The Cormund Sword

[familygibbs]

This is a story that I have been working on since grade 8. I now have about 200 pages typed (over 100,000 words), but I am starting to have doubts about how good this story really is or if it is too unoriginal. So I thought I would post the first two chapters and see what you all at CAA think. My inspiration was mostly C.S. Lewis, the Myst series of games, Tolkien, and George MacDonald.


Chapter 1

Elayne Prescott stood in the parking lot of the Dunvir Academy for Girls, with her suitcases clustered around her. It was a bright spring day and the town around the school was abuzz with the noise of traffic and the ringing of bells on bicycles. All around her in the parking lot and the front yard of the school were girls excitedly chatting about their plans for the summer now that school was finally over.
She glanced at her watch. Her ride was late. Maybe the chauffeur was slow picking up her older brother, John.
John attended the St. Thomas Aquinas Preparatory Institute that lay in the next town an hour down the road. He was her only sibling and probably the person she got along best with. She hadn’t seen him since the Easter break and she missed his easy-going personality and bluntness. He never minced words and he could always tell what she was feeling. She’d hated being without him that last year of school. The all-girls school had been an absolute nightmare of cat fights and snobbiness and as much as Elayne hated herself for doing it, she had participated in it on several occasions in order to stay popular.
She leaned her weight against one of the suitcases and sighed. A slight cold breeze swayed her long auburn hair and raised bumps on her bare arms. She scolded herself for wearing a tank top instead of something warmer. Even the school uniform was warmer, but none of the other girls were wearing theirs now that school was out. It was hard not to conform when not conforming meant being scorned by most of the girls she lived with. During that year, she’d gotten a nose stud and several ear piercing because she’d felt compelled to. The nose stud was actually nice, but the earrings were large and annoying. She’d also attended all the major parties even though she had never really enjoyed a single one. She was by nature quite shy, but to not attend the parties would have been social suicide. Much of that year had been spent trying to fit in without giving up the things she enjoyed most. Unfortunately, the subject she enjoyed most in school was science.
Both John and her were interested in the sciences and in grade school they had even entered a science fair together. That all changed when she hit the eleventh grade. Her mother thought she needed refining, which was as much as saying she needed to act more like a lady. Apparently she spent too much time reading books and hanging out with her brother and not enough time socializing. The solution was to send Elayne to Dunvir Academy where the girls all wore uniforms, got etiquette lessons, and learned how to stab each other with words. Elayne had protested, but her mother made a strong case for it and eventually she gave in for the sake of peace. Today was the end of her first year at the academy. Several times she had been close to being ostracized because of things like correcting a popular girl’s math in front of the class, taking physics, and rolling her eyes in romantic movies when everyone else was crying.
Science and Elayne’s mishaps should have been her downfall, but for some reason she had still managed to stay popular. She’d had quite a few guys tell her she was beautiful, though that was usually when they wanted something back from her. Still, she knew she was attractive and that was probably the only reason the popular girls still tried to incorporate her into their flocks - because she would be a great asset to have, just as long as she didn’t try to usurp their position.
The sound of giggling coming from behind her knocked Elayne out of her thoughts. She twisted around to see a group of girls coming her way. Leading the group was Clara, the most popular girl in school dressed in a low-cut shirt and a short skirt.
“Great,â€

[Derek_Is_Me]

I like it. You seem to have a knack for story telling. At least from what I get from this first chapter at least. I say you should keep working hard on it because you will never truly be good at it unless you keep doing it. ^^ Hope your having a good day.

[familygibbs]

Oh yay. My thread was approved. Here are the next parts of chapter 1. Thanks Derek for your first comment. I hope you have a good day too.

Chapter 1 (continued)
“They had to pick the worst possible place,” said John. “Dear cousin Horace will see that we have a great time. Apparently, Uncle Arnold is working on a huge research project and Horace will be keeping us company.”
Elayne felt sick. Their uncle and aunt had named their son, Horace, after some great philosopher, perhaps in an attempt to distinguish him from everyone else and give him something to live up to, but whatever their reasons had been, it had all fallen flat. Horace had a hundred different ways of getting other people into trouble. At school he was known as ‘Horace the Horrible’ among teachers as well as his classmates. He never received decent punishment for it, though, since Aunt Leah believed he could do no wrong. When they had visited last time, Horace had hit a baseball through a neighbour’s window and then promptly blamed it on John. No matter how John protested, he still got the blame.
“I wouldn’t have been so eager to get out of school if I’d known about this,” declared Elayne bitterly.
“At least you’re not in Aunt Leah’s black book,” reminded John.
“Right.”
She stared glumly out the window. Her hopes for a nice vacation to recuperate from school had just burst. At least she had her brother with her. Maybe they could avoid Horace and find things to do in the area together.
The car pulled up to the train station and she and John got out of the car. The chauffeur unloaded their bags and gave them some pocket money from their parents. John took it and stuffed it in his pocket before picking up his bags. Elayne took a suitcase in either hand and followed her brother to the station. They presented their tickets and found a seat to themselves.
John pulled out the pocket money they had been given and counted it. “Three hundred pounds,” he said. “At least we aren’t lacking in the financial end of things.”
“Mom and Dad are always generous,” said Elayne. “I just wish they would be more giving in other areas.” She looked glumly out the window at the passing countryside.
“Cheer up Elayne,” encouraged John. “One more year and you can get out from under their clutches. Since I’m going to college next year, I might be able to get out and see you more and perhaps we could even take off somewhere and tour the Mediterranean or something.”
Elayne didn’t respond but continued looking out the window. Right now she was too upset to listen to any optimistic outlooks.

The train arrived in Workington one hour later. Aunt Leah was waiting in the parking lot of the train station when they arrived. She wore a purple floral dress that hung rather loosely on her bony frame. Her straight, shoulder length reddish hair accented the hardness of her face and gave her a no nonsense look. She caught sight of them and her lips set in a tight line as they walked up to her, carting their luggage behind.
“It’s about time you got here!” she snapped, “That train was twenty minutes late and now I’m going to be late for my appointment. Why the people who run the system can’t be on time is beyond me. They should be fired - the whole lot of them.”
Elayne stood expectantly, waiting for more of her tirade. She’d learned on their last visit to smile and nod until Aunt Leah had finished her speeches. Elayne was surprised therefore when she didn’t continue rambling. Obviously Aunt Leah was in a terrible rush.
“Come on then and bring your baggage. I haven’t got all day,” said their aunt, pushing her hair back with a quick snapping motion.
Aunt Leah was one of the strictest and bossiest people Elayne knew, or at least she was to anyone other than Horace. Before Elayne realized it, they were hustled into her car and on their way to the house.
It was a short drive along pleasant winding roads shaded by tall oaks. Aunt Leah rambled on about being late for the appointment and how they had better stay out of the way of Uncle Arnold and not touch any of his things or they would get in big trouble. Elayne glanced at her brother and rolled her eyes. He made a face back at her and she had to stop herself from giggling. What would she have done if she didn’t have her brother?
They arrived at the house. It was situated in the older part of town along a street with heritage mansions and ornate gardens surrounded by stone walls. The house itself was large and impressive, but in need of some repairs. There was paint peeling and some of the shingles were chipped and broken. A tall wall topped with glass shards surrounded the premises and discouraged intruders. Small, scraggly bushes were about the only vegetation in the garden besides the brownish lawn. Compared to the other mansions on the street, it was a sore sight and probably a blemish in the neighbours’ eyes.
Horace was standing at the door, watching as the car came up the drive. He was of average height with blue eyes and reddish hair like his mother’s that was always perfectly combed. Unlike his mother, though, he was quite overweight: a result of poor dietary habits and lack of exercise. He smirked as the car stopped and they all stepped out of the car. Aunt Leah opened the trunk, hauling the baggage out and carelessly dumping it on the ground and then turned around to give them a last command.
“Arnold is lecturing at the university for the day so Horace will show you your rooms. There’s food in the pantry and pizza for supper. I hope you will not get into any mischief,” she added. Then without waiting for a reply, she stepped back into the car and backed down the driveway. John and Elayne were left at the front door with Horace.
“Are you just going to stand there?” Horace scoffed, “or shall I show you to your rooms. I suppose I will have to entertain you as well or you’ll get into mischief.” He laughed loudly and disappeared through the door.
“I don’t know what he finds so funny,” muttered Elayne. The two of them reluctantly picked up their things, and followed him inside.
The interior of the house was tidy and well furnished. Several ornate Turkish carpets lay on the floor and there were some expensive looking statues and paintings along the corridors. The walls were wood paneled and the carpet was a rich shade of red with designs around the edge. It was a huge contrast to the shabby look of the exterior. Both Uncle Arnold and Aunt Leah had done quite well for themselves in their separate occupations. Uncle Arnold was no handyman, so though Horace’s mother maintained the interior quite nicely, the exterior of the house was starting to look shabby.
They walked up a broad stairway into a long hallway with rooms on either side. John was shown a room at the end of the hallway and Elayne was given one near the stairs. Elayne dropped off her things in a neat fashion around the room and pulled out some comfortable clothes from her suitcase to change in to. At least here she didn’t need to impress anyone. She chose a simple short sleeve shirt and some comfortable jeans. After putting them on, she went downstairs to find the others.
Horace was sitting at the counter watching television while John ate some chips off to the side. He always ate when he was upset. He didn’t show emotion much, but she knew well enough when something wasn’t right by his actions.
They both looked up when she entered. Horace smiled at her, but there was something in the smile that put her on edge. She felt he had something planned that neither she nor John would like.

[familygibbs]

Chapter 1 (continued)
“Since you have been here once before I guess you know where everything is. Or would you like the grand tour?” he asked sarcastically.
Elayne smiled ignoring the sarcasm, “Do you think we could do some sightseeing around the neighbourhood?”
Horace groaned. “You can do that alone. There’s nothing great out there.”
Elayne frowned. She needed to be nice to Horace if there was to be any peace, but it was going to be difficult. “Well we didn’t see the attic last time or the very top floor. You could show us that.”
“Fine. Whatever.” Horace got up and walked to the foot of the stairs. John and Elayne followed. Horace led them up two flights of stairs, pausing to catch his breath before opening a door where another steep flight of stairs led to the attic. The attic was where all the junk had apparently been stowed. They roamed through it peering at old photos and trinkets until Horace complained of the dust. They left the attic to explore the third floor. It was full of empty rooms or rooms filled with boxes because all the rooms being used were on the second floor. There were a few things of interest including several balconies and a laundry chute. When they reached the ground floor again, Horace declared, “That was boring. Why don’t we go see something a little more interesting?”
“Like what?” asked John suspiciously.
“My father’s experiment,” answered Horace with a gleam in his eye. Elayne felt a twang of curiousity. Uncle Arnold was an experimental physicist and it would certainly be interesting to see what he was working on.
“Is this OK with your dad?” asked Elayne. “We don’t want to get in trouble.”
“It’s fine as long as you don’t touch anything,” Horace replied. He didn’t wait for an answer but motioned excitedly for them to follow him. Elayne gave John a look. So far Horace was being quite decent, but that might not last for long. They cautiously followed him down a flight of stairs to the basement and through a heavy steel door. The room they entered left Elayne staring in wonder.
A low platform stood in the centre of the lab, wires connecting to it from all sides. A circle with a small shiny silver dot in the centre was engraved in the middle of the platform floor. Tables lined the walls of the room covered in gizmos, papers, and books. Windows set high in the wall with bars across them let in a bit of daylight. There were some cobwebs in the corners and food wrappers on the floor. It smelled of burnt things and a mixture of chemicals.
“My father finished the platform three days ago and demonstrated it to us,” bragged Horace. “The rat he tested it on vanished into thin air!” He sauntered over to a table and turned on a switch. A humming noise filled the air.
Elayne felt a lump of fear rise in her throat. She doubted Uncle Arnold was fine with this at all. “Turn that off,” she shouted. “You said yourself that we weren’t to touch anything.”
“I’m not the one who will get in trouble,” he said with an especially nasty grin as he flicked a few more switches. John made a dash for him, but Horace quickly ducked out of arm’s length and sprinted towards the door.
“Won’t my mother be mad when she finds you locked up down here,” said Horace gleefully, jingling a key in his hand that he had apparently hidden in his pocket. He didn’t make it to the door though. Elayne cut him off, colliding with him and sending both of them tumbling onto the ground. She scrambled to her feet and moved to the side as her brother marched up to Horace and yanked him up by the arm.
“Unless you smarten up, you’re going to end up with a smashed nose! Now get back there and turn it off,” commanded John furiously.
Horace, however, was not about to admit defeat. He twisted around and kicked John viciously in the shins before adding a punch to his stomach. John didn’t release Horace. Instead, he shoved him roughly across the room away from the door. Horace tried to stem his momentum, but tripped on the edge of the platform, falling backwards onto the platform. A brilliant light filled the room in which Elayne could see, as if through a telescope lens, a leafy glade surrounded by tall trees. It was just for an instant though. The next second both the light and Horace had completely vanished, leaving an empty platform in the middle of a smelly laboratory.
John and Elayne stood in shocked silence. Things had happened so quickly they were still trying to catch their breath.
“We’re dead,” groaned John.
“Don’t say that,” retorted Elayne fiercely. “We’ll just have to find some way to fix this mess.”
“You have any brilliant ideas?” asked John sarcastically.
She ignored him and walked over to the control panel. There were buttons and switches everywhere and no instruction book! Well it was a research project anyway; she couldn’t expect things to be straight and easy. She flipped through some stacks of paper and found some diagrams depicting what the device did. It seemed to be a teleporter of sorts that converted mass into dark matter and sent it at extremely high speeds to another location. At least that was what she understood from the side notes on the diagrams. Obviously, the worst thing she could do was mess with the platform.
“I think we should just wait and explain it all to Uncle Arnold when he returns. He’ll know what to do,” she concluded. “At least we can be pretty certain that Horace is still alive.”
“How so?” demanded John.
“Didn’t you see the forest in the light just before he disappeared?”
John shook his head. “I had my eyes closed against the brightness.” He paused. “You’re certain that’s what you saw?”
She nodded.
“In that case, why don’t we go after him?”
Elayne’s jaw dropped. “Are you insane?”
“I’d just rather not be here when Aunt Leah gets back,” retorted John. “She’ll probably kill us with her bare hands!”
Elayne sat down heavily on a lab stool, running their options through her head. Staying would mean facing Aunt Leah, but going didn’t seem much better. After all she was relying on a glimpse of trees to say where Horace was and teleporting could have any number of side effects. But they had lots of cash on hand and if they went after Horace, they could together find their way to the nearest settlement and use the money to contact their families.
She looked up at John. “Ok, let’s do it. You have the money right? All we need now is a change of cloths and survival stuff in case it’s a long walk out of the woods.”
John looked relieved in a way. “Right. Let’s go. I’ll get the clothes and survival gear, you can get the food. Maybe I can even find a GPS to take.”
He dashed away up the stairs. Elayne got up resignedly and walked up after him. John went up to their rooms while Elayne raided the pantry. After finding several water bottles, some soda, chocolate, and other preservable food, she wrote a note describing what happened and left it on the kitchen counter. Then she hurried back to the laboratory.
John was already there with a blanket, extra clothes, compass, a pocketknife, a lighter, some soap, first aid stuff, and a small LED flashlight. Unfortunately there didn’t seem to be a GPS around. They stuffed everything they had been able to find into a duffle bag. John swung the bag over his shoulder and grasped Elayne’s hand firmly. They stood still for a second on the edge of the platform, staring at the silver dot in the center. Elayne felt that her stomach was tied in knots and she was having trouble breathing.
“In case this doesn’t work, it was nice knowing you,” said John half-jokingly.
“You too,” she breathed.
“On the count of three: one, two, three!”
They leapt onto the platform. The lab and everything in it vanished instantly. It was completely dark and very unpleasant. Elayne tried to move her head, but found she couldn’t move anything at all. She seemed to be rushing forward. Suddenly there was a flash of bright light and she felt herself hit the ground and then everything went black.

[Esoteric]

This is a story that I have been working on since grade 8. I now have about 200 pages typed (over 100,000 words), but I am starting to have doubts about how good this story really is or if it is too unoriginal.

You'll find that it's really difficult (impossible even) to be original these days. The market is so saturated, almost everything can be viewed as a derivative of something else. So writing a good story these days (especially in the realm of fantasy) boils down to character and style. Intriguing characters. Interesting twists on standard predicaments. Subtle metaphoric descriptions that make readers think, yet make perfect sense.

If you want an honest opinion, I'd say your writing is average. It's good and certainly functional, but not amazing. There's a lot of exposition about Elayne in the first few paragraphs, more than is probably wise. I didn't really feel hooked by it. If the account of her woeful year was more humorously exaggerated to give it some real narrative flavor, then maybe it would be okay. Right now it mostly feels like 'meh' information. In other words, I know a lot of facts about Elayne now, but I'm not really relating to/amused by her way of thinking yet.

The section is much too short to comment on plot, but I'll say that it's good to have Elayne thinking she's finally got a reprieve, but then find out she's going somewhere she doesn't like. It would be nice to know why she doesn't like it. Again, a brief exaggerated account of some dreadful past experiences at her aunt and uncles might be useful. It would help us to smile curiously and think, 'poor Elayne'.

The story has potential. The storytelling just needs a bit more personality.

[familygibbs]

Thanks Esoteric. It has been a while since I looked back at chapter 1 and I certainly agree now that it starts too slow and I wrote way too much about Elayne when the story does not even centre around the woes of her school and her struggle to fit in. I will have to shorten it down to get to the action.
Now for chapter 2.

Chapter 2
John opened his eyes to find himself flat on his back. His vision whirled for a second and he thought he would be sick. He propped himself up on his side and took a heaving breath. He was lying on mossy ground covered in sticks and leaves and little twigs were poking into him from all sides. He staggered to his feet and brushed himself off. He was standing on a steep slope with trees and bushes all around him. The air was crisp, damp, cool and so fresh that it surprised him. He gazed up into a leafy canopy so thick that he couldn’t see the sky. It was strange. He seemed to be in a mountainous region, but there were no evergreen trees or plants that he would normally associate with high elevation. It looked more like a tropical rain forest than anything else. But a rainforest usually had huge ancient trees. These trees were thin, but still tall and very leafy and it wasn’t as wet as a rainforest would be. Where were they?
“John,” called a voice near him. He looked around and saw Elayne standing a few feet away looking just as dazed as he felt with bits of forest debris stuck in her hair.
“Do you know where we are?” she asked worriedly.
He shook his head. “I have absolutely no idea. Where’s Horace?”
“Here,” called a surly voice. Horace emerged from a bush, tearing at the branches that were trying to tangle him. A leaf was stuck in his hair and there was a slight cut on his cheek. He looked like he had been crying a moment ago.
“Nice of you to show up. You’re here to bring me back, right?”
John glanced at Elayne. Neither of them said anything. There was a long silence. Horace began to look panicked. “Didn’t my dad send you?” he demanded.
Elayne shook her head. “Your dad’s still out lecturing. It has only been twenty minutes or so since you left. We came after you because we didn’t know what else to do. We left a note for your parents on the counter.”
Horace sagged. “I had hoped my dad had come back early,” he said despondently. He started breathing fast, and his face twisted with emotion. “Why did you have to push me anyway?” he asked shrilly. “It was just a joke and now look at the mess we’re in. What if there are wild animals or cannibals? I’m going to die in some God-forsaken wilderness thanks to you.”
“Firstly,” replied John angrily, “you should be happy we came after you at all. Secondly, you started the whole thing. If you hadn’t been such an obstinate idiot, this never would have happened.”
Horace looked like he was trying to think of a good comeback. His fists were clenched and his face was red. John crossed his arms and gave Horace a daring look. Let him try to get out of this one.
“I wish you were never born!” shouted Horace finally. He looked about to start crying again.
John sniggered. “You’re such a baby. You…”
“Enough!” yelled Elayne, stepping between them. “This isn’t helping our situation. We need to figure out where we are and where we should start heading.”
John exhaled. He would have liked to chew out Horace a little more. “You’re right.” He looked at their surroundings. “Maybe if we climbed this slope we could get a better view of the area.”
“Why don’t you take out the compass,” suggested Elayne.
“That doesn’t really help unless you know in which direction civilization lies,” replied John. Nevertheless, he pulled it out of the bag.
“We could just pick a direction and head along it,” suggested Elayne. “We’re bound to run into someone sooner or later.”
“No,” interjected Horace forcefully. “We can’t leave. My dad will figure out some way to get us back. We just have to make camp here.”
John wasn’t really listening. He was staring intently at the compass. “This is weird,” he muttered. “It can’t seem to find north.”
“You brought a faulty compass?” shrieked Horace. “Are you trying to kill us?”
John threw the compass to the ground. “Shut up and let me think,” he shouted back.
“Better think quickly,” said Elayne dolefully, picking the compass back up and wiping it off. “It’s getting dark.”
True enough, the forest was darker than it had been when they first arrived. John ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. In survival training he’d been taught to stay in one spot until rescue came. But wasn’t that only if someone actually knew where you went missing? He doubted Uncle Andrew could track where they had gone. What were they going to do?
Just then, Elayne grabbed his arm and pointed with wide eyes at something behind him. He spun around, expecting some sort of animal. Instead he found himself looking at a young man a little older than himself. The young man was carrying a bow in his left hand, an arrow notched on the string, but pointing to the ground. He was dressed in brown pants, an off-white linen shirt with a leather jerkin over it, and a green cloak. The colors were such that he blended into the forest quite well, which is why they hadn’t seen him approach. Not that they had been looking. The young man had wavy dark blonde hair that grew to the nape of his neck and a youthful handsome face, but he carried himself with confidence and there was an aura of danger about him. There was a bit of hair on his chin and his eyes were blue and had an intensity and life that one doesn’t often see. Those eyes were fixed on the three of them, studying them with curiousity.
“Are you friend or foe?” asked the stranger quietly. He spoke in a strange accent that tended to soften the words and stretch them out, but nothing like a Texan drawl or an Australian accent.
“I think we’d prefer to be friends,” replied Elayne nervously. John nodded.
“I am glad to hear it. What is your business in these woods?”
“We were teleported here through a science experiment,” explained John. “I know it sounds crazy, but we just came from Workington, England.”
The stranger frowned in puzzlement. “I have never heard of such a place or of such a means of travel.”
Horace snorted. “You don’t know where England is? What planet do you come from?” He stopped and looked suddenly nervous. “You aren’t a terrorist are you?”
The young man did not reply, his face taking on more and more of a perplexed look.
John broke the silence. “We could really use some help. Do you know of some lodging nearby and communications service? Telephone or even mail would be great. I’m sure there will be a reward out soon for our safe return and we can ensure that you are compensated for any trouble you take on our behalf.”
John felt he had put things very well, except that the stern young man still looked as perplexed as ever, if not more perplexed.
Finally the young man spoke. “The safest place would be the my home, the Fortress of Bethsaide. It lies down in the valley.”
“A fortress?” asked Elayne with a start. “Could you please tell us where we are?”
“Not here,” said the young man in a low voice. “We need to be out of these woods before dark and the light is fading as we speak. My father will talk with you once we are in the fortress. Will you follow?”
John nodded and picked up their duffel bag, but Horace grabbed his arm. “I don’t trust him,” he whispered. “He looks like a Soviet rebel who’s hiding out with a poorly equipped group in the forest. He’s probably getting us into coming with him so he can capture us for ransom. Besides, how is my dad supposed to find me if I’m gone off somewhere?”
“He doesn’t act like a rebel,” contradicted Elayne in a low tone. “I’d rather take the risk and end up captured instead of dead.”
“Fine,” muttered Horace. “Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
The armed stranger was already a little ways ahead, watching them impatiently with an occasional glance at the forest around. John wondered what he had meant by having to be out of the woods before dark. When they reached him, the young man led them single file through the forest undergrowth, stepping as surefooted as a deer. John took the rear, trying to mimic his movements and follow the same tracks. At least he was having better success than Horace who was stepping heavily on dry sticks and leaves that snapped and crackled. Still, they kept falling behind and the stranger had to continually wait for them to catch up. John could tell he was becoming more and more agitated by the delays.
It was getting darker. The light took on a reddish tint as the sun dipped below the horizon. Suddenly their leader held up his hand for them to stop. He raised his bow, scanning the lengthening shadows.
“What is it?” whispered Elayne.
“Hush,” replied the young soldier softly.
Elayne glanced back towards John with a worried look. John didn’t know what to make of the situation. Had they landed in a war zone? But where in the world were they? It didn’t seem like any fight zone he’d heard of on the news.
But now was not the time to question. He crouched down. Elayne and Horace did the same. John looked back up the hill from where they’d come, his eyes trying to distinguish objects in the shadows. Nothing moved. All he could hear was a slight breeze rustling the leaves above him.
“I believe it is safe,” whispered the stranger at last. “Hurry.” He got up and darted once more down the hill, weaving his way between the trees.
John got up and followed the others, checking every once in a while over his shoulder. The light was almost gone now and at times he thought he saw something in the shadows. It was probably his imagination playing on his fears.

[familygibbs]

Chapter 2 (continued)

Just then the forest ended. One moment he had been walking between trees and now he was standing on the edge of a vast field of tall golden grass waving in the breeze. A shallow trench ran along the tree line as far as he could see. Dotting that whole expanse of grassland were charred and broken tree stumps and natural pillars of rock - huge monoliths of stone that looked like some giant had randomly deposited them. The whole valley glowed red in the sunset like it was on fire, except for the mountains ahead that were so tall, the sunlight did not touch that side, so that they stood black and jagged against the red sky.
“Is that the fortress?â€

[familygibbs]

John maneuvered the rowboat beside one of the docks. The soldier leapt out with the rope and tied it up. Horace didn’t wait for an invitation, but scrambled out as soon as he could, tilting the boat way to one side before finally getting out. He moved past the cloaked young man, picking at his clothes and brushing himself off. The soldier glanced at Horace with narrowed eyes and then reached for Elayne’s hand to help her out. After she was out, he extended a hand to John. John grabbed it and was startled by the young man’s strength as he was lifted to his feet. He stepped out of the boat, his legs shaking slightly. The soldier put a steady hand on his shoulder.
“Well done,” he said earnestly.
“Thanks,” breathed John, smiling broadly. “I’m John, by the way.” He indicated the other two. “This is my sister Elayne and our cousin Horace.”
The soldier smiled in return. “I am called Adoniram.”
“So Adoniram,” said Horace in an insolent tone, “are you going to tell us where in the world we are or do you expect us to figure it out? I’d also like to know who those enemies were and what you plan to do with us.”
John glared at his cousin. “Shut up, Horace. In case you didn’t realize it, we aren’t on Earth anymore. I suggest you act a little more grateful to the person who just saved our lives if you want any help getting back home.”
Elayne nodded in agreement, giving Horace a stern look.
Horace shook his head. “We can’t be on another planet. It’s completely impossible. There’s just no way…” He trailed off.
John became aware just then of footsteps coming quickly down the stair at the end of the chamber. Shadows flickered in the light and a young man came into view. He rushed towards their group along the wooden pier.
“Adoniram,” he exclaimed. “You were expected back half an hour ago. Who are these strangers?”
The young man was about John’s age. He had long tousled dark hair that was tied loosely back and a thin scar across his cheek. His eyes were brown and his features sharply defined.
Adoniram indicated the three. “I found them in the forest. We came under attack by a small group of Vayans who surrounded us while we were unaware.”
“Where are they from?” inquired the young man. He studied John and the other two with a kind of excited curiousity.
Adoniram shrugged slightly. “They speak of a place I have never heard of. Do you know where my father is?”
The other young man nodded. “He is waiting for you on the first level. I am sure he will be glad to see you are well.”
“I thank you,” said Adoniram. “We will go to him immediately.” He started toward the stair leading up, motioning John and the others to follow. The dark haired young man followed behind. The stair was quite narrow with just enough space for two people to walk abreast. It spiraled up through the rock with some of the bluish lights placed at regular intervals along it. The sides were of roughly chiseled stone with mortar filling up the larger cracks.
John began the walk up the steep steps, his legs already protesting. Eventually they came to an alcove in the stair where a winch sat with chains leading down through the rock. A window above the winch looked out through several feet of stone to the dock. The young man behind them stepped up to the winch and released a latch on the side. The chain started unwinding and John could hear the noise of something metallic grinding in the distance. Apparently this was the mechanism by which the iron grate leading into the harbour was raised and lowered. John paused for a second to watch, then caught up to the others.
They ended up stopping again when Horace sat down, panting furiously.
“How long is this damned stair?” asked Horace weakly.
Adoniram turned around and gave Horace a hard look. “That is not a word to be used lightly.”
Horace rolled his eyes. “You mean ‘damned’? What are you, the swearing police?”
Adoniram stepped past Elayne and hauled Horace to his feet. “Only a fool would speak of eternal death so flippantly or purposely anger a stronger man,” he said dangerously.
Horace’s eyes widened. “Got it,” he gulped. “I won’t say it again.”
Adoniram let him go and walked back up the stair. Horace rubbed his arm where Adoniram had grabbed him.
“At least I won’t say it around him,” he added in a low voice.
“I told you not to pick a fight with him,” said John.
Horace shot him a dirty look, but didn’t reply.
They continued the trek up the stair. Eventually the rough stone sides were replaced by smooth, well fitting stones. Even the stair was nicely chiseled instead of notched and pitted. They were inside the pillar now. Soon they came to the base of the black metal sphere. The stairs were now of wood and continued up through a stairwell to a floor above them. Beneath the floor till where the metal sides of the sphere curved up to meet it was a kind of crawlspace with sacks and tools and crates of stuff.
They emerged from the stair into a large square open space that stretched far above them to higher levels. There was an open kitchen at one end of the level they were on with a laundry area to the side. On the other side were numerous long tables set with plates and cutlery. Behind him was a large room with a closed door. There was a hoist near the kitchen area and within the square space were cables that went far above them up to the highest level of the fortress.
John tilted his head back as far as he could and followed the cables up the square space to where he could see the very top of the metal sphere. There was a hole in it that was covered by a canvas and was probably intended to let daylight in. From the top of the sphere he could count five levels including the one he was on. Four pillars on each corner of the square open space and crossbeams supported the upper levels. The level just above him was mostly closed off with small windows in the walls lining the square space. The only open places on that level were at the corners where the supporting pillars passed by. The third and fifth levels were open with a railing running along the entire edge. That was a good thing since it was a long ways to fall from the fifth level to the floor he was standing on. The fourth level was a partial level that only took about one third of the area the other levels took up. Where the fourth level ended was a large gap between the third and fifth levels.
What really drew John’s attention, however, was something suspended from chains in the middle of the square space parallel to the third level. It was a cage of sorts that held something glassy that pulsed with light as if it were alive.
He couldn’t analyze it more, though, for at that moment a broad shouldered man strode up to them, calling his attention. The man’s hair was light brown, streaked with grey, and his eyes were a similar blue to Adoniram’s. A full beard concealed part of his face - a serious face lined with numerous scars. He surveyed the three of them up and down with a look of wonder.
“Adoniram,” said the fortress commander in a booming voice. “I am glad you are back. Who are these strangers?”
Adoniram indicated John, Elayne, and Horace. “I found no trace of Abijah, but I did find these people wandering in the forest. They…”
“We’re from England,” interrupted Horace. “If you could get me in contact with my dad, I could arrange a reward for finding me. You must have a radio or phone somewhere.”
John wished he had a muzzle for his cousin. He saw Adoniram glare at Horace in frustration. The fortress commander, however, stroked his beard thoughtfully. “This is most peculiar,” he said in a low voice, almost to himself. He looked at the three of them closely. “You are not Vayans, so I can only assume you are from some distant, unheard of land. Or did you come through the tunnel?” he asked.
Horace rolled his eyes. “That would be one crazy long tunnel. No, we were teleported here, wherever here is.”
“Horace, how many times do I have to tell you that we are not on Earth?” growled John.
Horace was silent for a second. John knew Horace was going to deny the facts as long as possible. “Come on, John. What are the chances that the teleporter was set up at just the right trajectory with enough energy to blast us lightyears away to some planet? The probability is immensely slim.”
John agreed, but the evidence indicated that that was indeed what had happened. There was no use denying it. “Did you look around? I’m telling you this isn’t Earth.”
John noticed Adoniram glance at his father questioningly. The fortress commander was silent for a minute. Finally he spoke. “This England you speak of sounds familiar to me. I believe it was a place of importance in the world of our ancestors. Perhaps you mistakenly stumbled upon one of the portals between the two worlds.”
Horace looked aghast. “You have got to be kidding!”
Elayne shot a glare at Horace. “What my cousin means to say,” she said, “Is that he is curious about this tunnel you mentioned. This world of your ancestors could be Earth and it….”
The fortress commander raised his hand to stop her. “I can see that there are many more questions to come. I am afraid I do not have time to answer them, however, as I must soon oversee the preparations in case of an attack. I am taking my meal with Adoniram now, though, if you wish to join us. I can talk for a short while there.”
All three of them nodded. What else were they going to do?

[familygibbs]

The commander pointed to the kitchen area. “Then get a bowl of soup and join me in the room beyond.”
John and Elayne followed Adoniram into the kitchen area. Horace didn’t follow.
“What about…” began Horace.
The commander cut him off. “Go,” he barked. That sent him rushing to obey. John smiled to himself as he watched Horace hurry up to them. If nothing else, he would learn how to keep his mouth shut around these men. He turned back to Adoniram who was ladling stew into five clay bowls from a huge pot. When he was done, he passed them around to each of them. The fortress commander opened the door to the room at the other end of the level and ushered them inside.
The room was starkly furnished with a long wooden table, bookshelf, chest, and straight-backed chairs. There were no carvings in the wood or anything fancy. It was all about practicality. The curving side of the metal spherical shell made up the back wall of the room. Several light fixtures were on the walls around the room, all with a single bluish crystal light inside. The table was set with a bowl of vegetables, a bowl of fruit, and a loaf of bread. A plain, unlit candelabrum stood in the center.
Adoniram’s father set some chairs along one side of the table for the three of them. John set his bowl down and took a seat with Elayne on his other side. Horace sat down sulkily beside Elayne and slurped at his soup. Adoniram meanwhile took a seat on the other side of the table to the right of his father. The commander took a few spoons of stew before addressing the three of them.
“My name is Herran and I have commanded this fortress since the day it was finished, near twenty years ago. This fortress guards the pass from the Valley of Bethsaide to the Dunland Valley and the road to Yns Traves. We are two days walk from the nearest settlement and three days from the next fortress, meaning we must fend for ourselves. Currently we are on food rations because of the possibility of an enemy siege and because the supply caravan has been cut off. You will likely be staying with us for a time and that means you will be on the same rations as everyone else. While you are with us, you will abide by my command. Stealing supplies is punishable by the rod across the back and disrespect towards an officer is rewarded with an unpleasant chore. Is this clear to all of you?”
John and Elayne nodded. Horace twitched and made a face at his soup. John wondered what ‘unpleasant chore’ meant. Probably emptying containers of refuse or washing pots. From what he had seen, there didn’t seem to be running water, so sanitation was probably an issue. He was pretty sure he’d seen a hand pump and some piping leading somewhere, but that seemed to be the extent of things.
Herran dunked a piece of bread in his stew. “Now what are your questions?”
“What is that object suspended in the middle of the fortress?” asked John quickly. His curiosity about the new world was warring with his fear about being stranded in it.
“That is a Power Crystal,” answered Herran. “It stores energy from sunlight and causes all ordinary quartz crystals to shine. It has other effects too, but it is mainly used for lighting. It works within a mile from the fortress. Larger crystals have longer distances.”
“Wow,” said John. “That is really fascinating. So the bluish lights are actually just quartz crystals. The Power Crystal must emit some kind of frequency…”
Elayne cut him off before he could continue. “Could you please tell us more about this tunnel you mentioned?” she asked. “Does it connect the worlds?”
The fortress commander leaned forward and folded his hands on the table. “That is what is believed,” he replied. “No one is certain because the location of the tunnel has been lost to common knowledge and few have bothered to look for it. The only records that mention it are the old Ailrish ones dating back hundreds of years and they are not very specific as to the location. Most of the people now living in this land came through the portal on the ocean two hundred years ago, but even that is difficult to find as it appears only as a shimmer over the surface of the water.”
John frowned. It looked as if they would have to go hunting for these portals. From the sounds of it, it was going to be difficult and they would need whatever help they could get.
“I wonder if anyone in our world has even discovered these portals?” mused John. “I would think people have traversed most of the globe by now. I can’t really imagine there being too many unexplored caves or locations for a portal on earth.”
Horace snorted. “I bet the Americans already discovered it and are keeping it a secret.”
John rolled his eyes. “You and your conspiracy theories.”
Elayne cut in again before Horace could come up with a response. “Could you please tell us more about the Vayans?” she asked the commander. “What are they and why are they your enemies?”
The fortress commander stared at the table thoughtfully. “Where to begin?” he murmured. He was silent for a minute and then he looked up at the three of them. “The Vayans are a little known people. They have dwelt in this world since long before our ancestors came. They inhabit the underground caverns of the land over the northern mountains. A Vayan can see where there is little light to see by. Their eyes are larger than yours or mine and their irises are dark, almost black. They have pale skin and black hair and they speak in a harsh, guttural language. The Vayans are said to practice dark arts and sacrifice people to their god of chaos. Few have been able to reach the Vayans and return to tell about it. When they attack, they do so under cover of darkness where they have the advantage. They are skilled at ambushes and have no honour in the way they do battle. We have tried in the past to storm their caverns, but they would always hide and pick off our numbers one by one.”
Horace had paused in his noisy eating to listen to the last part. He guffawed loudly. “All you’d need to beat them is some canisters of nerve gas, some smoke bombs, and explosives in general.”
Herran gave him a long look. “Do you have any of these?” he asked.
Horace shook his head. “If you brought me back to Earth I might be able to get you some.”
John scoffed. “Those things aren’t exactly over the counter commodities. Try thinking next time before speaking.”
Horace sneered. “It would work and you know it. It’s not my fault these people are so primitive…”
Elayne cut him off angrily. “Adoniram and his father are trying to help us and you are being completely rude. I want to hear more about this world we’re in instead of arguing about something we have no power over anyway.”
“Hear, hear,” called John. “Now if Horace will shut up, we can keep listening to what the commander has to say.” He turned back to Herran. “Sorry.”
The fortress commander looked cross. John didn’t blame him. He just hoped Herran wouldn’t decide to kick them out of the fortress. The commander took a breath and continued.
“The Vayans were not a large threat until the Dark Lord came almost thirty years ago. He was once one of our people - the brother of the Lord Davrimon who rules this land. His name was Obseidon. They were both sons of a blacksmith and an Ailrish mother in a small village outside of CorVallant by the southern sea. Obseidon was the oldest of the two, more ambitious, and stronger. Yet it was Davrimon who was chosen to be the next king.”
“Why was he chosen?” asked Elayne curiously.
“When the previous king was old, Elohim came to him in a dream. He told the king to appoint Davrimon as his successor.”
“Elohim?” asked John. “You mean God?”
“Yes,” replied Herran. “Not just a god, but the one true God, the Creator of the universe, and the Savior of mankind.”
John glanced at Elayne uncomfortably. Both of them had grown up as atheists. Religion was just a bunch of traditions and one didn’t need it to be a good person. Obviously this world was still living in the old ways. That would make sense considering the people came to this world two hundred years ago. They were probably Christians out of principle more than anything else and would still have all the superstitions that came along with it.

[familygibbs]

The commander continued. “When the coronation was held, the Dark Lord didn’t come. He gathered a group of followers and disappeared into the area where the Vayans lived. For many years he didn’t appear. Then evil began stirring in those lands and the Vayans, who had always hidden away underground, began to attack villages and raid farms. Their numbers increased rapidly under the command of Obseidon until he had a legion of savages. A high tower was built for him out of black stone near the Vayans’ caverns. From there he planned out his battles and raids.’
‘It did not go well for him, though. A large threat sat on his borders - the people known as the Ailrish. The Ailrish too came to this world hundreds of years before our people. Unlike the Vayans, however, they knew of Elohim. The Ailrish were the first to mine the Power Crystals and determine their use. They were a race of skilled fighters, scholars, and craftsmen. Many of them lived to be over a hundred years old. But like many other civilizations that have grown great, they became proud. They forsook Elohim and His wrath fell upon them. This happened a hundred years before the people came through the ocean portal. When they arrived, there was only a few hundred Ailrish left in their capital city of Ailra. The other cities, like Osra, had all been deserted.
Their next king, though, was a good man. He rebuilt his nation and led them back to the truth. Ailra held out against Obseidan and his armies for many years even though their numbers were still relatively few. Eighteen years ago, the Dark Lord decided to be rid of the Ailrish. He gathered all the Vayans and attacked in what is known as the Great Battle. The Vayans lost ten times as many as the Ailrish, but still the enemy kept coming. The ruler of the Ailrish at that time was King Atherron. He fought Obseidon on the battlefield and stabbed him with the Cormund sword - a weapon that, for mysterious reasons, will sometimes radiate with some of the glory of Elohim. Atherron, however, perished on the battlefield. The Cormund sword was lost and the Ailrish were defeated but for a few that escaped or who were already living among the people of this land. The Vayans took control of all the territory over the northern mountains, though they sustained heavy losses to do it. It was thought the Dark Lord was dead, but it seems he isn’t for the Vayans are still growing in power. Either that or one of his followers has taken his place. Now it seems they are planning to raid this land, though whether it is a full attack is impossible to know.”
“Why didn’t Elohim stop the Dark Lord?” asked John pointedly. He knew why. It was because there was no God. Dreams and plagues could be explained naturally, just like the Power Crystal. God was an excuse people used when they couldn’t explain something.
Herran just smiled slightly as if he could read John’s mind. “I have seen too much in my own life to doubt the power of Elohim. I know that everything works out for his glory in the end.”
John sighed slightly. He thought he’d get an answer like this.
The fortress commander finished his stew with his last bit of bread and got to his feet. “I must leave you now. You two young men will stay in Adoniram’s room tonight.” He turned to his son. “Adoniram, you will need to supply them with weapons and find a suitable room for the young lady. Remember that the officers and I are meeting tonight to discuss our next course of action and your presence is required. Until that time, you may take these strangers with you as you do your duties.”
Adoniram’s face showed no hint of whether he was happy or not with this arrangement. “Yes, father,” he said simply.
Herran strode from the room with long swift strides. He was out the door within a few seconds.
John let his breath out in a long sigh. He suddenly felt overwhelmed. Much had happened and he had so many questions. Learning about this world had only raised more questions. Then there was, of course, the ever-pressing possibility that they might be attacked within the next day. Or what if the enemy decided instead to lay siege to them so that they couldn’t get out for months? He wasn’t usually one to worry, but this was a grim situation, not quite everyday stuff. He finished his supper slowly, his appetite gone.