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I wrote this last week, just decided to put it up here. I've been trying to switch over to structured poetry, with consistent meter and some sort of rhyme, which for me at this point, is confining, but hopefully, with practice, it will become more natural.



The Hymn of the Sojourner (Weak and Weary Sinner)

Weak and weary sinner,
tired and burdened down,
guilt is weighing heavy on your brow;

law demands perfection.
You just failed again.
Strivings are in vain - you just can't win.

People all around you,
wielding swords of sin,
piercing to the deepest part within.

Sorrows are unnumbered,
tears long dried away,
none to ease the pain that now holds sway.

Faith now seems so small, you
cannot see ahead.
Providence, a myst'ry left unsaid.

Where is there relief for
weary souls to find?
Oh God - heal broken souls and evil bind.

On a hill, in darkness,
there His body hangs,
Maker of the world your death to pay.

Love, so vast, so deep, He's
giving all it costs
to save His own from pain, from tears, from loss.

Sinful hearts forgiven -
here is not our home.
Father calling gently, "Come, My own.

Few more days to suffer;
sin shall then be gone.
Till then, beloved, loved one, keep on."

Ah...the wording is good. But the structure is one I'm not familiar with. It feels...incomplete, rhythm-wise. But Q is a nutcase when it comes to proper rhythms...might just be me...

Its good, but the beginnig is very simular to "untitled hymn by Chris Rice I'd concider changing it

QtheQreater wrote:Ah...the wording is good. But the structure is one I'm not familiar with. It feels...incomplete, rhythm-wise. But Q is a nutcase when it comes to proper rhythms...might just be me...

Yeah, I agree with the strange structure. It is something like 6,5,9 each phrase. I usually do 8's, or 8,6, alternating - just an experiment.

creed4 wrote:Its good, but the beginnig is very simular to "untitled hymn by Chris Rice I'd concider changing it

I guess I should look at the song. Thanks for the comment, though.

edit: looked up the song lyrics, and the first line is similar - he says "Weak and wounded sinner." Beyond that there aren't any similarities, but now I know why that came to mind.

Kokhiri Sojourn wrote:I've been trying to switch over to structured poetry, with consistent meter and some sort of rhyme, which for me at this point, is confining, but hopefully, with practice, it will become more natural.

I like your use of slant rhymes like "down" and "brow," "hangs" and "pay." Using rhymes that aren't perfect matches helps to lessen the sing-song effect that end rhyme sometimes creates.

Although the meter is consistent, it tends to be my impression that short lines are less suited to serious subject matter than longer lines (of, say, ten or twelve syllables). Your occasional unconventional sentence structures ("the pain that now holds sway," "Maker of the world your death to pay") are a bit unfortunate in that they give the lines a stilted feel, but the syntax in general is at least lucid.

The strongest parts of this poem are those that are rooted in concrete statements and specific imagery]edit: looked up the song lyrics, and the first line is similar - he says "Weak and wounded sinner." Beyond that there aren't any similarities, but now I know why that came to mind.[/quote]
I strongly doubt that Chris Rice was the first one to write that phrase, since a similar line also appears in the hymn "Come Ye Sinners" (come ye sinners, poor and needy / weak and wounded, sick and sore). So, it's unlikely that there would be any real copyright issues with your own first line.