Legacy of Numach

[skynes]

when done with all the education I want to make Christian themed computer games. They may not be blatantly Christian but they will ALL have elements of it.

One story I'm working on at the moment is called Legacy of Numach. To get the storyline straight I'm writing it on in novellish format. this is a draft of it

Genesis… A suitable name for this story. It’s the word used for the first book of the Bible, a book about how the world was created out of nothing. A suitable name as I was created out of nothing. I wasn’t born, but engineered. I’d give you my name, but I don’t have one, I’m simply known as Numach. This is my legacy, the Legacy of Numach.

Over 4000yrs ago there was a race of humans that were highly intelligent, much more so than the Greeks or Egyptians or Incans. These humans were so advanced that the genetic code was like modellers clay in their hands, they had found a way to mix or splice the DNA of a human with that of other creatures. One such chosen creature was called a Chameodragon. It was a powerful beast, a warm blooded reptilian that could rend a man limb from limb. Long bone blades extended from its elbows and voracious bone claws allowed it to tear its prey apart, while its external ribcage and thick boning made it almost impossible to injure let alone kill it. That not being enough this beast had highly developed wings allowing for full movement in the air and adding further insult to the injury it could cause was its ability to blend in with its environment becoming almost unseen to the human eye. It was a horrific monster, exactly why it was chosen for splicing.
Using the DNA of this monster the people were able to create powerful warriors that were stronger and faster than any human could ever hope to be. They had all the strengths of this beast yet they retained their own individual thoughts and desires. These hybrids were called Numachians.
However they were not going to be left to mess with humanity for long. At some point later a disaster struck the world, wiping out this race and all their experimentation along with everything else on the planet leaving but a few. Or so it was thought.

May 17th 1972 a young intrepid biochemist by the name of Vincent Price, an ambitious man with the beliefs that man will one day be able to modify his own DNA and that the people of the past may have held the key, during an archaeological dig trying to support his theory came across a strange bronze tablet with unusual writings on it. This tablet dated back over 4000yrs! The writing on the tablet was translated; the writing was the remnants of the ancient races research. Vincent had struck it big. By using the information gained from the tablet he was able to form the world’s largest genetic research company – Biocon Industries. These tablets however didn’t have just their research but a sample of Chameodragon DNA…

Vincent’s plan was to use their research to create a Numachian to sell it to the military as a weapon. The problem he had though was that Numachians aren’t exactly ‘easy’ to hide, their green-pigmented skin, wings and external carapace generally gave away that they weren’t normal people. Nothing more than a minor setback to him though, he encoded into the prototype’s DNA the ability to activate and deactivate the ‘biomorphs’ as they are called, at will. This would allow the Numachian to change from a normal looking human into a complete Numachian and back again something the originals didn’t have. A very powerful weapon this would be indeed.

Vincent however didn’t anticipate his prototype rejecting its own creation and hating those who created him. The prototype rebelled and escaped Biocon, left with nothing but a burning hatred of Vincent and Biocon and a desire to seek vengeance on those who had mutilated him. How ironic that he wanted to create the ultimate weapon and succeeded, now that weapon is pointed right at him. Vincent now seeks to destroy the prototype, well have I got news for him.

I am the prototype, I am Numach and I’m not going down without one hell of a fight!

[skynes]

I have another few pages written if anyone's interested.

[Icarus]

Interested

[skynes]

Wow! A reply... Since u were so nice to reply I'll give you what else I have written. It's the equivalent of 2.5 pages. So be warned!!

And yes I am aware that the RPG I made seems to be following this pattern



Late at night it was a normal night’s work at Biocon, the scientists wer working away at perfecting Numach whilst the guards outside stared into the blackness aimlessly looking for intruders. The machinery inside churning replications of the Chameodragon DNA, eagerly waiting to be spliced into another horrific biocon creation. Outside the perimeter on a building not far from biocon stooped a dark figure gazing at the plant intently watching for something… or someone. Just at that moment a black limousine pulls up. A man steps out of the front of the limousine and walks quickly over and opens the door, out comes Vincent Price. The dark figure’s eyes light up, then he steps forward as if ready to pounce.
“… Not yetâ€

[Icarus]

Sorry it took me a while to read this. Yep. It's definitely the start of an RPG.

[skynes]

Can anyone give me ideas on what will happen next?

He's probably going to escape by but another conveniently placed ventilation shaft but aftert hat I don't know what will happen, where he will go or what?

Any suggestions?

[true_noir_chloe]

skynes, I came over here and read your story because of some comments you made in the "basic writing" section of Tutorials.

I'd say keep working at this story. It's interesting and you understand basic sentence structure, some grammatical problems, but nothing overwhelming. I know you said this is a draft, and that's good, because it needs some work. I'm not going to do a full edit, I don't have time, but let me tell you, I think it's interesting. Keep writing and working on this. You have a good idea; but, you really need to develop the characters - all of them. It would be nice if you gave us a little more information on the "girl" rather than make her just some generic girl. The 90s was the decade of the woman and she needs to have a little more to her. Numach, comes off trite in his dialogue with Lon. Vincent Price? Did you watch old horror movies in the 70s? He was a big "B" actor in those. I laughed when I read Vincent Price and it was a cute addition - did you mean to do that?

I would never want to hamper your wanting to write. I think it's great. Remember, though, know what you're writing about - know who your character's are. And then, show the reader who they are, just don't tell them what they should know, because your reader has no way of knowing what you're thinking. So, you have to develop scenes where they will see what you're talking about. That happens with description, scene structure, dialogue and voice.

Also, if you only want people to read what you write, please don't come and ask in the Tutorials section. That's for teaching others about writing. PM a writer and invite them to read your stuff if you really want; otherwise, keep adding to your story and eventually someone will read it.

Overall, I'm glad I looked this over. Writing is work. It's something everyone can do, and yet so few do it well. It's work to do it well, so keep working at it. Okay?;)

[skynes]

The 'girl' (who doesn't have a name yet. I'm open to suggestions) is the daughter of Vincent Price, whom, I do realise is the name of a horror actor. Kind of a funny connection that. Usually characters take on false names and actors play them, not its the reverse with a character taking on an actor's name

Ah well you didn't hear anyone complaining about Halloween with Mike Myers, the name of a comedy actor

More detail will be added to the girl as I figure it out. Here's some details.

1. She's a Christian.
2. She's a research scientist at Biocon industries. Mainly due to her father owning it.
3. She's kinda like Numach's conscience and guide throughout the entire thing, telling him how to proceed n stuff.
4. Ultimately Numach and her will end up being more than friends.

Numach, comes off trite in his dialogue with Lon

What do you mean?

Also, if you only want people to read what you write, please don't come and ask in the Tutorials section. That's for teaching others about writing.

I did originally post there about help with storylines. But ppl were picking up what I said wrong so I said to read this to give them a clearer idea of what I meant.

Scene dialogues n stuff I'm not worrying too much about as basically this is the outline for a computer game I want to make. This stories main purpose is to set the storyline clear in my head so when it comes to coding it I have a better idea of what's happening.

Thanks for reading this and posting some suggestions.

What I'm really stuck on at the moment is what's to happen next...

[true_noir_chloe]

>>What do you mean?<<

[quote]
Numach staggers upward and says to the man “Who are you supposed to be? The cleaner?â€

[skynes]

I knew there was a problem with that bit Been trying to pick it apart and improve it for a while. The shoelace bit I wanna keep. It's a corny type of joke that I want in it.

[skynes]

This is what I have written on numach now. I've been making minor changes throughout the entire story, so that's why I'm reposting the first document.

I have a vague idea on where it's going to go from here but if you have any suggestions feel free to let me know.