Something That's Bothered me for Some Time

[PonderingChibi]

On facebook, a few years ago, one of my sister's friends posted about something that has led to a lot of questions the past few years for me.

Do we do everything, even things for other people, just for our own satisfaction? Think about it. I mean, even when we do something that will hurt ourselves for another, something completely self-sacrificing, we feel good, because now we're the hero. Because then we feel good about ourselves. Even if it is hurting us, and no one else will ever know about it, we still feel like the hero on the inside, and that's enough to motivate someone. But would someone REALLY do something like that if they didn't think it would either gain something for themselves, or make them the part of the good, self sacrificing hero? So that they can think, even if it's just to themselves, "I'm the better person, because I gave up everything I had."?

I don't think I explained very well, but it's really been bothering me. I love to give things to people, but I'm afraid to find out that I only do that because then God likes me for it, and I feel nice on the inside, not that I actually only wanted that person to be happy. Sure, I DO want that person to be happy, but do I just want them to be happy because it makes me feel like I'm a better, nicer person?

[Xeno]

Sounds like you've discovered dopamine and its reward system. People do good things for others, sometimes regardless of personal interest, due to the fact that it makes them feel good on a base level. This is of course the most elementary explanation of this, and there are all kinds of rules and guidelines people may place on who they will help and when, but ultimately it falls back to helping other people makes you feel good, and others feel good when they help others and the cycle goes on.

[PonderingChibi]

So then, does no one truly do something completely for the happiness of another?

[K. Ayato]

I don't understand the motives you're trying to address. If you or someone else is doing things for the sake of feeling good or getting some form of recognition from others, then that's the reward in the end.

Sometimes God calls Believers to do things that don't necessarily "feel good" (which is another reason you shouldn't put stock in feelings, because they fool). Your focus shouldn't solely be on feeling good about yourself when you do things for others.

So why do people do helpful things for others? There's really no answer that covers the motives of everyone. Some (Christian or not) just have a heart to serve people and are quick to see a need filled when they notice a void, if you will. With Christians, some may be called to help people in need above and beyond what the usual response could be. And there are those who do it for a pat on the back.

You can't figure out what's the motive of other people, but in light of your first post here, the better question to ask is what is your own motive for doing good things. You can't answer for others, but you can answer for yourself.

[PonderingChibi]

I feel that I do it for other people, but I'm worried that I don't do it because I'm nice, but because my body's emotions like to feel like they're being nice.

If that makes sense. One of my biggest social faults is putting things into words...

[K. Ayato]

I strongly suggest you ask God to help reveal what your motives are.

[goldenspines]

I don't think I explained very well, but it's really been bothering me. I love to give things to people, but I'm afraid to find out that I only do that because then God likes me for it, and I feel nice on the inside, not that I actually only wanted that person to be happy. Sure, I DO want that person to be happy, but do I just want them to be happy because it makes me feel like I'm a better, nicer person?

Here is the main issue, I think. Are you doing things to make God "like" you more? How come? Will God like you more if you're "good" as opposed to "bad"? What causes God to love you/us/anyone?
I'd suggest working on getting to know God better and you may discover the answer to your initial question.

[Vilo159]

This is a really great question, one I've thought a lot about as well. It sounds to me like there are three parts of this that can determine whether your motives are good. There's the person you're doing it to and their happiness, there's the joy and thrill you get from doing it, and there's the image it gives and the approval of God and others. Their happiness, your happiness, and God's happiness. Here are some things you can try to determine your motives:

First, ask yourself, would you still want to do the nice thing, regardless of who it was for, or are you only doing it because it's a particular person? This isolates the other person's happiness, testing yours and God's. If you can answer yes, it means that you want to help no matter who it is, simply because you find joy in making others happy and you know God approves. If no, then it means the success of yours or God's happiness depends on the person you are helping. You might want to look into those two and try to make them independent of the other person.

Second, would you still want something nice to happen to the other person if it wasn't you delivering it? This isolates your own happiness. If yes, it means that you are doing it because you truly want that person and God to be happy, not just because it brings you happiness. This is a good motive. If no, it means that you doing it depends on whether it will make you happy or not, which is something that may need some looking into and fixing.

Third, try taking God out of the picture. If you didn't have to worry at all about the approval or disapproval of God or someone else, would you still do it? This isolates God's view and tests the other two. If you can answer yes, it means that you would do it whether you thought God would favor you more or not, simply because it brings you and them happiness. If not, it means that the main reason you're doing it is because it feels like it brings you favor with God, which shouldn't be the only reason you do something (although it should be a reason). I think Goldy put this the best.

Some of those are more important than others; I would say God's approval and happiness is the most important, the happiness of the other person (regardless of who they are) is second, and the happiness you get from it is least important. But as a general rule, lets put them all near the same level and say that if you can say yes to all three, it means your motive is pretty much always pure. If you can say yes to at least two, your motive is mostly pure and I'd say still pretty good, but still could use a little tweaking. If you can only say yes to one (like if you don't like the parson and don't want to serve them, its not bringing you any happiness, but you feel like you have to because God says so), then you might need to do some deeper thinking and probably adjusting some aspect of your attitude.

I'd say that serving people is always a good thing. Whether you like it or not, the action you are performing is good, and both you and the receiver are gonna be blessed in some way for it. But if you want to get the most out of it, it's going to require some effort on your part to consciously love who you serve, find joy in it, and know that God approves of it and loves both you and them.

Side: Forgive me if some of that isn't clear, I was having trouble putting my thoughts into words. >-<

[PonderingChibi]

Thank you, Vilo, that helped me so much. I had been wondering for so long, but I think I always try to look at everything all together, instead of breaking it into questions like that. I'll be doing some thinking and praying for a while to answer these questions, but I do really feel so much better about it now. Thank you so much.

While in most cases my answer would be yes to all/most of these, the one question I can 100% answer yes to is that second one, It really helped me a lot. Even when I don't have anything to do with the situation, few things have made me happier than to hear of someone's kindness to another. It just fills me with so much joy and fluffies >////3///<

[ClaecElric4God]

Well, Goldy and Vilo pretty much summed it up, but here's a thought. I don't have any definite Biblical backing for it, and it's just something that occurred to me, so take it for what it's worth.

God tends to reward good and judge bad, right? So is it too far-fetched to assume that that "good feeling" (though it's really more complicated and deeper than that if you do the right thing the right way for the right reason) is something natural that God has instilled in us? Instead of it being "I'm doing what God wants me to because I want to feel good" it can be "I feel good because I did what God wants me to do". I think I understand what you're trying to ask, but it almost sounds like you thought it was bad to feel good when you do something right. I'm pretty sure God doesn't want us to go through life doing things with a lack of empathy or concern for what we're doing. For one thing, it's conviction, conscience, compassion, etc. that help us to know what is right and wrong, and what we need to do. So it would follow that when you do it, you get a sense of satisfaction or contentment. Obviously, if you're doing it simply because of the high it gives you or you want God/others/you to be proud of you, then that's wrong. But if you are happy with yourself, or feel like God is pleased with you, after you do something right, I can't imagine why that would be wrong. God wants us to have joy and fulfillment in our Christian lives. Anyway, that's just my two cents.

And as far as whether or not anyone ever does anything purely for the happiness of another, I would say yes, for sure. For example, there are people who start a ministry (say, a youth group, for example) who run said ministry for years, never getting anything accomplished, who keep pressing forward for God, because it's the right thing to do. Then down the road, once they've passed on or God has moved them elsewhere, that ministry is a blessing to people, and the ones who started it and persevered for God never even know about them. That's just one example. It's kind of like the "If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it really make a sound" question (except that's dumb; of course it does). It's not something you can prove (especially since you can't see into other people's hearts), but it's kind of a given. Anyway, this is just my opinion. I could be completely wrong.

[Vilo159]

Claec makes a really good point. To add to that, I think that there's kind of a progression here. Even if you're serving others grudgingly and because you have to, you're still serving them. It's a step in the right direction. The next step would be to have a good attitude about it, then to really love the people you serve.

In your case, I think you're already well along your way in that progression. You love to serve, you love who you serve, and God loves and blesses you for it. I think you got mixed up somewhere afterwards in thinking that somehow you were almost too good, and that it was somehow bad. That's absolutely not true. This is a case where you can never have enough of a good thing. And as long as God's approval isn't your only motive, then I'd say you are completely in the right here. Don't feel ashamed for receiving God's love and blessings. If you can prove to yourself that your not doing this for attention and praise, but to bless the lives of others, then you have nothing to be ashamed or sorry about.

[PonderingChibi]

= w= Asking has made me feel so much better. I get so down in the dumps because once I think of a question, I have a lot of trouble answering it, and instead just worry about it and don't go to anyone for help.

Thank you all so much~ <333

[Sammy Boy]

I think it is difficult to always have completely pure motives. In addition, doing something good for someone because we love them, but also because it makes us feel good, are not necessarily mutually exclusive reasons.

I discovered that the more I wanted to have "pure motives" for doing things for other people, the more I started questioning and doubting myself on a frequent basis. Later on, I decided to stop thinking so hard about it and things were actually easier to handle. I am reminded that one of my lecturers in college once said that having the opportunity to do good to someone needs no reward, because the opportunity itself is the reward.