Obstacles in a relationship

[Leshko]

Hello, everyone. I wasn't sure whether to post this in Christian Growth or Prayer Room, so I'm sorry me if this is the wrong place.

My girlfriend of two months is a huge fan of anime and manga (a self-described "weeaboo"). I've wanted to get into anime for a while, but didn't really know where to start; she is absolutely obsessed with Higurashi and makes references it constantly, so I decided to start watching it. I really enjoyed the first few episodes, and we had some warm and fuzzy moments talking about the show, but at the same time, the excessive gore and dark plot not only disturbed me, but made me feel morally conflicted, overall putting a heavy weight on my heart, and as I kept these feeling from her, on our relationship as well. Now, whenever I see a disturbing image, I just give it time and let myself become desensitized, then I don't feel so bad. But this time, the feeling didn't go away like like always does, because this time, I was really beginning to wonder whether it was morally wrong for me, or anyone (including my girlfriend) to be watching this.

Now, you're probably gonna say that's silly, desensitization is natural, etc. but I believe that you have to examine your reason for wanting to watch it. I know that man has a natural and perverse fascination with the disturbing and macabre, so it all comes down to whether, by watching shows like Higurashi, you're feeding the flesh nature. Laugh all you want, but I'm sincerely concerned that my girlfriend is poisoning herself by watching things like Higurashi, Elfin Leid and Umineko.

And what's worse, in the peak of my insecurity, she posted an animated gif on a Facebook IM of SPOILER: Highlight text to read: Rika grabbing Mion's breasts, which repulsed and even disturbed me and completely turned me off to watching Higurashi any longer. It's not as bad as it sounds, she only posted it as a joke, but it still disturbs me that she thought that was funny. I told her I didn't even want to watch it anymore, that image was so perverted and she responded "anime is perverted, what the hell did you expect?" That attitude really scares me and confirms my doubts. We made up afterward; I told her how I felt and she told me I don't have to watch the anime, but I never told her that I was afraid it was wrong for her to be watching it. I've told myself again and again that it's over and I don't have to worry, but can't bring myself to believe it. What finally brought me to come here for help was seeing something she reblogged on Tumblr, a collage of sexual imagery from the show with the text "I watch Higurashi for the story." One of those images, I found really and truly disturbing (though there was nothing violent or anything) and I'm not even going to describe it. Once again, I know she only reblogged because she thought it was funny, but the fact that she sees humor in something that made me physically sick to look at fills me with anxiety.

Thanks for reading, I'm sorry for the wall of text, but please pray for us, and any advice on what I should to will be greatly appreciated.

[goldenspines]

First off, welcome to CAA, Leshko.
I'll be praying, since this does seem like a tough situation for you.

As for advice, I can give a little, but it will be quite biased against your girlfriend, since I have a very critical opinion of people who only consider anime perverted. I've known too many shallow anime fans who think like that and it makes me quite sad for them. :\ (I'd compare it to someone who considers all American films R rated)

So, in truth, if her liking of this perverted stuff in anime bothers you too much, I suggest breaking up with her. It is not your place to try to stop her from liking this stuff. You did try to convince her already (as you said), but since she refused to change, don't waste yourself on her and leave her heart to God.

That's probably not what you want to hear, but you need to think about these things, you know? Like, thinking on the reasons why you are together with this girl? It could be that despite her like for perverted things in anime, she may be a very sweet girl! Maybe she's fun to hang out with! The two of you could get along really well despite this! That sort of stuff. Measure the reasons on why you are together with her and how much you can tolerate. If you can't tolerate this and it's too much pain for you, it's better to break up now and avoid further heart break later for both of you.

Plus, relationships are giving and taking from both parties; and from what you're saying, it seems like your gf is only taking and not giving or really even caring about you. :\

Best of luck.

[Leshko]

First off, welcome to CAA, Leshko.
I'll be praying, since this does seem like a tough situation for you.

Thank you so much!

You did try to convince her already (as you said), but since she refused to change, don't waste yourself on her and leave her heart to God.

Well, as I said, I did hold back on some of my thoughts, so maybe she just didn't quite understand where I was coming from.

That's probably not what you want to hear, but you need to think about these things, you know? Like, thinking on the reasons why you are together with this girl? It could be that despite her like for perverted things in anime, she may be a very sweet girl! Maybe she's fun to hang out with! The two of you could get along really well despite this! That sort of stuff. Measure the reasons on why you are together with her and how much you can tolerate. If you can't tolerate this and it's too much pain for you, it's better to break up now and avoid further heart break later for both of you.

Breaking up with her would be extremely painful for both of us. (But I guess it always is.) She really is a sweet and loving girl in spite of all this, and I think she needs me more than I need her. She has self-esteem issues and when I first started dating her, I really brought her out of a depression. I think if I broke up with her now, it would crush her self-esteem.

Plus, relationships are giving and taking from both parties; and from what you're saying, it seems like your gf is only taking and not giving or really even caring about you. :\

She seems to be giving in most areas of our relationship, and she's really brought me out of some rough times, but she's not really herself when it comes to anime. It might be emotional baggage from her parents. I'm not sure what other options I have, but I really hope we can solve this without breaking up.

Best of luck.

Thank you, I feel like I'm starting to see the situation a little clearer now.

[LastLfan]

Might i reccomend trying to find a less violent anime the two o you could get into together? I don't really know much about relationships considering I've never had one, but i do know that their are non violent anime. Heck even dark and twisted anime that don't have a lot of violence. I don't know how much this helps but, i figured I'd throw my two cents into the matter. Good luck

[Nate]

Introduce her to me.

[K. Ayato]

I understand you care about her, but realized you're incapable of being her savior in regards to her battles with low self-esteem and depression. Only God can and should fill that role. Be there for her, but if it's deepened to where she is completely dependent on you to make her feel whole and important, time to seriously re-evaluate the relationship.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Clearly there is an incompatibility of internal values between you and her. That kind of difference is simply not going to resolve itself. Either one person compromises (be it you or her) or the relationship is setting itself up for failure.

There will always be hiccups in relationships. That's natural. But where issues will arise is if two people are in a relationship in order to fulfill one's self-worth. If she's looking at you for her own personal validation (or vice versa) then the relationship is already insecure to begin with.

I'm not going to say break up, because you never know how a the dynamics of any relationship may grow or change. But try to see where you and her will both be in even as little as a year from now. Are you two going to have continuous uncompromisable incompatibilities in values or ethics? If so then you should really assess if this is a relationship you want to put a lot of effort into. With relationships there *needs* to be a certain level of self-preservation. If not you'll continually be a doormat and over time be jaded by relationships.

Please be mindful that I am talking about *important* values. Are these "perverted" behaviors of hers a serious deal breaker for you? You need to eventually figure this out. Take myself for example. I'd probably give a girl who doesn't casually drink a chance. But if she's a hardcore Republican I will likely immediately write her off (unless she as some other astounding or amazing aspect of her, like if she was really into Soren Kierkegaard or somebody. Serious turnon. I'll eventually corrupt her anyway). Maybe you will change one day. Or maybe she will change. Maybe in time she will find these "perverted" things to be dumb and juvenile. Or maybe in time you'll "loosen up" and be okay with dirty jokes and vulgarity here and there.

[Xeno]

Anime is awful, but not for the reasons you think.

That being said, all forms of entertainment are perverted and horrible and terrible and other adjectives with negative connotations. Your girlfriend is not poisoning herself by watching cartoons anymore than I am by reading Dexter novels or someone else is for watching Breaking Bad on AMC. If you want to see the bad in things then you will, and obviously that is what you have chosen to see. You clearly don't like anime, and that's fine because anime is garbage, but that doesn't mean you have to find reasons to make it seem like a plight on the people who do enjoy it (typically people have enough personality flaws to be made fun by themselves).

Breaking up with her would be extremely painful for both of us. (But I guess it always is.) She really is a sweet and loving girl in spite of all this, and I think she needs me more than I need her. She has self-esteem issues and when I first started dating her, I really brought her out of a depression. I think if I broke up with her now, it would crush her self-esteem.

I lol'd here. I like how you try to make it seem like she gets more out of the relationship than you do and you're basically doing her a favor by being with her. What a peach you are.

She seems to be giving in most areas of our relationship, and she's really brought me out of some rough times, but she's not really herself when it comes to anime. It might be emotional baggage from her parents. I'm not sure what other options I have, but I really hope we can solve this without breaking up.

So what you're saying is, she's really flexible with whatever you want everywhere except with animu, because she really likes that, and this upsets you; so while that's clearly an expression of herself, that needs to be stamped out in favor of something more preferable to your own tastes. And you're willing to come up with ridiculous excuses for her taste in media in order to do this. Let me know if I got that wrong, because I'm pretty sure I didn't.

Good job champ

[Leshko]

Thank you, Ayato and Mr.SmartyPants, your thoughts were been very helpful. I think I know what I need to say to her now, and I'm praying things will go well.

That being said, all forms of entertainment are perverted and horrible and terrible and other adjectives with negative connotations. Your girlfriend is not poisoning herself by watching cartoons anymore than I am by reading Dexter novels or someone else is for watching Breaking Bad on AMC. If you want to see the bad in things then you will, and obviously that is what you have chosen to see. You clearly don't like anime, and that's fine because anime is garbage, but that doesn't mean you have to find reasons to make it seem like a plight on the people who do enjoy it (typically people have enough personality flaws to be made fun by themselves).

All I said was that I feel conflicted about things with excessive violent and sexual content. I'm not ignoring the positive qualities, and in fact, I specifically mentioned that I enjoyed what little I saw of the show in spite it. And if you're neither an anime fan, nor Christian, what are you even doing on this site?

I lol'd here. I like how you try to make it seem like she gets more out of the relationship than you do and you're basically doing her a favor by being with her. What a peach you are.

That's a pretty big jump from "she needs me more than I need her" to "I'm doing her a favor by being with her." I love her as much as she loves me, but she's more attached; love and attachment are not the same thing.

So what you're saying is, she's really flexible with whatever you want everywhere except with animu, because she really likes that, and this upsets you; so while that's clearly an expression of herself, that needs to be stamped out in favor of something more preferable to your own tastes. And you're willing to come up with ridiculous excuses for her taste in media in order to do this. Let me know if I got that wrong, because I'm pretty sure I didn't.

Did you even read the original post? This isn't about the media, the media is a complete distraction from the point. This is about exposing herself to intense violent images, where they come from doesn't matter. I can see how you would think the part about her parents is a ridiculous excuse, but I do have reason for thinking that; her parents have a very close-minded attitude toward anime. (Please resist the urge to make a "No U" comeback.)

[Xeno]

All I said was that I feel conflicted about things with excessive violent and sexual content. I'm not ignoring the positive qualities, and in fact, I specifically mentioned that I enjoyed what little I saw of the show in spite it. And if you're neither an anime fan, nor Christian, what are you even doing on this site?

I'm here to frustrate and confuse people.

That's a pretty big jump from "she needs me more than I need her" to "I'm doing her a favor by being with her." I love her as much as she loves me, but she's more attached; love and attachment are not the same thing.

You're right that love and attachment are not the same thing, however the statement "he/she needs me more than I need him/her" is indicative of the person saying it doing the other person a favor by remaining in a situation with the other person. Regardless of your personal feelings of love for her, you indicated that you are doing her a favor by propping her up and making yourself the pillar in this relationship. If that is really what is going on, then something definitely is wrong because that is not how relationships are supposed to work; one person should not have to rely on the other. We aren't filling proverbial empty holes in each other.

Did you even read the original post? This isn't about the media, the media is a complete distraction from the point. This is about exposing herself to intense violent images, where they come from doesn't matter. I can see how you would think the part about her parents is a ridiculous excuse, but I do have reason for thinking that; her parents have a very close-minded attitude toward anime. (Please resist the urge to make a "No U" comeback.)

I did read your op, and if the media is a complete distraction then why did you spend so much of the post talking about how much you dislike anime? Either way, "violent images" are something that some people either have to deal with, or just simply put up with, and what is considered violent varies from person to person. Seeing things makes people view things differently, some people find graphic violence to be horrifying, others aren't affected at all by it (not due to desensitization, they just aren't impacted), yet other people feel empathic loss, and so on. And as far as her parents being closed-minded to japanese cartoons, I'm still at a loss as to what that has to do with anything. Back when I did like the stuff my parents didn't care for it either, but I don't have "emotional baggage" because my mommy and daddy didn't like my anime and made fun of them.

It seriously seems like you're overreacting to the fact that she likes this stuff. If you don't want her sending you images of cartoons squeezing cartoon boobies, then tell her to not do it. If you don't want to watch anime then don't. She can watch whatever she wants to and it's not going to turn her into a raving serial killer.

[K. Ayato]

Xeno's bluntness aside, I happen to agree with him. I'm not sensing any clearly established boundaries in your relationship. Of particular note, the (in)ability to say "No". From what you've shared, it's like you're afraid to say no to her for fear that she's going to crumble and be in a (possibly) worse state than she was in before you started dating. I'm also not picking up that you respect your girlfriend's viewpoints on certain things, even if they don't mirror your own. Your OP says you've been together for 2 months so far. I'm hoping for both your sakes you didn't get into this with a "We'll try this and see how it goes" approach without drawing some lines in the sand that one or both of you made clear that will never be crossed.

Xeno brings up a very good point about perspective. Not everyone is going to see a given subject the same way you do. Let's use myself as an example and take the topic of horror films. I really don't get the hype and appeal of films such as the Halloween and Scream movies, or some of the latest ones that have been shown in the theaters for the past say 5 years. Just feels overblown to me and not very realistic. But, psychological horror films such as Psycho (which some may not classify as "horror", and that's okay) where there may still be lots of blood and guts and other films where the perpetrator attacks the characters' psyche I personally feel are scarier than straight-up slasher flicks.

Another example I can give of my own experience is the series on Spartacus. Those shows have a lot of violence, profanity, and sexual content. Definitely not for the faint of heart, as I put it. Yes, those elements can be a bit disturbing for me, but the reason I followed the series was for the story, seeing Spartacus was a man who actually existed. I'm not there for the superfluous amounts of exposed flesh.

And that's where boundaries should come into play. If your girlfriend wants the two of you to watch Higurashi together, be mature enough to say no. If she asks why, don't give her a sermon of how "bad" it is and how she shouldn't be enjoying such "objectionable" content so much and simply say "I'm really not comfortable with that kind of show. Is there something else we can watch that we'll both enjoy?". If she mocks you, then hold your ground and tell her if she wants to watch it, she can watch it without you, and you leave the room or whatever. Should she pout, don't bend over backwards and throw your decision(s) in the trash just to make her feel better. As I said earlier, both of you should be able and willing to respect each other's viewpoints on certain things, even if you don't agree with them.

[Nate]

This is about exposing herself to intense violent images

But why does that matter? Being exposed to intense violent images means absolutely nothing. Slasher/horror films make plenty of money at the box office and there is not an increase in violent crime whenever one is released. That's not even counting people who work in jobs where they are potentially exposed to intense violent images every day, such as a crime scene investigator.

Sorry, but this just seems like a situation of "Stop liking what I don't like!" If you don't like it, don't watch it, and tell her you're not interested in watching it with her, but you don't have the right to tell her to stop enjoying things that are harmless.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Again you're having a conflict of values here. It's obviously wrong to you (for the time being anyway) and you feel uncomfortable about it. This is okay. She is okay with these things. That is also okay. Do not impose your ethics or values onto her. That isn't being fair to her and it certainly is not being fair to yourself.