CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

I'm writing a new story, but I'd like you to evaluate my style and such before I go much more, so I can adapt and fix things as they need to be fixed. I'll post a part of it...

A siren wailed, and Jason, Bianca, and Morgan came rushing into the control room.
“What’s happening? Is there someth-“ the sight on the main view screen cut Jason off. Jesse was in the middle of a battle against three Daor model suits. And the fight wasn’t going good. One suit blurred, then shot through Jesse’s Tiara. Her suit couldn’t take much more. Jason turned and started to run out the door, but Bianca grabbed his arm.
“Let go of me! I’m going to help her!â€

Well, your writing style is very clean. The description is very well done so I was able to picture everything in my head. The only thing is that there were some terms in the story I didn't understand such as: Tiara. Now I know that a tiara is a crown for a woman but, I'm sure you use this word differently. You might try explaining what a tiara does that way the readers aren't confused.

The Tiara is the name of the ship. This is only a part of the story, so it will be explained beforehand.

Hmmm, it is very difficult to judge from such a small snippet, but I do have some comments. Style seems good, the narrative flows well, and the pacing is fine. Because this is a snippet, I assume we are introduced to these characters earlier on, because right now, they're individual personalities are a complete mystery. However, I will say that for being soldiers, they don't act very 'military'. Sure, military personel are chummy and casual most of the time, but they are anything but casual in life-or-death situations, such as being under attack. First off, who's in charge? If the station is attacked, someone is going to order reinforcements sent out to protect the station (right now, it seems like there was only one ship outside, the Tiara.) I also felt Jason gave up a rescue way to easily, especially for how angry he is at the end. I felt someone that upset would not be stopped by a plea for his own saftey but rather by a direct military command. Lastly, the conversation about Marco seems misplaced in the middle of a battle. I realize he is mentioned because he has some special relationship with Jesse, but unless he was injured in the story right before this incident (and the mention of a long-term coma suggests he wasn't), it just doesn't seem he would be the topic of conversation while they are under attack.

If I am mistaken about any of my assumptions or impressions about the characters, then it probably means you'll need to make certain facts more clear for the reader. I feel it's a good beginning (even though it isn't actually the begining . Just be sure and think things through for each of your characters. Good, believable characters are key to a good story. Good luck!

Thanks. This takes place far, far later in the story. I just thought of it and had to write it down, so I did.