CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

Ok, this is a fragment of a scrap of something I'm writing, and I would like your opinions on it. Things I can improve, what I do well, what needs cleaned up, etc. ^^ It's a first first draft that I typed up yesterday, so I'll most likely go back and re-do it several times. I don't like the names either, and will change them when I can think up better ones. ^^; *lol* Thanks, y'all.

Cree’s feet whispered softly through the bejeweled grass. The cold dew of early morning clung to her ankles. The sun would rise soon.
The sun would rise soon… This thought spurred her on faster towards the cliffs looming eerily in the fading starlight.
Quickening her pace, she raced toward the rock face. At all costs, she had to reach the caves before the sun came up. If she were caught out in the daylight… she did not want to think about what might happen. All her life it had been pounded into her head. ‘You must never be caught out under the sun, Cree al’Terr. You must never feel the burn of its hateful glare. You are destined to a life of darkness, child, and you must never forget your place. All your ancestors were bound by this fate, and by the blood that runs in your veins, you are bound to it as well!’ Bound to it…
Panting, she had almost reached the safe harbor hidden in the rock. In all truth she should not have left the sanctuary. It was forbidden. But she had never been caught, and what the elders did not know wouldn’t hurt them, right? All she had wanted was to see the stars one last time. To gaze at the moon so as to emblazon it upon her heart so she could recall its soft light in the dark days to come. Tears blurred her eyes as she slipped into a cave, hidden by even the most observant eye in the cliff’s craggy face. She would never again feel the soft touch of the wind, or smell the freshness and life of the fields. She paused to pick the wet grass from the hem of her skirt. She stared at it.
It was so very ugly. Her skirt was made of a sickly gray color, as was the rest of her dress, and her leggings underneath. Her complexion was also a dull gray, from the bottom of her heel, all the way to her pointed ears. Her soft hair that was bound in a braid down past her waist was gray, but her eyes, they, they were a thing to marvel at. Unlike the gray eyes of the rest of her people, hers were gold. A brilliant, piercing, stunning gold that seemed to light up her drear complexion. They were the mirrors of a heart and mind so potent, that sometimes, others swore they could feel her eyes in them.
Once it was said that the eyes of Cree al’Terr could see the hearts of others, and read their waking thoughts the moment they came into their heads. Everyone was afraid of Cree to some degree or another. It was a fear born out of envy and hate. She was different, so she was worth despising. She was different, so she was worth envying.
The Shamar people had always feared change. Bound in the rusted chains of tradition, they balked at anything that was not as it had been for thousands of years. Strict rituals governed their underground way of life. Ruled by a long dynasty of seers and shaman, the people had fallen into a rigid lifestyle. It chafed. It weighted Cree down - she hated it.
Frustrated, she turned towards the gaping dark mouth that led into her subterranean home.

not ever - never

like stones tied to her clothes - I don't like this simile, it doesn't seem adequate to express the truly oppressive nature of such a rigid, tradional lifestyle. I think you could expand a lot more on this particular subject, but don't forget to do it through her eyes. I smell a flashback...

maybe just - "the foreboding mouth of her subterranean home"
(lead down into...subterranean) = redundancy

This is well-written, IMHO. At first I thought to myself, "not ANOTHER vampire story," but it seems your story will be much different. Maybe you could try elaborating just how Cree isn't you average creature of the night.

If you can't tell, I want more. That, kirakira, is a good sign. Keep writing, and feel free to bounce any more drafts off me if you like.

Well, first off I read this because it was written by... KIRAKIRA. ^_^ IMHO, it's very well done.

My corrections are minor, and I almost feel like pm'ing them to you, because I think you're doing so well. But alas, I'll see what I can add to help.

>>The sun would rise soon… This thought spurred her on faster towards the cliffs looming eerily in the fading starlight.<<

I might add another The sun would rise soon at the end for emphasis, and for needed feelings of panic for the reader. *hehe* Then I would use the first paragraph you opened with and place it after the paragraph I just placed up there. I don't like the opening paragraph, and I think it detracts from the situation at hand. She's got to get back to the underground, ahhhh!

Okay, I'm in a wacky editorial mood today.

>>Cree al’Terr, you are bound to it as well!’ Bound to it…<<

Here, just write Cree, or nothing, it's too redundant, since you named her full name already once.

>>It weighted Cree down like stones tied to her clothes, and she hated it.<<

I have to agree with St. Kevin here. Just write, It weighed Cree down - she hated it. Maybe after you write she hated it you can place a good metaphor here for how much she hated it. Then you place the emphasis here, rather than on the clothing, which has nothing to do with her hate. Her hate at her situation is what you are wanting to emphasize.

So far it looks great. You're using a good use of sentence structure and description. I'm interested in what happens, and that's always good, because I get bored very easily if someone writes flat. You've got a lot of mountains and valleys in your writing. ^_^ Please, pm, if you'd like to know what I just meant when I wrote that. Setting up a scene is very difficult in fantasy, and you've done well.

Oh snap. I just wrote out a long response, and it logged me out when I tried to post it. *groans* *grins sheepishly. Ah, well, here goes again.

*bobs head in thanks to St. Kevin and t_n_c for their help* XD Thanks so much!!!

St. Kevin-
>>not ever - never
*lol* Thanks for pointing that out, I'll change it. ^^

>>like stones tied to her clothes
Yeah, I couldn't find anything I liked to describe it, and shoulda just left it out. ^^;;

>>led downwards into her subterranean home
That is a little redundant. See, this tunnel goes downward for a long, long time before reaching the underground city she lives in. I guess I was trying to convey that it's a long, ways down. I think I'll scratch out the 'downwards...', because if I ever get around to writing more, I won't need it. *lol*

I'm very glad you like it. ^^ *lol* *bow*

t_n_c-
>>I might add another The sun would rise soon at the end
Do you mean so it would read-

The sun would rise soon… This thought spurred her on faster towards the cliffs looming eerily in the fading starlight. The sun would rise soon. Quickening her pace, she raced toward the rock face....Bound to it...
Cree’s feet whispered softly through the bejeweled grass. The cold dew of early morning clung to her ankles. The sun would rise soon.

-? I don't quite understand what you're saying. ^^;;

>>Cree al’Terr, you are bound to it as well!’ Bound to it…<<
Yeah, that is redundant. ^^ Thank you for drawing my attention to it. ^^

>>It weighted Cree down...
Yeah, I agree to. ^^

*runs off to pm*

Icarus- ^^ Why thank you. ^^ Yeah, I luv the idea of golden eyes, and it manifests itself a lot in my scribbles. *lol* ^^

*

Thank you so muchley for heping me out!