CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

This is a series I've been working on for over five years, and I'm not even past the first book. To try to figure out what I'm doing wrong, I'm posting it here for your advice and comments. Its family friendly, though there may be the occasional slip.

THE SAVING LIGHT

The silver moonlight shone gently upon the smooth, still waters of the crystalline lake. The reflected half-moon trembled despite its stillness. A cold wind began to blow, its source unknown. At the side of the lake stood a lone man, head lowered in a dejected fashion. Disturbed by the wind, his harvest golden hair thrashed wildly about his pale face. His eyes, clear like a mirror's surface, were empty as they stared listlessly into the lake. His black cloak, driven wild by the wind, whipped around his legs. His shoulders were slumped, as though they carried a terrible burden. The wind suddenly increased its fury, and his eyes suddenly glowed with life. He raised his head, and straightened his shoulders.
"He's come," he breathed, a mixture of fear, rage, and hope in his eyes.
Behind him, a glowing circle suddenly flashed, and in that brief instance, a man appeared. Completely cloaked and hooded, nothing was visible of this being, save chin, mouth and the tip of his nose. The mouth inhaled sharply, then the man walked toward the one by the lakeside. He stopped a foot away and waited. The ends of his cloak brushed the ground, undisturbed by the frenzied wind.
"So you did come," the first one, the one by the lake, said calmly.
"Mostly out of curiosity. Why have you decided to meet with me now, after all these years?"
The pale eyes dimmed slightly and he inhaled deeply. He turned to face the cloaked one. "What is it you have discovered, dark one?" he demanded. "Why have you been visiting Earth so frequently now?"
The man jerked forward, and his mouth opened as though to speak. Then it closed, and the lips curved into a smile. "Now where did you learn this, Shadow? Tell me, have you been shadowing me?" he chuckled.
Shadow, for that was his name, glared at him. "You've been uncommonly solitary for the past six months, which meant you'd either returned to your studies or had discovered something. For that length of time, it had to mean you'd found something. So speak, vermin, or I'll end your traversing permanently!"
The cloaked man threw back his head and laughed. Shadow grimaced but continued to wait. The dark one finally shook his head, grinning.
"You can't kill spirits. Remember, spirit? So you might have a slight problem there. But don't worry, as you were clever enough to discover me so stealthily, I will share my discovery with you." He paused a moment, staring at the lake for a few moments, then said, "Shadow, I have located a riftguardian. Possibly the riftguardian."
He stiffened, eyes widening in disbelief. "The what?!" With great effort, he managed to regain his composure and asked more calmly, "What makes you believe you've found the riftguardian?"
The hooded man slowly walked forward, coming to a stop beside Shadow. He gazed over the lake, contemplating. "You remember the prophecies Tiki delivered, during her thirty-year meditation? With great effort and constant searching, I finally located a written record of her words. After spending a great deal of time studying her verses, I believe I was able to correctly decipher them." He held out his hands, and a sheet of parchment appeared in them. He handed this to Shadow. "See for yourself."
Shadow held it up, tilting it so that the moon shone on its surface, and began reading. "In our darkest hour a light shall come / Born of Earth yet carries the blood of Spirits / They will save or destroy our world / Torn by Light and Dark alike they must choose / To wed the Light or marry the Dark / Whichever they choose determines the path of our worlds."
"Its drastically shortened," the man said. "But that's it."
"And..."
"There were finer details that helped me recognize who they are." Another sheet appeared in his hands, but this he held on to. "They will be tired of the world, unable to see the 'beauty' of their homeworld. They will consider themselves unloved, friendless and alone. They will dream of magic and adventure. They will yearn to reach the spirit world, and escape their 'misery'." He snorted. "I've located a girl who fit these conditions as well as other, finer ones that I shan't go into. She practically despises the world."
"So you decided to claim her without even giving us a chance?" Shadow asked with a tight grin. The man laughed and clapped a hand on Shadow's shoulder, gripping it quite firmly. Shadow stiffened but made no move. The man smiled.
"Better do what you can then, for I've set my schedule. If you don't wish to lose, you would do well to start now." He chuckled quietly. "Not that it will make any difference in the end. I've already planted a link in her. She's mine."
"You would willingly destroy us all?" Shadow asked quietly. "Is your lust for power so great that it clouds your judgment?"
His smile deepened. He leaned closer, his mouth almost touching Shadow's ear. "What I do is for the good of us all. If you live to see the glorious era I shall lead us to, you will thank me for what I've done."
"Your 'glorious era' will bring the destruction of everything we've ever cared about. Don't do this, Eclipse."
He laughed quietly and Shadow winced. Eclipse started to draw back, paused, then kissed Shadow's cheek. It was a brotherly kind of kiss, but Shadow jerked away like he'd been stung, his face like a thundercloud.
"I'll see you again soon, I suppose, Shadow?" Eclipse asked, smiling.
Eyes burning, Shadow shouted, "Begone hellspawn!"
"And you'd just started using my name again." Smiling mockingly, Eclipse asked, "Don't you even want to know her name?"
Fists clenched tightly, Shadow hissed through clenched teeth, "Speak, then go. I've had my fill of you."
Eclipse backed away slowly, towards where he'd first appeared. "Her name is Vienna Swan. Somebody apparently has a twisted sense of humor." He crossed his arms over his chest as a circle of light began to form around him. "Until we meet again." Another brief flash, and he was gone.
Shadow turned back to the water, eyes narrowed thoughtfully. "Mad fool, what are you thinking? So little time...I must go now."
He stepped out onto the water, his feet landing grimly on the water's surface. Treading lightly, he reached the center of the pool. He stared deep into its depths, humming quietly to himself. Then he dove, vanishing within, leaving stillness and silence behind.

I really like this. Don't know what the heck is going on, but the setting, the atmosphere, the various details, and the presence of these characters captivate me. I seriously like to know more of these mysterious characters Shadow and Eclipse. I'm also liking the good vs. evil, light vs. dark theme it is foreshadowing. Your story almost makes a bit sad that I can't be as detailed as you can with your scenes. You should really be an author of fiction. You got the talent for it. Please continue, you've gained a fan.
Peace of Christ to you Sis.

Okay, so, in Japan, there is a word there called 'chuunibyou'. It literally would translate to 'second year of middle school syndrome' and refers to the way teenagers act once they hit a certain part of their life. They start acting angsty, wearing darker clothes, shunning happiness and the adults who just don't understand, man. They're dark, they're deep, and they're going to have their coffee black because it's just as bitter as the real world. And most importantly, they're absolutely ridiculous. There's an anime on this subject, called Chuunibyou demo Koi ga Shitai that you might want to check out to be further familiar with the topic.

Which you should be, because your story absolutely reeks of chuunibyou. The names of the two characters are Shadow and Eclipse. That already strikes me as trying way to hard to make this dark and mature. Even worse is the name of what I presume will be the protagonist of your story. Vienna Swan sounds really pretentious to begin with, but she has a second name which is a combination of a Japanese name (even though I'm assuming she's a Caucasian) and your username? It's really obvious that you've written who I presume to be your protagonist to be a self-insert character so you can live vicariously through her.

Similarly, the tone of the entire exchange between Shadow and Eclipse is so chuunibyou. Blood-red lips? When that is a signal of how someone is a villain, I'm not going to take them seriously because you're making them appear villainous because they are a villain. A prophecy that in the most vague way ever basically says your self-insert character is even more special? Also, I can't tell if this is supposed to be an alternate universe and these are all going to be metaphors for Christianity or if this takes place in the real world, but that makes it even worse. You certainly shouldn't try to do either of those, though, because they both involve God relying on a human to defeat evil in a way that God shouldn't really have to rely on people.

I could go into prose issues that you have (though I'm by no means an expert there) but that should be enough for you to chew on for now.

Your five years of work does show. The flow is not bad, the character interaction is working, but it could be a lot better, and you only have some sentence structure/prose issues.

On an overall scale, you're doing pretty well. You just have a lot more edits to wade through.

You seem to imply that you're having trouble somehow, or that you're stuck and unsure how to make this better. I'll try my best to give you some advice to hopefully help you out.

First off, take some time to finely comb through your sentences and make sure all your describing techniques make sense and are communicated how you see them.
For example, "strange, colorless eyes" is sort of something that's hard to define to a reader. How are they strange (are they shaped weird? Do they glow? Are they not human like? Etc.)? And also, the word "colorless" can be defined much better with something like "clear", "misty", or "dull gray". Colorless is not a defined term and thus doesn't produce a nice visual image (thus you're read gets caught up on trying to define it, like I am XD).
Also, nix all your uses of "seemingly". Be confident in your characters!

Overall, try to be specific and to the point and not dance around describing things with too many words/adjectives. Show, don't tell. You seem to be on the right track for this, but you still have a few places where you overwork it a bit, like the phrase "smiling mockingly" (can be replaced quite nicely with "grinning" to mix it up, for example).
Compare the two describers:
"He smiled mockingly at him as he shifted his stance and his long, black cloak brushed against the moonlit grass and made a rustling noise."
"He grinned and shifted his stance, the rustling of the grass beneath him broke the silence."
Or something like that. You can still have fun modifiers, but keep it direct.
And try to keep your new terms fairly contained in logic. Like, first you have riftguardian, then you have wolfsinger...it starts to get a bit confusing when there is no connection to put them together in the story. Try to make a logical connection between these two if you can, at least. World building can be tough to not sound like a massive info dump, but I think you still have plenty of room to spread out even in this small interaction between the two men.
Speaking of the interaction, it worked pretty well between the two characters, though the ending, after Eclipse went away in a flash, it was a bit strange for Shadow to be suddenly not upset anymore. His last line was also worded a bit awkwardly for someone talking/musing to himself. Plus, despite his words, his actions lack a sense of urgency and it's not certain why he's suddenly sinking into the water instead of staying on the edge of the lake and musing some more or going off in a different direction. What's his motivation? Is he going to go tell someone(higher up) about this? Is he going to do more research on all of this? etc.

So, short list of things to consider to help you out.
1). Cut down on unnecessary words. Be straight and to the point in order to create good flow and communicate a good visual image for the reader to follow.
2). Connect loose ends in your world building from the get go. Weave them in without info dumping.
3). Always keep track of why your characters do what they do. You have been doing pretty good with this for the most part, but make sure to keep up with it. Get to know your characters really well.


Best of luck!

@Freddy: Thanks for your encouragement, which is just as good as a critique, as it gives me the courage to keep moving. A writer cannot survive without readers, yes? And I personally believe you're doing just fine with detail. I honestly wish I could do better.

@Hats: Okay, chuunibyou is a new word to me. I am truly sorry if this is the impression those two characters gave, as that has absolutely nothing to do with the way they're dressed or their names. It's part of who and what they are, details of which will be revealed later in the story. However, you are right that "blood-red lips" is kinda...overtop. My problem is I see my characters all too well, as some of them are extremely real to me, and in trying to describe them fully, I either go overboard, or the opposite.
Yes, admittedly, some of the people are based on real people I encountered during an...unfortunate period of my life. Writing this book, and throwing myself in under a new name as the main character, helped me deal with some of my problems of that time. However, as I have changed, so has Vienna and the rest of the people in this story, who have all developed into their own special people. So, yes, she started out as me, but Vienna's her own person now.
As to the issue of God...I had no intention of Him relying on a human. My prose could definitely use some improvement, but otherwise he's still all powerful, all wonderful God. I have no intention of usurping His place in any way, shape, or form. If I do so, its by accident.

@Goldy: As I said above, my problem is being unable to fully describe my characters in a good way. Its either over the top, or just plain sucks. I'm still working on that.
True, I really should carry a thesarus around with me more often. To be honest, I only recently discovered the uses of this precious tool, and am doing my best to make the most of it. But I still forget sometimes...which is why I'm sharing this story here, so kind people like you can point out where I went wrong.
Also, your notes about the Wolfsinger...you're right. That was something I came up with back at the 55th manuscript, and I still haven't quite figured out whether or not it truly belongs in the story. Even if it does, however, it comes in at a later period, so its totally inappropriate here. Idiot me...
The lake now...again the reason for his diving will be explained later in the story. And true, he should have still been annoyed, at least.

I've done some editting (so, so late...) to try to fix my errors, and am trying to locate where my Ch 1 pages walked off to, so I should hopefully have those in soon. Otherwise, please check my editting.
Thanks again!

Gosh, I'm sorry this is so late. I'll try to be more on top.



I sat up slowly, blinking sleepy sand from my eyes. My bed, currently being used as a laundry dump, looked like some sort of dumpy hill next to my makeshift bed on the floor. The digital clock read 6:34a.m., which explained why it was so dark. I considered trying to sleep again, then gave up and stood, stretching. I changed from my pajamas into a green tee-shirt and navy blue sweatpants. I debated a moment, then grabbed my mauve, silky scarf and wrapped its massive length twice around my neck. Even then, it was long enough that the ends still reached my waist. I grinned as I fingered what I called my "trademark" which, though it caught the disparaging stares of most people, I loved because it was comfortable and unique. How did I know that? I made it myself.
Cautiously, I opened the door of my room and stepped out. I peered over the railing into the first floor. It was dark, quiet, and devoid of noise; my kind of night. Smiling, enjoying the game of stealth I played so often, I crept downstairs and made my way to the back door. My tennis shoes, gray, green and brown from constant abuse, were sitting there waiting for me. The laces were already tied, so I just slipped my feet into them, cautiously opening the door as I did so, and stepped outside.
The early birds were rising, chirping inquiringly at me. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply of the wonderful morning air which, while it was tinted with a hint of civilization, was better than the AC unit of the house. I undid the door lock so I could come back inside and then closed the door. I inhaled again, and was off.
There was a gate in back, but I made for the fence instead. I carefully worked my way through Mom's bushes, and then climbed the fence. Behind the fence was the closest thing to a forest/swamp I'd ever seen. The ground was spongy and there were usually over a hundred mosquitoes in the air around you. The trees cast deep, dense shadows that covered the whole place, keeping its secrets buried within, away from everyone.
Except me.
I slid off the fence, sending a couple of rabbits sniffing at the fence scampering away. I smiled apologetically and entered the dense trees. My eyes adjusted quickly and soon I was running freely through the trees. There weren't any actual bogs, except that one hole on the eastern edge that filled in when it rained, but I was on the western edge, which is more solid.
My footsteps were sure and almost silent, for this was territory I knew well. This was my turf! I slid to a stop in front of a tree. It was perhaps the largest tree in this place, and was my favorite spot to go to. Moss covered its base, and it made a pattern like a star on the trunk. Grinning widely, I started climbing. As I went higher, the wind began picking up in strength. My dark brown hair blew wildly in my grinning face, and my copper-colored eyes sparkled with pure joy. I loved this place.
At the top, I found the little nook I'd carved into the tree some time ago. In it I kept a small notebook in a waterproof case. I settled comfortably in the branches, removed the notebook from the case and pulled the pen out of the loops. I pushed the case back, settled myself, and turned to the front page, titled "Dream log". I stared at it, thinking. Lately my dreams have been rather unusual, so I've been writing down what I can so I can try to figure out whatever is going on. Maybe magic of some sort is involved!
Yes, I believe in magic. Some people call me silly, others say I’m stupid, still others believe me to have some mental disorder, and all agree I’m childish, even my own family. Perhaps they’re right, that I’m childish for believing in this, but it helps me survive in this crazy reality.
Dawn’s light was beginning to shine over the horizon. Thus prompted, I started writing. Normally, I am very attuned to my surroundings, the slightest shuffling of the leaves or the faint buzzing of a curious skeeter. Today, however, I was so focused on my writing that I paid no attention to the world around me.
“Last night, I found myself back at that lake, the one the moon is reflected in all the time, except all the calm and beauty had been replaced by terrible turbulence. Great dark clouds covered the sky, hiding the moon. The wind, while not like a tornado, was extremely strong, several times almost carrying me away. And the lake, its waters churned as though something was thrashing wildly within. Lightning flashed all around me, and it was truly terrifying. Then, once again, I saw him, the Dark One, the guy always hidden in that cloak. The Dark one stood by the lake, apparently undisturbed by the mess around us. I made my way to him and, as usual, asked what he was doing, and like he continually has, he replied what he needed to do. This time however, he invited me to look into the lake with him. Naturally, being a curious idiot, I did. However, the wind grew powerful again and forced me into the water. I struggled as best one can when one can’t swim, but I sank quickly. As I went down, I saw him watching, impassive, and unmoving. I tried to cry out, but water flooded my mouth. I could see a white light, and something told me it was over.
Then suddenly, air filled me, and the water receded. I was still under, but I could breathe. Arms were around me, I realized, and I was rising though it was getting darker. I couldn’t see who held me. So I asked, “Who are you?” and they replied: “The fish against the current. But you can call me Shadow.” Before I could ask anything more, he continued warningly, “Now listen closely. As soon as you can, find the shadowed mirror of this pool, and you’ll come here. You must come through without being forced by anyone. Understand?” I shook my head. It made no sense. He…I assume it was a he, sighed. “You must not let the cloaked man force you through, whatever happens. I can’t hold any longer. Be careful…” and he suddenly released me. I hung then in darkness, until I woke.”
I sighed, thinking about it. I contemplated the Dark One, who’d been in my dreams for the past five months. I thought of the once calm lake which had become angry and wild. Lastly, I considered the one called Shadow, and the instructions he had given. Odd, how truly odd this all was.
“You’ve got a good spot there, haven’t you?”
I stiffened, almost falling out of the tree. I quickly looked around for the owner of the voice. I spotted her in moments, and was surprised I hadn’t heard her.
Now the tree to the direct right of mine was only two thirds the size of my tree. However, through some freak of nature, several of its higher branches had interlaced with the branches of my tree, creating a usable bridge which led to an easy, but noisy, route into the treetop. Seated on this bridge staring curiously at me was a girl who looked about 15 – my age. Her hair, tied in twin ponytails, was glistening black and decorated with morning dew. Her sea blue eyes sparkled mischievously.
“Looks a little wet to me,” she remarked again.
“There’s a natural umbrella,” I explained, watching her carefully. “It’s the way the leaves and branches intertwine.”
She nodded, fascinated, eyes on me. “May I join you?”
I stared at her a long moment, uncertain. On one hand, she seemed friendly and open to me, while most people who met me left after minutes in my company. On the other, I didn’t know her, and she could still turn easily into one of those people. “Who are you?” I countered instead.
With a funny tilt of her head, she answered, “I am Joy! According to all I know, I bring joy wherever I go. So…what’s your name?”
“I’m Vienna. Don’t ask why my parents named me that.” I looked down at my little notebook, then carefully closed it. “Why are you out here?”
“Getting acquainted with the neighborhood. People don’t usually suit me, but nature is one of my best friends.” She cocked her head, grinning. “Why are you out here?”
Hmm….”Same thing, really. Nature suits me better than people, and likes me better than most do.” Then, after a moment’s recollection, I asked, “I assume you just moved here then?”
“Yep. Didn’t enjoy the move itself, but this neighborhood seems a lot more pleasant than my last one. Take my advice, if you’re not a people-person, stay outta Chicago.”
“You came all the way from Illinois?” I asked, startled. I live in the deep south of Texas, so that would be a long drive. “What made you move all the way down here?”
“We’d heard good things about this state, and living in a neighborhood with two opposing gangs in it is no place for anybody. So we got away and came here.” She fidgeted slightly and a small rain of dew poured down on her head. She yelped, quickly moving deeper into the tree. “So may I come up?”
I took pity on her. “Come ahead,” I replied. “Just be careful. There may be some old, rotten branches.”
She came up like a squirrel. I was impressed at her skill. I managed to secret the notebook back into its nook before she made it up. She sat right next to me, still grinning. “Thanks. It was rather wet down there.”
I watched the sun come rising over the treetops. The dawn was a truly beautiful one today. Focused on staring, I was surprised when Joy started talking again.
“You’re not like most of the people I’ve had the misfortune of meeting, you know? I think I could actually become friends with you.” She must have seen my face, because she quickly added, “I’m serious! We’re both out here on a limb no other person would want to be on, and we both like nature…” She paused, thinking a little more about what she had said. “Um, well, you know what I mean. Would you please…could you try…may we be friends?”
That was a question for old father Time. Ugh….”I’ll give it a try. It would be nice to have a friend.” Welcome back, heart scarring. Here we go again.
Joy proved to be a talker, much to my dismay. I was truly beginning to believe she would never stop. However, when the last traces of dawn’s colors had faded, I knew I needed to go. “It’s been nice talking to you,” I politely said, proceeding to climb back down. “But I really should go now.”
Joy grinned. “Okay! Shall I see you tomorrow then?”
I paused, considering. Yes, she talked a lot, but she didn’t seem a bad kid. She even seemed to share some of the same interests. Heck…”Sure. That sounds great,” I replied.
“Same time, I assume? Early morning hours are absolutely the best.” Joy leaned back, smiling. “See you then.”
I scampered back through the forest, ducking and dodging through branches and bushes. My thoughts were a little scattered. I had just had a run-in with another human being, who had not hated me after the first attempt to know me. It was a strange experience that left me feeling definitely uneasy, so I wasn’t paying much attention. It was quite the surprise then, when I found myself falling into a muddy pit. My first thought was: “Oh, this is the mud hole.”. My second thought was: “Oh wait, it rained!” and then I was too busy trying not to sink to think.
Now, I can’t swim. So earlier on, around when I first discovered this pool, I had made some safety precautions for the just-in-case. For instance, I had taken the biggest, sturdiest branches I could find and planted them in a ring around the pit. From there, I had tied some wire I’d found and strung it three times around. If that failed, there were some floats in there, at least five.
So how had I walked through wire, and where were the floats?
Fortunately, nature has her own safety catches. In my frantic efforts to grab something, my hand closed on a root that was still firmly situated in the soil. I pulled my head up out of the murky liquid, breathing gratefully of the open air. Now firmly focused in reality, I began looking around, trying to discern what had happened. The answer was somewhat astonishing.
My fence and my floats had all been removed, with only the stake holes to show where the fence had once been.
I clung to the side of the pit for a long time, thinking. No animal could have done that without leaving at least a piece behind. So who was the person responsible? I considered Joy for a moment, but she wouldn’t work. First off, she probably would have still been holding them when we met. Secondly, from her earlier talk, I’d gathered she was a fairly bright girl, and would probably know better.
Suddenly remembering where exactly I was supposed to be, and considering the new mess I’d have to hide before anyone discovered it, I clambered out of the mud hole and began working back toward home. As the backyard fence came into view, another thought struck me.
How had I gotten so far east and not have noticed? The western and eastern sides differ enough I should have picked up on it no matter how clumsy I was being.

It's not bad, by any means, but it has a lot of room for improvement. A lot of your descriptions, for example, sound good but mean nothing when you actually think about them.

A cold wind began to blow, its source unknown.

Unless we're talking about a huge fan or something, when do we ever know what the source of a cold wind is?

head lowered in a dejected fashion.

Kind of clumsy, and frankly unnecessary. What you say later about his shoulders being slumped by a heavy burden gets the picture across prefectly well. Heck, you could even say, "head lowered dejectedly" if you like, but it's a good rule of thumb to avoid using "-ly" adverbs as much as possible.

"So you did come," the first one, the one by the lake, said calmly.

Okay, we all know that the first guy you talked about is standing by a lake. That's basically all we know about him. You've pointed out which guy you're talking about just by saying "the first one," so adding "the one by the lake" is redundant, and almost feels condescending. We're not going to forget where your character is in the space of two paragraphs.

Sorry, but "dark one," along with "dark lord," is pretty cliched and overused. Also, "Shadow" sounds like what someone would name their cat, and if you pair it with "Eclipse" it's a little cheesy, and kind of brings to mind the Twilight series. Sad thing is, I'm sure you thought up the name "Eclipse" before Twilight made it popular, but it might be prudent to let go of such names in order to avoid unfortunate associations, especially since your target audience is VERY likely to be familiar with the Twilight series.

No, really, I've known so many people who named their cat "Shadow" that it's just really distracting to me... It's not an intimidating villain name at all. I almost feel like it's kind of cute. Widdle Cute Villainy-willainy...

"Now where did you learn this, Shadow? Tell me, have you been shadowing me?" he chuckled.

If you're keeping the name "Shadow" around for the sake of this throw-away pun... don't.

"Her name is Vienna Swan. Somebody apparently has a twisted sense of humor."

...I don't get it. Are you planning on explaining this later? Also, as someone else pointed out, this is a really cliched name, and what's worse, it ALSO brings to mind the Twilight series. Again, I'm sure you thought this name up before Twilight became popular but sometimes we have to compromise characters' names to avoid such associations. Plus you've just got too many characters who names are common nouns. I know you've said something about their names being foreshadowing of who they are or what they do later in the story, but I have to ask: is that really necessary? What does it add to the story that their names are all foreshadowy and junk? If you gave them other names, what would change? I submit that while you may think the foreshadowing is pretty cool, too much foreshadowing just ends up being cheesy. And so far this story is basically ALL foreshadowing. You could probably tone it down a little bit and it might actually benefit your writing. Give us a little, sure, but if you give us too much it feels like you're thumping us over the head with it.

On to your next chapter...

I sat up slowly, blinking sleepy sand from my eyes.

You lost me with this line right here. What the heck? What is sleepy sand? How can sand be sleepy? And how can she sleep with sand in her eyes? Is she sleeping in the desert? Does she dwell in an anthill? It sounds REALLY uncomfortable, anyway.

My bed, currently being used as a laundry dump, looked like some sort of dumpy hill

Surely there's a less repetitive adjective you can use... like "lumpy" or something. Also, it's weird that your character thinks of 6:43 am as "my kind of night." Shouldn't she call it morning?

My tennis shoes, gray, green and brown from constant abuse

Are all three colors the result of constant abuse? Perhaps it would be better phrased, "Gray and green, but turning brown from constant use." After all, abuse is kind of a different word with different connotations. Use would do just fine here.

Once you get into the swing of your narration it's pretty good. It's easy to follow and there's nothing too distracting that a couple of minor edits wouldn't fix.

My only thing is... Joy. Again with these names. I really think you could stand to name your characters more subtly. If you REALLY want to keep the meaning, you could try picking other names that MEAN those things. That way you'd still be foreshadowing for the sharper, more educated audience, and you'd maintain the name/meaning connection, without beating your audience over the head with it.

Here are names that mean Shadow (bonus, some of the suggested names also mean "Dark One"!): http://www.behindthename.com/bb/fact/4115377
Here are names that mean Joy: http://www.thinkbabynames.com/search/0/joy

Eclipse is trickier, but here are some suggestions:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index ... 228AAe1i6n
Though I wouldn't recommend naming your intimidating villain "Douglas."
Also, the Tahitian word "Amura" means eclipse. I just thought it sounded cool, though a bit more feminine.

That really is my biggest critique. I STRONGLY believe your story would benefit from renaming all of the characters you've introduced so far.

Also, on that note, I think you could also stand to name your story more subtly. "The Spiritual Wars" is not a title that I find particularly impressive or interesting. I mean, what if you called your story "The Riftguardian" or whatever that prophecy thing was? That in and of itself piques my interest far more, and I'd be way more interested in reading a story/series called "The Riftguardian" than I would be in a story called "Spiritual Wars: The Saving Light," a title which calls to mind both Star Wars rip-offs and cheesy Christian romance novels/films.

EDIT: One more thing I remembered. You might want to edit out references to everybody hating her after knowing her ten minutes. It adds little the story and makes her SUPER OMG EMO AND STUFF (as foreseen by the prophecy). It kind of makes me hate her a little. Unless that's what you're going for in terms of character evolution, having an angsty teen who grows up and realizes that maybe people don't want to be around her because she's genuinely unpleasant to be around.

And that reminds me, you prophecy could also use some work.

They will be tired of the world, unable to see the 'beauty' of their homeworld. They will consider themselves unloved, friendless and alone. They will dream of magic and adventure. They will yearn to reach the spirit world, and escape their 'misery'.

This describes almost every teenager ever. Care to create a prophecy that can be fulfilled by less than 1.2 billion people?

(Completely unrelated, but in coming up with that number, I came across this hilarious post on Yahoo! answers: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index ... 352AAj4fiQ )

Like Yuki said, easy on the angst, my Sympathetic Sue alarms are going off. One thing more annoying than a Mary Sue character is an emo Mary Sue.

I also have a bit of an issue with the last 5 paragraphs. You seem to have trouble with convincing your readers that this person is someone we should care about. You drop your character in mud and go "oh no she's sinking!" and then you go off on a rabbit trail giving us mostly nonessential information which takes too much time and bores the reader. You wrote "then I was too busy trying not to sink to think" which gives us a sense of urgency which you then seem to ignore. Finally you remember your character is in danger and save her, but then she sticks around in the mud, which is shown as dangerous, for no reason. She can think just as well sitting by the mud as in the mud. If the stuff about how your character made all these "safety precautions" is that important you can tell us so after the danger has passed. I get that you're writing in past tense, so technically she can take all this time to explain her fence before she talks about getting out of the mud but if you're hoping to interest your readers, don't it's tedious and disrupts the flow of the action, making things less exciting.