CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

Nes dragged his feet across the floor and down the hall. The screams and moans of patients filled his ears, but he’s used to it by now. Room 214. Where is room 214? Ah. Room 208, almost there. The nasty green colored walls made him frown. He should paint them. Maybe some day when he gets out of this place he’ll go buy some paint. Orange paint. No, blue. Yes, blue is good. Blue is calming. Room 214, finally. He slowly walked inside. More gross, green walls. Except these walls had the faint marks of his drawings up the sides of it. One day he got so sick of his boring room he grabbed a black marker and drew beautiful murals on his walls. But the doctors made him scrub it off. He couldn’t get it all off so there was still some of his art visible. Don’t know why they punished a famous artist for just trying to make this nasty building a little more, nice. He stared at his bed. Why is his life so boring? He just walks freely around the hospital, lays in bed, and stares out the window. Ok, so he doesn’t walk freely. He’s only allowed down his hall because there’s a gate at the end blocking his way out. That’s there so the other patients don’t come in to try and kill him. He’s heard them screaming many times about how they want to kill people. It’s nice they have that gate there to protect him. There’s a few good patients in his hallway. A lot of the rooms are empty and the doors are locked. He likes standing at the gate and looking through. It’s like a different world for him. The security guard makes him nervous though. He’s always staring at Nes, watching his every move. What does that guard think of Nes? Does he think he’s crazy? HAHA that’s funny. He isn’t crazy! He’s a famous artist. How could he be crazy? He laughed out loud. He heard more screaming down the halls. Poor wretches.
Nes threw himself on his bed and began mumbling to himself, talking of the things he didn’t understand about this place. He pulled a marker out of his pocket and began drawing on the sheets.


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this is just a short story i wrote in one of my college class because i was bored. tell me your thoughts.

*Using her Lit knowledge, darkelf tries to explain what she thinks of the story*

I like the way you wrote this. The sentence structure reveals the mental state of his mind. Nice! I like the character development of Nes as the story goes on.

Good job ^^

You change tenses a number of times, but as ~darkelfgirl~ said, it could be to indicate his state of mind.

I like it.

I agree with Anna Mae: there are tense change errors, but true, this may be intentional. If so, I'm assuming the lack of punctuation to distinguish thoughts from simple narration pertains to the state of the character's mind, as well.

Cool idea. I really enjoy trippy, morbid stories like this.

The past tenses are confusing and jarring but not in a good way. The story is otherwise very good and interesting but it could be expanded so much more. I feel just out of that, you could flesh it out to two pages or more.
Please write more about it, it's very promising for a start.

hehe yeah i just wrote it in class and i was bored...i like writing about people in asylums or mental hospitals and such. and a lot of hospitals have nasty green walls and i always hate them...so i added alittle of my own personality...hehe.
yeah i kind of made all the punctuation errors and weird changes to indicate his random thoughts running through his head. so you are right about that.
thanks for all the comments =]