours and lead me
into the promise of a brand new day.
You bring order to all my chaos,
yet set my well-laid plans awry.
You place me on a firm foundation ---
then give me wings so I can fly.
You sand away my roughened edges
and polish all the dullest parts
until I stand before Your presence...
a newly-sculpted work of art.
You see into the heart within me,
right through my motives and selfish will.
And yet, in spite of all You see
You say You love me even still.
~by D.M.~
[/color][/size]
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true_noir_chloe - Posts: 3091
- Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Where Tex-Mex is the best! ^_____^
Okay, pretty good. I'm not much for romance-stuff, but it was interesting.
Take it like you gave it; what else matters in the end? To be honest, it's all a one-shot test; that leaves plenty of places to go wrong, but how will you ever know? There's a pointer, I will admit. Turn it on, listen to it, feel it burn.
At-Close Paren-Right inclusive bracket-Tilde. Thanks to CAA mods. Taken from Jaden Mental's sig.
At-Close Paren-Right inclusive bracket-Tilde. Thanks to CAA mods. Taken from Jaden Mental's sig.
- Magekind
- Posts: 292
- Joined: Mon Aug 02, 2004 6:55 pm
- Location: Lost somewhere between here and reality. Help?
It was very...cute. You said this is an excerpt; does that mean that at some point in the future we will be graced with the rest of the story from which it came?
Let others believe in the God who brings men to trial and judges them. I shall cling to the God who resurrects the dead.
-St. Nikolai Velimirovich
MAL
-St. Nikolai Velimirovich
MAL
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Kaori - Posts: 1463
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- Location: 一羽の鳥が弧を描いてゆく
perhaps at some point. right now the story as a whole is pretty incomplete; as far as planning, it's finished, but actually -writing- everything is what's taking so long.
to be honest, I suffer without criticism. but I'm often too afraid to show my writing to people. that's fun, isn't it?
to be honest, I suffer without criticism. but I'm often too afraid to show my writing to people. that's fun, isn't it?
fightin' in the eighties
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ShiroiHikari - Posts: 7564
- Joined: Wed May 28, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Somewhere between 1983 and 1989
well, I wrote the continuation of this scene. if anyone wants to see it, PM me and I'll send it to you. or if enough people want to see it, I might post it here.
fightin' in the eighties
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ShiroiHikari - Posts: 7564
- Joined: Wed May 28, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Somewhere between 1983 and 1989
sorry to double post, but I'm gonna go ahead and attach that file.
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fightin' in the eighties
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ShiroiHikari - Posts: 7564
- Joined: Wed May 28, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Somewhere between 1983 and 1989
Okay, I read the first part and this most recent section with the dinner scene. I think you do great with description. You have great build up. You totally drew me into Adrian, Julian and Marianne's personality.
May I ask, who is Marianne? Is she his mom? Should he call her mom? Should you refer to her as mom? I just found that a little different.
I also think you should try writing romance novels. I think you have that down. XD In fact, its a bit too heavy on the romantic language - might want to tone it down.
Anyways, you are an excellent writer - in a technical sense. There are some sentences I might have re-structured; but overall, very good. ^_____^ I thought it was very, very good. ~_^
May I ask, who is Marianne? Is she his mom? Should he call her mom? Should you refer to her as mom? I just found that a little different.
I also think you should try writing romance novels. I think you have that down. XD In fact, its a bit too heavy on the romantic language - might want to tone it down.
Anyways, you are an excellent writer - in a technical sense. There are some sentences I might have re-structured; but overall, very good. ^_____^ I thought it was very, very good. ~_^
[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE
You see into the deepest part of me ---
beyond the fog I hide behind.
You cast your light upon the shadows
that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.
You ease the pain when I am hurting,
and morbid visions from my past
pierce into the realm of Reason
as though I danced on blades of glass.
You grant me strength when I have fallen
and, once again, I've lost my way.
You take my hand in Yours and lead me
into the promise of a brand new day.
You bring order to all my chaos,
yet set my well-laid plans awry.
You place me on a firm foundation ---
then give me wings so I can fly.
You sand away my roughened edges
and polish all the dullest parts
until I stand before Your presence...
a newly-sculpted work of art.
You see into the heart within me,
right through my motives and selfish will.
And yet, in spite of all You see
You say You love me even still.
~by D.M.~
[/color][/size]
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true_noir_chloe - Posts: 3091
- Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Where Tex-Mex is the best! ^_____^
Marianne is just a guardian, not legally his mom. it's kinda complicated.
well, I think I'm bad at this romantic stuff -__-
anyway, I'm glad you liked it.
well, I think I'm bad at this romantic stuff -__-
anyway, I'm glad you liked it.
fightin' in the eighties
-
ShiroiHikari - Posts: 7564
- Joined: Wed May 28, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Somewhere between 1983 and 1989
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