Chasing Ashes, Korr's Revelution

[sonichiro]

so....heres the story for the manga im trying to publish. ive worked out the character sketches and decided what they should look like and i'm starting on the panelling. i thought id post the story.
eighteen-year-old Korrentai and his twin brother, Frea, walked down the grassy path at the forbidden river. korr had chin length red/brown hair, dark blue eyes and wore a deep green kimono. frea had blue/white waist length hair that he kept in a tight braid and wore a dark blue kinomo. as they walked down the path, the rivers current grew stronger untill it turned to rapids. suddenly a body floated to the surface and was pulled down beneath the crashing water again. it was a girl no older than sixteen. "someones in the water!" korr shouted and dove into the rapids. beneath the waves she lay unconcious, her foot tangled in river weed. he freed her foot from the weed and wraped his arms around her waist, kicking at the water untill he reacked the surface. korr burst threw the water and gasped for breath. he swam the girl to shore and frea pulled her from the waters. "who is she?" frea asked. "she must be from a different village, ive never seen her before." korr replied. on her necklace was a key, and tatued on her ankle was the name yukiru. yukiru opened her eyes to daylight. she sat up. her red curls fell in front of her face hiding her sea green eyes. she was wearing a blue kimono and was laying on a fold up rug in a beautiful japanese room with red birds painted on the walls. "where am i?" he asked. the door slid open and a little girl walked in. she had jet black hair pulled back into a pony tail and wore a red kimono. she was small and couldnt be more than seven years old, but her eyes seemed to tell a different tail. they semmed to make yukiru think she was older, much older. "youve been asleep for a long time, its about time you woke up." she said and handed yukiru a bowl of rice. "who are you and where am i?" she asked. "i am danish, and your in the house hold mizumotto, welcome honoured guest." danish replied and bowed. yukiru bowed her head and began eating her rice, "but...who am i?" she asked. "you seem to have a nasty bump on your head...you must have a case of memory loss....." danish said to herself more than to yukiru,"the tatoo on your foot says your name is yukiru, my master korrentai found you half drowned in the forbidden river."
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"what do you meen she's dead!" a girl who had black hair, black eyes and was wearing a black kimono whimpered to her father, a tear rolled down her cheek. "i'm sorry, antique, but yukirus dead. she...she drowned...." her father said. he sat on an ivory chair and wore royal robes. he seemed almost pleased that his second daughter had 'died'. "did you check the river for her body, has anyone even looked for her!" antique yelled angrily. "her body was found floating down stream from where he tried to kill her." the old man replied. antique stormed from the one room building. as she left a man standing outside the door followed closely behind. he was dressed in black and had purple hair, he wore a glove concealing his left hand. "mistress antique, is there anything i can do-" he began to say but anitque cut him off. "i vow i will kill korrentai to avenge my sister, and your going to help me, atlas." atlas nodded, "whatever pleases you." he replied.

[sonichiro]

"how....how old are you?" yukiru asked danish. "my age is unimportant." just then frea slid the door open." danish, they're here! were under attack!" "take the girl." danish replied. fre grabbed yukirus wrist and pulled her into the hallway. some of the house was on fire. "what about the little girl? you arent just going to leave her!" yukiru pleaded and tried to go back for danish. "she is no little girl. she can fend for herself." frea answered. just then a little boy with turquoise hair running on all fours ran past them. he wore a red head band and had fox ears and a fox tail. "raine!" frea called. rain ran back to them. "yes master, frea?" he asked. "esquort yukiru to the safe house, make sure she is well protected." frea dashed down the hall and out of sight. "you cant just leave us!" yukiru yelled. she picked up raine and helled him close to her. "don't worry little one, i wont let you be hurt!" she said. "let me go!" raine yeled at her. he jumped out of her arms and when he hit the ground he was a fox. "follow me and I wont let andyone hurt YOU." he said and began to run down the hall and threw a door leading outside. he transformed back into a little boy and hid behind a bush. "whats going on?? whos attacking? why are we hiding and how did you turn into a fox?" she asked. "shut up! look around the corner." he said in a whisper. yukiru peeked her head out from behind the bush . a creature that seemed to be half cat half dragon sniffed in their direction. "their basically blind, and rely on smell to find their prey." raine siad, "if you dont move he wont see us but we have to leave soon or he'llcatch our scent." it was too late the creature began to walk toward the bush. raine transformed back into a boy and jumped out in front of the creature. "you have no business here! leave at once, i command you." raine yelled. the creature disintegrated."come on, were running out of time!" raine yelled at yukiru. she followed him as he lead her threw a forest. soon they came to a door in the ground, the door of a well. "get in. "he instructed. yukiru listened. the well was actually a series of caves, the entrence was just disguised as a well. "well be safe in here." raine said.
comments are appreciated. tell me what you think and if its too confusing.