CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

This is just how I feel right now, I'm unleashing my feelings. What happened in the poem is true. It's directed to my. . . .Friend? His name is Andrew. (Not you, A.J., if you read this, the other Andrew!)

Test

"This is your final test"
That's what the note said
Is it a test of survival?
Confusion envelopped me
Like it always does.
I've never figured you out
It's just another puzzle to solve
A labrinth for my mind.


For all that you've done
I hate you for it
You scheme, you plan, you hurt
You speak as if I'm nothing
Emotional pain
Laced around the physical
Bruises attest to that, and a bloody lip
To stop crying out-who needs to know?


And yet
Can I really blame you?
I came to you
You did not seek me, I sought you.
Strange situations arose
Who controls a heart?
I do not designate you as the bringer of my infatuation
But it came.


For why did I sought you?
Reason seems clear-darkness was near
The demons surrounded me
My choice of healing
Was a demon himself.
It lived in your eyes
I used a child of darkness
To bring me light.


I thought it worked
It certainly seemed so
Evil took on a new form
Obsession.
Total and complete submission
To every one of your touches
Teasing me for kicks
Fun for you, ecstasy for me.


Obsessions get out of hand
I became dependent
And the demons took control.
Torture became daily
My plan backfired
The addiction became stronger
Then, at its peak, you found her
And I wanted what I could now never have.


So what could I do?
I lashed out
Angry at pain I caused myself
Losing faith rapidly
In you and myself.
Pushing and screaming
Trying to drive away the child of darkness
Whom I believed brought my pain.


And now your here
A floating enmity
Of no communication
Left with confused feelings
I try to sort it out
You demon
You saved my life,
And you'd be the death of me.


If it's a test for survival
Then I'm losing.


End.


If you are confused, then you understand how I feel. Right now I am confused, and in pain. Ironically, that's when I seem to write the best-at the height of my emotions. This is my first original poem.

If your goal was to get your emotions out, then all I have to say is OUCH!

I just want to say sorry, because of the intent of this poem. If you understand it, then you might have realized that this poem doesn't diss Andrew so much as I'm beating up on myself. That's not what this section is here for, it's not a rant section, so this looks really bad on my part, and I'm really sorry.

I didn't think you were ripping on Andrew (whoever that is). It looked to me that you were indeed feeling some kind of deep sadness and that you were trying to find the good in an otherwise very painful situation.

You're right, spiritusvult, excellent decoding. (by the way, when I was posting above, that was to everybody who may have been reading the poem, not you in particular, but that's okay.)

By the way, Andrew says that I'm passing the test so far. Have no clue what it is yet. I am not feeling so sad anymore- just all the more befuddled.

First off, for this being your first original poem it's not bad. It shows great detail about your inner sould and feelings.

Secondly.... I would like to respond to one of your verses:

You scheme, you plan, you hurt
You speak as if I'm nothing
Emotional pain
Laced around the physical
Bruises attest to that, and a bloody lip
To stop crying out-who needs to know?

If I'm reading this right it seems like you can do much better then that. You shouldn't have to feel alone, abused (physical or emotional) or worthless. And if he is treating you that way, then I would suggest moving on. Real friends don't do those things. It may seem like there is no other but him, but there is. You don't need that, it'll only drag you further down in depression. Love is a difficult situation to actually get a firm grasp or understanding. Everyone always want to believe that Love is this awesome thing were feelings never get hurt. Though in reality, love is more often a game of heart ache and pain. Sometimes as much as we wish everything would work out perfectly it hardly does. That's why people usually don't marry the first few people they date or are in a long term relationship with. I'm not saying there isn't true love, but that usually it takes us a few times to get it right - to get the full understandin of what love really is. It may seem like love on one side, but perhaps not on the other. And love shouldn't be one sided or forced, you deserve much better then that, you really do.

Sorry if I'm assuming any points in my previous statements... I was only responding to what I've read and interpreted. Though if I read it right, and what you typed was correctly analyzed, then you really do disserve much better period. And don't beat yourself this, we all have probably been in a similar situations of wanting the person we like to treat us better, wanting them to show us the love we have for them. The game of love.... nothing could be more precious, but sometimes in the process of looking for it we come across pain.

I hope that with some time you will start to feel better... You are a very good poet.

-Take care.