CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

Hi... long-time lurker... very infrequent poster... ^^/

I've been going through a few things over the course of the year and it's through those things that I've noticed some personally disturbing aspects of my character. I've seen some deeply personal things come about within me that have challenged everything that I thought I knew about myself. Because of what I've seen, I felt prompted to take a journey of sorts inward and try to understand the motivations of my heart: why I'm the way that I am, why I do what I do, and (most importantly) why I'm drawn to what I'm drawn to. And so, I have... and it's one of the most difficult things I've ever done, because I've had to take a good honest look at the light and the dark that I exists within me. To be honest, the whole exercise draws me closer to the brink of depression than I'd like to ever be, but I feel like such a thing is a necessary risk for the benefit of understanding myself, even if I do only a small bit more. I don't see how remaining ignorant of the reasons behind my motivations any longer can ever hope to benefit me, so I don't think I can be persuaded easily to end this pursuit (but if you have any warnings that you deem appropriate, I would be happy to hear them).

I guess the purpose of my post here is to ask you to pray for fortitude on my behalf. If this effort is to succeed, I will need the Lord to guide me to the parts of myself that I'm ready to face and to show me what to do once I've seen what I need to. I may also need someone in my life to help deal with what I find.

Thank you all.

P.S. - I kinda rushed this one out, so if there's anything that seems a little off, please let me know and I'll try to offer an explanation.

Well, I personally admire that you're willing to do this. I think this is a "journey" that any Christian could benefit from. Whether we're noticing character flaws in our lives or not, I think we all need to search our hearts and understand what motivates us. But another thing is, like you said, you can't do it without the Lord. Check out Psalm 139, and I think it'll be a help to you. On that same note, while you're going through this soul search, I would definitely recommend building/maintaining a strong prayer life, and reading a lot of Scripture. Because if you're not in tune with God while you're doing this, I believe you're more likely to not really have an ultimate goal, and to just end up looking at yourself and thinking, "I'm a mess, what am I supposed to do now?" I'm not saying you're a mess, just that when one peruses their heart and desires and goals, they tend to find a lot of bad, simply because that's what they're looking for. Then they're stuck with all this bad (real or imagined) and don't know what to do with it. That's when you have to give it to God and let Him have His way with you. Being close to God will also help you understand things better, because He knows you better than anyone else.

I found something interesting concerning "soul-searching" that might be of some help to you, as well.

In most people's lives there comes a point (or points) when they self-evalute. Self-evaluation, or soul-searching, comes when we ask fundamental questions: Who am I? What is the purpose of my life? Am I accomplishing something worthwhile? And after a time of soul-searching, we either find affirmation for our path in life, or we discover a need to make a course-change.

As a Christian, I believe that soul-searching is only healthy when it is informed by the teachings of Scripture. It's healthy for individuals and churches to stop and take stock...to stop and evaluate what the're doing in light of God's calling in Jesus Christ. And it's healthy to adjust the course, or even turn around altogether, when God's calling and our own paths don't match. There is nothing more foolish than pushing ahead in one direction while God calls us in another.

Anyway, that's just my two cents. Sorry I started spouting words of pseudo-wisdom when you were just asking for prayer. I'll definitely be praying. It's a blessing seeing a Christian taking their walk seriously. I'll be here for moral support if you need me.