Rain Drops in September

[Mister]

"Its september again, another years almost gone. I wonder why time seems to flow by faster when you're older, and yet seems to creep by as a child. The rain that's falling tonight hold a faint chill though its been in the upper 90's this week. I wonder if Winter will be harsh this year..."

The bell above the entrance door jingled above the din of the Cafe Gilead's patrons. A tall woman in a buisness dress suit brushed by an exiting patron and made a slow bee-line for the cashier. The young man at the register, smiled kindly and asked if he could help the lady. The well dressed woman shook her head and said, "I'm not here for any food or drinks. But could i speak to the Owner? A Stars? Paul Stars?"

Laying down the pan of fresh cut pie, i walked over to the lady and asked, "May i help you? I'm the Owner." I used my apron to wipe the crumbs from my hands, and the flakes of dough from the pie's crust as i spoke. The woman looked at me strait in the eyes for a long moment before stating, "My name is Elizibeth Valcorvin. I was your Grandfather's lawyer."

I dropped the apron i was still holding, letting it flap down over my legs once more. "You said, was." I stated calmly, "Explain yourself please." Elizibeth withdrew a small Envelope from her purse and handed it to me. "This will explain it all." She began to say, "Please be at you're Grandfather's Estate by nine o'clock tonight for the family counsel." Turning from the counter Elizibeth walked gracefully to the Cafe.

Chuck, my assistant Manager, stepped up beside me and asked. "What was that?" his voice curious but also concerned. "I think my Grandfather died," Pulling the store keys form ym pocket i handed them to him and said, "Close up for me tonight will you? I got somewhere i have to be." Chuck took the keys and helped me get everything ready so that i could leave.

Once i was in my car and driving away into the evening, The young man at the register looked at Chuck and asked, "what's up with the boss?" Chuck huffed once and stated, "That man's family is a practically a clan. His grandfather was the Family Head, Mr. Star's father died years ago, so that makes Paul the only eligible heir, unless he conceads to one of his uncles or cousins." The young man looked out the bay window that was the store front and asked one final question, " What will he do?"

Chuck glanced at the boy and replied, "He'll do what must be done. He's a born Leader and has no give in him. That man will buck anything that's thrown at him and come out ahead."

[Esoteric]

"It[color="red"]'[/color]s september again, another year[color="Red"]'[/color]s almost gone. I wonder why time seems to flow by faster when you're older, and yet seems to creep by as a child. The rain that's falling tonight hold[color="red"]s[/color] a faint chill though it[color="red"]'[/color]s been in the upper 90's this week. I wonder if [color="red"]w[/color]inter will be harsh this year..." [color="RoyalBlue"](Is this deliberately intended as a separate section from what follows? Because it's written in present tense--the rest is written in past tense)[/color]

The bell above the entrance door jingled above the din of [s]the[/s] Cafe Gilead's patrons. A tall woman in a [color="red"]business[/color] dress suit brushed by an exiting patron and made a [color="Red"]slow bee-line[/color][color="RoyalBlue"] (feels like an oxymoron)[/color] for the cashier. The young man at the register, smiled kindly and asked if he could help [s]the lady[/s]. The well dressed woman shook her head and said, "I'm not here for [s]any[/s] food or drinks. But could [color="red"]i[/color][color="RoyalBlue"] (capitalize every 'I' even when it's not starting a sentence)[/color] speak to the [color="red"]o[/color]wner? A [color="red"]Mr.[/color] Stars? Paul Stars?"

Laying down the pan of fresh[color="red"]-[/color]cut pie, i walked over to the lady and asked, "May i help you? I'm the [color="red"]o[/color]wner." I used my apron to wipe the crumbs from my hands, and the flakes of dough from the pie's crust as i spoke.

The woman looked at me strait in the eyes for a long moment before stating, "My name is Elizibeth Valcorvin. I was your Grandfather's lawyer."

I dropped the apron [s]i was still holding,[/s] letting it flap down over my legs once more. "You said, was." I stated calmly, "Explain yourself please." Elizibeth withdrew a small[color="red"] e[/color]nvelope from her purse and handed it to me.

"This will explain it all." She began to say, "Please be at you're Grandfather's Estate by nine o'clock tonight for the family [color="red"]counsel[/color][color="RoyalBlue"](do you mean 'council'?)[/color]." Turning from the counter Elizibeth walked gracefully[color="red"] to the Cafe[/color][color="RoyalBlue"](do you mean out of the cafe?)[/color].

Chuck, my assistant [color="Red"]m[/color]anager, stepped up beside me and asked[color="Red"],[/color] "What was that?" his voice curious but also concerned.

"I think my Grandfather died[color="Red"].[/color]" Pulling the store keys[color="red"] from my[/color] pocket i handed them to him and said, "Close up for me tonight will you? I got somewhere i have to be." Chuck took the keys and helped me get everything ready so that i could leave.

[color="red"]Once i was in my car and driving away into the evening, The young man at the register looked at Chuck and asked,[/color][color="RoyalBlue"](major POV error. If you're telling a story in 1st person, you cannot have him narrate things he was not there to experience) [/color]"what's up with the boss?"

Chuck huffed once and stated, "That man's family is [s]a[/s] practically a clan. His grandfather was the Family Head, Mr. Star's father died years ago, so that makes Paul the only eligible heir, unless he conceads to one of his uncles or cousins."

The young man looked out the bay window that was the store front and asked one final question, " What will he do?"

Chuck glanced at the boy and replied, "He'll do what must be done. He's a born [color="red"]l[/color]eader and has no give in him. That man will buck anything that's thrown at him and come out ahead."

Good description but needs work on grammar and spelling. You don't need to capitalize nouns like 'owner' and 'envelope', but you do always need to capitalize 'I'. The dialogue could be more natural--feels stiff. And whenever someone different is speaking, start a new paragraph. Practice makes perfect. Keep working on it.