I would like Feed back on how you like the story it's self. please and thank you.
here's part one I'll install part two and three later.
The Bounty Hunter Clan “Helsingâ€
The bounty hunter clan "Helsing" first non-school related story.
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The bounty hunter clan "Helsing" first non-school related story.
hey every one this is my first non-school related story, so go easy on me. I made it to be kind of childish on purpose, anyways it's funny that way. I would like Feed back on how you like the story it's self. please and thank you. here's part one I'll install part two and three later.
The Bounty Hunter Clan “Helsingâ€
I would like Feed back on how you like the story it's self. please and thank you. here's part one I'll install part two and three later.
The Bounty Hunter Clan “Helsingâ€
"rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Philippians 4:4
METAL!!!
Member of headbangers united! \m/ >,< \m/
Myspace.com/cal3bsp3ncer
METAL!!!
Member of headbangers united! \m/ >,< \m/
Myspace.com/cal3bsp3ncer
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Inferno - Posts: 765
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 2004 4:00 am
- Location: Somewhere under the rainbow!
come on guys this gets really good, please tell me what you think.
"rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Philippians 4:4
METAL!!!
Member of headbangers united! \m/ >,< \m/
Myspace.com/cal3bsp3ncer
METAL!!!
Member of headbangers united! \m/ >,< \m/
Myspace.com/cal3bsp3ncer
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Inferno - Posts: 765
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 2004 4:00 am
- Location: Somewhere under the rainbow!
Cool so far! I wish I could really do something like that at my school. *giggle* Keep writing and I'll keep reading!
The choice has been made. There's no looking back. I won't let up, back up, give up, or shut up. My focus clear. My path is straight. My God, reliable. I'm a disciple of Christ.
Gods plan is like the sun. its too big and bright to look at directly, and sometimes the rain clouds cover it, but sometimes the plan dapples through the clouds and we can see beautiful glimpses of what he has in store for us.
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Spirit_Wolf8356 - Posts: 1146
- Joined: Fri Jan 23, 2004 7:36 am
- Location: Maryland, USA
well here's the second part... not like anyone cares.
When we found the captives, we saw them hanging in a net over a cage of living feathers of doom! They are called living feathers of doom because they are living, they are feathers, and they tickle you until you die! Kind of brutal, huh? Before this happened, however, a battle in-sued. We shot our sticky darts as fast as we could. Brian ran up a wall and took out two hulk men, but he barely dodged two darts aimed at his head! I, using my powerfully strong legs, jumped 20 feet in the air! Having good aim, I fired my gun, and knocked out three bullies. Caleb took his M-16 dart gun and destroyed the rest of the bulky bullies. The Helsing group ran on. Out of nowhere, two huge dudes with dart bazookas jumped from the ceiling.
“Dude, these guy are huge!â€
When we found the captives, we saw them hanging in a net over a cage of living feathers of doom! They are called living feathers of doom because they are living, they are feathers, and they tickle you until you die! Kind of brutal, huh? Before this happened, however, a battle in-sued. We shot our sticky darts as fast as we could. Brian ran up a wall and took out two hulk men, but he barely dodged two darts aimed at his head! I, using my powerfully strong legs, jumped 20 feet in the air! Having good aim, I fired my gun, and knocked out three bullies. Caleb took his M-16 dart gun and destroyed the rest of the bulky bullies. The Helsing group ran on. Out of nowhere, two huge dudes with dart bazookas jumped from the ceiling.
“Dude, these guy are huge!â€
"rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Philippians 4:4
METAL!!!
Member of headbangers united! \m/ >,< \m/
Myspace.com/cal3bsp3ncer
METAL!!!
Member of headbangers united! \m/ >,< \m/
Myspace.com/cal3bsp3ncer
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Inferno - Posts: 765
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 2004 4:00 am
- Location: Somewhere under the rainbow!
Your idea of a group of kids who fight bullies is neat. I just think your delivery of this story needs some work. The flow is choppy, which makes it difficult to read. I'm not an editor, so I won't be doing any correcting. I'm just giving my opinion as a writer.
My advice is to keep writing. You need to keep writing and reading, and then read about writing.
You have great ideas, you just need to know how to make us, the readers, see those great ideas. Okay? ^_^
My advice is to keep writing. You need to keep writing and reading, and then read about writing.
You have great ideas, you just need to know how to make us, the readers, see those great ideas. Okay? ^_^
[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE
You see into the deepest part of me ---
beyond the fog I hide behind.
You cast your light upon the shadows
that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.
You ease the pain when I am hurting,
and morbid visions from my past
pierce into the realm of Reason
as though I danced on blades of glass.
You grant me strength when I have fallen
and, once again, I've lost my way.
You take my hand in Yours and lead me
into the promise of a brand new day.
You bring order to all my chaos,
yet set my well-laid plans awry.
You place me on a firm foundation ---
then give me wings so I can fly.
You sand away my roughened edges
and polish all the dullest parts
until I stand before Your presence...
a newly-sculpted work of art.
You see into the heart within me,
right through my motives and selfish will.
And yet, in spite of all You see
You say You love me even still.
~by D.M.~
[/color][/size]
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true_noir_chloe - Posts: 3091
- Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Where Tex-Mex is the best! ^_____^
Coolness, Inferno! Liked the second installment and can't wait for the next! You might wanna check a little on the grammar and paragraphing though, okies? But good still.
The choice has been made. There's no looking back. I won't let up, back up, give up, or shut up. My focus clear. My path is straight. My God, reliable. I'm a disciple of Christ.
Gods plan is like the sun. its too big and bright to look at directly, and sometimes the rain clouds cover it, but sometimes the plan dapples through the clouds and we can see beautiful glimpses of what he has in store for us.
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Spirit_Wolf8356 - Posts: 1146
- Joined: Fri Jan 23, 2004 7:36 am
- Location: Maryland, USA
true_noir_chloe wrote:Your idea of a group of kids who fight bullies is neat. I just think your delivery of this story needs some work. The flow is choppy, which makes it difficult to read. I'm not an editor, so I won't be doing any correcting. I'm just giving my opinion as a writer.
My advice is to keep writing. You need to keep writing and reading, and then read about writing.
You have great ideas, you just need to know how to make us, the readers, see those great ideas. Okay? ^_^
okeydokey
"rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Philippians 4:4
METAL!!!
Member of headbangers united! \m/ >,< \m/
Myspace.com/cal3bsp3ncer
METAL!!!
Member of headbangers united! \m/ >,< \m/
Myspace.com/cal3bsp3ncer
-
Inferno - Posts: 765
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 2004 4:00 am
- Location: Somewhere under the rainbow!
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