CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

I am really trying to become a better writer and I have found that only by criticism , constructive, that is would help me. Also to learn from various writers.


Here is the first post ^^ THis is the re-edited version for those of you who posted before. Also this is just part of the chapter and not the whole chapter, I've changed a lot of it and I hope this is better.

DISCERNMENT

The crescent moon hovered over Lake Shiane. Restless clouds swirled past, throwing the lake and adjacent town of Crestwood into darkness. Even though the year was 2005, the small town still maintained its quaint feeling and was not disturbed by the bustling of the technological overload.

Across from the lake, on the overpass that was commonly referred to as “Twilight’s loveâ€

I like the description it is very clear. I have to admit as soon as I read the part with the two jumping off the cliff and flying away I was hooked. I always like it when fantasy stories start the story right off the bat, by showing me some magic,creatures ect. But, the thing is, I don't like it when someone ends a chapter before we even get to know the main character.
I will, however read the next chapter but, next time make sure we know more about your character before you end it that way people will want to come back to see what happens to their friend. (The main character)

The description is very good, but I found myself wanting alittle more in the way of time and place. You mention both an Asian and a European, but which country are they in, and what year is it? 1706? 2006?

[quote] “Do you think this town is ready Helen?â€

Yep yep, I will edit and this isn't the first chapter just part of the first chapter ^^ I'll edit and I will post another part soon ^^

MUUUUUCH Better! Her response is now direct and her feelings are clear. Nice way to sneak in the date as well.

girlninja wrote:Lake Shiane, just east of the town, glistened]
Comma, not semi-colon, unless you change "giving" to "gave" (preferably "rendered").

Two lone figures stood on the overpass above Lake Shiane, their silhouettes unnoticed. One, a six foot tall Asian, wore a gold hoop in one ear. The other, a European female, with characteristic gold hair and pale skin, paced.

I think you either want to put some more description here, or leave it out all together. "Characteristic" gold hair?
[quote]“Do you think this town is ready Helen?â€

Aya...lol a lot to look at when i write but very helpful ^^ i'm not going to fix everything yet because well that is what editing is for but i will most likely switch things around ^^ So please look for teh reedited version and hopefully the rest of the chapter thank you all ^^

okay guys on the first post is my re-edited version that you originally read. So please re-read and give me your intake whether it was better or not. And what I need to work on. Thank you

OK, first off, this is much, much, much better than the first installment. I like the pacing and dialogue (although the dialogue between the first pair is more believable than the doctor's discussion with Ron). I think the descriptions are better. The transition between the two segments is very improved - I like the way you did that.

Some more detailed comments to follow.

girlninja wrote:The crescent moon hovered over Lake Shiane. Restless clouds swirled past, throwing the lake and adjacent town of Crestwood into darkness. Even though the year was 2005, the small town still maintained its quaint feeling and was not disturbed by the bustling of the technological overload.

Don't feel too obligated to staple this down to 2005. In fact, you'll do better if you work on your contrasts rather than break the reader's suspension of disbelief with some random concrete reality. And you'll note the last two sentences are very disjointed -- what do they have to do with each other, and the rest of the opening? I'd save the bit about the town and its environs for a later passage, perhaps. Or else describe it more here -- or is it more important to get to the characters? The latter, I think.

He nodded and they faced Lake Shaane, gazed at the hundred foot drop and jumped.

Try "He nodded. Turning together, they faced Lake Shaane, gazed briefly at the hundred foot drop, then jumped." (or "...drop, and jumped.") I really like this passage. The reader is suddenly startled. The first hook.

Is it Lake Shiane or Lake Shaane?

[quote]“The church!â€

"Plastered on" smile. Seen that before? It isn't so much fake as it is... a face. Just a look. Not necessarily a distant or unfriendly look.

Meh, but don't mind me. You're the one giving the comments, and it does make sense.