White Myth

[Twila27]

I, um, just typed this out about half an hour ago, and although I still feel unsure about how I want to write my stories...Well, I think I can at least get some criticism with this even if the formatting and point of view don't feel completely worked out yet. So, depending on how you/I see it, here's either a summary or an excerpt out of this story's--White Myth's--opening scene.

Stalemate

"Kuya and Jason being chased by White Myth personnel, “as alwaysâ€

[Lynna]

hmm...Intresting! It's really good! ?However, I did find some parts rather confusing

[Twila27]

hmm...Intresting! It's really good! ?However, I did find some parts rather confusing

Hm, I still feel dissatisfied with how I described the barrier, but I'm curious what you think was confusing. My language is kinda wordy.

[Esoteric]

Definitely a summary. (Welcome to CAA by the way!) Actually, it feels exactly like what it is: brainstorming. I'll often write out something similar as a preliminary idea, but very little of it actually makes it into the story in this form, because it's too direct and breezy. For example:

With no way out, but completely covered by the multitudes, Kuya believes she is safe and relaxes her hold on her younger brother, who she gently hugs to her.

This sentence certainly describes Kuya's behavior, but in the grand scheme it's not very interesting to read. It doesn't really help me understand what Kuya is thinking or feeling, so I feel detached from her. For a finished story, you would want it to be more like this:

Kuya pressed her way through the throng of listless survivors, keeping her brother close to her side. Pushing and ducking low, she squeezed her way through mob, fighting to keep her quick pace. The alley was slick with mud from recent rains and she nearly tumbled to her knees again as someone pushed her sideways. Recovering, she paused for breath, glanced over her shoulder. Nothing. She'd lost them for now.
Her breathing slowed, the air moving around her reeked of stale sweat and dirt, but at least they were hidden among so many others. She relaxed her grip on Jason's shoulders and stooped forward, hugging him gently.
"You did very well," she smiled.

One sentence becomes nine. It took a lot longer to write, but now I can feel the people jostling, smell them, feel more of Kuya's panic and exertion. It helps put me in the scene, in Kuya's shoes.

Your summary also switches back and forth between past and present tense. You'll need to chose one and stick with it. I recommend using perfect past tense. (example: Jason walked to the store for milk. They didn't have any and there wasn't anything he could do. He went home.) It's the standard and what people feel most comfortable reading.
People do occasionally write stories in present tense, but it's very avant-garde. (example: Jason walks to the store for milk. They don't have any and he can't do anything about it. He goes home.) I'd avoid writing stories in this tense unless you know exactly what you're doing.

I wish you luck with this. Writing is a lot of work, but it can be very rewarding.

[Twila27]

(Thank you!) Yes, I agree that this is mostly me going back and forth between describing what I "want" to happen and then actually including something I might write. ^^;

But I also see what you mean with the one-to-nine sentence example, although that would definitely not be her attitude toward Jason...Yet I suppose that's just because I didn't elaborate on their relationship in that scene. I'm trying to learn how to use the "show, don't tell" principle that I've been nailed for using poorly in the past, but I understand that it most likely comes with practice.

Hm, I think deciding the point of view as well as the tense is something hard for me to do...English teachers tell me to write in the present, and while I know that's only for literary analysis rather than writing fiction it's been a habit I've worked hard to make in myself--but it seems to be destructive in a situation like this, how ironic. Perfect past tense...Will try to work with it, thanks! ^^~

Yeah, I'm really a novice, so I'll take any advice I can get--many thanks, Esoteric. X3

[Esoteric]

But I also see what you mean with the one-to-nine sentence example, although that would definitely not be her attitude toward Jason...Yet I suppose that's just because I didn't elaborate on their relationship in that scene. I'm trying to learn how to use the "show, don't tell" principle that I've been nailed for using poorly in the past, but I understand that it most likely comes with practice.

Yes, I was improvising with the relationship. I had no idea how old Jason was, so I imagined him young with a considerable age gap between them since Kuya seemed very protective (i.e. motherly) to me. That's the trick really. As the author you know all about your characters, how old they are, what they're thinking and feeling. You can see them in your head, acting out the scenes.
But the reader can't see them, he has to rely solely on what you tell him. Sure, a reader's imagination can (and will if forced) fill in a lot of details and gaps, but the clearer of a picture you can give them, the better they'll understand and enjoy your story. Too many gaps and they won't understand it at all.

"Show, don't tell" is good advice, but often confusing, because frankly there are times when it's best to tell, and others when it's better to show. It takes lots of practice and feedback to build a good writer's instinct for which is which(I'm still working on it myself!)

English teachers tell me to write in the present, and while I know that's only for literary analysis rather than writing fiction it's been a habit I've worked hard to make in myself--but it seems to be destructive in a situation like this, how ironic. Perfect past tense...Will try to work with it, thanks!

Yeah, present tense can be useful in reports and papers, but in the world of fiction, 95% is written in 'past perfect'. Just open up your favorite books and write like those authors write. Use them as a guide. Study how they structure paragraphs and build scene progressions. Reading is one of a writer's best learning methods.

Keep at it!

[Twila27]

Hm, that's really an interesting way to see the two from only those pieces I wrote, from my viewpoint...Hm...Actually, that makes a lot of sense when I think about how I've always dreaded books filled to the breaking point with paragraphs and paragraphs of imagery and detail...But if it's just the author trying to convey what they're seeing...I think I can empathize a bit, now. Because too little and they can't get the points that you want them to...I thought that kind of relationship existed between someone writing a mystery plot and someone reading it, (credit @ Umineko's EP5!) but I hadn't really applied or thought about it working like this until now.

But yep, I have absolute 0% of a clue on how to do it. ^^;

Thanks for your advice, again, I'm in your debt. I don't know why it makes me feel slightly weird reading stories written in past perfect (although I agree that most of them are written that way) and hearing about the characters' actions...But present tense is even odder, I think. x-x;

I'll keep trying my best! (Although I seriously can't tell what to write, so I think that's why I ended up basically brainstorming like you said...)