Aegis Emblem

[Anna Mae]

The wisp was so close to my nose, I could feel the tiny hairs on it stand up from the wisp’s aura. I squinted from the bright light and turned my head away.

The first time through I thought the hairs belonged to the wisp. You might want to rephrase that.

Barefoot on the cold tile floor, I ran with, strange new agility, down the gray-walled corridor, following the direction of the fizzing noise.

Whoa, watch the comma usage.

I stared at him as he walked off. Sheesh, he’s so arrogant.

“Oh, Hawthorne sent me to summon you,” he said walking off.

Use a different verb the second time.

I would have gotten ride of you long ago.

rid

In his black-gloved hands converged a sword from a flurry of black, writhing aura.

Was someone using the thesaurus again?

The black falcon swiftly rose into the air, circled around the descending bird, as if taunting it. Circling over the clearing, it inspected me for one last time, then whizzed away.

Don't use the verb "to circle" twice in such close proximity.

Without waiting for an answer, he threw himself down onto the grassy floor, with silent, contained rage.

???
I'm having trouble visualizing this. Perhaps you could specify his position more. At first glance it seemed as if he was having a quiet temper tantrum.

Clod. Clod. Clod. Clod. Our footsteps echoed throughout the dark hall, lit by glass sphere lamps identical to those in the dais room.

BWAH HA HA HA HA HA! *wipes eyes* Sorry, but I was not expecting "clod" for your onomatopoeia.

“These are the Aegi who have passed on,” informed Hawthorne.

Your use of "informed" doesn't sound correct. I would say, "Hawthorne informed me."


Anyway, there have certainly been some interesting developments. Keep it up.

[USSRGirl]

T___T Anna... all those typos I didn't see make me want to hit you over the head with a thesaurus.

XD

[~darkelfgirl~]

Whoaaaaa!! YIKES!!!!

I so wasn't expecting that. Yeh.........I been using the thesaurus--a little.....hehehe OK, a lot! I just had a lack of better words lately....

Hehe, I was seriously not thinking when I used "clod".
Thanks Anna--for having such sharp eyes, hehe ^^! So much for my AP Englishness....

[USSRGirl]

For the record, I actually liked the "clod" thing. XD It was different sounding and brought character into the action in my opinion. And reminded me of the noise my neo-nazi boots make when stepping in rain puddles... uh... yeah... just forget that disturbing look into Temulin's personal life. Um... I'm gonna... leave now.

[~darkelfgirl~]

For the record, I actually liked the "clod" thing. XD It was different sounding and brought character into the action in my opinion. And reminded me of the noise my neo-nazi boots make when stepping in rain puddles... uh... yeah... just forget that disturbing look into Temulin's personal life. Um... I'm gonna... leave now.

Uhh...yeah...

Oh the clod thing? Isn't clod an insult? That's probably why Anna Mae was laughing, hehe.

To Everyone: I apologize if I take long to post the rest of Aegis....I'm back in the torture zone (a.k.a school).

[USSRGirl]

Oh yeah, but I think it's also a verb/sound? O.o;; *Gets confused*

Post when you can get a break from the torturous abyss of schoolishness.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Oh yeah, but I think it's also a verb/sound? O.o;; *Gets confused*

Post when you can get a break from the torturous abyss of schoolishness.

According to the AP English Lit teachers, breaks don't exist. *sigh* When it rains, it pours XD

[Anna Mae]

T___T Anna... all those typos I didn't see make me want to hit you over the head with a thesaurus.

XD

*scampers away from thesaurus-wielding USSRGirl*

Re:clod
Well, it's just that I'm used to hearing "clod" used to refer to a clod of dirt; but hey, that doesn't mean you have to change it. Laughter just happened to be my first response.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Hehe, whatever you say Anna Mae. After the long delay, I have come back today. Here's some more Aegis, ok?


My heart sank.

However, I was also in awe. Gaping, I bent down and gingerly picked up the fragments of my sword. I carefully turned them over in my hands, examining the damage.

[font=Times New Roman][size=100][color=seagreen]“Wonderful, but you have room for improvement,â€

[~darkelfgirl~]

Konichiwa (I think that's how it's spelled)! Well, here's the last updates for the week (maybe...)! Enjoy ^^


The cold night breeze rustled my cloak, which I tightened to keep myself warm. I walked on what appeared to be glass. The surface rippled as my leather shoes made contact.


Water.


It seemed as if this sea stretched for miles…probably eternity.

I was heading for the end—for solid ground. Eyes kept on the horizon, I proceeded in a trance, unconcerned of my surroundings.


A child’s laugh.


[font=Times New Roman][size=100][color=seagreen]“Ha, ha! You can’t catch me!â€

[~darkelfgirl~]

Whoa...I apologize for the spacing of the last post. I'm not going to space it out anymore...that's just a waste of space, hehe ^^


The sharp smell of smoke reached my nostrils.
Orange and yellow danced in the night. Fire.
They were growing—larger and more menacing…
I was in a grass field—to my horror, the same one as the previous vision…
To my dismay, the cottage was ablaze also. I heard shrieks and screams… and yells of glee that made me shiver.
[font=Times New Roman][size=100][color=seagreen]“See how they fear? Haha!â€

[~darkelfgirl~]

This is probably the last update for the week. Enjoy ^^

When I opened them, I was in a dark room.
On three cots lay the children. The teenage boy and the girl were deep asleep, but the young boy was wide awake, lying on his side.
His pillow was tear-stained.
The door creaked open. A black silhouette entered and made its way across the room. Behind it, two silhouettes stood outside the doorway.
The black silhouette walked across the room, stopping at the beds of the teenage boy and the girl. He kissed their foreheads.
The young boy paid no attention to it.
The silhouette finally approached him. It became visible to me.
Father.
His silver hair brushed his son’s cheek as he planted a final kiss on his forehead, then ruffled his son’s hair.
[font=Times New Roman][size=100][color=seagreen]“Goodbye, my Arden. Take care of your brother and sister for me.â€

[USSRGirl]

Updates! Yay! >.< I know, these things never give you enough room so it all gets mushed together without spacing. Annoying.

Oh wow, Arden's backstory is so sad. You captured his emotion really well when his mother dies. I could totally picture it all happening. Also, I loved your imagery with the sea of glass he's walking on and the specter. Oooh... I have a guess about where his father went to.

The comma use here sounded funny to me for some reason: "Five man-like, gray beasts towered over four figures huddled, in terror, in the grass."

Could be right though. I'm not sure. I love the name of Arden's new sword too. Aukiriva sounds so mystical.

... Arden doesn't like turnips?! Shame on him!! That part made me laugh, because I happen to be one of the few weird people who loves turnips.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Updates! Yay! >.< I know, these things never give you enough room so it all gets mushed together without spacing. Annoying.

Oh wow, Arden's backstory is so sad. You captured his emotion really well when his mother dies. I could totally picture it all happening. Also, I loved your imagery with the sea of glass he's walking on and the specter. Oooh... I have a guess about where his father went to.

The comma use here sounded funny to me for some reason: "Five man-like, gray beasts towered over four figures huddled, in terror, in the grass."

Could be right though. I'm not sure. I love the name of Arden's new sword too. Aukiriva sounds so mystical.

... Arden doesn't like turnips?! Shame on him!! That part made me laugh, because I happen to be one of the few weird people who loves turnips.

Thanks Temmy!

Yeh, that sentence does sound strange. Gotta check that...

Hehe, I love making names.

Ew. Turnips? (hehe, I never tried them)

[USSRGirl]

X__x;; *Realizing like a day later as usual* Oh right, I actually meant radishes, not turnips. *Wanders off confused*

[Esoteric]

Still reading... just not much to say right now except that you've obviously been very busy writing!

[~darkelfgirl~]

X__x;; *Realizing like a day later as usual* Oh right, I actually meant radishes, not turnips. *Wanders off confused*

Well, I honestly can't tell the difference. *shrugs*

Still reading... just not much to say right now except that you've obviously been very busy writing!

Hehe, good to hear that! Well...I'm thinking about where I want to storyline to go daily, but as for writing, I do that on Saturdays now
-_-.

[Anna Mae]

At my feet, the clear, still water shimmered. On its glassy surface, a young boy appeared. His bronze, wavy hair danced as he ran back and forth, through high green grass.

So Arden is seeing this beneath the water, or as a reflection in it?

My surroundings became white, and then changed into the scene.

Weird phrasing. I'm not quite sure what you mean.

evanesced

Thesaurus again? While the thesaurus is a useful tool, don't stretch too far beyond your normal vocabulary or it will sound odd.

I clawed through the dark water, my hands slow and laden.

Do you mean leaden? Laden would mean that he's holding something.

Five man-like, gray beasts towered over four figures huddled, in terror, in the grass.

This didn't strike me when I read this the first time, but in retrospect the commas around "in terror" aren't needed. Then, I would change the second "in" to "on" to avoid using the same preposition twice. Unless, of course, the grass is so tall that they are actually in it.

Interesting developments. I look forward to finding out what is going on.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Thanks Anna Mae ^^

For the first question, he's seeing this as a reflection.

Yeh, I really gotta be careful with the thesaurus--it's just that I use the same words over and over (like "said" and "changed"), hehe.

Thanks for the critiques! Gotta fix those parts...I've been procrastinating ^^'

[~darkelfgirl~]

Well, here's another update. There might be another one later today if you want to read more. Hehe, there's going to be a huge update on Monday (since it's a holiday over here). Just letting you know^^. I can't believe I've gotten so far on this story--I mean, I've never gotten so far on a story before, hehe. Thank God. I've been praying a lot for inspiration and the desire to keep working on this. Hehe, sorry for the long side-note. P.S.: Etheri is a class (made by me) of fairies, elves, and similar creatures.


I jolted awake in panic.
Cold sweat beaded and tingled on my forehead and my breaths were fast pants, as if I had been running. My heart raced wildly and throbbed in my ears.
The moon cast an eerie light through the rippling curtains in the night breeze. I sat upright in bed, mulling over the nightmare.
It’s getting worse.
The cool breeze sent shivers through my body; I pulled the soft wool covers over my arms to warm me…
Fizz.
A soft, familiar crackling noise caused the hair on the back of my neck to rise.
Fizz…
It came from the door…
Realizing the source of the noise, I quickly slid down in bed and pulled the covers up to my face.
A bluish-white spot expanded in size on the surface of the black-wood door, then bulged out. From the protection of the covers, I observed as the orb detached itself from the door.
The wisp.
It floated in midair for a moment, its luminescence lighting the entire room.
I slowly breathed, pretending I was in a deep sleep. I was waiting for the right moment…
In an instant, the wisp zoomed to me. I quickly shut my eyes. It lingered in front of my face as if scrutinizing…
“Hyah!”
I threw the covers over the wisp, my heart racing wildly with excitement and nervousness.
Did I get it?
Fizzes and hisses of fright and shock confirmed my catch. Fighting wildly, the captured wisp dragged me off the bed onto the cold tile floor, knocking the air out of me with a thud.
I lay on top of the covers, trying to prevent its escape.
At first, I thought I heard a muffled voice from inside. Paying no attention to it, I continued wrestling with the wisp.
“Ha! I have you now!” I yelled in triumph.
A mysterious chime.
Without warning, the bundle instantly grew in size, sending me rolling across the floor.
I lay low in caution and fear, staring warily at the rising bundle. Out of the sheets, a head emerged.
A head with hair as white as snow, eyes as green as a peridot gem, and long pointed ears…
“GAAH! A girl?!” I shrieked in disbelief and confusion.
With blinking eyes, she gazed at me.
“I’m…sorry…” I gaped, wide-eyed.
“Who…what are you?”
She cocked her head to the side, as if pondering the question, then gave a warm smile. She stood up, and the covers fell off.
Her long white hair, which flowed like water, fell to her waist. She was clad in a thin, translucent tunic. Over this garment she wore a white bodice. Her trousers were loose except at the waist and ankles, giving them a balloonish-look. The hems of her outfit were trimmed with spidery lace. Adorning her neck was a silver necklace with a silver-leaf pendant. Her feet were bare, and her face radiated an unspeakable aura of beauty. On her forehead was a silver circlet, etched with thin, spidery flourishes.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Her gem-like, green eyes twinkled with laughter.
“Who am I? What am I?”
Something fluttered behind her back at a rapid speed, then slowed to reveal the answer to my question.
Small, delicate butterfly-like wings with spidery veins.
A fairy!
“Yes,” she laughed, seeing my stunned expression.
“I am called Tayli in this world.”
She floated up in bliss.
“I know your name. It’s Arden, am I right?”
I nodded in reply, unable to speak.
“You’re so funny and clumsy.”
I blushed in embarrassment.
“Hehe, it’s so entertaining to watch you Aegi—Hawthorne is so wise, and Blanc is the sarcastic and handsome one,” she giggled. “He’s so serious.”
She stopped and stared questioningly at me.
“What’s wrong? Never seen Etheri before? Oops, I guess I shouldn’t have surprised you like that. Then again, things get a little boring around here.”
She flew to me, and helped me to my feet.
“Thanks,” I muttered, looking away. My face burned.
“Sorry for the tackle,” I apologized, looking away.
She floated down to the floor.
She was almost my height, and judging by her appearance, she seemed to be my age in fairy years.
“Apology accepted.”
“So…you’re a fairy. Why are you here in Fallienne? Well, I don’t mean to intrude on your business--“
“Oh, that’s perfectly fine. I’m the caretaker of Fallienne.”
Caretaker?
“Who do you think provides the food for your every meal? Hawthorne and Blanc don’t cook,” She giggled.
“Not that I cook—I use my gifts for other things.”
She looked inquiringly at me.
“I came to check on you. You’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately—you and Blanc.”
I looked away, a frown upon my face.
So she knows.
“Oh, I’m sorry…if I…” She trailed.
“That’s ok. It’s been happening for longer than I can remember…It’s nothing I guess.” I shrugged.
Tayli’s eyebrows furrowed, a look of concern upon her beautiful face. “It must be something. A ghost of your past…”
A faint, golden ray of light poured through the window.
Head hung low, I gazed at it, trying to hide my sadness.
She followed my eyes to the light.
“Sunrise!” She gasped in sudden realization.
In an instant, she became a sphere of bluish-white light, and then darted for the door.
“Huh?” I watched as she flew through.
“Hey, wait!” I followed, twisting the knob and yanking open the door—
“Whoa!”
I pulled myself back.
Hand in midair as if he was about to knock.
Blanc.
He raised an eyebrow.
“Did you see that?” I asked.
“See what?” He gave me a blank stare.
“Oh…chasing lights, again?”
“It’s not just a wisp, it’s a fairy.”
“Oh, so you finally met Tayli, the Artisan.”

[USSRGirl]

Yay updatedness! Oooh I really like the new character Tayli! XD The part where Arden first tackles her is so funny. Can she only assume her fairy form at night? Also, are all wisps Etheri in disguise?

I can't wait for more updates! So Blanc has nightmares too huh....

[~darkelfgirl~]

Thanks Temulin XD!

Oh, she can assume fairy form whenever she pleases. She just had to be somewhere at sunrise...which I can't say yet. Well, the only Etheri that can change into wisps are fairies, hehe.

Update coming right up! Yeh...he does. The source of them will be revealed very soon!

[~darkelfgirl~]

This is going to be a very loong update. Just letting you know, hehe.

So Tayli crafted Aukiriva!
In deep thought, I tore off a piece of bread from a loaf and placed cheese on it.
She’s the Artisan!? Of the Aegi!
Hawthorne and Blanc ate quietly next to me. All meals were like this—awkward and silent. I was used to it.
Actually, it was amusing to me. We were forced to dwell with one another, yet we could not make casual conversation together.
Oh brother. I sighed without thinking.
They looked up towards me with questioning glances.
My face tingled.
[font=Times New Roman][size=100][color=seagreen]“Oh, nothing…just thinking…â€

[~darkelfgirl~]

Leaden with new weight, I trod slowly into the courtyard.
Hawthorne and Blanc, clad in identical armor—the silver armor of the Aegi—and hooded cloaks, waited patiently as I approached.
When Blanc saw me, he looked as if he was holding back laughter; he turned his head away from my direction. Hawthorne, with humor in his eyes, said,
[font=Times New Roman][size=100][color=seagreen]“You’ll get accustomed to the armor’s weight faster than a normal person—as soon as you start training.â€

[~darkelfgirl~]

When the tension cleared, their swords were still pressed against each other; their glared with unwavering fierceness into each other’s eyes.
They released their stance and whispered to each other.
Blanc spun his sword by his side, intently listening to Hawthorne’s words.
He nodded.
I curiously watched them.
[size=100][font=Times New Roman][color=seagreen] “Now it’s your turn, Arden,â€

[USSRGirl]

Ah! Another Blanc seen! Hehe, he's so smooth. He actually sounds like a nice guy despite the whole sword-breaking thing though. I wonder what made him so reserved? Something connected to the nightmares maybe? Can't wait to read more! I'd try to find grammatical errors but my brain has been sapped by trig. Didn't look like there were any though. Darn AP English elves get away!

[~darkelfgirl~]

Thanks Chairwoman^^

AP English elves rule! Well, you might not see them but relentless Grammatical-Hunter Anna Mae will XD! *hides behind desk and shudders*

[LadyRushia]

**pops in** Nihao! ^_^

I like this a lot; it gets better and better as the story goes on(as most stories do).

I don't really have any criticism to add that hasn't already been stated, except for one thing. Don't be afraid to use "he said she said." In fact, it's a bit of a no-no to avoid using "said" at all costs. I don't think you have too much of a problem with this, but there were a few instances in the beginning where simply saying "he said" would have created a more natural flow. Really, if the dialogue itself conveys the emotion, you don't really need to state the emotion.

I like the pacing. It's not too fast or too slow and there aren't any boring parts. Also, Blanc=win and I think I know something about Alandar.

Overall, your style flows smoothly and the plot is pretty solid. You've done a good job in taking a cliched outline and making it your own with little details and plot devices.

And speaking of details, I'd say descriptions are your strongest attribute(even though had a little nudge from a thesaurus here and there) especially during Arden's dream. That section reminded me of James Joyce's writing.

I think you may be giving away too much too soon about Alandar(then again, I don't know how long you intend this to be) if my guess is correct. Or it might just be my writer-senses picking up on little tiny details and putting them together.

Tayli is cute.

And you should draw a picture of Blanc.

^_^

~Rushia

[~darkelfgirl~]

Thanks LadyRushia^^!

I really appreciate your feedback, hehe. Ok, I'll use it--I was just worried that it made the story too bland and undescriptive (that's my fear and the reason I use the thesaurus a lot).

Hmm, James Joyce? I think I've heard of him...*shrugs*

Hehe, you guys really like Blanc (so do I)! I'll draw a pic of him, then-- maybe like the Aisel pic. Maybe I'll draw a pic of Tayli in the future, too.
About Alandar--you may be right about him, you may be wrong....I haven't decided yet if that's the way I want it to go.

Yeh, I don't know how long this story will be...

Again--thankssomuch ^^!