CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

This is a story I wrote for a project. My friends and family like it but I would like some unbiased opinions please. Also, I haven't fully edited it yet, so there may be some grammitical errors.

TWIG, part 1
Deep in the hot climate of South America, long before the first signs of Whiteman, and before the conquest of the Spanish imposing as gods in their shining armor, there was a small island where the Isun tribe lived. As history unfolds, this island fades into oblivion; it’s people and it's culture blended into others in the chaos of fate lost forever in the deep pits of the forgotten. But, unknown to modern people, this island did what modern democracies and government structures strive to do, but could never accomplish. In this island, paradise was realized. There was no thirst or hunger. Everyone had shelter. Murder and violence was as far as legend. Everyone on this tranquil island lived together in harmony.

The reason for this, as the Isun would say, is their mighty chief. He lives in his isolated hut on the Forbidden Hill. No one, except selected official were allowed to see him. Few people remember his face. But they all remember his accomplishments. It was he who had led the island through their greatest famine by negotiating with their once sworn enemies for food. It was he who gathered all the surrounding tribes to unite against western invaders. It was he who made this tribe the paradise it was.

To celebrate the chief’s glorious rein, the Champion Tournament was held. All the strongest men under the chief’s rule met once a year to compete for the ultimate title of “The Chief’s Champion.â€

I think it sounds really cool so far. I don't usually read many short stories, but I started browsing through yours and then really started wanting to read more. ^_^

Thanks, here's part 2

A man named Roar appeared next to Twig on the trial. He was strong, like all in this tournament, and tall. His eyes were always open and staring as if he was about to attack. His mouth expressed full anger.

“You do not deserve to be here,â€

I've already read this story in fact. (I know gameoverblue in real life) I recommend this story to everyone who will read. It's a very cool story!

I agree; it is really cool.
One thing I picked up thought was this: "Twig, having many years of experience, question the truth" maybe it should be questioned?
Yet another cool chapter. Keep them coming! ^_^

thanks, again, now for chapter 3

By the time Twig and the other contestants reached the third tournament spot, the day was coming to a close. The light was fading, and the shadows became more defined than the objects in the evanescent light. The area was a large field, covered in long plants. Soft sounds of the swishing of the grass broke the almost complete silence. The slight darkness made Twig unable to see it clearly until his eyes adjusted.

“The next competition is here!â€

Np.
S'more! Yay! ^_^
-Just out of curiosity, how many chapters are there altogether?

I think there will be two more chapters after this one.

time for chapter 4.

Twig awoke at the sound of the mob’s excited cheers. The crowd was outside Twig's wigwam, waiting for his appearance. Twig exited the wigwam, with support of his stick, and an echo of cheers surrounded the village. He stood and gave a smile. He wanted to say something heroic, but his voice staled. He simply waved.
Twig refused the aid of the crowd and limped, his hand raw from the staff, over to the other nine men. The Chief's Mouth signaled the men to follow him. Roar dashed in front of Twig, glaring back at him, but saying nothing.

The next test was fairly close to the village. It was on the beach, with the dawning sun glittering on the moist sand. Two groups of seven-foot high pillars stood in the sand. There was a twenty-foot empty area separating the groups . In each group sat ten pillars, about five feet apart. In between the groups, there laid ten sticks.

"This event will test your balance," said the Chief's Mouth. "You will be divided into two groups of five. Each group will be on the pillars and must attempt to knock one another off the pillars. The last man of each group will compete in the last game. Gather your sticks!"

The men selected a stick and climbed on one of the five-foot tall pillars in their group. Twig required aid, which some of the crowd members gladly gave. Others gladly jeered.

"GO!" shouted the Chief's Mouth. Twig looked at the closest contestant. His name was Fire He had a large burn on the side of his face. He glared at Twig, said "I'll get you last", and then jumped to a pillar closer to another man. Twig noticed a sound of cheer as Stone, on the other group, swatted a contestant in the chest. The man flew to the ground, with his head thudding against a pillar. The man grasped his hand in pain and exited the area.

On Twig’s area, Roar and Sun, the man Twig noticed the night before, carefully swatted at each other as the other two watched. Twig remained silent and unnoticed. Sun ducked and narrowly dodged a thrust by Roar and then jabbed Roar in the face. Roar tried to gain balance, but was pummeled by the Sun’s stick in the stomach. He fell to the sand. He stood and stared angrily at Twig, and then laughed at him.

Twig noticed a small bug in a crack on the pillar in front of him.

More cheers arose on Stone’s side. The three remaining men decided to work together to knock Stone off. The tallest, named Tree, kept jabbing Stone, while the other two tried to knock him off his feet. Stone, in a display that left the audience in awe, jumped to the pillar beside Tree and, lightning fast, jumped behind him. Stone spun around and struck tree so hard the stick broke. He fell of the pillar, blood Following. Stone, before that man hit the ground, hopped to the pillar in front and jabbed another contestant in the stomach. He regurgitated, and fell to the ground. The last contestant stared terrified at Stone. Stone glanced over at him and gave a small wave of the hand. The contestant hopped down with relief.

The audience pointed it’s attention toward Twig’s group. Twig stood at one end, maintaining his balance despite his broken leg, staring at the other three remaining contestants. They were slowly hitting each other, but in fear of falling off themselves, stayed conservative. Eventually, the new arrival of the majority of the crowd boasted their enthusiasm. One tried to jump to a corresponding pillar, but over jumped, and fell with his head inches away from the hard impact of the wooden pillar. The last two contestants stayed on their pillars trying their hardest to keep their balance, while enduring the other’s impacts. Eventually, the one with a burn scar ducked and sliced the feet from under Sun. Sun fell head first as his hip hit the side of the pillar and left a chunk on it.

The audience cheered as the contest was considered done. The man smiled at the crowd and looked at Twig. Several crowd members urged Twig to stay on. Others encouraged Fire to hurry and knock Twig off before the crippled man gave up. The scarred man was very careful, and planned his jumps carefully. Finally, he was one pillar away from Twig. He taunted Twig and asked him to stay on. Twig stared unmoving, standing on his one good leg, with his stick ready to jab. The man leaped to his final pillar. Twig, while the scarred man was in mid flight, hurled his stick into the pillar. The pillar broke open, revealing the bug infestation in it. The scarred man gave one last cry as he landed on the broken, bug-filled pillar and fell to the ground. The crowd broke into anger, laughter, and awe.

The scarred man picked up his stick and charge at Twig, still stranded on the high pillar. The Chief’s Mouth ordered him to stopped, but in vein. The man, injured himself, whirled the stick at Twig. Twig dodged but lost balance, and fell off the pillar and on his right arm. The snap of his arm was louder than Twig’s shout of pain. The Chief’s Mouth ordered Fire’s removal.

Many audience members, including Twig’s father, rushed to Twig’s aid. They lifted up the new-found hero.

“Son, you have made me proud,â€

Sheesh! I felt my emotion-strings being plucked at the last paragraph. [I]“I cannot,â€

chapter 5

The Chief’s Mouth led Twig and Stone to another end of the beach a few miles away. The sand caused Twig problems, but he mustered his journey.
The final area lay before him. The reflecting sea sat next to the endless sand beach. From atop a cliff, the crowd sat enjoying the grand view of the finale. The sound of their cheers echoed so loudly that interpreting an individual voice was impossible.
The only people in this area were Twig, Stone, The Chief’s Mouth, and two men holding two boars. The boars struggled, jumped and kick, their sharp tusks inches from the men’s abdomen. They squealed louder than the crowd. Two spears lay on the ground at Twig's feet.
“The first to kill a boar shall be the Chief’s Champion!â€

last chapter

The Chief's Mouth said this loudly despite the crowd's loud cheering. They abruptly stopped cheering. They stood staring at the insignificant Chief's Champion. The Chief's Mouth had already lead the dumbfounded Twig up the long path to the Forbidden Hut.

Twig was scared. He had no understanding of what happened, and feared the viewing public would not accept his absorbing of Stone's glory. He also was raised to never come near, much less enter, the Forbidden Hut. But here he was, the new-found loser of the tournament, entering the most forbidden area in the island, taking attention from who Twig thought deserved it most.

The Chief’s Mouth entered the hut with the bending of the wooden door. He motioned silently for Twig to enter. He did. The room was dark. A small fire burned in the middle. The smoke exited through a hole in the roof. On a chair lay a figure of no recognition. He was old and pale, lit only by the little light from the window. He raised his head and showed his pale, faded face. His eyes seemed to be his only strength. They were happy and excited, though years of disappointment showed forth. He tried to stand, but his back cracked and he fell into his familiar home of his chair. His back had a hump in it, Twig noticed as he attempted to stand again. The Chief’s mouth rushed to the Chief’s aid.

“Spare me!â€

That was so cool!
Sorry I didn't post earlier -I wasn't on CAA yesterday. What a great ending -in fact, the whole thought behind each trial, the way they piece together at the end, and who the chief really is etc is really well-thought out and well-written. Did you do a lot of planning before writing, or did you just write and then edit it later, or did you just write and it all just kinda flowed?

Hmm, I just skimmed the story (sadly, I don't have time to read it slowly).

I liked it a great deal and I am very much impressed. There were a few gramatical problems and some words that didn't quite work, but I liked the effort with many of them, for example, at one point a contestant 'regurgitated'. While it's a good word to have in your dictonary, but it seemed too constrainted here. When I think regurgitate, I think voluntary, controlled vomiting, like when a bird feeds her young. This contestant obviously didn't want to vomit and did so quite violently I'm sure, so using plain ol' 'vomit' would work better.

Also, on more than one occasion the 'narrator refers to the crowd who are jeering Twig as 'ignorant fools'. Since, your whole point with Twig and these people was how cruelly they treated him and labeled him weak and worthless, it felt awkard to have the narrator repeatedly lump these people into such a bitter blanket judgement. It felt just a little like the pot calling the kettle black.

The last thing I would mention is perhaps toning down the initially pleasant description of their society a little. If murder and violence are all but legend, then how would you describe Roar's and Fire's treatment of Twig? It certianly didn't seem like a paradise for him. Perhaps you should mention a lack of war, rather than a lack of violence on this island.

But again, I was very much impressed with your ideas and the solutions to the trials you came up with. I see much promise in your writing, and with some grammar practice, I see you writing publish-worthy stories.

Right, grammar isn't my strong area. I may get this published, and if I do, I will probably have to check over it.

The initial part about the paradise was essential to the story's theme. I wanted the reader to understand what the leader was and did at the very beginning of the story. Violence, at least outside the contest, wasn't present. Yes, there was some egotism in some of the people, but that is human nature. and it explained the reason for the cheif's hiding.

I'm also glad you caught that "Narrator giving an opinion." Normally I would edit that out, but I wanted the reader to have the opinion I wanted them to have. I may cut that out though.

As for the idea, I had it and developed it over many years. I was, however, very lazy and didn't write it until this project came.

Thank you for your opinions.