CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

So, I'm turning 30 in 26 days. It is indeed a blessing to grow older --I have had friends pass away very young --and I know 30 isn't old. That isn't the issue.

I'm having a much rougher time emotionally with this than I thought I would.

Life has turned out MUCH differently than I wanted or hoped for. I had thought I would be married with a family or at least have a career by now.

Instead of being sick and having so much of my life be going to doctors and having test after test --and only being able to work very part time grading worksheets instead of working in my field of study. And having to depend on aides who come in for a few hours a day to make meals, clean, do laundry, etc. so I can live in my own apartment.

There are good things in my life, don't get me wrong. I'm alive and I have good friends and many other blessings. It's just that this is how I feel currently --it is so hard to accept God's plan over my own sometimes --especially when it doesn't look like what I had hoped for or planned. Acceptance and surrender is so hard. And is very much a non-linear process. I keep cycling between anger and grief and accepting.

I'm not in the mindset of "I must have a husband or I will die!!!", but it is very lonely. I know several people who are lonely within marriage, so I know that is not a cure for loneliness. It would just be nice to have someone to go through life with.

I also wonder what I am contributing to the body of Christ. I'm not able to serve like I used to. I can still serve in other ways, but my heart still aches that I am not able to do what I used to.

I know that comparing myself to others robs me of joy, it's just so hard not to do -- I see what others are doing to serve and share Christ and see their lives and their families and their careers --and it just hurts. Social media often brings up these feelings of discontent --but I can't stop using it altogether as it is how I access support groups and friends and family --I just need help with not allowing it to stir up these feelings.

Sometimes I feel so useless. Like I'm just surviving. I know I'm not useless --it just feels that way sometimes when I'm stuck in my apartment so much or when my body gives out doing simple things. Or when I'm struggling with depression and anxiety (which are effects of my neurological issues) and can't "snap out of it" as some people expect me to.

I am just...tired. So very tired. And I feel stuck.

I guess I could use some encouragement. Something I can look at to remind myself that my best days aren't over, but that the best days are yet to come. And that there is a purpose behind all of this. Fuel to help me keep fighting.

Your value as a person is independent of your career, your contribution to the Church, or your mental and physical health (or lack of any of these). I know that might not be much comfort, but remember that you are hand crafted, not mass produced.

Honestly, if I had just half the difficulties you face daily in life, I don't think I'd have the mental or emotional willpower to make it through each day.

As you've probably already discovered, strength is more than physical.

I have no advice or word of encouragement for you, and cannot say for certain that "the best is yet to come" (I have a few years on you). The fact that you can even see the good in life is a testament to your character and maturity.

That alone is a "gem" worth holding onto tightly, especially when you feel there's not much light in life - remember that, and remember we here are all fellow travellers on the same journey, though we might not really "know" each other.

Oh, and a happy (advance) birthday to you. May your special day be filled with fond memories.

Sheenar wrote:Life has turned out MUCH differently than I wanted or hoped for.

I think most people can relate to that. And it is really hard to deal with. I know I am continuing to live with that. I guess we just better move on. But sometimes moving on takes years. You are useful in ways that others can't be and sometimes you can't do what others can. I'm wishing for the best for you. I'll pray when I remember.

Hi. I know that we don't know each other, even online very much, but I want you to know that I will be praying for you.

I just want to say first that I hope you don't feel the need to defend yourself about having these dreams and desires for your life. Speaking for myself, I know that I sometimes struggle because I feel like I can't really express the hopes I have for my future without an odd sense of guilt. I'm not sure if it's something I've told myself, or if it's something that my church culture has facilitated, but there's a sense that I shouldn't ever want anything because God is supposed to be enough for me. Though I'm certainly not an expert in theology, I don't think this is exactly right; surely God knows the goals and dreams I have for myself, and thinks they're valuable because I am valuable. If I ultimately never achieve them, of course I'm going to be disappointed. But the difference is that I am not going to be destroyed by these things because I have God.

I'm hoping I expressed myself decently, but my point is that I believe God cares about our desires at least as much as we do, if not more. And while our strongest desires are to be for God, that doesn't make the wish for marriage and a good career unimportant. I'm sure that right now you are feeling a lot of pain, but I'm also sure that God loves you so much that his heart is also hurting for you.

One of my mom's favorite things to say is that "God isn't up in heaven right now wringing his hands in uncertainty about what's happening and wondering what to do next." It's really, really hard right now, but God is still here. He's not taken by surprise. And he's certainly not going to leave you, ever.

Our time on earth seems very long, but when you compare it to all the time in heaven, it's only like you've been sleeping for a few hours. In that sense, I can promise you that the best days are definitely yet to come. As far as your best days on earth, I'm sure there are wonderful surprises planned for you in the future. They might not be what you're expecting, but God is your father, and he has plans for you, his child.

Dearest Sheena,
Bear with me if this gets long!

You have been such a close friend of mine for eight years. Eight years!  And a friend for longer in that time than even my beloved husband!

You were among the first to greet me when I joined the CAA community. Even as a teenager dealing with so much in high school - things that I now, as a young adult, have names for in terms of mental illness. You stuck with me in the pain, in the struggle of it all, and through the suffering everything brought to me, all the while living with your own health issues.

At the time, I only knew bits of your story. But as the years have passed I have only come to know it more and walk beside you...if only as an internet "stranger" turned friend.  I wish I could be there in person to hug you and hold you when the doubt and anxiety gets to be too much...to be, in the very least, available to talk face to face when you need it most.

But here I am, available to you through written word, which is often the best I can do in hopes that I could always offer you encouragement when you need it.

Dear sister in Christ, you're not alone. You're not walking this walk alone; you have friends that love you very much, though none of what we have to offer compares in the slightest to what our Heavenly Father provides. We all stand by your side.

You, dear friend, are covered by the blood of Christ. Even in the darkest days, He has your back.

Life often feels cruel, especially when it veers off into a course we never expected. You and I...we didn't expect to live our lives "sick"...yet here we are. Which perhaps gives us greater ability, power, if you will, to spur each other forward (see Hebrews 10:24)! This isn't, of course, limited to the two of us, but expands to those who understand what it means to be sick/broken/etc....which really, can apply to anyone is some way. We all live in a fallen, soulsick condition, after all.

You are not alone.

Remember the words of Hebrews 10:39 -- "But we are not those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls." and also continuing in 12:28-29 -- "Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire."

I think with where you're at, you still live these verses. It may not be how you would expect, or how you'd want, but you still live and love and encourage in a way that I've seen in very few others. Your work is not in vain, dear sister.

At the risk of repeating what I've said many times before outside of this thread, as well as things that just now come to mind --- We are but vapors (James 4:14), but God is your strength (Phil. 4:13), He is sufficient in your weakness (1 Cor. 12:9), He will fight for you (Exodus 14:14), He is your shepherd (Ps. 23:1), He is your rock, your refuge, your shield (2 Sam. 22:2-3), He is the sound of gentle blowing (1 Kings 19:12), He is Alpha and Omega (Rev. 20:6), He is I Am (Exodus 3:14), and all things hold together through Him (Col. 1:17)!!

God is still on the throne. He reigns. Hold fast to the truth found in Scripture and praise Him. Faithful is He who calls you (1 Thess. 5:24).

You are loved, dear friend.  You are not alone. I stand beside you, as do many others. And our God, especially, for He knows most intimately what you need and desire.  For what it's worth, your 30th birthday is a wonderful milestone in your life's journey thus far! 

"The Grace of the Lord Jesus be with you." - 1 Cor. 16:23

With love in Christ,
praying grace and peace to you,
Okami

Thank you, friends! I read and treasured each one of your posts. Thank you so much for the encouragement and love!

Today was rough. Didn't get anything on my to-do list done. So tired and dizzy. Also, one of my neighbors is ...difficult...to deal with at times. And this afternoon was one of those times. She is sometimes very unkind with her words. Tried to respond in grace, but wound up breaking down in tears and fleeing to my apartment where I have been since. I'm hoping I can sneak out to take my dog out tonight without running into her again today. I can't handle anymore.

I am not in a good place today. Praying tomorrow will be better. I'm getting out with a friend to go play some Smash Bros. Brawl. Have to fight really hard not to withdraw totally right now, so it is good my friend texted me to come over to play games for a while.

I'm sorry for not responding to each of you individually. I am so very tired right now. But know I appreciate each of you!

I'm heading to bed shortly and will try again tomorrow.

Sheenar, I don't have half the experience you have, or half the strength, but every time I see you in chat, or read one of your posts, I see a strong and kind person, pushing through her own struggles to help others with theirs. Like EventualDay, I don't know you that well, and certainly nowhere as near as much as Okami, but I have always thought of you as a friend. Reading about how you push onwards makes me wish I could be as patient and enduring as you, because I know I struggle to control my temper and be patient and kind. When you tell us about your struggles, trusting us to help as best we can, it means a lot, and I wish I could be there in person to both help you, and thank you. You are an incredible person Sheenar, and I'm grateful to have met you and talked with you. You are strong and patient and kind, and you are loved. I hope that someday soon you can hold your head up high and smile with peace in your heart, because you deserve it.

(Sorry if this is a bit stream-of-consciousness and hard to read, I'm not too good at this. ^^'')

Thanks BL. I really appreciate it.

I'm currently reading the book "If You Feel Too Much: Thoughts on Things Found and Lost and Hoped For" by Jamie Tworkowski (founder of TWLOHA). The book is basically a collection of his writings and blog posts.

I read this entry today and found it encouraging. Especially point #2.
Thanksgiving blog for people who suck at Thanksgiving

There has been much encouraging in this book. I'm glad I spent the $8 to get it on my Kindle.

Today was a bit better. Had fun gaming with my friend. Had a restful afternoon/evening. Am cuddling with my 90 lb overgrown puppy.

3 weeks from tomorrow is the day. I don't feel ready for this. I don't know why I feel anxiety over a birthday, but I do. Maybe it's because my 20s and the decades before were so difficult. Maybe I'm afraid to hope? I don't know. I just know this is how I feel and no matter how much I tell myself "Hey, it's a blessing to grow older!" and "God has a purpose and plan!", I still feel this apprehension.

Lord help my unbelief. Trust is so hard.

Just 18 more days!

I've been thinking of my mother today --a conversation at counseling earlier today brought her to mind. She hasn't spoken to me in 3 years. She doesn't respond to the cards I send her for her birthday, Mother's Day, etc. It's hard that we don't have the relationship where she'd be there for important milestones like this.

Anyway, I'm hanging in there. Still a bit of a rough patch, but things are going a bit better. I've been hanging out with a friend and getting out of the apartment has been good for me. We watched an Astros (baseball) game at his parent's house last night and are going bowling on Thursday. This is the same friend I gamed with the other day. I'm grateful for him.

Had fun bowling and then going for Mexican food. I really enjoyed being out with him.

I am so very sore and tired today. Have PT this afternoon. May hang out with him again with a mutual friend this afternoon if timing works out.

Just 15 days. I don't feel ready for this. But it's going to happen anyway. So may as well roll with it, I guess. : P

I'm sorry I didn't see and respond to this thread sooner, Sheena. Please know that you are loved, you are special, and God isn't done with you by a long shot.
I'm sorry I can't write a longer post, but it's late and my brain isn't working too well. *hug* Take care, friend.

Thank you for the encouragement, Claec. It means a lot.

Just 3 more days! I'm at home sick today --ran a low grade fever last night and feel yucky today (but a little better). Hopefully will kick this ick before Saturday!

I'm feeling both sad and excited. Sad because I'm thinking of my mom and how she won't be celebrating with me due to her choice to not be in my life (still coming to terms with that even though it's been years since we've spoken. But excited my best friend and her husband are coming into town and for the other friends who will be celebrating with us --and the fun day planned on Saturday!

30s may have rough things happen, but they will also have a lot of adventures and good things as well! And thank God I am still alive!

Thankfully, I am feeling better, though my sore throat is lingering a bit with a slight cough here and there. But I don't feel like death! \^.^/

Tomorrow's the day! Today is the last day of my 20s! Feels weird, man.

Just a quick update.

My birthday went well! Was a wonderful day with friends. I'm so grateful.

I don't feel any older --or wiser. XD

But the anticipation is over! So I feel better emotionally.

Thank you guys for the prayers!