CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

This will be my first time submitting a story to the site, so please forgive how sloppy it will probably be. I'm so nervous.... I’m almost unsure of whether I should even try... But, if you don't try, you will probably regret it. So, without further adieu, I bring you the first installment of:
On the Dark Side of the Moon. It's science fiction, and more installments will be posted "approximately whenever I feel like it", about once a week, or whenever I can find the energy to drag my lazy behind to the computer

Installment I, introduction
This story takes place ten years after humans made their first contact with other intelligent life forms, a race of aliens called the Loam. After discovering the existence of Earth, so rich with natural resources, they forced the people of Earth to harvest the resources for them. They were eventually overthrown by a lady named Laowra Jarson, who became one of the most respected and beloved heroes humanity had ever known. Eight years after the fight, most of the world is restored. The moon colony in particular flourished. Other races of aliens made contact with humans, most of them friendly. But pockets of Loam hide, waiting for the opportune moment to avenge themselves against the humans who defeated them. (Cheesy as this may sound, I assure you the plot and character designs I have come up with are not. And no, it is most certainly not in any way like Star Trek.) Please wait until the second installment to pass judgement. I appreciate it.

Good plot! I know it's scary i have a few stories up and i'm always afraid of my sloppiness *sigh which seems to be my trend...
But don't give up all you can do is try and the more you write the better you get...
if you want to see sloppy check out my thread, "Umm...me trying to write a story." i get some good criticism from people trying to get my behind writing lol
Don't give up just try and write without worrying what people say or think...
God bless

There is nother to worry about here. Me and the other writers are not going to bite your head off for simple mistakes and the like. Yeesh, it took me a couple of pages to begin on my story.

I think you have a good story idea. Personally, I am horrible at critiquing..so you won't usually get much more from me than a hearty "huzzah, keep up the good work" sort of message. However, there are some very talented ppl on here who are alot better and alot more qualified to make suggestions than I am. But don't worry, they are all very nice ^_^

Great, I'm glad you decided to write something here.^^ I'll wait and see what you do with the story once you start writing. It sounds interesting so far.

All right, here it is. The second installment! Remember, this story's setting is similar to Cowboy Bebop, but with the occasional alien.
Oh, and it's in a place called Bordertown, on the Moon.

Installment II
A California condor circled overhead, spreading its sweeping wings to their fullest, coming to land on the top of a tree. Breathtaking. Too bad it wasn’t real.
Pen put down her quill, staring up at the artificial sky of the dome in deep thought. Her real name was Penelope (a name she despised) but people called her by her nickname Pen. It really was more suitable, due to her knack for writing. She brushed a strand of whispy brown hair out of her face, staring down at a half-written poem. The lady at the front of the dome called out to her in an irritable voice.
“Hey, girl, pack it up! The library’s closing.â€

No need to be nervous, this really is good! Good job!

This is really good. Write more! ^_^

Ooo, your story has got my interest. It's sounds like a neat concept and I look forward to finding out what happens with Pen. Is this your first story?

I'm so glad you like it! No, this isn't my first story, but it's the first one I've ever posted. I will post more of it later today, or perhaps tomorrow.

All right, here you go. The third installment. And for all you action-lovers, don't worry. The story will become action-packed in a few more installments.

All that could be heard from the inside of the apartment was the occasional snore and the faint chatter of the Hologram Vision. Pen quietly drifted past her grandmother, who was napping on the couch, to her room. Rifling through the disorder that covered every last inch of the floor, she picked up an outfit and proceeded to change. After shrugging off the neat starched school uniform, she donned a lighter sleeveless shirt and long, slim denim pants. These pants were her treasure, a gift on her 17th birthday several months weeks before.
"Pen, these are for you. They pre-date the Enslavement. I wore them when I was your age, before jeans became made out of synthetic material. They're real denim."
Pen remembered how her mother's face had glowed when she tried them on. They may have been a little short, but they were the best present anyone could have given her. Pen walked right back out of the apartment. She was going to show these to her friends on the Dark Side. It gave her no small satisfaction that even the rich kids at her school didn't have anything nearly as cool as these pants. She was about to descend the stairs, and she would have, except her mother was climbing them.
"Pen, those jeans look great on you! I'm so glad you like them."
"Yeah, they're really nice."
"Wait a minute, where are you headed off to?"
"The Dark Side."
Her mom's mouth fell open.
"In real denim?!?"
"Well, yeah."
She almost dropped the groceries she was carrying.
"What are you thinking?! A good third of the people there are starving! You'd be mugged faster than you could say 'Hey, where'd my pants go?'"
Pen's face turned red. It had not occured to her that she was about to do something extremely foolish, not to mention extremely dangerous.
"If you want to visit the Dark Side, you change out of those right now!"
"Yes, Mom."
"And help me with the groceries."
Ten minutes later Pen was out the door again, ready to go. She walked down the stairs to the bus stop at the corner. For a mere twenty dollars ($2.00 in our current currency) you could ride to the edge of Bordertown in comfort. A few minutes later the bus arrived. She slipped the money into the driver's hand as the doors hissed shut behind her.

>>You'd be mugged faster than you could say 'Hey, where'd my pants go?'"<<

LOL

This is a neat story because I really like your character, Pen. I loved the way you used the denim as something precious and rare. Neat idea. *lightbulb switching on*

Keep writing and I'll keep reading. ^_^

And as long as you keep reading, I'll keep writing.
I'm sorry I haven't posted much lately, I'm been very busy, what with the holidays, and all. I will post the fourth installment tomorrow.

Very good and I saw no problems. I'm not going to scrutinize every little word and grammar to find problems, it would be unnecessary and absolutely kill me.

This is really an unnecessary comment, you can heed to it if you want to. I have found that the most successful writers are ones that beforehand researched into the topics that would be present in the book. Take John Grisham, he knows the inside and outside of the law biz. Michael Chrichton puts into his science fiction books all the information we need on the relative technology, be it cloning, nano-technology, or even time-travel. The great masters such as Mark Twain knew everything about the location and other little tid bits. I do hope I am not boring you with this, and I would think that you are wondering about what the point of this rambling is, eh? Well to get back on track, if I was you I would explain why denim is so expensive, such as the economic why, industrial why, and whatever else you find would explain your world. Heck, if you wanted to, you could explain the manufacturing of denim! Of course you don't want it becoming a college paper, but adding real world examples and explainations only helps the reader understand your world and also see that you spent time on it and that it wasn't a passing thought.

That paragraph on the one hand is really for a novel that is planning to be published, so that is why it is unnecessary. And as a final rephrase, research, even though it is going to make writing harder and is a pain in the butt, will make the novel more enjoyable to the reader and will more than likely boost sales.

Forgive me for this long-windedness.

No need to worry, Icarus, here it is. By the way, since I'm studying to be a writer, I've decided to copyright my story. Who knows, some day I may want to publish it. So, henceforth this story is copyrighted by Kesshin (my pen name, no pun intended), 2003.
Now that that's over, I bring you the fourth installment.

Installment IV
The bus was filled with people who lived on the Dark Side, but had day jobs in Bordertown. Pen plopped down next to an older man with graying hair and a sarcastic face. She grinned at him.
"Hello, Julius."
Normally he would have smiled back at her, but something was troubling him. Finally he spoke.
"Pen, I think you'd do best to stay out of the Dark Side today. Something's going down."
She sighed, exasperated.
"First my mom, now you. And what's your reason? Is it another gang fight?"
He fidgeted.
"I hear it might be related to the Loam. Maybe it's just some yap flappin' his jaw, maybe not. You just never know. Twelve recent deaths, kid. Twelve. I don't want you to be the thirteenth."
"Julius, I know how to handle myself."
"So did my cousin Dave. But that didn't stop them from killing him."
"I-I'm sorry."
"Don't be. Just do me a favor, will ya? Stay out of the Dark Side for a few days. 'Least till things calm down."
Pen considered. Julius had been her friend for a long time, and she trusted his judgement.
"Fine."
She pulled the cord dangling above her head, signaling for the bus to stop.
"I'll stay away two days; three, maybe. No promises."
"You do that."
She stepped off the bus.
"See ya, kid!"
She waved as the bus continued on its way. Then it turned a corner and was gone. Pen walked back home, discouraged. She had looked forward to seeing her friends. As she walked in the door of the apartment, all eyes in the room turned to her.
"Um, what's going on?"
Her mother broke down crying. Thank goodness you're all right! You forgot to take the cell phone with you. I was on the verge of sending your father..."
Pen's dad was there, ashen-faced and still in his work clothes.
"Come see..."
They led her into the living room. The Hologram Vision was turned to the news channel.
"Good evening," announced a rather smiley lady. "We received word a few moments ago that another killing has taken place. We bring you live to the Dark Side, where Chester Colefield is on the scene. Chester?"
"Thank you, Cynthia. The police have confirmed the death of two more people here on the Dark Side. Their bodies were discovered ripped to shreds just an hour ago. The Loam are suspected."
Pen's face went pale.
"Honey, are you okay?"
"I'll be fine. I just need to lie down."
Julius had been right. That could have been her. That could have been her.

Lochaber, I read your post right after I posted the fourth installment. I'm happy to have your seal of approval. It means a lot to me. Anyway, about researching the surroundings and explaining them, I will take that to heart. I will try to explain more in-depth from now on. Thanks for the advice.

That was good advice, Lochabar, and so true for us writers.

Kesshin, I love a good mystery. Wow, 14 murders, ooooo the suspense. ^_^

Thank you kindly, Valerie. ^_^ In the next installment I'll be introducing a new character, and a whole new problem. Get ready for more suspense!

Kesshin wrote:In the next installment I'll be introducing a new character, and a whole new problem. Get ready for more suspense!

New characters:
New problems:
More suspence:

Two out of three ain't bad. I think I can live with the last.
*Note: the preceding was said lightheartedly, and with a smile on my face. Not to discourage. Suspence is good. I guess.*

I'll try to restrain myself from writing too much suspense.
And a message to people reading my story:
I really need help. I've got a new character, I know how he fits into the plot, but I can't come up with a name! He's 17, dark-haired, short, and has serious grudge issues. Suggestions, anyone?

Oh man, if this doesn't make me laugh. Names are really my bane for my stories. It took me days (no wait weeks) to decide on the names of my human characters. The names aren't set in stone though . Of course, Chloe and Sangoku will help you find your character name as they helped me, but still it is your choice not ours. I am evil aren't I?

Yep.
j\k.
I'm certain someone must have a suggestion. Please??
Chloe, maybe Icarus.... I really can't write the next installment without one.

Is this fellow a good person or more sinister?

Well, I really was just joking about not having any suggestions. My suggestion is to use family members or just names you are familiar with such as friends that would best describe him. Also Sangoku gave me this website to help me: http://www.behindthename.com (not a link).

Edit: Well, the link worked.

Thanks, Lochaber. And to Bunny, well, he's not evil, just really cold. Technically he's a "good guy", but he has a long way to go to becoming a Christian.

I like Lucas.

Okay, I've narrowed it down to Aaron, Reese, Anthony, and Damian. I'm still open to suggestions, though.