I had stopped too, and only just recently picked It up again. Everytime I read, I found one more thing that either cast a new doubt, or appeared to say I didn't belong with Christ, that I wasn't what He wanted. It was really depressing, but the doubt and thinking you are too pathetically disgusting (I was, and still am, disgusted with myself for my particular vice struggles) are all lies and misdirection. Ones I still fall for, and only recently found how I can overcome them.I am having a hard time opening up the Bible and reading the Word. I think part of it is fear and disgust of myself.
True, the Law was put into place to expose all as sinners, but one of the most important aspect of the Word is the Fact that every one of those sins has Already been payed for in Blood. Once you accepted His free gift of His Sacrifice, God said that to Him, it's as if you never sinned. And when God said, the stars came into being.Nothing but the Word can expose all the sins that I daily commit.
For the acceptance bit, luckily we don't have to do it on our own strength. I often times feel that I'm now indebtted to God cause He took my sins away, but that isn't the point or intent(luckily, otherwise heaven would have to be some celestial forced labor camp... XP). I know I don't desrve it. I deserve the deepest darkest hottest pit of a pit in Hell. There is nothing I can ever do to deserve it. I don't believe it's about deserving, I believe it's about restoration of what was lost back in the beginning.I don't know if I can fully accept this or rather that I even deserve it.
It's a flood that has made me give up once or twice before. Something that has helped me when thinking about Man is that each person is an individual who has the same hurts, doubts, and troubles that I do.This being said, I realize that by denying Christ, by denying this gift is like a self-pity slap into my own Creators face. Man just feels so overwhelming, so scary, so huge, so humbling. I don't know, a lot of feelings.
I often hear Christians who appear to have it all together say that fear stems from not having a big enough God. That way of saying it bothers me, actually... It seems to trivialize a very real and difficult situation. In real life, God sent the Isrealites through harrowing experiences to demonstrate His power and control to them, so they could remember those instances when they became afraid. Later with Joshua, God had him actually stand stones up to commemorate deliverances and victories. God actually told Joshua to do that so that when children look at those stones and ask why their standing on end, the Isrealites could tell them of how God delivered them. All that to say: I have one definite standing stone in my life. One thing to look back upon and know God delivered me, and it's kinda pathetic at that. But that's all I can offer on dealing with fear, that you look back into your past, and find the experiences that make God's deliverence personal to you no matter how small or pathetic. The fears you face are much greater than any I've had to deal with yet, but I know you can break the cycle of fear and despair! God promised He'll take away your fears and give you hope instead of despair, and God always keeps His promises!Fear. Fear. Fear. There are very few times when I'm not afraid. I want out of this loop of endless fear and despair! And yet, find myself knowing that God has all this. ARGH!
I often hear Christians who appear to have it all together say that fear stems from not having a big enough God. That way of saying it bothers me, actually... It seems to trivialize a very real and difficult situation.
It wasn't easy, but I learned that Christian growth is not based on how your compare to other Believers nor is it measured on a line-graph. Nor is it a one-size-fits-all kind of process. I know it's difficult to grasp, but the next time you see someone who appears to have it all together in their life as a Believer, remember that there were times (maybe even just one) when they felt as dry and as empty as you.
Sheenar (post: 1420422) wrote:As for others seeming "perfect," no one is. And one person's spiritual "status" cannot be based on the perceived spirtual level of another person. We all mature and grow at our own rates --some get there faster, others take longer. And that is perfectly okay --it is your own individual journey with God --between you and Him. We are all at different places in our journey --there is no "one size fits all" standard for a right relationship with the Lord.
Return to Testimonies & Spiritual Growth
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 145 guests