::smacks forehead:: (Because
doesn't do this action justice.)
I hate when this happens.
... Anyhow, I've been busy... I hope you understand.
Please come back?
Okay, I'll debunk on what I like... and what I don't. I apologize in advance if this at any time seems harsh... but I'm a critic at heart. I can't go easy. This is why you rarely see any work from me.
If you don't want to look at what I seriously think you should look at (my criticism), scroll down to the very bottom of the post. That's where I wrap everything up in a happy bow.
The Review!
Introduction:
I believe that, for the most part, this part is unnecessary.
For real, all the information about the characters can totally be presented in the first few chapters - that's what they're there for. Description goes a long way in a story - sometimes, it can draw us closer to your characters. For example, in describing that a certain male character is short, the fact can reveal an insecurity he has about himself - the fact that he is smaller than other boys his age unsettles him. That, in my opinion, is the kind of description that I find interesting.
I suggest replacing the introduction with something about the first discovery of energy force - and then working from that into the introduction of our main characters.
Episode One:
I barely know Jade and Japher and they're already on a hit-list?!
... if you want me to be particular about grammar, you can highlight the box below. If you don't, continue on.
[spoiler] You have some serious grammatical issues that I suggest you fix. I'm sorry... but it makes me very, very nervous when I read things that aren't grammatically correct. Especially when it's a story, something of literary quality. [/spoiler]
Okay, if you follow my suggestions for character description, this chapter will not only be longer, but more intriguing as well. Here's a rule that you need to keep in mind:
Show, don't tell. That means, don't send in a guy to explain who everyone is and where they come from, describe to us who everyone is and why they are who they are.
Episode Two:
A battle scene... lacking... description... ::sniff::
Oh, you gave a wonderful play-by-play. I love me some action!
The thing is, you can make it a lot more interesting! Give us some dialogue... other than their cries of their moves. Even in the episodes of DBZ that I've seen, there's some taunting dialogue between the fighters. Of course, if you want to do some
good fighting scenes... well, I like to see my characters as human. Weakness and worry (especially when fighting two-on-one, and one of the two is getting the smack-down) in characters are often brought out in these fighting scenes. Take this time to help your readers get to know your characters!
... just wondering... does Japher really care that he has just frozen the entire world? ... hmm. I thought he was fighting for God?
Episode Three:
Same advice as Episode 2's. Yep.
One question: Why brushing up so close to utter defeat at such an early point in the saga? You may want to reconsider so dramatic a confrontation at this point... postpone it for later.
Episode Four:
Oooh. Suspense. I suggest some uber gloating from Dr. C. I love irony!
Episode Five:
... sorry, but you have
got to stop introducing fighting scenes with "Fighting Scene:". I know characters are fighting when they start throwing punches... or when one of them lunges at another. Another thing... don't say that someone is 500x stronger than such and such. I don't like looking at numbers in a piece of writing. Numbers remind me of math. Find another way to describe how strong something is! Please?
I dunno about you, but I would be shocked to find that my sister was infected with a strange disease. And I would be in extreme suspicion about whether this form was friendly or not, even though this new girl is fighting on your side.
... Please don't do any more deus-ex-machina "earth gets repaired over time" events. They're boring.
New twist on Dr. C... which could've been revealed at another time. Sigh. Oh well...
After reading through your extras, I noticed that you believe that character development wasn't important for this section for Japher and Dr. C. I beg to differ. The introduction is the best time to
introduce your characters!
I like your setting... but for a girl who lives in the boonies that's never been to Cincinnati, I have no idea what it looks like! Description, no matter how common a place is, is wonderful.
EF stats were pretty funny.
One trillion~!
All the good I say about this work...
As of right now, the first part of the saga has a lot of potential! You've got sisters, a twisted parent, some weird force, and lots of action! All you need to do... is get some character development. Show us how these teenagers are normal (except for their obvious EF) - help us care about your characters as much as you care about them!
I hope this is what you want in a review. I'll be happy to provide more if you care for them. If you don't care for my tough style... please don't take it personally. I'm this critical about a lot of what I review.
See? We do care about you!
