I plan to update this thread here and there with things I have learned and experienced, if that is okay. I'm copying this from my myspace page, which is what I wrote this up for. I used to type out this very, very long story when I told people about my past, and it was nearly impossible to read in one sitting, so I made it shorter, by removing much of the parts about me feeling horrible in the past and all the stuff I went through, because it isn't about that, even though the past was not fun, it was something I had to go through to get stronger... to know Him better... to learn how to control my emotions through trust and prayer. I don't know all the reasons for everything that has happened, but that is why I include the word "mystery" when I talk about Faith... a good mystery, the kind I don't mind not being able to solve every bit of... you know? Here is my story.
God is full of good mysteries... are you content on knowing that everything about Him cannot be understood?... or do you instead prefer to only listen to things in this world that can be understood in your human mind?
I'm 20 and saying things about myself is not my strong point, but I will say what is more important to me than anything... that is God. I used to suffer from depression, anxiety(mostly social anxiety, but some other forms as well), panic attacks and the like... it was horrible, I felt scared at the start of it all, then after going through it for so long I became numb, going to so many doctors, having many testings done, being stuck with needles, given countless meds that did nothing at all for me... maybe made me a little sleepy, but my pain was not gone. I felt the same... I would come to moments where I thought I was getting better, then I would fall again. I was out of church and had no friends... the ones I had, they were busy and I was unable to see them over that time period... they would have been my only Christian support, as I was far away from God then. I have told this story to many, and I could go on with an endless amount of text with the experiences I had a few years ago, but the important thing is, that I just felt the need to start praying... so that is what I did, all the time... no one was telling me I need Jesus, no one was "brainwashing" me as a lot of people say that Christian leaders do... I just felt something, so I acted with the last bit of hope I had. I started getting better, however I messed up and turned from Him as soon as I was doing better, I was telling others that I was a Christian and God saved me from all the pain, but I was not close to Him yet, so I went back to doing what I wanted... not what God wanted. I fell again, I could not make up my mind about things... all was going wrong in my life and around me, until I just gave up, rededicated my life to God and started on my journey of knowing Him.
I have made mistakes since I rededicated my life to God... I continue to be a sinner like everyone else, but now I am trying... I hate to know that each sin is hurting Him. I know He gave everything for me, and sometimes I can't even give Him 10 minutes of prayer... sometimes I can't even talk to Him, because I get so stuck on what I want to do. I'm still at struggle with that, but I know that God knows me now... I mean, He has always known who I am, but He never knew me from a speaking to sense... lots of people know God, even the unsaved know of God, they just don't think He is real... but does God know you? I try to speak to Him as much as I pray to Him... you can't limit God to just prayer a few minutes a day.
I used to get involved in debates over proof... you know, getting in to the whole roman gods debates and so forth, the people that would argue that Christianity is a copy of all that, give their version of proof, then I would see the Christian version of proof... it was so confusing. There were the debates over how accurate the Bible is, evolution and pretty much everything there is to debate, I was in on it, filling my mind with endless amounts of confusion... however, now I have matured and I have embraced the mindset that their will always be debates, most of them leading to no one getting saved, to nothing being proved... and even if a debate against God... someone showed any "proof", I will not care... I know God is real, I was pulled out of all my pain, He has listened to all and answered many of my prayers... I have seen Him working in my life. I think many others could see Him working in their life if they stopped for a moment, and paid attention to Him... some may say it was my mind playing tricks on me... some may have some kind of scientific "proof" for it, but in the end, I will never stop loving God, I will never lose my Faith. I KNOW He is real.
I believe that until the last days, that many versions of proof will come up and the devil will always have his ways of pulling you in to the wonder of who we are, where we came from and the hundreds of different views of it all... all leading you to thinking you are living the right way. The devil's best tool is getting people to think he is not real and that what your mind is being filled with by the world is truth. I'm sure that if many read what I wrote, I would get called a sheep who listened to too many Christian leaders, who only care about power and mind control... or that maybe I am an American republican who has been brainwashed... well, truthfully I don't belong to the left or right. I'd never call myself a Republican or Democrat. Never.
I think it all comes down to mystery for me... there are some things about God that I do not understand, but I see that as a good thing. I feel peace in knowing that He is too big for my mind. I don't feel I need to know everything anymore... I just need Him in my life. I'm just a Christian, no other words to define me. I don't belong to any denomination or any political party and I like it that way. I have found some Churches, normally non-denominational ones that I feel at home in... places where everyone is welcome and no one is looked down on. I don't expect the Church to be perfect, but I expect people to admit when they are sinners and not act high and mighty/above everyone else.
Trust, trust, trust... place your trust in God, and He will guide you. The only time I fall, is when I don't trust Him!
I hope that gives a little info about who I am. Want to know anything else? Just ask! I don't want to bore you with all the other stuff about me, so I will leave it at this.
"Theology is our attempt to capture God in the butterfly net of our minds. But, of course, He's too wild for that. In one of the great ironies of faith, the more we try to pin God down, the less spiritual we become. When we try to comprehend Him, to package Him up and explain Him to the world, we diminish ourselves. After all, no one has ever been moved to tears by reading someone's resume. To really get to know a person, you get together for a cup of coffee or a bratwurst on the back deck. You become friends by sharing your hopes and dreams, your passions and fears, your heartaches and wounds and secret little embarrassing moments, not by studying someone's transcripts, work history, or dental records. Yet when it comes to getting to know God, for some reason Christians all too often try to break Him down into bite-sized pieces that fit neatly into one-page doctrinal statements and three-point sermons. We call it systematic theology, but the problem is, theology isn't systematic. It's narrarive. God isn't a subject to be studied; He's a Person to be encountered. That's why the Bible is the story of God and not the lesson about God. The minute we try to draw lines through the story to explain it all in easy-to-digest morsels, it unravels. You can never experience the full flavor of a story by dissecting it; you experience it only by devouring it with the wide-open mouth of your soul. God isn't an algebra problem to be solved. He is the heartbeat of the universe. I find that when I honestly explore God's story, I don't often come away with a neat package of spiritual answers. Usually I end up with more questions than ever--but more comfort too. I think those on the road to understanding are the curious souls, the questioning ones, the childlike. But the people with all the answers haven't even laced up their boots to begin the journey." - Steven James "Sailing Between the Stars"
