CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

This thread will contain ONLY posts written BY ME from the similarly-named thread in Goof Off, to minimize the amount of fluff one has to wade through. I request that the mods keep this thread as I have mentioned until the story is completed, to make things more accessible. I'm pretty sure that there will be a "Compendium" thread to follow soon after, that shows all the non-me material.

Dramatis Personae
CASN News Crew:
Ingemar
Shooraijin
Technomancer
Sunako
Mechana
Contestants
Omega Amen
UC Pseudonym
CDL Viking
True Noir Chloe
CB Wing 0
Ronin of Kirai
Zilch
Gypsy
Mave
Elric-kun
Ashley
Shatterheart
Little T-Chan
Melody Maker
Loyal Hangers-on
Doubleshadow
Hitokiri
The rest of the CAA
Judges
Yuki Sohma androgynous teen hearthrob
Tohru Honda Wide eyed schoolgirl
Mr. T toughest man in the world
Paul Martin Canadian Prime Minister-in-Exile
H.M. Murdock VA Hospital regular
Mysterious figures
The Grand Patriarchate of CAA
John Yamamoto, D.D.S. 4th Dan Kendoka
A bug

Synopsis: A grand tournament, VR style, with CAA's best and brightest

NOTE: For the first annual tournament, please check http://christiananime.net/showthread.php?t=856&page=33&pp=10&highlight=tournament
and subsequent pages.

Ingemar:
Good eve-a-nin' ladies and gentlefools--I mean, folks. This is the Christian Anime Sports Network (CASN). Tonight, we are fortunate to revive a once-forgotten tradition, the Annual Christian Anime Alliance Tournament.
Shooraijin:
And good evening folks, I'm Ingy's co-anchor, Shooraijin. Also known as Shooby, Doc Shoo, and Ol' Brown Shoo. Once again we are ready for a delightful hiatus from our exhortation to love one another, and fight each other to the death.
Ingemar:
Heh heh, you may be the resident (snicker) doctor, but it is I that will prescribe an ionic compound of sodium and chloride to accompany your brazen statements.
Shooraijin:
(whisper) That was lame!
Ingemar:
(whisper) No it wasn't! (normal) At any rate, allow me to qualify the good Doctor's statement. The all powerful patriarchate of the CAA* will select contestants from the ranks of the Christian Anime Alliance for this event. Sixteen fighters will compete for the title of Champion in a simulated environment, sorta like the Matrix. This VR battleground mimics the sensation of pain and even 'death', but without actually dealing any physical harm to the contestants. It's all of the thrillin' with none of the killin'.
Shooraijin:
Refresh my memory; who was last year's champion?
Ingemar:
Sadly, there was none. The inventor of the VR environment, your Nazarene pal Old Philosopher, got mad that he lost in the preliminaries even though he cheated by manipulating the program to his advantage. He destroyed the machine and the contest never finished. The CASN has banned him from the tournament forever.

(in a padded cell in parts unknown)
Doctor:
He suffers from dementia and chronic ADHD.
Oldphil:
BWAHAHA! I, OLDPHIL NEVER LOSE! I CANNOT LOSE! I AM THE CHAMPION OF THE CAA TOURNAMENT! FEAR ME, OH TREE! NEW COKE IS THE BEST EVER! SLEEP IS FOR THE WEEK! GET IT? WEEK? HAHAHAHA! SEVEN DAYS OF AWAKE-BEING IS WHAT'S FER ME! I LIKE ICE CREAM BUT I PREFER THE BLOOD FLAVORED VARIETY, NICE AND STICKY WARM!

Shooraijin:
Yeowch. And how did we manage a new VR system?
Ingemar:
Government funding. Let's say, I love slipshod Congressional politics.
Shooraijin:
?????
Ingemar:
Nevermind. All right folks, that's all for now. Please tune in later as we get the results for the matchups!

Preliminary matchups:
http://christiananime.net/attachment.php?attachmentid=11684

Prelims 1 & 2

Ingemar:
Welcome back dudes and dudettes to the breathtaking world of Christian Fighting Sports! Once again I'm Ingemar Pedron presiding over the exhilirating office of bring sports news fresh from my lips to your ears!
Shooraijin:
And I'm Doc Kaiser, aka Shooby Dooby Doo, fellow commentator and Triton*. Well well, it looks like the painstaking selection process is over and the games are about to begin!

(elsewhere)
All powerful Patriarchate of the CAA: Nyeehahaha! I choose you! And you! And you! Attack and annihilate each other with indiscriminate violence! Even you, T-Chan!

Ingemar:
Today we have two ever-so-exciting matches lined up for you. First off is the ever courteous, diplomatic yet deadly Chinese martial artist-turned engineer Omega Amen vs. mysterious reformed villain-turned Mennonite Domestic Man of Mystery UC Pseudonym. My sweatdrops are monolithically filling out change-of-residence forms as I sit in jittery anticipation of the upcoming matches!
Shooraijin:
And now comes the Referee, with a brief explanation of the rules.


Referee:
Okay gentlemen, let's get the rules straight. I will flip the coin, and one of you will call it in the air. The winner of the toss will choose either the battle environment or the game mode. The loser will determine what the winner did not (ie, he will chose the environment if the winner chose the game mode). The two game modes are as follows: Classical Deathmatch or Freestyle. In Classical Deathmatch, weapons and equipment will 'spawn' in random places like in a Deathmatch FPS. However, in that mode, the players may not use their own personal equipment. Freestyle mode is the opposite--players may use their own equipment, but no weapons will appear in random places. Also, feel free to use all aspects of the environment--terrain, hazards, and even fixed weapons--to your advantage. May the best man win!

Omega Amen vs. UC Pseudonym
Coin toss winner: Omega Amen
Game Mode: Freestyle
Game Environment: Great Wall of China

(Omega Amen and UC face off on the top of the Great Wall, in a region surrounded with rolling mountains. They stare each other down, in a really cool Anime-esque manner. OMEGA is sipping tea.)

Omega:
(slurp)
UC:
You seem awfully confident. Does it even bother you that if I were so inclined, I could have killed you at least three times by now?
Omega:
My deepest apologies. I was merely taking in the environment. Besides, why aren't you "so inclined?" We're in a contest and winner takes all.
UC:
My my, aren't we sure of ourself? You didn't even need to opt for the use of weapons. If that "Days of the Life" History is to be taken seriously, I am not one to with which to be trifled.
Omega:
I suppose not, but I believe a true warrior needs only one's body to win a match. And by the way, if I were so inclined, I could have struck you at least 200 times during this conversation. As it turns out, I was in fact, inclined!
(200 tiny scratches suddenly appear on UC's body. Nothing serious, though--but HELLACOOL!)
UC:
.......I see. If that is your decision.................. PREPARE YOURSELF!!!
(UC dashes DBZ-style towards Omega. They rapidly trade hits a la DBZ, and materialize in and out of the battlefield--again, like DBZ).
Omega:
You've got skill. As you've said, I can't trifle with you. No worries, for I am a practitioner of CHINESE MARTIAL ARTS! (does a super floating kick that blows UC away)
UC:
Unngh!
Omega:
You're good at unarmed combat, but I believe the match is mine.
UC:
Who said anything about me being unarmed?
(UC materializes a Masamune out of thin air. He advances at blinding speed and strikes at Omega, who evades)
Omega:
Again I underestimate you. But you know my dictum about warriors not needing weapons?
UC:
Hmmm?
Omega:
That was just a smoke screen.
(Omega pulls out a concealed sword from his garment and rushes at godlike speed to UC. He strikes with the butt of the sword, which UC manages to block with his Masamune. But the Masamune breaks in the middle. Also UC flies back so far that he gets burried in a mountain).
Omega:
(sips tea and leaves)....Actually, wait. As long as we're on the Great Wall and on the subject of Chinese Martial Arts, I might as well give you the grace of segwaying out of that horrid DBZ style to a more elegant Chinese style. (he flies like in those movies and delivers a finishing blow to UC, who collapses looking very SD)


Ingemar:
Wow oh wow oh wow! Didja see that!
Shooraijin:
Just barely, Ingy-boy. And if I were so inclined, I'd take up Jeet Kune Do so I'd be all invincible like that!
Ingemar:
Anyhow, next up is everyone's favorite Mom--True Noir Chole--versus the lovable seminarian known shortly as Viking!
Shooraijin:
(a la Ralph Wiggum) Oh Boy! Action is where I'm a viking!
Ingemar:
(a la Mr. T) Shut up, foo!

Chloe vs. Viking
Toss winner: Viking
Game mode: Classical deathmatch
Game Environment: Futuristic Metropolis

(Chole runs through the streets, tunnels and blocks of the city gathering weapons for the fight. Elsewhere, Viking is only walking, with his head down, until he finds a H&K USP which he picks up half-heartedly. Later, near a bullet train track and a bridge with those stereotypical flying cars, they encounter each other. Chloe takes aim with dual Berettas, but hesitates. CDLviking doesn't even bother taking out his piece)
Chloe:
What's the matter?
Viking:
It's just.... no, I can't bring myself to fight such a nice woman, even in a mere video game!
Chloe:
Don't worry dear! It is just a game, after all!
Viking:
I suppose. But you and me--a Protestant and a Catholic--it just fills makes me feel uneasy, what with the Thirty years war and the whole Ireland thing. I mean, competition is OK, but I don't like the idea of having to shoot a friend--even in a simulated environment!
Chloe:
I understand how you feel, but right now we got to do what we were called to do. God sometimes puts us in these uncomfortable situations to see how we react, and give us an opportunity to grow in Him. So please--
Viking:
--Did I mention that you're on a train track and the 3:30 is coming to you at 450 Km/h?
(Chloe turns and finds the train coming at an alarming rate. She jumps and hovers a-la Trinity and lands on one of the tracks. Viking, Matrix-esque, jumps to the bridge and lands on one of the cars, which he crushes in slow-motion. Chloe fires, but literally misses by a mile. Viking hops on top of another car and looks on, laughing maniacally).
Viking:
Residual uneasiness over the Catholic/Protestant split? HA! Let me tell you something Missus; deception is the key to all sorts of great victories! You're too soft, Chole! I'm the greatest! I can crush you like a bug! A bug, I say!
(as Viking is talking, he slams against a highway sign as the car speeds. He is flattened like a pancake and little angels are flying around his head. Chloe heads over)
Chloe:
And let me tell *you* something, sir! God has a sense of humor and humbles those who exalt themselves. I would sermonize by now, but I think you learned your lesson. I pray that your shattered ego recovers and that you don't take this loss too harshly!
Viking:
Urrrgh....

Ingemar:
Yeowch! Some Churchman he was. But the moral of this story: Don't mess with Texas!
Shoo:
That sounds more like something Ashley would say. Speaking of which, she and other favorites will battle for the title of Champion in the days to come! What do you think, Ingy?
Ingemar:
As Ashley is the only veteran of the previous Tournament, she is surely one of the favorites. But so are Shatterheart, the Ronin of Kirai, and Gypsy. These will be total barrages of actions you will not want to miss. Be sure to tune in next time to CASN!!!!

EDIT: The winner of the first match is Omega.
*--the mascot of UCSD

Prelims 3 & 4
Ingemar:
Hi and welcome back everyfolks to CASN's presentation of the 2nd Annual CAA Tournament. Brought to you by St. Peter's Brand Hickory Smoked Bacon. "Because if Jesus said it's clean, it's gotta be good!"
Shooraijin:
That's great Ingy. Tonight we shall continue the Preliminary Bracket of the tournament. First off we'll have CB Wing 0 against poutine-munching Administrator Gypsy. This looks like a thrilling match up, don't you agree?
Ingemar:
Sure is, Doc Kaiser, but not to be outdone in terms of sheer thrillage is the Ronin of Kirai against Zilch, brother of the aforementioned poutine-lover. These two shall compete for the title of "Successor to Cepha--" I mean, "Champion", along with the rest of these hungry young fighters.
Shooraijin:
You know, Chloe isn't that young.
Ingemar:
Whatever. And without further ado, let's get to the games:

CB v. Gypsy
Coin Toss Winner: CB
Game mode: Freestyle
Game environment: Kasserine Pass, Tunisia, 1942

(The setting is an arid desert. There are smoking, destroyed vehicles everywhere. GYPSY is walking cautiously through the ruins, with a large shuriken in hand and some spare boomerangs on her belt, and she is searching behind the tanks and half-tracks carefully. Unbeknowest (sp?) to her, CB is taking aim near a smoldering wrekage with a semi-auto .308 Win sniper rifle. Just as he squeezes the trigger, GYPSY ducks to check under another wreckage for signs of the enemy. He misses, and GYPSY is immediately alerted to the ricochet of the round. She runs for cover near a smoking wrekage)

Gypsy:
Aha! I know you're out there somewhere! Come on out and fight me like a man! My stupid little brother has more guts than you!
(Instead, CB shoots around the smoking wreckage. GYPSY shrieks and is shocked in a very SD-animeish style. Still SD, GYPSY runs away like mad for another cover)
Gypsy:
Hmph! Some fighter he is! Never mind, he can't shoot at me forever. I ought to dash to the point of origin and take him out!--- If only I knew how....
(Yet another rifle report. The bullet grazes GYPSY on the left side of the neck from behind. She jumps in shock, but collects herself and dashes like mad to the direction of the shot. Indeed, she sees CB and yelling with tremendous power, hurls a shuriken at him. It barely misses his face, but clips some of his hair.
CB:
WUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGH! My hair! My precious hair!
Gypsy:
Serves you right for holing yourself away like a rat! Now I've fought my fair share of zombies, trolls and leprechauns. You are nothing! Prepare to eat my dust you, you--dust eater!
CB:
No one messes up my hair. And besides, in the game of Deathmatch, one must remove all obstacles in order to achieve the path of victory. Sorry I couldn't just hand you over the flower of "Strongest"; because that flower belongs to me.
Gypsy:
Enough talk. I still have to beat my little brother. Here I go!

(GYPSY throws a boomerang at CB, who jumps out of the way. In midair, he dives toward GYPSY with a mighty punch, but GYPSY evades. GYPSY counterattacks with a quick kick to CB's face. It knocks him down)

Gypsy:
Ha! You're nothing but talk. And if we're talking about removing all obstacles to the path of victory, I could have easily banned you and won the bracket by default. You are nothing! Prepare to--
CB:
Can you step a little to the right?
Gypsy:
Oh, fine. Prepare to die--
(What GYPSY does not realize is that her missed boomerang was returning. It flies back and knocks her senseless. CB picks it and breaks it in his hand)
CB:
Hmph. I wouldn't let a thing like honesty hold me back either. And now, victory is mine.
(CB mans a deserted machine gun on a tank and repeatedly shoots GYPSY).


Ingemar:
Woah! That was some intense, brutal combat there! I had my money on Gypsy, but I'm alway up for surprises!
Shoo:
Well, it looks like the much-speculated Gypsy v. Zilch matchup will never happen. That's fine though; I'm prett sure they have enough rivalry at home.
Ingemar:
Speaking of Zilch, his battle against the tenacious Ronin of Kirai is up next! Stay tuned!

Zilch vs. Ronin of Kirai
Toss: Ronin of Kirai
Style: Freestyle
Environment: Neo-Babylon c. 2522

(As the name of the gameplay environment suggests, the setting is a dark city lit by towering edifices, much like the ancient ziggurats--only futuristic! RONIN of KIRAI is standing atop one of the many ziggurats, bokken in hand. He scans the horizon for his opponent)

Ronin:
All right, stay sharp. He could come from anywhere, at anytime. But that's OK! "Cuz I am a Jedi Knight, and the Force is strong with me!" (takes his bokken) VWING! VWING! I, the Ronin of Kirai (not ai!) will defeat the little Maine-livin', GRG-writin, Gypsy-as-a-sister-havin' opponent of mine! And the Island of CAA is the best, the bombest story ever! Oh, yeah y'all!

(stand around still in Jedi Knight mode for like 15 seconds. Then he relaxes and looks around)

Ronin:
Yup, Ingemar shore should be proud o' me! Cuz, you know.... I'm cool. Yeah, that's me.

(Nothing. Three hours later at the Newsdesk of CASN)

Ingemar:
What is the FREAKING HOLDUP?
Shooraijin:
Apparently, Zilch is not in the combat zone.
Ingemar:
What? How the $&%@# is that possible? +@$#%, this sucks!

BREAKING NEWS
Technomancer:
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Christian Anime Sports Network (CASN) News Update. I am Technomancer. Earlier this evening, CASN co-anchor Ingemar was canned after an outburst of foul language and misconduct, following a veritable standstill during the 4th preliminary of the CAA Tournament. He is reported having said, and I quote, "If I wanted to continue a job in dealing with mind-numbing... ahem... uh, 'expletive,' I would still be working at the supermarket." His lawyers have issued no comment.

On a personal note, in light of the recent American elections, as a foreign observer, all I wanted to say was: I'm disappointed that you put a madman on the helm of the Ship of State, I hope you're all happy and you richly deserve whatever misfortune you get. Goodnight.
Director:
Uh, Mr. Mancer, your spot isn't over yet.
Technomancer:
Oh? Oh... uh.... Continuing with the topic of the fourth preliminary, we now turn to Shooraijin:
Shooraijin:
Not over yet. Sorry. Zilch isn't there.
Technomancer:
Isn't that odd. You'd think having received a summons from the Grand Patriarchate of CAA and with all the hubub, he'd at least be inclined to--

(ZILCH pops out of nowhere, with a lot of luggage)

Zilch:
Hey everybody! Been a long time, but with school work and general mischief afoot, I haven't been able to get into the swing o' things! How's Ash and the rest of them?
Technomancer:
They're fine.
Shooraijin:
Yes, she and your sister, and in fact, fourteen other members are participating in the 2nd Annual CAA tournament.
Zilch:
Dandy! I wish I were participating too.
Technomancer:
YOU ARE. Haven't you checked your PM's?
Shoo:
In fact, your match with Ronin is going on RIGHT NOW. Just look at the poor guy:


Ronin:
(imitating UC) "The circle is now complete. At first you were the student now YOU are the master." Oh yay Psuedo-Sensei! I won't let you down! VWING VWING VWING! Prepare to eat dust! Yaaaaaaaah!


Zilch:
Oh.... boy. Uhhhm.... I'm dead, aren't I?
Tech:
You're as good as. Fortunately, Ingemar has a restraining order on you.
Zilch:
OK, fine, I forfeit. Boy, am I red in the face!

Interviews
Technomancer:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to CASN. I'm Technomancer, filling in for our recently-canned, Canadian-by-citizenship-only anchor Ingemar. I am here in the Battlers' Lounge with Omega Amen, winner of the first preliminary bracket.
Omega:
(sips tea) Technomancer.
Tech:
Now I (as I am sure many of your fans are) wondering, what exactly was going on in your mind in your fight against UC Pseudonym?
Omega:
Well, first of all, I was of course a little nervous since UC is a leader in the august organization of the CAA, and since he wields much authority, and commands the respect of literally hundreds. He's practically a human manifestation of virtú. Nevertheless, I was confident in my training as a Chinese Martial Artist, and the hope of favour from my beloved parents spurred me forward. And with such a large "cult" following I have, so to speak, I did not want to disappoint.
Technomancer:
But I think some of your fans were also fond of UC.
Omega:
If that is so, then I am sorry. But the times (and whoever this Grand Patriarchate is) called for us to do battle, to which neither of us had a choice to do something otherwise.
Technomancer:
Very well. Thank you Omega.
Omega:
My pleasure.
Technomancer:
And here with us now is UC Pseudonym, who lost to Omega, though by a narrow enough margin. UC, any hard feelings?
UC:
None at all. In fact, I was pleased that our "august order," as Omega succinctly put it, has great members like him. Omega, and of course, our other treasured members are the reason we as a community thrive.
Technomancer:
Some viewers speculate whether or not you or any of the Leadership used or would use your authority to rig the match. UC, what would you say to these allegations?
UC:
Well Tech, I think my loss more than proves that we, the moderators, are not rigging the matches in our favor. Also, Gypsy lost her match to CB despite being a higher-ranking administrator then me. Furthermore, the penultimate preliminary will be two of the highest-ranking members pitted against each other, so there really can't be much effective rigging unless there's some kind of power struggle. So in conclusion, I assure you there's no threat of mod power against other members. Unless, of course, the moderators turn out to be better fighters than their opponents....
Technomancer:
Any final thoughts?
UC
Like I said, I harbor no hard feelings against my opponent. One day, we both will stand before our Judge and give an account of all our deeds, big and small, deliberate and careless. When that day comes, I will say with confidence that I held a good, fair fight, and that Omega is my friend. Besides, it is just the Goof Off section, and things like this are expected to happen.
Technomancer:
Thank you. Next up, we have Shooraijin with CDLviking.

Shoo:
Thanks Tech. Vik, what's your thoughts on your fight with Chloe?
Vik:
Well Shoo, I'm not sure about this whole Karma thing, but it certainly made itself sure about me! I thought I could win this battle without breaking a sweat, but as it turned out, things got hot because my pants aren't fireproof.
Shoo:
Is there anything you would have done differently?
Vik:
Yeah... I should have just relied on my skills (of which I had plenty, that went to waste) and on straight-out fighting rather than deception. Maybe things would have turned out to my favor.
Shoo:
Thank you. And here with us now is True Noir Chloe, winner of match 2. Anything you'd like to share with us?
Chloe:
Just one little thing. Viking, you're a great guy and I love you, but you got what you deserved! Actually, I think I won by pure luck, so I guess I shouldn't be too hard on you. Did I mention I still love you? I'm excited about my next match with Omega (and a little nervous!) and I'll do my best and see this thing through. And I jsut wanted to shout out to my Elric-kun, I love you, but if we face off I won't hold back!
Shooraijin:
Thank you. And with us now is Gypsy, who lost her battle with CB, who isn't here right now for an interview. Gypsy...
Gypsy:
Hey doc! Man, I almost had that battle! I really shouldn't have underestimated CB. I guess next time, if there is a next time, I'll remember not to have boomerangs as my weapon of choice.
Shooraijin:
Gypsy, fans were expecting a Gypsy v. Zilch battle, but of course that's no longer possible. Thoughts?
Gypsy:
That's always possible! Come to Maine and we'll show you the battle of a lifetime!
Shooraijin:
Right-o. Well that's all the time we have for right now. This is CASN.

Prelims 5

Shooraijin:
Good evening and Merry Christmas! We once again continue with the Preliminary Matches of CASN's....
Technomancer:
(interrupts) Don't you mean Happy Holidays?
Shooraijin:
Ahem. It was understood that 100% of our demographic consisted of Christians. Anyways, let's continue on to the CASN's tournament, sponsored by S-Mart. For all your Christmas shopping needs, shop smart. Shop S-Mart.
Technomancer:
And let me remind our viewers that they are under no compulsion to grease the corporate machine this holiday season. Christmas is about Christ, not 4th-quarter sales. It is simply our obligation as beneficiaries of S-Mart that we mention them at all, and not my intention to manufacture your consent. If you do not feel compelled to purchase anything from these oligarchs of capitalism, then don't support them. I implore you.
Shooraijin:
(whispering) Tech, S-Mart is just a small, independently-owned department store based in central California!
Technomancer:
Oh sure, NOW they are... next thing you know, they'll be an enormous multinational conglomerate who ruin local economies and exploit the Third World poor! People, we musnt--

BREAKING NEWS
Ingemar:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. CASN anchor Technomancer was fired recently for criticizing CASN sponsor and dilapidated retail store, S-Mart. He also faces a lawsuit for breach of contract.

Technomancer:
I'm being censored! REPRESSED! Your country is no longer a free society!

Ingemar:
S-Mart owner and operator John Everyman was not pleased with Technomancer's biting accusations.

S-Mart Owner:
We just spent our last $50 on an advertising spot on CASN, hoping to get some business our way. I've got 5 kids and my wife's expecting triplets. I certainly don't need the very guys we're supporting calling us the Devil. "Don't bite the hand that feeds you," they say.

Ingemar:
S-Mart's sales have not been very good since the "Evil Dead" incident in which one of their employees, Ash, faced down a horde of zombies. In other news--
Shooraijin:
Wait a minute! Weren't you fired?!?
Ingemar:
Um....
...
...
...
Just show the fights already.

Elric-Kun vs. Mave
Toss winner: Mave
Game mode: Classical Deathmatch
Game environment: Tokyo

(As Game Environment suggests, the two fighters are in the high-tech megapolis that is Tokyo. The only thing different from all the magazines and TV shows is that the streets are completely deserted. Perhaps the makers didn't want to bother with civilian casualties.

A "fight" doesn't really ensue. Since MAVE won the toss and chose the game mode, that left ELRIC to choose the environment. ELRIC, Japan-phile that he is, squanders his time listening to L'arc en Ciel, Gackt or whatever those stupid bands are called, and surrounded by cute stuffed animals only the Japanese can make. MAVE, armed with some "pineapple" grenades looks for ELRIC, albeit halfheartedly. She is too busy oohing and aahing over gigantic edifices with mondo telescreens and supermarkets dedicated solely to selling Manga.

MAVE finally stumbles upon ELRIC, in a mega mall with enough novelties unique to Japan to make an American otaku faint with giddy elation)

Mave:
I got you! (pulls pin on grenade)
Elric:
Shucks. I was just having fun. I mean, look! This is Tokyo, for crying out loud, and we both get to be here for free! And there's so much neat stuff, toys, anime and manga (why, this neko here is so big and fluffy and glompable XD). Why do you have to end it here and now, so soon? Don't you remember that we had you over at our house for a while? Didn't you have fun? Come on.
Mave:
(tosses grenade aside) Yeah, I suppose we can have a little bit of fun. I mean, I don't know whether I'll be able to go to "Japan" again.
Elric:
Coolness! You deserve a thousand cookies.



(suddenly, a CHORUS of catgirls appears, and the background changes into something you would only see in... well, an anime song.)
Elric and Mave:
Happy happy love love song time
I feel a warmth in my heart like strawberries
It tastes so good and I want some, yeah yeah
We love all our friends, and we want to play
In the seashore with those puppies there.

First Semichorus:
It's CAA Tournament time so let's fight
And win and have some marshmallows
It's fun and games until HYPER OBELDRIVE
When we turn and dance and LOCK THE BOAT
Leader of the First Semichorus:
Nyao nyao pussycat-chan!
Elric:
I love-love Tokyo
It's fun and quite and blue
The sky is nice and clean
Because no one pollutes

Second Semichorus:
Now go and blow kisses girl
The time to act is now
Tumble over the OLANJU DAINOUSAA
Leader of the Second Semichorus:
Becasuse you're so ferocious!

(the CHORUS and our two fighters get into a lively, fun dance.... until MAVE remembers that she pulled the pin from her grenade)
Mave:
Elric, watch out!
(Too late. The grenade explodes. And ELRIC with it)
Elric:
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!


Ingemar:
Woah, I was a bit worried that it would get boring again. But this is a nice twist, eh Shoo?
Shooraijin:
....Uh... why are you here?
Ingemar:
Next up is famed Psychoteer, Psycho Ann vs. Distinguished CAA citizen, Kokoro Daisuke. See you there!

About Elric and Mave's song. It's supposed to be in Japanese, except for the capitalized words (they may be confusing, but try to pronounce them as a Japanese person would). Also, I added a little Greek theatre touch. Talk about two different worlds converging.

CASN Christmas Special: The Thrilling Conclusion of the Preliminaries!
aka The End of the Beginning

Ingemar:
Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished sportsfans everywhere and my homies down in Sandy Eggo! Merry Christmas (or "Happy," for you Brits) to you all, and welcome to the Christmas--yes, Christmas-- special of CAA's 2nd Annual Tournament! Honored viewers, let us celebrate the birth of our Prince of Peace by relishing in VR bloodshed! Who needs football, hockey and those other stupid sports when you can watch the distinguished members of our community duke it out for the Flower of the Strongest? (tm)
Shooraijin:
(still puzzled) Um... why are you here? Weren't you fired--
Ingemar:
(interrupts) Yes, Shooby, Doc Holiday Shooraijinson! (or whoever you are). Instead of going into the gory details, lets just turn to the games at hand and enjoy them with a nice bottle of Soju* on hand!
Shooraijin:
Soju?
Ingemar:
In other news, resident Canadian Catholic Technomancer was rehired by our network after recieving grace. Tech, welcome back.
Technomancer:
(ON LOCATION AT CAA MAINFRAME CENTER)--It's good to be back, Ingemar. Though I do stand by my original actions. I hope your vacation is serving you well. Have you bought your Christmas presents?
Ingemar:
I was shopping for your present when, suddenly on the TV, you appeared and delivered your speech. I was so moved, and agreed so heartily that I said, "Ingemar, he's right! Christmas is too commercialized. Don't throw your money away for these corporate scumbags!" And that was the end of it.
Technomancer:
Oh... um... that's nice. Uh... (chokes a bit) I'm glad that you--
Ingemar:
Oh, don't be like that you big kidder! I have another bottle of Soju waiting here for you by the warm fire.
Technomancer:
Really? Wow, I never thought you'd do that for me. Gosh Ingy, I... thanks. Ahem! I'm here at the CAA Mainframe where the VR technology that brings you the Tournament lies. Up next is itchy-brained, Loki-loving citizen Kokoro Daisuke against Chino-Indo-American mangaka Psycho Ann. It looks like it has the potential to be a real thriller battle, don't you think, fellows?
Ingemar:
Oh yes.
Shooraijin:
(hic!) Hehehehe... uh.. (hic!) yup dup dup dup dup. I (hic!) love you, maaaaaaan!

Psycho Ann vs. Kokoro Daisuke
Toss Winner: Psycho Ann
Game Mode: Freestyle
Game Environment: Forgotten Capital (FFVII)

(The Forgotten Capital looks like a tropical sea environment, except out of water. KOKORO DAISUKE, with a bandoleer full of throwing knives, looks very jittery as she searches for ANN)

KD:
Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod, this is so thrilling, cool, scary, whatever! I may win this battle and the next one and that one after that and be the champ or die a horrible death here and that's the end of it, FINITO! (whew!) I have to cut down on the caffeine. <.<; I don't even stand a chance against anyone. I don't even know how I ended up in here in the first place. ^^; THINK THINK THINK THINK THINK!... meow?! Oh, where is she?

(walking around a gigantic conch shell, she finally finds PSYCHO ANN. ANN just gives a devilish smile kinda like in the Psychoteers manga (if you haven't read it, do it NOW!!!). She runs to KOKORO, who throws several knives, and misses)

PAnn:
You know, you really need to relax a little.
KD:
Relax? Relax!? I'll show you relaxed! RRROWWRR! (She pounces at ANN, as if to bite her. ANN uses some Aikido to get her out of the way. KD attacks, with the kicking and biting and heyhey it hurts... but not really. Because ANN uses more Aikido to use KD's neurotic fighting style against her. They fight down a clear spiral staircase to some kind of pedestal sticking out of a great big pond. ANN grabs KD and slams her ontop of the pedestal.)
PAnn:
You know what? You're nuts. Kinda like Psycho Jess.
KD:
I hate nuts. I'm allergic to them. But if I am nuts, and I'm allergic to nuts, then I'm allergic to me, and cannot, by definition, remain alive! Oh dear Lord!
PAnn:
Oh, so do you wish to concede?
KD:
Concede? Forget it! I made it this far into this stupid tournament, and I'm not gonna quit now!
PAnn:
What are you talking about? First of all, you were randomly selected. Second of all, this is just the preliminaries! Besides, I'm not a violent person by nature (despite what my manga would tell you). Let's just stop this right now.
KD:
No!

(As they are arguing, a man in a black cloak dives in with a extra long sword. He impales KD)


Ingemar:
OH! MY! GOD! UC Pseudonym hacked into the system and killed Kokoro Daisuke!
Shooraijjn:
(sobbing, head in arms) I'm sorry.... I'm sorry... it was all my fault... Mamaaaaaaa.....
Ingemar:
This is... a tragic turn of events. But I believe the judges will disqualify UC Psuedonym and redo the match--
UC:
Hey Ingemar.
Ingemar:
UC! How dare you sabotage the system and kill innocent hyper girls! You slick-talking Mennonite, I'll have you thrown in jail, I'll sue your butt!
UC:
That wasn't me.
Ingemar:
You think you can punk everyone around cuz you're a mod, you better get off my back before I lose my--What do you mean you didn't do it?
UC:
I'm still here. And Sephiroth is still there.
Ingemar:
Sephiroth?
UC:
According to the rulebook, the contest is a no-holds-barred competition, and whoever doesn't die or give up is the winner. The players must also watch out for any and all environmental hazards. I believe Sephiroth is the biggest environmental hazard in the Forgotten Capital, no?
Ingemar:
Hmmm, can a person be counted as an Environmental Hazard? Let's now turn to our judges...

(JUDGES discuss amongst themselves.)

Judge:
The addition of sentient programs, i.e. "people" will be recognized as a legitimate environmental hazard. Ergo, the fight will not be disqualified.
Ingemar:
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen! This could mean big things in considering Game Environment, huh Shooby?
Shooraijin:
(snoring)
Ingemar:
Be that way.

(Back to the fight. KD is still skewered on the Masamune, but she is not down for the count yet)
KD:
H...hey! I'm not finished yet. I don't care what those judges say, I'm not out! I haven't quit, nor am I dead. Let's finish this!
PAnn:
You're delusional. And you haven't even lost that much blood yet.
Sephiroth:
Um, can--can I go now?
PAnn:
Sure. (He leaves)
KD:
Come on, let's go! (She pulls out the sword, and more blood rushes out. She tries to attack ANN with it, but ANN evades very easily, since she is delerious)
PAnn:
Oh, nuts... (aside) Wait, that's it! (she miraculously procures some almonds from her pocket and shoves one into KD's eye. KD writhes in pain, her face turns red)
KD:
GYAAAAAHHHH! MY EYE! MY EYE! OH, THE HUMANITY! (lies on the floor with swollen face, massive bloodloss and eyes X'ed out)


Ingemar:
Well... that was... splendid. That's the spirit of Christmas Combat, never give up even if you get sworded in the back! Unfortunately for Kokoro Daisuke, things didn't turn up her way. There's always the consolation Christmas turkey, eh Doc?
Shooraijin:
'Eyyyy, brother... why not give yer ol' buddy a kiss? (hic!) Smoochy smoochy smooooooOOOO! (thud)
Ingemar:
Uh, nevermind. Coming up next is the battle of the Christmas holiday, the battle to define all battles: Ashley vs. Shatterheart!


*A Korean spirit made from barley. Methinks that sake is overused in anime.

Christmas Special cont'd
(*cue Mortal Kombat music*)

Ingemar:
Ladies and Gentlemen! The moment you've all been waiting for! The two Archadministrators duke it out in what promises to be the greatest rumble since Ali Vs. Frasier! Viewers and hangers-on, Ashley vs. Shatterheart!
Shooraijin:
(groggy) *snort* Huh? What's going on?
Ingemar:
Pay attention doc. It's time for a massacre! w00t! Whoever wins, there's bound to be multitudes of dead woodland creatures in retribution!!!

Ashley vs. Shatterheart
Toss Winner: Shatterheart
Game Mode: Classical Deathmatch
Game Environment: Noir York City


...
...
...
...
"Steve!"
No answer.
"Steve!"
No answer.
"What's gone with that fool, I wonder? You STEVE!"

The young shepherdess pulled her spectacles down and looked over them about the snowed-in streets; then she put them up and looked out under them. She seldom or never looked through them for so conspicuous a thing as an Admin; they were her state pair, the pride of her heart, and were built for "style," not service -- she could have seen through a pair of stove-lids just as well. She looked perplexed for a moment, and then said, not fiercely, but still loud enough for the lonely streetlights to hear:

"Well, I lay if I get hold of you I'll --"

She did not finish, for by this time she was bending down and punching next to a deserted brothel, and so she needed breath to punctuate the punches with. She resurrected nothing but some stray mongrels.

"I never did see that c-ocky Mainer. Wait till I give him a piece of my mind for all the times he's made fun of my driving!"

She went to the open door and stood in it and looked insidet among the dusty floorboards and "rubbers" that constituted the bordello. No Steve. So she lifted up her voice at an angle calculated for distance and shouted:

"You STEEEEEVE!"


....
....
....
....


I am SHATTERHEART.

I was selected by the Grand Patriarchate of CAA to do battle against her... my boss... my friend... some Texan that isn't good with snow.... LOL... yeah, it was Ashley. It was the wierdest thing.... out of the blue, you know... like an old friend who shows up at your Christmas party naked... not that I'd know anything about that... but Fate has a way of launching crud in your face like a camel with a bad cold... and you know how they spit a lot... yeah.

The past is a gaping hole... the more you try to run from it, the wider it gets... what I was going through in that Tournament had to happen one way or another... one day we were chilllin by Aaron's place... the next she's out to kill me... and I her... maybe because I made fun of her driving... or not... or something else.

The city was lonely and dark... kinda like a bad horror movie.... or a good horror movie for that matter. The sky ripped open and snow fell like so many packaging peanuts... nice and spongy soft... but cold... cold as the Devil's heart... it was as if the place became some twisted dark reality... *Noir* York City... but not Noir as in anime... Ami tells me that noir is French for black... and the city was nice and black... it was The Crow.

"Steve! Steve!"

Speaking of crows, one big, noisy Texan one was cawing for me.... yep, it was her... I hid away in a whorehouse (not what you think, I was just hiding).... and I waited... and I promised myself I wouldn't go too easy on her...

Then there was some loud thuds... some dogs in the room next to me started barking... not good... I didn't need some mutts to pwn me before I even got sight of Ash... I made like diarrhea and ran.... then the door opened...
...
...
...
...

Ashley:
I got you!
Shatterheart:
Ahhh! (He reaches behind and points at ASHLEY. He is holding nothing, but his hand is the shape of a gun)
Ashley:
What the heck are you doing?
Shatterheart:
What was I supposed to be doing?
Ashley:
This is Classical Deathmatch. You don't start with your own weapons, silly! You have to find them within the level.
Shatterheart:
Huh.
Ashley:
And besides, you picked this game mode. Oy, Steve...

(SHATTERHEART'S eyes widen. ASHLEY notices. On the far end of an alley across the brothel lies a shiny .44 Mag Colt Anaconda. Both make a mad rush for it)
Ashley:
Hey, look! It's The Crow!
Shatterheart:
Don't be serious, Ash. He can't possibly be-- (Distracted, he runs into a pole)
Ashley:
Haha, the game is mine!
Shatterheart:
Don't think so, Tex. Or should I say, "Butterfeet?" (ASHLEY slips over a sheet of ice. SHATTERHEART gets back up and heads for the weapon, but ASHLEY trips him. She runs for the weapon, grabs it, does a John Woo-style shootdive and hits SHATTERHEART in the chest).
Shatterheart:
...dang...
Ashley:
Hah! "Butterfeet?"


Ingemar:
Well, that was a little bit thrilling and disappointing. It's like ordering the Big Fight on Pay-Per-View only to have last two or three rounds. But I can't argue with success, hey?
Shooraijin:
Ugh... well.. at least you didn't have to pay fifty bucks to watch this match... Oh....
Ingemar:
And with that, the Shepherdess of CAA advances to the Quarterfinals. Finally, the two most loving and compassionate members duke it out... or should I say, hug it out?... in this the final match of the Prelims and our Christmas presentation. Ladies and Manfools, Little T-Chan and Melody Maker! Hey doc, you think these two will have the nerve to throw down and rip each other to shreds?
Shooraijin:
Please don't talk to me. I feel kinda sick. Isn't the customary Christmas spirit Egg Nog?
Ingemar:
Yes, I think these two softies will go Armageddon on each other!
Shooraijin:
Were you even listening?!?

Little T-Chan vs. Melody Maker
Toss winner: Little T-Chan
Game Mode: Freestyle
Game Environment: The North Pole

(Both "fighters" are clad in Christmassy outfit, standing next to a candystriped pole, that is the North Pole. Santa's workshop is in plain view)

LTC:
Merry Christmas, Melody Maker!
MM:
Merry Christmas, Little T-Chan! Say, normally my family plays nice big group games during the holidays, but this Grand Patriot or whatever his name is wants us to kill each other.
LTC:
Isn't that sad? That is so sad. It's Christmas, for Pete's sake!
MM:
I'd rather be home with my family.
LTC:
I'd rather eat candy and roast marshmallows and have fun!
MM:
Can't we have fun?
LTC:
Let's have fun, Mel!
MM:
I didn't get you a Christmas present.
LTC:
You can always give me a hug!
MM:
OK! (they hug)
LTC:
Oh, that was so sweet! You're so sweet, Mel!
MM:
No, you're sweet, T! You make the CAA a veritable candy store, you sweet, sweet girl!
LTC:
Oh, that's so nice of you! Let's hug again!


Ingemar:
Dear Lord. This is like reading a self-help novel.

MM:
Look, it's Santa!
Santa:
Ho Ho Ho! Why not come to my place for carolling and fruitcake and tea and goodies!
LTC:
Oh yes, yes, yes! ^_^ We love you Santa!
MM:
Yes, thank you, Santa!

(A CHORUS of catgirls appears, the same one from Elric vs. Mave. They sing Christmas songs with the three (in English!) MM and LTC are smiling and exchanging hugs all the while. Inside Santa's cottage, a lively gift exchange ensues)


Ingemar:
Make it stop make it stop MAKE IT STOP!!!
Audience:
Booo! This sucks!
Shooraijin:
Fah. I have to go to my real job in a couple of hours.

Chorus:
Fa la la la la, la la la la! Merry Christmas!
LTC:
And Merry Christmas to you! (pause) Gee Mel, I forgot we were even supposed to fight!
MM:
I had such a good time, I could concede right now.
LTC:
But that wouldn't be fair! What about my super powers?
MM:
Powers?

(LTC pulls out a scepter with a big red heart as its headpiece. She closes her eyes and puts it to her chest. Suddenly, the background becomes colorful and she glows bright, and becomes cloaked with warm, mystical energy. And she transforms into a colorful, vivid dress.Think Sailor Moon or some similar magical girl series)

LTC:
Super Love Love Kawaii Heart Transformation!!!... See, special powers! How do I look, Mel?
MM:
Wonderful!... unfortunately, I have no such powers myself. If I were to fight you now, I would definitely lose. I give up.
LTC:
Awww, Melody Maker, don't get down. You're a winner by my book no matter what happens. Flying Kiss Technique! (some "lips" fly to MM and plant a kiss on his cheek. He smiles and blushes, and collapses (still smiling) with hearts hovering over his head)

Ingemar:
Dear lord.... thank God that's over. Geez, I was about to go on a rampage here. Some fight, eh Shoo? Shoo? Oh, he left. I hope he took the bus... if you know what I mean. That's the Prelims, folks... yup. Quarterfinals are next.... and I'm gonna finish off the Christmas Pot Roast. This is CASN.

Ashley's point of view is an allusion to a famous 19th century American novel. Tell me what it is and you get... nothing. Except my undying love. Hopefully.

Inter-Round Hooplah
Ingemar:
Welcome gentlewomen and gentlemen to the exciting world of Christian Sports! Ingemar here reporting for prime-time exciting news-giving with Shooraijin EMDEEEEE!
Shooraijin:
Thank you Ingemar, I hope you folks at home had a wonderful, sober holiday season (glares at Ingemar)
Ingemar:
(tugs on his collar) Yes, well... The much-anticipated Quarterfinals are still up ahead as the competitors endure a gruelling bi-weekly. Surely the combatants are gearing up for a battle of Biblical proportions, like a fleet of B-17's loading their bomb bays! (as he is talking, (immediately following "gruelling bi-weekly" switch to footage of LITTLE T-CHAN playing in a swimming pool with MAVE and ASHLEY in some resort. OMEGA AMEN is sitting in a bar sipping tea while CB plays darts)
Shooraijin:
And now we turn to our Candian Intellectual correspondent, Technomancer, at the CAA's Multiplex Theatre, a place normally filled to capacity bringing an enthusiastic audience live feed of the VR combat.

Technomancer:
(LIVE OwaN LOCATION AT CAA MULTIPLEX)--Thank you, Doc. And Ingemar, how went your rash, George W-esque plan to take over Toronto?
Ingemar:
Oh, that never materialized. Someone else beat me to it, who eyewitnesses and conceptual artists describe as a massive, fire-breathing bug. But even I am not stupid enough to give that credence

(in parts unknown, a large black insect watching TV grins evilly)
Bug:
Good. Gooooooood.

Technomancer:
Very well. Anyway, this theatre, now home to stray popcorn kernels, will in two days be filled with fans great and small cheering for their respective picks. In other news, our Tournamnet Insider, Zilch, has been missing for the past six hours. Some say that he has gone into hiding after an off-color mark about the Alamo, while others, particularly those inclined to forming conspiracy theories, believe that he was abducted by hard-line Texans and (ahem) mutilated and exported to the Reptilian planet for scientific research.


Gypsy:
That'll teach him to talk crap about me.

Ingemar:
Thanks Tech. Now let us look at the results from the Mangafanatic vs. Sunako Thumbwrestling match....


Elsewhere....
(OMEGA AMEN, T.N. CHLOE, CBWING0, RONIN OF KIRAI, MAVE, PSYCHO ANN, ASHLEY and LITTLE T-CHAN walk up a snowy, forrested path to a European-looking chalet. They all have their luggage. OMEGA is of course, drinking tea from a thermos)

Ronin:
Ahem! So *why* exactly are we here?
CB:
Beats me. The invitation said, "Arrive promptly, and together."
Mave:
I heard that the Grand Patrimony or whatever it is has come to see us! Isn't that great?
Ashley:
Not so sure. If this "Grand Parasite" is sooooo important to the CAA, then how come I, the founder of the CAA, have never heard of him?
LTC:
Who knows why? =_=, Gee, now that you think of it, that is wierd! But maybe he or whoever it is will give us all hugs and high fives and candy for doing so well, huh Omega? Gosh, our parents will be so proud of us, I'm excited!
Omega:
(tea) Indeed.

(The massive wooden double doors of the chalet open. The combatants enter the antechamber. RONIN and LTC "ooh" and "aah" at all the decor, of various coats-of-arms and armor, European and Japanese. All members remove their coats and look around)

Voice:
Come on in.

(puzzled, they walk toward the source of the voice. They come to a large hall, large enough to function as a ballroom. A man is standing in front of the fireplace wearing spectacles like the ones Morpheus wears in the Matrix. The camera zooms in on him and there is a flash of lightning in the background)

Ronin:
Yikes! Dude!
Man:
The feeling is mutual. Welcome, fighters. I am John Yamamoto, an advocate of the Grand Patriarchate of CAA. Come, sit down, you must be full of questions.
Mave:
Oh yes.
Yamamoto:
Do you have a question?
Mave:
Where is the washroom? (she blushes)
Yamamoto:
Behind you, two doors on the left. Now, do any of you have any relevant questions, ie, the mechanics of the Tournament combat?
Ann:
Hmm... no. I mean, we all made it this far, right?
(they all nod in agreement. Silence)
Yamamoto:
....Well? No questions?
Ashley:
Well, yes! Now, who is this Grand Pa--
Yamamoto:
All these things will be answered in due time. The Patriarchate had decided to keep a low profile. You shall hear from him... or her.... or them some other time. For this reason, I am acting as his/her/their advocate. Now, all of you have performed.... rather well for this, the Second Tournament. The viewers are pleased, and as such, the Patriarchate is pleased.
LTC:
Oh thanks Mr. Yamamoto-san!
Yamamoto:
And! The Patriarchate has summoned you for some brief words. First of all--remember the nature of these battles. It is a simulated reality. Free your minds...
TNC:
Like the Matrix?
Yamamoto:
Shhhh! Do you want to get sued?... yes, like a movie involving simulated realities. To this end, most of you have not taken advantage of this fact. Kokoro Daisuke somewhat did by continuing after getting impaled, but still fell victim to her own thoughts. You, Omega, and you, T-chan, were a little better than most, demonstrating your talents past the extent of what reality allows.
Omega:
Interesting.
LTC:
Oh yeah! I'm gonna do great! Thank you so much Yamamoto-san, I want to hug you!
Yamamoto:
I'll pass. Remember, each of you determines who wins or loses. Ahem! Secondly, the Patriarchate wishes to inform you of some... alterations. Now, the Patriarchate, though detatched from you all, is keenly aware of the desires and expectations of the viewers. He... or she... or they... also wish to manipulate circumstance to maximize the "dramatic effect," so to speak. Therefore, there will be a slight modification in the bracket as it is. Bear in mind, though, that this will be the only modification of its kind in the Tournament... though those of you who make it to the Semifinals may find a different "alteration"....


(he hands them each a piece of paper. OMEGA and ASHLEY look especially surprised)

At the Losers' Lounge
(Most of the denizens are watching on the HDTV, with the exception of ELRIC playing air guitar while listening to Jrock mp3's and SHATTERHEART, in a kilt while KOKORO and GYPSY play a game with him involving whipped cream. YAMAMOTO enters, and they all look at him)

Yamamoto:
Don't worry. Your chance may yet come.



At the CASN Newsroom
Ingemar:
Holy smokes! This just in ladies and germs, the Grand Patriarchate has altered the bracket! I don't know why, but what this means is a strange upset in some of the crowds' expectations. We now bring you the bracket....(see attatchment). Well, the battle so many pundits were anticipating will happen sooner than expected. Will the Georgia Tech, bishoujo-posting Chinese swordsman beat the Queen of Kuteness? Find out soon! Let us now turn to the finals of the CAA Debating Tournament!


SManBeyond:
....And that is why, without a shadow of a doubt, the bread must always be served butter-side up.
Moderator:
Thank you, Mr. Beyond. Hitokiri, your rebuttal?
Hitokiri:
Yes, Phil. (ahem) YO MAMA~!
(SMANBEYOND burries his head in hands, in defeat)

Matchups:
http://christiananime.net/attachment.php?attachmentid=15812

Station I.D.
This is CASN, satellite channel 777. Sponsored by:

S-Mart. For all your daily needs, shop smart. Shop S-Mart.

and by:

Days in the Life of CAA, the true drama of the Christian Anime Alliance, written by Ingemar and directed/produced by Martin Scorsese.

and also by:

The Most Holy Dominion of Lord Lothar. "Canada today, the Northern Hemisphere tomorrow!"

Bug (from earlier):
Good. Gooooooooood.

Music and dance provided by The Kawai Kawai Neko-chan Club, the newest J-pop uber-cutie sensation!, currently touring in the regions dominated by the CAA Patriarchate.

Chorus:
Hello hello CAA-jin
We're really happy to sing today
We sing like birds and the bees
But we promise we won't
Reproduce with you.

(Go easy on them, they've only had a month of English lessons).

We would also like to recognize the Tourney's distinguished panel of Judges. Starting from the left is the ex-PM of the region formerly known as Canada, Paul Martin. From his recent stay at the VA Medical center is Captain (ret.) H.M. Murdock. Next is wide-eyed schoolgirl Tohru Honda and androgynous bishounen Yuki Sohma. Last but not least is token black judge Laurence Tureaud, more popularly known as Mr. T!

Mr. T:
Who you callin' "token," suckah? I pity you, foo!

The QUARTERFINALS!

Ingemar:
Good evening ladies and gents, welcome to the much-anticipated Quarterfinals! I'm Ingy the Mar. With us at the CAA Multiplex is Doc Shooraijin, Technomancer being out on some kind of official business.


(some building titled MOST HOLY DOMINION OF LORD LOTHAR GOVERNMENT BUILDING. A smaller sign next to it says "Citizen re-registration." There's a long line into the building. TECHNOMANCER is perusing a form.)

Technomancer:
Let's see... number 1... "Please specify your species." Okaaaaay. Um, sir, why isn't homo sapiens an option?
Clerk:
Oh, just check this one here.
Technomancer:
Stock animals?! I don't like the look of this.


Shooraijin:
(LIVE ON LOCATION AT CAA MULTIPLEX)--Yes, hi there Ingemar. I'm here at the Theatre, which tonight is packed at more than double capacity. The atmosphere is teeming with excitment at the Omega v. T-chan match. There are enthusiastic fans on both sides. Omega's mother's side of the family all flew in from Taiwan just to view the event, and are holding colorful banners expressing their love and support. On the other side, the congregation of the local Korean Presbyterian Church are dressed, some in traditional garb and others in "magical girl" garb reminiscent of CCS, cheering loudly for T. Though the crowds are heavily mixed, pundits give 25 to 1 in favor of Omega.
Ingemar:
Ouch.
Shooraijin:
Yeah. Any thoughts?
Ingemar:
Hard to say, really. Omega has all that Chinese Martial Arts skill, which is supposed to render one invincible to everything except the British, Japanese and opium. T is neither British nor Japanese, and last time I checked, she wouldn't stoop to purchasing contraband materiel. Plus, despite what you, good doc, may have said, I think that tea has something to do with his game. On the other hand, T-chan *is* an uber-cutie, and no guy go so low as to lay a finger to harm someone like her. Certainly not Omega, the very archetype of gentlemanliness. As for actual combat, I think it would be in Omega's favor to pick Classical. That would rob T of her magic wand and, hopefully, nullify her magical powers.

Of course, OA has the advantage no matter what the game mode, since contestants can alway use their bodies as weapons.
Shooraijin:
I see. And now begins the toss.

Omega Amen v. Little T-Chan
Toss winner: Omega Amen [!!!]
Game mode: Classical Deathmatch
Game Environment: Ancient Ruins

(The ruins look like a typical Greco-Roman arena, only a lot bigger and with a lot of broken columns, ideal for cover. OMEGA is atop a column, with a recently-acquired Minigun. He overlooks the area gun in one hand, tea in the other)

Omega:
(slurp) I really do feel sorry for Little T-Chan. These sudden changes must have frightened her. I don't know if she's ever been in a life and death struggle. I mean, her last "deathmatch" involved Christmas carolling with the Melody Maker. That can't be good.

(He sees LTC peeking out of pile of rubble. He takes aim, but she notices. He fires and she runs away, frightened and bewildered.)

LTC:
O_O; YIIIIIIIKES! Omigosh omigosh omigosh!
Omega:
T-chan?
LTC:
This is scary! I didn't know I'd have to face you, now! You're so nice, but you're so tough, and we have to kill each other, and that's mean, and I don't like that, and I thought we were friends! (runs. She is now out of OMEGA's sight)
Omega:
T, we're still friends. And don't worry, it is just a game. The pain, the weapons--none of it is real. Look, it wouldn't be right if I just beat you while you were defenseless, but since this is a game, I have to play to win. And so do you. So who wins or loses is up to you.
(pause. Suddenly, a guided rocket flies toward OMEGA. He jumps away just in time)
Omega:
If I didn't know any better, I think you were trying to hustle me!
LTC:
Oh, I'm sorry Omega!... wow, that was kinda neat! Lemme try again!
(She fires. OMEGA dodges, and fires back. LTC runs and jumps for cover)
Omega:
Alright then, I will show no mercy! (Both pop out of cover. LTC fires a rocket, but OMEGA guns it down with his minigun. The rocket explodes in midair and the blast sends LTC flying into a wall. She is badly wounded)
LTC:
Oh...ohhhh....
Omega:
Did that do it?
(LTC can barely move. She is also out of rockets. But then she closes her eyes and hears some voices in her head, possibly of loved ones)

Girl:
T-chan, I believe in you!
Boy:
You can do it T-chan!
Other Girl:
Go T-chan! We love you!
Man:
Make us proud.
Toddler:
When I grow up, I wanna be like T-Chan!

(Flashback to earlier in the chalet with YAMAMOTO)

Yamamoto:
...remember the nature of these battles. It is a simulated reality. Free your minds...

(LTC wakes up, and smiles)
LTC:
Thank you all. You were with me the whole time. I know I can do this!
(she gets up)
Omega:
You are persistent. I should commend you. But I believe the battle is mine. (He takes aim. But LTC crosses her hands over her heart, closes her eyes and does that transformation thingy again. OMEGA is completely dumbfounded)
Omega:
What? But how? You don't have your wand!
LTC:
(giggle) Remember that old creepy man? He said "Free your mind." And that's what I did! Oh yesh yesh, I'm gonna win now!
Omega:
Hmph. I can do that too. (OMEGA "powers up" and performs this blindingly bright flying kick. But LTC has other tricks up her sleeve)
LTC:
Super Huggle Bear Attack! (She summons an army of winged teddy bears which, en masse, glomp OMEGA and smother him with... um, I don't know... love. And kisses. And hugs.)
Omega:
Gyaaah! Can't! Stand! The cuteness!


Ingemar:
And there you have it folks! Anime stereotype #243--the cute and ridiculously powered sidekick. Only no one's calling T-Chan a sidekick anymore! Looks like this is a major upset to so many so-called "analysts." I'm sure a bunch of folks in Vegas are disappointed now. Anyway, that's it for today. This is CASN.

SPECIAL REPORT

Ingemar:
Good evening, honored viewers. Ingemar signing in. This is a bit belated, but CASN would like its viewers to know that we are not made of stone, nor perpetually happy-go-lucky. Especially not in light of the recent tragedy in the countries near the Indian Ocean. Hundreds of thousands are dead, and millions more are homeless. Those lucky enough to survive still have to cope with the loss of loved ones and bare necessities, and though the West have contributed generously and swiftly during this hour of great need, the damage is so terrible that supplies are reaching their destination with great difficulty.

I cannot help but wonder about the greatest damage done, though. Someone (I forget who) once said "Death is not the greatest loss. The great loss is what dies inside of us while we are still alive." Certainly, many people feel that God is cruel, or that He doesn't exist. All I can say is that is simply not true. God doesn't hurt people just for fun like an intergalactic sadist. Sometimes God brings out the worst to bring out the best. He does not shield us from every bad thing, just as any reasonable parent cannot keep their children in the crib forever.

Yet this disaster makes people think that God simply can't exist. I don't really have an answer. But when you feel like yelling at God, trying pleading with Him instead. Remember that truly nothing is within human grasp. We live on a razor's edge. We have infintessimally small tolerance for heat, cold, pressure and radiation compared to the rest of the universe. And we don't even know if there are others like us out there in the universe. So we should be thankful that while we are so weak, our God is omnipotent, and that not even a sparrow falls without His knowledge, so ever does He care for his creatures.



Psycho Ann is currently in Jakarta, not at the disaster site itself, but close to it. All of Indonesia is reeling from the tragedy and many have trouble coping. Yet knowing her, she will do her best to be an advocate of God's love in that troubled land, and at great physical risk--the majority of Indonesians of late have been hostile to Chinese and Christians, and Ann has the misfortune of being both. But at a time like this, perhaps hearts will soften and drink from the everlasting water which Christ provides. Because of these circumstances, Ann cannot compete within the time set for her match against Mave. But but we at CASN would like to honor her with the Advocate of God award for being there for those people at this time. The title of Champion may have evaded you for now, Ann, but greater riches in Heaven await you still.

The Rest of the Quarterfinals

Ingemar:
Good eve-a-ning, folks, and welcome back to CASN's presentation of the 2nd Annual CAA Tournament. Tonight we have a thrilling double-header to conclude the Quarterfinals. First up is the vibrant young acolyte Ronin of Kirai against the cool-headed, fight-club-participating CB Wing.
Shooraijin:
I'm bringing my overcoat, because I'm sure the excitment will pour down!
Ingemar:
Riiiiiight. And after that is heavily anticipated Ashley vs. True Noir Chole match. Well Doc Shoo Holiday, I'm sure these pistol-packin' mamas will celebrate their Texan pride with a sundry of propellant of the brass-cartridge variety.
Shooraijin:
(whisper) "Propellant of the brass-cartridge variety? Ingemar, your comments as of late have left much to be desired. Secondly, I think Ash will resent that "mama" comment, and third, (loudly, firmly) STOP CALLING ME THOSE STUPID NAMES!
Ingemar:
(basically ignoring him) That's right Shooby-doo, tonight I'm gonna maximize my funability! In other news, our intellectual correspondent Technomancer has been formally removed from our staff after an extended leave of absence, and local authorities have pronounced Zilch, Tournamnet competitor, deceased, after numerous attempts to locate him have failed. Anyway Shooraijin, what do you think will be the outcome?
Shooraijin:
And another thing!--wait, you called me by my handle.
Ingemar:
Yup. And what are your thoughts?
Shooraijin:
Wow, I... wow. Ahem! Well, I think the Ashley v. Chloe one is up in the air. However, I'm sorry, but I don't think Ronin stands much of a chance against CB. CB is a cold, hard competitor who plays dirty, who plays to win. Ronin's last battle, as you know, wasn't really a battle at all. So he's got no experience. But then again, you never know.



(somewhere in a torture chamber)
Zilch:
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Tell Ash and Steve I'm sorry! Dear God, please don't do anything to me!
Man:
This does not concern trivial extra-specieal affairs. You have trespassed upon our Holiest Lord's allotted territory without proper sanitation procedures.
Zilch:
But I took a shower and used antibacterial soap!
Man:
Lord Lothar's Imperial Politic does not consider that sufficient procedure for undomesticated stock.
Zilch:
....Technomancer? Is that you?
Technomancer:
Silence. You will address Our Lord's property by its proper nomenclature. (snaps) 4356 and 4357, please decontaminate and isolate the specimen.
Zilch:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



Ronin of Kirai v. CB Wing
Toss Winner: Ronin
Game Mode: Freestyle
Game Environment: Sewers

(This time, RONIN is wearing an eyeband much like that of the Ninja Turtles. He still has a bokken)
Ronin:
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,
Heroes in a half-shell! Turtle power! This is so cool! I'm gonna make UC-sama so proud of me! (draws bokken) VWING VWING! Come out and get me, loser-head--
(his opponent responds to his taunt by shooting from the darkness four times, each shot grazing RONIN's four limbs)
CB:
Would you mind saying that again? I don't think I heard that smart remark between rifle reports.
Ronin:
Um, nevermind! (he flees. CB runs after him. RONIN hides in a pipe) Think, THINK! What would UC-sama do?
(in has cartoony-looking imagination)
UC:
Hello, enemy! I will paralyze you with my wit. Ready? I'm smarter than you and you're too stupid to realize I'm insulting you!
Enemy:
Oh my Gosh! UC is too smart and powerful for my puny intellect! (ENEMY dies)

Ronin:
No, I can't do it. No one has UC's intellectual powers!
Yamamoto's Voice:
Free your mind.
Ronin:
But how? How can I beat him?
Yamamoto's Voice:
I am sorry. This is only your memory. I cannot provide any further information.
Ronin:
.... OK. I guess I have no other option.
(CB finds him.)
CB:
Time to die.
Ronin:
No, not yet! No one's beating up on me anymore! (In slow motion, RONIN does this incredible jump towards CB, that litterally has him suspended in midair. He is about to strike, but realizes CB is no longer in front of him.)
CB:
Having enough fun with special effects there, Mr. Keanu Reeves?
Ronin:
Gwah?
(CB throws his rifle at RONIN who is still suspended in mid air. The impact makes him fall down to the shallow sewer water. CB walks up and steps on his head, and puts the muzzle of his rifle to RONIN's ear)
CB:
Now, do you want to drag this out and make this painful, or simply accept reality and concede defeat?


Ashley v. True Noir Chloe
Toss Winner: Ashley
Game Mode: Freestyle
Game Environment: The Alamo

(ASHLEY is guarding the mission, with the Texan flag as its colors. She surveys the area. No CHLOE, or perhaps, she is well hidden. Much later, ASHLEY hears a crack from somewhere and ducks. She responds with her Cross-punisher, blasting away)
Ashley:
Come out and face me like a... whatever! Remember, you don't EVER mess with Texas!
(Pause. Then what appears to be a Molotov Cocktail soars over ASHLEY's head. She runs out of the way in time)
Chloe:
Excuse me? Sorry, but I'm Texan too. So, we have Texas messing with Texas. It's sort of like an autoimmune disease.
Ashley:
Feh. You're only a transplanted Texan, while I am of the purebred stock. Isn't that right Californsky?
Chloe:
Is that so? (Trumpet fanfare. Moments later, the entire Mexican Army appears, equipped with muskets, cannon and rockets. They shall heretofore be known as the DeuteroChorus) You're the transplanted Texan, my dear, while the Hispanics became foreigners in their own homeland. My ancestors!
Ashley:
Really?... Gosh Chloe, I didn't know that upset you so much...
Chloe:
Not really. I just felt I needed something to resent you for so I would have an easier time fighting you... however, I do owe it to my poor son to make it as far as possible in the Tournament. Did you see that? He lost so cheaply and without a fight. That's not fair! I'm gonna make things up for him. Ashley, you are a mature, reasonable girl. I admire you for that. I'm sure you will understand. But now, victory will be mine.

Deuterochorus:
¡Para nuestros compañeros!
¡Para nuestro Señora de Guadalupe!
¡Para México!
Dama Chloe, ¡mate la gringa pequeña venenosa ahora mismo!*

Ashley:
Darn it! If only that stupid catgirl choir were here!

DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING!!!
You have activated the CAA Virtual Reality Combat Simulator's special Easter Egg! The Kawai Kawai Neko-Chan Club!

Ashley:
What the... well, I have companions now, so why should I complain?
Chloe:
Too late, Ashley! Zilch was right. Like the real Alamo, you're gonna crash and burn. They may be VR, but the Mexican Army will overwhelm and destroy you.
Ashley:
Not if my new feline girlfriends have anything to say about it! (to the CHORUS LEADER) What's your name?
Chorus Leader:
Pleased to meet you lady, I'm Rika.
Ashley:
Well Rika, let's throw everything we've got at the Mexicans!

Chorus:
Fight fight, ra! ra!
We march to fight the enemy
He's big and scary and smells bad
But we have love on our side
And warmth in our hearts
We will press forward
And the boy of our dreams will
Be with us tonight!
Let the Divine Wind soar.
Sugoiiiii!~~~

(The CHORUS jumps out of the mission and assaults the DEUTEROCHORUS head on. ASHLEY fires rockets at the the army too. But the DEUTEROCHORUS annihilates the CHORUS with volleys of musket shots and cannon. The suicidal attack failed to make even a dent in the DEUTEROCHORUS's ranks)

Ashley:
Crap!
Chloe:
Not to worry, my dear. The Army is just here to make sure you won't try anything funny. Your real fight is with me.
Ashley:
Alright.

(CHLOE draws a .45 1911 and fires, while ASHLEY uses the machine gun of her Cross Punisher. They fire and dodge each other's rounds at the same time. CHLOE manages to get a shot at ASHLEY's thigh. She yells in pain)

Chloe:
It's almost over for you! (she takes aim at a wounded ASHLEY, but still determined, ASHLEY fires her gun again. It misses by a wide margin) Oh Ashley, I'm right here. I think you were aiming at a ghost.
Ashley:
I don't believe in ghosts. (a large section of wall behind CHLOE crumbles, falls and burries her) I'm sorry Chloe. Sorry about you and your son. But you are greatly appreciated in CAA, and you'll always be a winner by my book.


Ingemar:
What a touching display of sportsmanship! I guess through all the bloody adventures, there's still enough room to acknowledge the dignity of one's opponent, though I doubt CB did the like for his prey. And that wraps up the Quarterfinals, folks. This is CASN.

*PM me for a translation

More Inter-round Hooplah

THIS IS CASN. MORE HOT N' SPICY THAN THE GUATEMALAN INSANITY PEPPERS OF QUETZALTATENANGO!

Ingemar:
Welcome back, everyfolk. Ingemar here. Shooraijin is out for the moment. He apparently has a "real job" at the hospital (I guess it really doesn't matter that 75% of his net salary comes from his anchor position here).And Technomancer--well, let's just say God watch over him and protect him wherever the heck he is. So let's review the minutes from the Quarterfinals.

Little T-Chan started off this Tourney as a favourite of Shoujo fans and Koreans everywhere, but didn't register under the radar of any serious sports analysts. Omega, the suave and gentlemanly Georgia Tech engineer at first seemed to have the obvious competetive advantage. But to everyone's surprise, including this reporter, Little T pulled through and used her skills as Grandmaster of Kawai Arts (as it is called) to overwhelm the more martially-inclined yet courteous warrior. For that LTC v. Omega Amen is my Spotlight of the Round, and the fans' favourite Cinderella match of the games to this point.

Speaking of Cinderella, the clock struck twelve way too early for the enthusiastic yet inexperienced Ronin of Kirai, named winner by default in his match in the primaries due to opponent Zilch's indolence. Our boy Ronin felt the disconnect between reality and Watchowski Brothers-hype when, in the middle of a spectacular attack, CB Wing 0, ever cool and competetive, kept his calm and made short work of his Turtles-loving foe. Oh well Ronin, there's always another day to prove your worth. Maybe you can have a chat about this with Master UC in the Losers' Lounge

The fight between Psycho Ann and Mave never materialized due to Ann's activities in Indonesia. However, we at CASN are expecting and pledging to the Grand Patriarchate of CAA to arrange a post-tournament grudge match between the two mangaka. The prize? Advocate John Yamamoto says it will be "respect, prestige, and possibly a huge chest of gold coins."

And last, but certainly not least, is the match between heat-packin' Texan mommas, Ashley (mother of the CAA) and True Noir Chloe (mother of Elric_kun, who lost almost accidentally to Mave). In a struggle reminiscent of Thermopylae, Waterloo and Stalingrad, the archadministrator held her own against the embittered mother of His Crispiness Elric-kun and the proud Mexican Army. Though Chloe wasn't without some biting remarks herself. "Texas messin with Texas is an autoimmune disease" will forever resonate in this anchor's head. But Chloe failed to put her bullets where her mouth was, and the valiant Shepherdess stemmed the tide of the Mexican deluge with an avalanche of brick and debris.

Well, that's the Quarters in a nutshell. This is a bit belated, but my pick of the Preliminaries was the stubborn resilience of the Bishie-glompin' fangirl Kokoro Daisuke against the Aikido-ka Manga-ka Indonesia-ka Psycho Ann. In a manner bested by only the Black Knight and Boromir, Kokoro Daisuke pulled through and fought on despite being a pincushion for the legendary Masamune. But in the end, allergies trumped fighting spirit, and an almond ended the dream of reaching the Quarterfinals "in a nutshell." Ha! Anyway, that's the news from my lips to your ears. This is CASN.

In Other Parts
(LTC, CB WING 0, MAVE and ASHLEY are once again at the chalet where they met JOHN YAMAMOTO)

LTC:
Oh boy! We get to meet that nice creepy man again. Brrr, it's cold, I hope we get there soon! And guess what CB, I get to fight you next! Isn't that something?
CB:
Don't get too friendly. Once we get in that arena, I'm gonna own you. I've seen what you're capable of; you're not gonna get the best of me.
LTC:
Gee! It's not even the fight yet, let's not be so angry! Let's hug!
CB:
NO.
Mave:
Gee CB, don't be that way. She's just being friendly.
CB:
.....
Mave:
And I guess I'm fighting you next, right Ashley? Please go easy on me.
Ashley:
No guarantees. But what I don't get is that this whole thing has been set up by the Grand Patriarchate, who's obviously important to CAA but isn't on my staff list. Doesn't that strike you as odd?
(they enter the mansion)

Yamamoto:
Welcome, fighters! I hope the last round was as fun for you as it was entertaining for us.
LTC:
It sure is, Yamamoto-san!
Yamamoto:
Yamamoto-sensei. The Grand Patriarchate has sent me here once again--
Ashley:
Excuse me, but who is the Grand Patriarchate?
Yamamoto:
(ignoring her) --to ruffle up the works a bit again. Tell me, who are you fighting next?
LTC:
I'm fighting my buddy CB!
CB:
...right. Are you changing the bracket again?
Yamamoto:
Yes, and no. No, as in we are not switching your placement again. Yes, in a different sense. (to the side) You can come in now.
(A double door opens. MELODY MAKER, GYPSY, ELRIC-KUN and SHATTERHEART emerge. They have serious expressions, except SHATTERHEART, who is smirking a bit) You remember these people, right?
Mave:
Of course, we fought them in the preliminaries.
Yamamoto:
That's exactly right. The Grand Patriarchate knows that the bigger the twist in an event as big as this, the bigger the dramatic effect. (to the losers) Like I said before, your time may yet come. (to the others) In this next round, you will team up with your former opponents against your current opponents.
Elric-kun:
Sweet. Where's the Mountain Dew?
Yamamoto:
Down the hall six doors, to the left. There's a fridge.
Shatterheart:
Well, this is a nice place... though I can only wonder what old Slip-n'-slide went through to get past the snow-covered paths here.
Ashley:
STEVE! I don't care that we're teammates now, I'm gonna make you pay for that comment!
Gypsy:
Well, CB, I hope your cheap tactics will come in handy in this next match. I hear T-Chan is a deceptively powerful opponent.
CB:
OK, but remember, I'm doing this for me.
MM:
Well T-Chan, this is a lot better than anything I could have imagined. Whatever goes on in this next round, I'm your man.
LTC:
Awwww! Melody, that's so sweet of you! We'll definitely win!

In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison for a crime they didn't commit. Blah blah blah millitary stockade blah blah mercenaries blah blah need help, call the A-Team

THE A-TEAM

Ingemar:
Welcome Everyfolk and Everyfool, this is CASN. The tournament has been slightly delayed due to a "hiccough" in temporal mechanics, what with me simultaneously being in Canada and getting mobbed by protestors and being suspended to Parts Unknown--something to do with alternate universes, I don't know. A quantum-metaphysics thing, and you know how I hate Physics. With us at the CAA Technodrome--I mean, Theatre is the newest member of our CASN team, Sunako. Sunako, welcome aboard.
Sunako:
And it's good to be here X333333333.
Ingemar:
Sunako is also this year's Thumbwrestling champion. How did it feel to beat Mangafanatic?
Sunako:
Well, you know Osaka... very slippery fingers she has. When I beat her, I felt great! sugoi! and so forth. Until the customary "brain explodage." I felt less happy then.
Ingemar:
Dandy. Who are your picks for the Tourney?
Sunako:
YAAAAAY GO ELRIC-KUN!!! Uh, what did you say?
Ingemar:
I'll take that as a "I'm not doing a good job as a commentator but it's forgivable since I'm a rookie." Anyway, we now turn to Alternate Universe Ingemar, with two of our five distinguished judges, Yuki Sohma and Tohru Honda. Me, how did it feel to be trapped in Canada with Alternate Universe Technomancer and Interchangeable Zilch?
AU Ingemar:
Oh, it was most harrowing indeed! We didn't know if that big Bug thing would kill us, or eat us, or give us crappy jobs, and in our confinement, Technomancer started to discuss Noam Chomsky and then I fell asleep. Zilch [complained] about the lack of X-box. But that aside, I'm here with two of our judges, Yuki and Tohru. First of all Tohru, why do you have such big freaking eyes?
Tohru:
0_0
AU Ingemar:
I see. Well, facial expressions speak louder than words. (AU INGEMAR gets out a ruler and measures TOHRU's eyes. At which, TOHRU looks even more bewildered.) Man, you must use watch glasses as contacts!... Anyway, let's turn to Yuki. Ma'am, as a judge, what is your opinion on the Kokoro Daisuke vs. Psycho Ann controversy? Do you really think someone could have...
Yuki:
I'm a boy.
AU Ingemar:
WHAAAAAAAAT?!? Well, that clears up some disturbing things I've imagined. Like, thinking that many girls in CAA are yuri nuts with their whole "Tohru X Yuki" fantasies...
Tohru:
Me X Yuki? *faints*

(thundering noises)
AU Ingemar:
What's that?!?
(It's another BIFS)
Yuki:
Oh, no.
(The fangirls are about to engulf the three in a hormone-induced frenzy, until judge MR.T busts in using his superstrength to hold the crowd back)
Mr. T:
Awright ladies, you best be controllin' yo selves, else I'm gonna hafta toss some a y'all out. I was a bouncer once. An' use 1-800-Collect to save on long distance!
AUI:
Oh, we're saved! The A-Team (well, half of them) has come to rescue us!
Tohru:
Oh Mr. T, I don't think we can hold them off forever! It's becoming like Altamont Pass!
Mr. T:
Dang, that fool Murdock gonna halfta fly you outta here. You go on ahead, I ain't gettin on no flying mumbo-jumbo jibba jabba with that airhead knucklehead crazy foo!
(Another judge, MURDOCK, comes into the scene in a helicopter)
Murdock:
Heeeeeeeere we are, Murdock Express Delivery service, come to deliver you from a deluge of trouble to a sweet, creamy rescue with a cherry on top!
Mr. T:
Murdock you fool! Just get um outta here, you nuts, knucklehead!
Murdock:
I'm not nuts! I'm condiments! I've been promoted!

(Ingemar, Tohru and Yuki escape with Murdock from the deluge of fangirls)

Semifinals 1: Team Ashley vs. Team Mave

Ingemar:
(looking particularly haggard) (monotone) Welcome back everyfolk to CASN I'm Ingemar exciting day for sports and bloodshed and winner take all blah blah--(collapses)
Director:
(cuts him off) CUT! We're not going to air him like that. Someone, get the man a Red Bull!
Ingemar:
murmurmurmur....Physics........ murmurmurmur

(moments later. INGEMAR is in higher spirits)

Ingemar:
Yo yo yo! Welcome to CASN, where the excitment starts here! Ingemar Pedron with health-expert-turned anchor Shooraijin. Lovely day to watch the last leg of the Tourney, eh Doc?
Shooraijin:
Sure is, Ingy. This after the suprise alteration in the matchups. Now, the fighters are teamed up with their Preliminary opponents and duking it out to the death. Metaphorically, of course! We now turn to Sunako at the CAA Multiplex Theatre--
Sunako:
(ON LOCATION AT THE CAA MULTIPLEX) (with a chainsaw) You'd better give me that bacon, Hitokiri...huh? (tosses chainsaw) Ahem! This is Sunako at the Multiplex, and, Ingy and Doc, the room is ringing with bright happy energy! (of in the distance, someone makes a bloodcurdling scream)
Ingemar:
v_v; Yes yes... that.. sounds very Jpop-ish.
Sunako:
I'm here with Mangafanatic, my thumbwrestling opponent, who is here to watch the action. Osaka, no hard feelings I hope.
MangaF:
None at all. I'm just excited to see the games today! But, if one team wins, then will one member advance, or will both? Then will it be teams for the finals? Then what if a team wins then? Will there be two champions or one? But I thought there could only be (brain explodes, but--)

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES! Please pardon our dust

Ingemar:
Sorry for the technical difficulties. But this just in, a new battle mode has been approved by the Grand Patriarchate of CAA, "Story mode." Story mode sets the place, environment, and sentient programs (aka People) in a story wise fashion, making the battle like a roleplay experience. All the other rules still apply, but the GP o' CAA hopes this will add a thrilling edge to the game. As if the climactic match between Patroness Ashley and her lovely assisstant Shatterheart, against the feisty Mave and sedate Elric wasn't already thrilling enough! But more is better.

Ashley and Shatterheart vs. Mave and Elric-Kun
Toss winners: Ashley and Shatterheart
Game mode: Story Mode
Game Story: Deep space gun action!
Game Environment: Planet Gunsmoke

(There is a saloon out in the middle of nowhere. Inside are a bartender and only a few patrons. One of the patrons is of in the corner trying to look inconspicuous. He has a stein of (root) beer, that he sips slowly)

Bartender:
I heard that that--you know, whatsisname psychopath killer is out on the loose again, and that he came within 5 clicks of Auguston.
Barfly:
You mean Slash the Hurricane?
Gambler:
Muh? I heard 'ey called him Nash the Frenzy.
Old man:
Bah! You're both full of crap! His name is the Shatterheart! I seen 'im... well, I ain't seen im, but I've seen what 'e did to my town! Mountains o' corpses, flies a' big as cigar buts all over em. Ain't no un survived the wrath of th' Shatterheart. Well, 'cept me, I was away at the time. Women, children, churchmen... the local parish was burnt to ashes, and he **** on them! The undertaker from the next town over got so rich, he built himself a mansion of wood!
Bartender:
That is effed up man. Effed up.
(As they talk, the words "Ma-ia hi, ma-ia-hu ma-ia hoo, ma-ia ha ha" fill the air, gradually. It is some kind of wierd foreign music. The folks in the bar grow suspicious and arm their weapons. All excpet the one with the rootbeer. Then, an RPG hits the front wall of the bar. The patrons duck out of the way, and only peek out slightly. The view switches to the outside. A band of catgirls [guess who?] prepare a some automatic weapons, and then fire. The barflies dash out in a frenzied panic. Among the catgirls is another long-haired man. He has a huge arm cannon. It "charges," and fires a bright yellow beam. From afar, it looks like a laser, but apparently it is some kind of liquid. His catgirl companions continue to fire. Their combined fire reduces the walls of the bar to dust, and shreds the heck out of most of furniture inside. Their combined firepower keeps the saloon's thick iron sign airborne, until they run out of ammo.)

Long haired guy:
Hmm hmm. Time to end this.

(Despite the hail of gunfire, the long haired guy drinking the root beer, and the bar, are mostly untouched. Unperturbed, he sets his stein down. He readies his weapon, a Ruger Super Blackhawk).

TO BE CONTINUED.

Semifinals 1, cont'd

(The shootout comes to an end. The dust settles on the rubble, and the lone, long-haired sasparilla-swilling gunman is nowhere to be seen. The other longhaired man (who, it should be so obvious to everyone now, is ELRIC-KUN) grins a little. In that ladykilling, melt your knees kind of manner that sends fangirls a-flutter)

EKun:
Ha. Good work, ladies. You all deserve a trophy with a bust of Gackt.
Chorus:
Arigatou gozaimashita Elric-sama
We are your happy servants
We gunned the long-face down
Now the Happy Chipmunk girl is all that's left!
EKun:
Whatever.

(One of the catgirls, whose head is bizzarely large compared to the rest, takes her 'head' off. It is MAVE)

Mave:
Ugh, why must I have this catgirl costume on?
Elric:
Oh, it helps with the illusion. I am the male surrounded with a harem of beautiful feline ladies. Not to belittle you Mave, but I can't have a norm like you breaking up the pattern. Of course, if this were really a 'harem' anime, wouldn't it help if I were a little geekier and whiner, to further crystalize the dichotomy? Ahem! "Oh, no, my rent is due tomorrow and I got a final! I wish my mom didn't stop giving me allowance!"
Mave:
I think it would help if we actually tried to play the game. And if you continued to be Elric-kun.
Chorus:
The ladies love you the way you are.
Mave:
Say, do you think Shatterheart may have slipped away?
Chorus:
Oh Ma'am, I think you're right!
Mave:
Just to be sure, I'll clear this rubble with a grenade!
Elric:
Ah! I think we should keep you away from grenades, if you know what I mean. Ahh well, let's just look for Ashley and get this thing over with.

(ELRIC, MAVE and CHORUS depart. A little later, the rubble moves a little bit. SHATTERHEART appears more or less unscathed, big pistol in hand)

(Elsewhere in a ruined town. One of the only partially-standing structures is a boisterous saloon. Half of its roof is missing, nevertheless, barflies continue drinking, socializing, playing pool darts and other stupid games like that. A woman with a distinctive 'cowgirl' hat and attire appears. She has a badge. A 'CAA Marshal' apparently. And she carries a shepherd's crook. Three guesses who it is and the first two don't count.)

Bartender:
Well lookey here. What's a sweet little thing like you doing in a %^#$hole like this?
Ashley:
(slams fist on bar) Well first thing's first slimebag! Don't you dare call me a sweet little thing and give me those googley eyes! I'm a Marshal and I'm not gonna sit here and take your lip! (aside) I think that's how they casted me. (back) You don't ever mess with an admin, loser, and you don't ever mess with Texas. You just reaped a double whirlwind my friend, and another thing, WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!
Bartender:
Texas? Ain't never heard of it.
Ashley:
GGGGRrrrggggggrrrrrgrrrgghHHH!!!!
Bartender:
Gah, I get it, I get it. Little shepherd girl mean business. So you're a Marshall huh? I bet you must be hunting down that Human Terror who's been raising Cain for the past month.
Ashley:
He must have come through here.
Bartender:
Jedediah here got an' IQ of 50 and even he can tell that. Yup, the fella's been through here.
Ashley:
Gee, from the looks of it, there must have been hundreds of casualties.
Bartender:
Thankfully, none of them fatal, although the victims have all ended up gooey and sticky and wet for some reason. This Terror, whoever he is, got long hair, moody expression, and a ton of admiring followers. Well, none of us admire him, because of what he did to us, so you best not be worryin' about us. And he's got this big huge gun.
Ashley:
Thanks. (aside) Long hair, expression, lots of followers... that could be Steve. Considering his choice of music and the fact that he's the Grand Poobah.... yeah, it's definitely him. The big gun was also a giveaway. But the stickyness? Probably a horror movie thing. At any rate, I gotta pay this "Human Terror" a visit.