Writing Assignment

[Ante Bellum]

I wrote this as part of my application to a school. It's due Saturday, but I want to know what people think so I can make the needed changes by then. Thanks!

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I am standing on a path, I think. I can't really tell, because there is a thick mist swirling around my feet. I can't see much around me, either. I want to take a step forward, but I sweep the area in front of me with my foot before doing so. I do this again, and again, until I can do it quickly, making my way forward on that hidden path. I concentrate on that single path forward, falling into a trance while I count my steps and my breathing, adding and then dividing by zero...I know I shouldn't be able to, but somehow I could here. There's really nothing but glowing, colorful bars crossing high over the path, in different shades of blues and purples. Along those paths phantoms of humans are walking. I do not recognize them, and they do not notice me. Some seem to be on the same path I was.
When I look down at the path, it wasn't the solid-feeling path I remembered from within the fog. I stumble backwards and fall, but I feel devoid of the emotion of surprise or fear. I stand up slowly, and then I bend down again to look at the path. It is a dark violet color and seems to pulse with life. I press my hand down onto its surface. It is smooth and solid, and it is also warm. It almost feels like I am touching a person's hand. I decide to move on to see where the path leads me.
But now I am no longer in my trance. I see that the path is connected to the glowing bars, although that point is farther on ahead. Was everything connected together? I turn around to look behind me. It's hard to see the path. It seems to have disappeared, so I turn and sweep my eyes down that path, discovering that only a few steps behind me the path was being covered with some substance. I step over and touch it. It was hot, but not enough to burn. I try to brush the substance aside, but it crumbles, followed by everything covered by it. It falls away like ash, leaving me standing there with no way to go back. A phantom continues to walk along that path towards me.
I still feel empty, though. I don't feel remorse for that loss. I just turn again and continue on my way, this time the path collapsing behind me because I had disturbed it. It was as if it had been burning behind me, leaving nothing but a thin layer of its remains, and now that it had been broken it wasn't able to support itself. I continue to walk until I find a place where one of the bars, wide enough to be its down path, connected to mine.
It was difficult to decide where to go. I wanted to continue down my way, but when I tried to I was stopped by an invisible barrier. I watched as the rest of that path was burnt and destroyed, leaving me with the other path.
What had decided where I was to go? I want to know. The phantom walked through the barrier but did not fall through the space where the path once was. It was like a filter...Let some it, keep others out.
After what seems like hours of walking – although I don't know how long it really was – I see more of the paths. They seem to branch out more and more, like a web with phantoms. One passes through me, but I cannot feel it. It cannot feel me as well, and passes along without looking back.
I am the only one who can see these phantoms? They do not stop to look at me. Maybe I am like this to them? Or I am the only one who is real.
My mind fills with these thoughts. Each one stands out from the rest, if only for a short moment before they drown again in other thoughts. Each one speaks loudly to me, in a voice that is not my own. They all have different voices. And now that I think about it, the phantoms do not speak. Besides my own thoughts, there is no sound in this strange realm. Even my footsteps are silent against the path.
I continue to be forced onto other paths, and more and more phantoms join me in a silent trance. We walk deeper into this knot of pathways, devoid of emotions. I cannot feel mine, I cannot see theirs. What is this place? I want to ask, but they will not hear me.
We never tire on our journey to nowhere. We keep walking.
I continue to think. Do we belong here? Are we chosen by a higher power to be here? There are so many things I wish to describe, things that I think of in this place, but those thoughts could only exist here. Maybe we all have our own paths, each one dividing for its own purpose, but how long until we reach our location?
And then I begin falling.

[Esoteric]

Okay, thoughts!

It will require creativity, but I'd recommend cutting down on the number of sentences that begin with 'I', and frankly, cutting down on the use of 'I' in general. Why? Two reasons. A: It can create a subconscious impression that the narrator is self-centered. I do this, I do that, I feel this, I think that... 'Blah blah blah', the reader thinks. Ever been sucked into a conversation with someone who likes talking incessantly about them-self? The same effect can occur in First Person if you aren't careful.
B: Similarly, every time the word 'I' is used, it (ironically) reminds the reader that they are removed from the situation--that the experience is someone else's. This is not conducive to helping a reader respond emotionally to certain descriptions, thoughts, etc.
Example:

I press my hand down onto its surface. It is smooth and solid, and it is also warm. It almost feels like I am touching a person's hand. I decide to move on to see where the path leads me.

I press my hand down onto its surface. It is smooth and solid, but also strangely warm, like the touch of a person's hand pressing against my own. There is nothing else to do but move on and see where the path leads.

Here, I've removed two of the 'I's, substituting one with 'my', although I could have ended the sentence after 'hand' to avoid adding any pronoun. But I included 'my' because it was the only way to make a more tactile description. One hand pressing against another is much more specific and evocative than, 'I am touching a person's hand'.
Now that's not to say always avoid using the word 'I'. Certainly it is necessary and has its important place woven into the narrative, but it's a common trap to use it (or any pronoun) too much. In First Person especially, less is more.

Some other random thoughts:

But now I am no longer in my trance.

You were in a trance before? But nothing seemed to have changed about your senses or surroundings, except that you could see a little farther through the mist. I'm not sure 'trance' is the right word to use here. Changed or broadened your 'focus' maybe? Or field of view? Or concentration?

It was like a filter...Let some it, keep others out

It was like a filter--letting some in, keeping others out.

wide enough to be its down path

...Its own path?

Each one speaks loudly to me, in a voice that is not my own.

To you? But you just said they can't see or detect you. Error, error, Will Robinson--cannot compute!

It cannot feel me as well, and passes along without looking back.

You've just become omniscient if you know what a phantom is feeling. This is a common syntax-induced perspective error. You character can't possibly know what anyone else is thinking or feeling, you can only observe and surmise. So you could say, "It must not have felt me either because it didn't look back," and it becomes an opinion based on experience. But you can't flat out say, "it didn't feel anything," ...not in First Person anyway.

Anyway, I wish you well on your application!

[Ante Bellum]

Ah, I did make a few mistakes there. I didn't take time to proofread it yet, I just posted it as is and I make a few mistakes unless I go back. I'll see where I can cut out 'I's as
well. A little bit after the beginning it is mentioned that the person is in a sort of trance from just walking aimlessly. The things that are speaking loudly are the person's own thoughts. Then I'll change the part about the phantom not being able to feel the person.

It was a little more difficult to write because it had to be centered around five words:
"Screen" - I used it to mean the filters that keep people on one path.
"Web" - The web of paths.
"Hollow" - Being more or less devoid of emotion.
"Disrupt" - The person isn't just walking continuously down the path, they are disrupted a little bit.
"Char" - The burning of the path.

Thanks for your thoughts!

[Esoteric]

A little bit after the beginning it is mentioned that the person is in a sort of trance from just walking aimlessly.

Oh, you're right! I must have gotten distracted by the number of sentences starting with 'I' in the first paragraph and skimmed over that part. Gomen. Using 'trance' works with that previous mention.

The things that are speaking loudly are the person's own thoughts.

Okay, then the sentence needs to be adjusted so the reader knows that you're speaking metaphorically or descriptively, not literally. That's always a danger to look out for too--that your sentence can't be taken to mean multiple things.
For example, "Her eyes were on the chair." So, is she looking at the chair, or did she pry her eyeballs out and set them on it? It may seem ridiculous that someone might think the latter, but it happens, and it's the writer's job to avoid as much confusion as possible.

It was a little more difficult to write because it had to be centered around five words:
"Screen" - I used it to mean the filters that keep people on one path.
"Web" - The web of paths.
"Hollow" - Being more or less devoid of emotion.
"Disrupt" - The person isn't just walking continuously down the path, they are disrupted a little bit.
"Char" - The burning of the path.

I see. That does make it harder for sure. It certainly explains some of the choices you made in description. It's a very unusual word set, but I think you've used them very well.

[Ante Bellum]

Ah, okay! I'll fix it up and post it here once I'm done.

[Ante Bellum]

Okay, I went through it and cut down on the 'I's.

-----

I am standing on a path, I think. It is hard to tell, because there is a thick mist swirling around my feet. I can't see much around me, either. I want to take a step forward, but sweep the area in front of me with my foot before doing so. I do this again, and again, until I can do it quickly, making my way forward on that hidden path. I concentrate on that single path forward, falling into a trance while I count my steps and my breathing, adding and then dividing by zero...I know I shouldn't be able to, but somehow I could here. There's really nothing but glowing, colorful bars crossing high over the path, in different shades of blues and purples. Along those paths phantoms of humans are walking. I do not recognize them, and they do not notice me. Some seem to be on the same path I was.
When I look down at the path, it wasn't the solid-feeling path I remembered from within the fog. Stumbling backwards and falling, I feel devoid of the emotion of surprise or fear. I stand up slowly, and then bend down again to look at the path. It is a dark violet color and seems to pulse with life. I press my hand down onto its surface. It is smooth and solid, and it is also warm. It almost feels like two hands pressing against each other. There is nothing left to do but move on and see where the path leads.
But now I am no longer in my trance. I see that the path is connected to the glowing bars, although that point is farther on ahead. Was everything connected together? I turn around to look behind me. It's hard to see the path. It seems to have disappeared as I sweep the area with my eyes, discovering that only a few steps behind me the path was being covered with some substance. I step over and touch it. It was hot, but not enough to burn. I try to brush the substance aside, but it crumbles, followed by everything covered by it. It falls away like ash, leaving no solid way with which to go back. A phantom continues to walk along that path towards me.
I still feel empty, though. There is no remorse for that loss. I just turn again and continue on my way, this time the path collapsing in my wake. It was as if it had been burning leaving nothing but a thin layer of its remains, and now that it had been broken it wasn't able to support itself. I continue to walk until I find a place where one of the bars, wide enough to be its own path, connected to mine.
It was difficult to decide where to go. I wanted to continue down my way, but when I tried to I was stopped by an invisible barrier. I watched as the rest of that path was burnt and destroyed, leaving me with the other path.
What had decided where I was to go? I want to know. The phantom walks through the barrier but does not fall through the space where the path once was. It was like a filter...Let some in, keep others out.
After what seems like hours of walking – although I don't know how long it really was – I see more of the paths. They seem to branch out more and more, like a web with phantoms. One passes through me, but I cannot feel it. It does not seem to feel me, though, and passes along without looking back. Am I the only one who can see these phantoms? They do not stop to look at me. Maybe I am like this to them? Or I am the only one who is real.
My mind fills with these thoughts. Each one stands out from the rest, if only for a short moment before they drown again in other thoughts. Each thought speaks loudly to me, in a voice that is not my own. They all have different voices. And now that I think about it, the phantoms do not speak. Besides my own thoughts, there is no sound in this strange realm. Even my footsteps are silent against the path.
I continue to be forced onto other paths, and more and more phantoms join me in a silent trance. We walk deeper into this knot of pathways, devoid of emotions. I cannot feel mine, I cannot see theirs. What is this place? I want to ask, but they will not hear me.
We never tire on our journey to nowhere. We keep walking.
I continue to think. Do we belong here? Are we chosen by a higher power to be here? There are so many things I wish to describe, things that I think of in this place, but those thoughts could only exist here. Maybe we all have our own paths, each one dividing for its own purpose, but how long until we reach our location?
And then I begin falling.

[Esoteric]

Great! The sentence structures are much better and more varied now. It reads much better in terms of flow.

There's just one more remaining issue--something I didn't catch before either. The tense changes. There are some sentences which slip into past tense. Tense is actually one of my weak points. I mean, I know the difference between present and past tense, but not so much between present simple, present perfect, present progressive, and so forth. So, you might want to consult a Grammar Handbook or something to be sure, but here are a couple of places that stuck out to me as being the wrong tense.

Some seem to be on the same path I was.

Some seem to be on the same path I am.

It was hot, but not enough to burn.

Is is hot, but not enough to burn.

It was difficult to decide where to go. I wanted to continue down my way, but when I tried to I was stopped by an invisible barrier. I watched as the rest of that path was burnt and destroyed, leaving me with the other path.
What had decided where I was to go? I want to know. The phantom walks through the barrier but does not fall through the space where the path once was. It was like a filter...Let some in, keep others out.

It is difficult to decide where to go. I want to continue down my way, but when I try to I am stopped by and invisible barrier. I watch as the rest of that path is burnt and destroyed, leaving me with the other path. What is deciding where I am to go? I want to know. The phantom walks through the barrier but does not fall through the space where the path once was. It is like a filter....

There might be a couple more. I recommend checking through it one more time yourself, reading it out loud, looking for inconsistencies in tense. You're almost there!

[Ante Bellum]

Yeah, I haven't quite mastered present tense. I found a ton of errors so I fixed them. I haven't done anything besides past tense before in writing, this is literally the first time I've used present tense, so I'm not good at it either. But, I tried to change them all to at least present, and it sounds better now.
Thanks again! It's so much better now, it makes more sense. ^_^