Okay, the title was a horribly contrived play on "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance". But on to the important stuff. First, some background.
As some of you may know, drawing has been causing me plenty of angst for a while now. I've not had the will to draw much, I haven't made any progress, etc. But I think I've made a breakthrough.
Recently, I've read John Eldredge's Wild at Heart (a must-read) and Waking the Dead (on CD, again, a must-read). Especially in the latter, he's been pushing the concept of living more passionately, living from the heart. I've understood it on an academic level, but I haven't been able to apply it in the real world. I think I'm starting to understand now.
I've had little desire to pray much, feeling like it was one-sided. I hadn't felt that God was responding, and it was frustrating me. I think I'm learning to hear Him speak.
You see, today I walked my dog.
Now, I walk my dog almost daily, so that in and of itself is nothing at all special. Usually I read a book or listen to anime music whilst walking my cowardly Rhodesian Ridgeback. But I put the book on the shelf, and left the minidisc player on my bed.
Today I was going to have a little chat with God. And, to be frank, I was cross. I asked - no, I challenged, I dared Him to respond if he was really there. I had just been angsting about drawing, so it was on my mind.
I finally started to hear Him.
He was telling me that he's trying to teach me how to live from my heart. In an attempt to lock away uncontrolled emotions I had hated as a child, I locked away my passions, leading a dispassionate life. God showed me that it's not that I have no talent for drawing. Rather, He's been holding it all back until I re-focus on Him and learn to pursue life passionately. I've begun to believe that I am destined to be a good artist - there's little doubt in my mind now, I'm certain of it - and that now that I'm learning to be passionate again, once I get back into it and pursue drawing with a passion, God will unlock my talent and I will start to really flourish as an artist. I have a real desire to be an artist, and I believe God doesn't give people urges and desires just to withold them. God's given me this desire to draw well, so I believe he will give me the skill I seek. I'm reminded of a story I read where God shows a man a large boulder, and instructs him to push against it with all his might every day. He does so, but becomes discouraged when it refuses to move after much long effort. Finally, God shows him the strength and obedience he has gained from it, and tells him, "Now, My son, I will move the rock." I believe all I have to do is push with a passion, and God will move this rock. I also believe that as I start to live the whole of my life passionately, my "ducks" will start to align, to borrow a saying.
Now that I am assured of this chapter's happy ending, I believe I can endure anything.
I hope this blesses someone out there.
Rai