CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

Here's the real poem I didn't post in my last topic. enjoy.

"Fear Of Heights"

Oh we are planning, at such great heights,

And we are scheming, and pushing, with all of our might

moving words and placing thoughts

Memory shifts and Desire Lost,


Don't forget what the bad men say

"it hurts awhile and then it goes away"

Don't forget what the needles say

"I'll hurt but then I'll make it go away."


Black thoughts they consume you

and the mocker still remains

He laughs at your tears

his trade enhanced by your every fear


And oh, we are dying at such great heights

living slowly for the rest of our life

"EXIST!" Scream it to the sky

You who love, if only

it is a love to die




Yes, we are screaming

Our bodies clothed in black

But why don't you cheer up

'stead of mourning the "Souls" you lack?

The fact that I have to bump a thread such as this one assures me that no-one is reading such trite, compact feelings of universal loathing, and being as such, restores my faith in humanity.



Sadly, this does not put Zarn's bread on the table. You could argue that seeing as I am a student, et al, I never work, therefore, I do not actually buy bread for any kitchen service, specifically the table, but then I would call you a kneebiter, throw a shoe at you, and run away.


Just a thought.

i like your poem...wouldn't know how to critique it because i sometimes don't understand poems but yours sounds good to me

Zarn Ishtare wrote:The fact that I have to bump a thread such as this one assures me that no-one is reading such trite, compact feelings of universal loathing, and being as such, restores my faith in humanity.

The thoughts themselves aren't trite, but the rhyme scheme of the poem might be what is making it sound that way to you. The second stanza is the most obvious example, with each of the four lines having the same end rhyme, but some of the other rhyme schemes, like the aabb pattern in the first stanza, also have a somewhat trite and singsong-ish feel by nature.

Giving the poem a uniform meter and rhyme instead of varying it from stanza to stanza would give the poem a more unified, deliberate feel. An abab rhyme scheme is no more difficult than aabb, but it has a less singsong feel than the aabb scheme because couplets, unless handled extremely well, naturally tend to sound trite.

Also, I must admit that I am a little puzzled by the final stanza; it seems to have a different tone than the rest of the poem.

In general, I think that there is nothing wrong with the thoughts that you express in this poem. It is a fine start, and a more formal organization would make it sound more sophisticated, if that is the effect you want.

I like how your title fits with the rest of the poem. In the second stanza is the second line supposed to be what the bad men say? The first line of the third stanza is in need of some punctuation.

What is the message you are trying to get across with this poem?

Hm.



No clue.


what so ever.

But on a more serious note, my poems, such as they are, are expressions of emotions, images that cling to my mind long after the forced that invoked them has left...So not often do I have a really declarable message. So often my work can be defined as railing against humanity as a whole, and others are merely things that sounded right together, or images that expressed themselves in my mind. Of the four I've recently put up as serious work, Only Faces and Deeper Down can be described as having a message or purpose: For Faces, it was expanding on a phone call I had with a friend about the masks people wear. For Deeper Down, it was a miserable exploration of how no answer, now word I could find seemed good enough, sounded right enough....combined with fear and self loathing, as well as a dash of panic.


Sorry if this takes away the little mystique my poetry still contains, but you did ask, you know.

I don't mind at all. I appreciate the explanation.