CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

My creative writing teacher put out a challenge to the class to write a short story based on a situation that changed a character's life. This was my result. Please critique. I'll love you forever.



[font=Times New Roman][size=100]“That stuff’ll kill you.â€

A little girl with chocolate swirl hair stood in the doorway, facing me. She had bluebird eyes that fluttered under beewing lashes and everything about her warmed my skin like sunlight. She was summertime in every sense of the word. She glanced down at me, lying there on a blue rug with fibers that rubbed me too much like a cat’s tongue.

[font=Times New Roman][size=100]“What are you doing?â€

I haven't read all of this thoroughly, but from what I have read I find it to be of good quality, and without a bunch of cliches... I like it...

Wow. Truly, truly amazing.
Even if, as a reader, I haven't experienced all of what the character has, there are still things I can find in common; that lostness and despair that I think many or all of us experience at one time or another.
And the way you've concluded thoughts that were started with real and satisfactory answers is... I'm not sure what to call it. Good seems too light a word; but it's really, really skillful and fantastic.
Generally I shy away from writing anything that isn't science-fiction or fantasy based because I'm never sure if I can convey what I want to say without heavily veiling it in imaginary settings. The way you've done what I've wanted to do is stunning.
Really, I'm not kidding when I say this is one of the better stories I've read all year. The fact that it's so poignant, well-written just in the text sense, and has so much more in the deeper sense of themes, messages etc... well, I hope you can understand what I'm trying to sum up about how I feel/what I think about it. Like I said before: stunning.
I really hope more people get to read this; it's fantastic and actually lets you finish with good things to think about.

I wish I could say more; but I'll just finish by saying that this is definitely a stunning piece of writing, with more to it than just mere words.

Aaand you made me feel so good just then.
I'm really glad you liked it and connected with it! I think that's the best thing any writer can ask for.

I'm going to be really cheap and just second Photosoph's opinion. Nice. First shot, I was sure I'd hate the thing. But when it ended, I was pleasantly surprised.

Wow. That was just... Wow. It was so original and powerful.

Magekind wrote:I'm going to be really cheap and just second Photosoph's opinion. Nice. First shot, I was sure I'd hate the thing. But when it ended, I was pleasantly surprised.

I'm gonna choose to be delighted with that comment. haha.

Thanks for such positive reviews, guys. I kinda feel the need to ask some things, though.
Mainly I'm wondering if anyone felt something was missing at any point.
One thing I noticed after reading through it for the first time was that I didn't name my main character, the girl, or the mother. I'm not sure if naming my characters would make a difference in how well I characterized them... but then, I didn't go big on characterization with this in the first place.
Another thing is I'm not sure if the scene with the mother is real enough. I don't feel like the conversation flows naturally but I'm wondering if that's alright in this case seeing as the whole thing is more of a bizarre dream. I was thinking about doing more with setting inside her childhood home too.
So if anyone has anything to say about that, I'd be grateful. Although I appreciate your reactions too.

Seriously, I didn't notice anything missing. There could be something, I guess, but I can't see what.
As for the things you mentioned:
The name: eh? She doesn't have a name? o_O I thought it was mentioned once or twice. It was a few days ago that I read this, though; so my memory I guess isn't 100% up to par. Hmm... a name could be good to fit in there. It would help, at the very least, to give people a name to refer to your main character by when they think about the story afterwards. ^_^
The mother: I found that scene fine. Because I think you'd already talked about the mother a lot, or at least as I reader I got a sense of her through what the main character remembered, the mother already has a set role/personality/character/whatever that should be called. Also, I remember when I was reading what the mother was saying in that dream sequence that I just took her words as though the mother was talking to a young child; so the simplicity of the statement and the way she said things seemed to fit well.
Adding to the childhood home's setting: I guess you could add a little bit, but don't overdo it, if you can help that. It flows naturally as is (at least in my opinion), although you could add a bit more writing to that scene to point out some more um... 'points' (can't think of a better word at this point in time, heh ^_^" ).

*Whistles* Not bad, not bad at all... I could feel the emotions in the piece quite clearly. I think some work should be done on the transitional points though. There are too drastic changes from the exposition to the rising action and so forth. A few quick prior references to the girl before her accident and how she is different from the narrator would be beneficitial to the theme of the story. The climax just pops in there without that.

On the names, leave Jonas as the only one. In surrealist themes, having a focal reality you can say hidges the story together. Jonas and the cranes act as that. The cranes are the symbols for this narrative.

Wonderfully written, but just work on the transitions to scenes and strengthen the symbols and theme.