Kaibone-aruu; the first story in my productions

[MarcusMode]

Kaibone-aruu is a super power, but not just any super power, this power is the power of tribes, in the first season, their are only 14 different kaibone-aruu, the kaibone-aruu runs by certain powers and elements in the tribes.Kaibone: The energy that a person is born with, that determines the 2 kaibone-aruu that they are able to use, kaibone-aruu: the energy that is used to release the power that the Kaibone-aruu worrior possesses.The main characters name is Kygoruki Sasumodae, he is the only wolf and tiger tribe worrior around the world, wolf tribe: the tribe of kaibone-aruu bondage.It uses dark wind energy that has an ability called breaking wind, that allows them to fly as they use the wolf tribe wind barrier to fly as the breaking wind effect takes place,(breakes through wind to increase acceleration in the sky).The tiger tribe is the tribe that is considered as the evil tribe, because the leader of the tribe had paced a curse in the entire tribe so that they would be the strongest tribe in the world, as they hold the energy of rage.Kygoruki is the only wolf and tiger tribe member around the world, and the wild tribe us the dominant tribe of the world, because they all fight in packs, which makes them one of the strongest standard tribes in the kaibonearuu world, and as kygoruki goes around the world, he travels to find his friends and create a team of kaibone-aruu christians called team kendo kaibo.

And their are many different tactics that the worriors use to fight, as for using their energy to create powers.

[ABlipinTime]

This comes to mind:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4rtoNZbh14
No offense intended

[MarcusMode]

Kaibone-aruu will be known as the christian super power

[Davidizer13]

I haven't read Naruto but I can tell how much you're ripping it off.

Other than that, kickin' tight idea for a story, broseph!

[MarcusMode]

No trust me its not a rip off,naruto-chi/chakra,And their was never a main chakra against a main chakra, it was always naruto vs sasuke.Kaibone-aruu: kaibone: cristal/dimond bone structure that is different colors depending on the tribes, that allows them to use their kaibonearuu.and their bone structure makes the kaibone-aruu unstoppable, unless the worrior is fighting another kaibone-aruu worrior.

But I hate going into conflict over how I made the story, but mainly, theirs 12 different seasons that carry 41 different kaibone-aruu that can be mixed to create any type of power, it can be a copy, but its not, because of the property that the story is under.

[Davidizer13]

No trust me its not a rip off,naruto-chi/chakra,And their was never a main chakra against a main chakra, it was always naruto vs sasuke.Kaibone-aruu: kaibone: cristal/dimond bone structure that is different colors depending on the tribes, that allows them to use their kaibonearuu.and their bone structure makes the kaibone-aruu unstoppable, unless the worrior is fighting another kaibone-aruu worrior.

OK, cool, you've totally convinced me! Your magic system is completely different, so that makes it not a ripoff.

Listen, once, I was basically in the same position you were in. I wrote this giant universe about giant robots that fight in space but it was going to be better than Gundam. I had all the robot designs and everything, and it was totally sweet.

And then I tried to write stories in it. I soon found out that I had no idea about what I was trying to say with them, and didn't even have a good character for a lead.

And then I watched the original Gundam, and it totally blew my mind. Sure, there's sweet robot fights and cool space stuff, but what was really compelling about it wasn't the trappings of the world, but the characters, the ideas and emotions being expressed though them. The show even drives that home - in the final battle, the hero and his antagonist start out with their bright, shiny mecha, but over the course of it, they totally trash them and in the end, they're reduced to wrestling on the ground, arguing about their ideals. Because it was never about the robot fights, it was about the ideas behind them that were driving the show.

Same goes for your show. You can fret about your magic bone things all you want, but if that's all you spend your time on, well, I don't want to spend my time watching a show where all they do is argue about what goes into a Cubone Double X or whatever, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that.

So tell me more about these characters of yours. Who are they? What's motivating them? What sorts of ideas are you trying to explore with this thing? I don't blame you if you haven't quite got that far, it's pretty common to make that mistake! But if you're really serious about this thing, you have to get in to that if you're going to make this any good.

[MarcusMode]

Trust me, I've been working on the story for 4 years, the setting of the first season is when a kid name kygoruki gets kicked out of his own tribe village because he was in the tribe of sin, the tiger tribe, as well as wolf tribe, afterwards, he gets chased out of the village and gets away, but he goes into a cave that freezes him because hes in tiger tribe, then his enemy says: thats what he gets for blending in with the wrong tribe.afterwards, he helps a friend out in the next village, then he goes all around the world to find his tribe friends, then at the end of the season,kygoruki defeats the tiger tribe leader with the help of his friends, and lifts the curse of the tiger tribe, so that the tribe would no longer be the tribe of evil.

The purposes get more epic when the season moves on, but ofcourse the christian part of the story stays.

In the first season, the main character kygoruki is in the wolf tribe: tribe if friendship mainly, and tiger tribe the tribe of sin.The 1st season is about kygoruki finding his friends and making a team called kendo kaibo.Because their are only 14 kaibone-aruu in the first season, he finds his friends from around the world, that is all kaibone-aruu energy mixed,called kendoku energy.But mainly,ruki grew up sinless(no sin entered his life), that makes him the only worrior in the world that is known as the hero since young, never evil, and always looks for people in need: the kaibone-aruu hero holic soul.After he finds all of his friends, he fights off the tiger tribe leader, to heal the tribe from being the tribe of sin, and sets the tiger tribe free from the curse.

Mainly kygoruki and his team stoping the tiger tribe and breaking the curse of the tribe being the tribe of sin.Then in the second season, ruki has to fight off his evil twin tiger tribe brother.

Been working in the story since 09.All 12 of the seasons have excellent meanings.

[MarcusMode]

I accidentally posted all of that..lol.I'm using my phone, thats why.XD..

[MarcusMode]

Oh ok.XD..

[Atria35]

Well, if you really want input....

Quite frankly, I'm not that impressed by the setup of 'sin' vs. 'not sin'. There's a lot to be said about subtlety, and writing poorly-veiled Jesus metaphors is boring as anything. That's what all Christian fiction is these days. You can do better and be more creative than that.

[Davidizer13]

Trust me, I've been working on the story for 4 years

They worked on Duke Nukem Forever for 14 years. Your point?

But mainly,ruki grew up sinless(no sin entered his life), that makes him the only worrior in the world that is known as the hero since young, never evil, and always looks for people in need: the kaibone-aruu hero holic soul.

So your hero is basically magic karate Jesus.

OK. I see certain issues arising from this. For one, how many times in the Bible did Jesus beat up sinners with super Cubone magic? Or with just His fists? Maybe it's just me, but if you're going to parallel Jesus with your character, have them act more like Jesus, not like Jesus-only-he-beats-up-the-bad-guys-and-there-are-kung-fu-magics-and-it's-totes-sweet-bro.

Now, I realize that there are plenty of characters out there with Messianic parallels, but the problem is that instead of making vague allusions or just reusing a pretty stock plot/character, you're trying to make a direct link between your character, who regularly lays magical smackdown on sinners, and Jesus, a pacifistic minster who taught that revenge isn't our tool to use. That's a pretty big mixed message, especially if you're targeting this to Christians/people about to become Christians.

All 12 of the seasons have excellent meanings.

12 seasons. So at 13 episodes a season (which seems to be standard in anime, which I assume is what you're going for), you've got 150+ episodes of Kung Fu Jesus Action Half-Hour planned out. Riveting!

Atria's right, aim a little higher! Anyone can make a Jesus figure or make veiled references to God/Christendom that only the people "in the know" will get, but it takes real skill to build a more realistic Christian character, one who's got some dirt on them that they have to work through, like real redemption story type work. And if you're aiming at conversion or encouragement for Christians, that's something people can relate to - I'm not perfect, but through God's grace, I'm doing the best I can. Nail those emotions, do that feeling realistically (because we've all been there), and you'll be doing more than a thousand simplistic Christ analogies ever could.

I apologize for coming across as really harsh in my criticism, but I guess I'm sick of seeing Christian art settle for mediocrity and constantly retreading "what sells" instead of making something more powerful, something closer to actual art. Whatever we're doing, we're doing it for God as His representatives, so I believe we should do it to the best of our abilities, and in art, Christendom has been failing that for years. You're no exception to that - you can do a lot better than a Dragon Ball ripoff with Jesus tacked onto it, trust me, so go out and do that instead! Murder the darling ideas you've been carrying for years, and make something better in their place.

[MarcusMode]

Black..japanese..sampson..That is a christian..

I have 4 other stories that retains to the main character being a christian.

He goes to the tiger tribe village with his team to fight them off so he can break the curse of the tiger tribe.

Now, I realize that there are plenty of characters out there with Messianic parallels, but the problem is that instead of making vague allusions or just reusing a pretty stock plot/character, you're trying to make a direct link between your character, who regularly lays magical smackdown on sinners, and Jesus, a pacifistic minster who taught that revenge isn't our tool to use. That's a pretty big mixed message, especially if you're targeting this to Christians/people about to become Christians. Revenge is not kugoruki's tool, fighting off the curse of the tiger tribe (illuminadi people) so that they can worship and follow God again. : kygoruki:(black, japanese, sampson).And my plan was to make situations happen in the story, from things in the bible, like how sampson fought off 1000 men using a donkey bone, because he was a nazirite, and he had authority with God by what God had wanted him to accomplish, and I made kygoruki's hair a certain way, because in the story, he is suppost to be (a black, japanese, sampson).Who makes a team, to go to the tribe village, and breaks the curse of the tiger tribe (repeated).

(emotocon by accident).

And it seems like a rip off because it has 41 tribes, that only the main character can mix together to create any type of powers.(not a rip off), their are 8 or more anime's that uses chi to get their energy, bones for energy? None.But kaibone-aruu.

[Davidizer13]

Black..japanese..sampson..That is a christian..

OK, so Samson! Samson's interesting - in the Bible, Samson's kind of a jerk. He's got all this God-given strength, with the intent to be God's chosen to save Israel, but he's also a colossal idiot who uses it just to kill people who tick him off, and totally rejects everything that he was supposed to do for God. And yet, he ends up getting used exactly the way God needed him to be. It's this great rumination about destiny and God's plan. There's a million different things you could do with it. Aim higher!

And it seems like a rip off because it has 41 tribes, that only the main character can mix together to create any type of powers.(not a rip off), their are 8 or more anime's that uses chi to get their energy, bones for energy? None.But kaibone-aruu.

You're missing the point here: in the end, your world isn't about the magic system or the names of all the tribes, it's about the characters who make it up. It's not a ripoff because you use bones or chi for energy, it's one because of the way you're choosing to tell your story: an angry shonen dude goes around the world fighting people with magic. This doesn't have to be a ripoff, there's a bunch of different ways to do it (and a bunch of different ways it has been done), so take a new angle at it! You've got a start on that with the Samson thing, so keep swinging away at that.

[ABlipinTime]

Hey Marcus: When you want to add to what you have to say, there's this button in the lower right hand corner of your post that says "Edit". It allows you to add onto your post so you don't have to make so many. The button is there for four days.

But as to your story: I have to agree with Davidizer. People care alot about characters and their responses to their life situations, not necessarily the world. Sure, the world can make things more interesting to some of us, but unless your characters are fighting the world and not other characters (e.g. .hack as opposed to Gundam), chances are, the world may become a secondary thing to most people. People like story. Good story is usually also character-driven.

Like you, I've also had a story in the works for a few years (2 for me). The story has evolved over time as I've taken into account more and more factors of what has made other stories interesting. While it's fun to develop a world (and I both really enjoy it and do it alot), do realize that worlds are one of those elements of stories that have to be explained, which can lead to the boring method of fact-giving or the experienced one informs the newbie of what's going on.

[Marcus ModeLvLs]

Marcus mode is back&im still working on the rough draft in the first book series of Kaibone-Aruu.The begining of the story has changed,but the storyline remains.I will eventually make this story a manga when I get to it enentually