CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

Hey everyone,

This thread is for Mature members only! Please use discretion in deciding whether to view this thread or post here.

This thread is the official place for requesting prayer for mature topics. Example topics include prayer requests for addiction, battles with lust, highly emotional topics, and any other issues that may not be suitable for younger members. New threads deemed by the staff to contain mature content will be locked and redirected here.

Please feel free to ask for prayer and share your struggles in this area, but bear in mind that there *are* younger members on the site. We ask that you show wisdom and sensitivity to your younger brothers and sisters in Christ. Note that we may end up snipping part or all of any posts that we feel are over the top.

Lord, please watch over the members who post here. Help them to seek after you; guard their hearts and minds - heal their souls.

James 5:16 - Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Thank you all for understanding!
-- CAA Staff

Hey guys… I haven’t been on here in a long while, but I need to open up about some stuff and can’t do it to anyone in real life… For whatever reason, I always feel “safeâ€

Sounds like that isn't something that is going to fix itself. You are going to need to get someone else into that situation (pastor, Christian counselor). I can guarantee that is the only way things are going to change.

This is going to sound very heartless, but have you considered leaving him? To be honest, it doesn't sound like he has any plans to marry you, he's living off your generosity, and he contributes nothing but making you miserable. This doesn't sound like someone you'd want to devote your life to, to me.

shooraijin (post: 1306682) wrote:This is going to sound very heartless, but have you considered leaving him? To be honest, it doesn't sound like he has any plans to marry you, he's living off your generosity, and he contributes nothing but making you miserable. This doesn't sound like someone you'd want to devote your life to, to me.

Sad to say, but I think I agree with shooraijin-sensei on this one. The number one thing you don't want to do is stay with a guy because you feel he's the only one you can get, or because you feel there is no way out. I almost made that mistake myself. I'm not saying it's easy to leave and start over, but in my experience, it was the better thing to do.

I realize others might disagree, but I don't think it's sinful for two people to live together. That's just me, though.

Also, if he complains that you're trying to force him into marriage, then maybe you should point out that he keeps forcing his way through your physical boundaries. If he has no respect for your personal space now, then he probably won't after you're married either. Marriage changes a lot, but it doesn't magically change your relationship into a better one.

If he has a major lust problem, then that's between him and God, and nobody else can really help him, especially if he denies that there's a problem in the first place. Marrying him is probably not the answer to solving this particular problem.

Anyway, sorry I blathered on there. I will pray for you and all involved in the situation, and I hope everything works out for the best.

I'll be praying for you, Jessica! I don't have any advice to give, but prayer is something I can give.

Miss Jessica, I also agree with the people who have posted before me. It seems like you are a wonderful and hard-working mother, and it seems that your fiance does not deserve you. If he loves you, then why won't he commit himself to you? It looks as if he is draining you emotionally and financially.
I really hope that you can pull through all of this. I know how hard it can be to try to take care of a family and have stress over making sure you have lights and water and transportation.
I believe that you should ask God if your fiance is the right person he has planned out for you. You are in my prayers.

Thank you for all of your prayers and concerns… to be quite honest, I’ve been very close to leaving him for quite some time. I wouldn’t say that us living together is the problem, but the fact that he *doesn’t* respect my desire to stay pure IS a huge problem. I have very little self control in the physical area myself, and that makes it so hard for me to say “no” when emotions and hormones are running high.
I know that the lust issue is between him and God, but it is so painful to be on the other side of that. Ask any woman whose husband (or fiancé, boyfriend, etc) is addicted to porn how she feels and it will likely be the same. It’s a horrible feeling to know that your man is lusting after other women… and if you have poor or shaky self esteem (as I do) it’s even more terrible.
In fact, he blames my lack of self esteem for my distaste for the porn altogether. Never mind the fact that Jesus plainly says that lusting after a woman is the same as committing adultery with her. Nevermind the fact that there are several places in the Bible that explicitly state lust and sexual immorality are wrong… *sigh*
Anyways… thank you all again for your prayers. I have some hard choices to make… and unfortunately, I lose either way.
… This is why sin isn’t worth it.

PS Edit: To his credit, he *did* clean the house yesterday, without even a word from me. In fact, I had specifically said that I would handle the dishes and kitchen cleaning when I came home from work. Yet when I came home, he had already taken care of it. That was a nice surprise.

I'm glad he did clean the house, but the cynic in me also suspects that he unconsciously knows you're wrestling with the choice of leaving him, and he is willing to do just enough (but only that) to stop that from happening.

As you say, though, you do have a very tough choice to make, and you will indeed lose something either way. But from what you've said, I think staying with him will cause you to lose more. Nevertheless, I promise not to beat you over the head about it any further -- I think you've probably had enough of that.

I'll be praying for you.
You're strong, and you'll get through.

I can't offer much advice... but I will definetely be praying for you =]

[ On another note, some personal... "lust" problems of my own. I believe I have an addiction to sex. It's just escalated in the past couple weeks to a point where it's very very... bad. As in, 6 or 7 times a day. I'm not married... but I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, and we're in one of "those" relationships where we're pretty much married... just not officially. Anyway, I'm going on the pill within the next week, to be even safer, but the bottom line is I DO want to stop, but "cold turkey" hasn't worked at all for me- we've tried a lot. So... I'm praying about it and I'm hoping a gradual stop is the answer.
It's not a question of me being strong enough to say no, because more then half the time it's my idea... I KNOW its wrong, I KNOW I need to stop, but I just can't. I try so hard, and even in midst of passion, I'll be thinking "Lord, give me strength to stop" but I just... can't. I'm trying, but not hard enough.
Anyway, I'm not asking for prayer... advice would be nice if someone has... experience with this sort of thing. Believe me, I've heard all the preachy stuff about pre-marital sex, but the bottom line is I don't see how it's wrong. I know when something feels wrong- stealing, lying, cheating... but making love to someone you're committed to just doesn't fit under that "wrong" category with me, which is why I have such a hard time saying no. I keep falling into sin, and I'm trying to stop... really. But anyway, I just needed somewhere to confess this to so that... I can keep myself in check, and don't just forget about how badly I need to change.
So, disregard this, acknowledge it, whatever floats your boat, I just needed to... admit it so I can hold myself accountable.
Thanks.
Bri.]

Mod note: we should probably not let this degenerate into a premarital sex is right or wrong discussion. The official stance of the site is pretty clear on that, so let's see what can be offered as far as helping out directly.

@Bri: Have you tried what was suggested in your last thread? Maybe, taking some time away will help If it gets too hard and you do want to see one another.. Make sure there's someone else there with you guys. Who will MAKE sure you guys behave

You know I'll be praying for you

Yes mom =P
I think I have a complex here though, because in a couple months I'm leaving for University... which means I WON'T be seeing him as much.
So I think I'm just trying to... make the time we spend together now worth it? Or something.
I'm confuzzled.

I wish I was a sloth. They never worry about things like this... well, I assume.

And thanks Tsuki ^_^

xblack_x_rosesx (post: 1307285) wrote:Yes mom =P
I think I have a complex here though, because in a couple months I'm leaving for University... which means I WON'T be seeing him as much.
So I think I'm just trying to... make the time we spend together now worth it? Or something.
I'm confuzzled.

I wish I was a sloth. They never worry about things like this... well, I assume.

And thanks Tsuki ^_^

Well, how do you truly feel about all of this? The both of you truly want to stop right? You guys can still spend time together without.. doing it (@_@) ^__^;

(Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk more)

I lol'd at the sloth comment xDD;

Bri,

Confession is a great start. Most people aren't blessed with a conscience that perfectly mirrors God's law, so sometimes all you can do is acknowledge that law and hope that God will show you the reason behind it later.

Let me reiterate that not "feeling" God's law is not uncommon. It's perfectly normal, even expected if you consider that we're fallen beings and all that. Not everyone misunderstands the same things but it's practically guaranteed that you'll misunderstand something.

I don't have any great advice about how to deal with it when it happens. As I'm sure you're finding, it's easy to know something but much harder to feel it against your will. You can try to be more rational, but that comes with its own problems. You can try figuring out why you don't feel the way God does, but you can't eradicate your old nature and might just get frustrated when you can't find the answers by yourself. Sometimes confession in the now and hope for understanding in the future is really all you can do.

When you want to change, there are things you can do, but until you do, you won't find much luck. Keep concentrating on your heart. May God bless you with the spirit of understanding that you desire.

xblack_x_rosesx (post: 1307285) wrote:I think I have a complex here though, because in a couple months I'm leaving for University... which means I WON'T be seeing him as much.
So I think I'm just trying to... make the time we spend together now worth it?

Or, both of you are insecure about the relationship. The problem (and the good thing) with sex is that it glues people together. In a committed (yes, married) relationship, that's what you want, because besides children it's a means of smoothing and reinforcing affection. But if you're actually insecure about the relationship -- for example, as you say, physical distance between people, and/or other various serious incompatibilities -- then all the sex is doing is delaying the inevitable in an attempt to hold the relationship together without having to fix the problem(s).

The thing about that is, it'll work, at least for awhile. As long as the (quite possibly unconscious or unacknowledged) tension between you and him is being mostly sublimated into physical intimacy, most people are able to ignore the leftover angst until they build up to a breaking point and the relationship inevitably fails. And that's true of hasty marriages, too, I might add.

What I suspect is going on is that both you and him have some serious doubts about your relationship that you either haven't brought into your conscious mind or are unsure how to discuss (him, the former, you, the latter), and the sex is only a means to dispel them. I'm thinking you guys should be looking into them in as objective a means as possible, because I'm concerned it's not just you going off to university that's the core issue.

I'm still struggling, but with my girl keeping me off the internet as much, it's been easier. Sorry for such a long time between updates.

You mentioned in my LJ about your similarities to me in terms of attachment styles, but I think this can also be worthwhile for Bri.

The way I see it, perhaps one option to do is to immediately improve upon what you can control: Yourself. Once you find a deeper sense of self-security, perhaps decisions you can make will be less dictated by your connection with him? Insecure attachment style stems from (usually) childhood upbringing and temperament. With an insecure attachment style, it's much harder to function in a healthy manner, especially if each party is unaware of each other's and their own interpersonal dynamics and functioning (and it's pretty common, too!).

And also, I know it's harder for you to accurately judge being that this is within your own perception, but are there frustrations he has towards you regarding some things? Marriage (or any relationship, for that matter) is a two-way street, ya know? I'm not calling you out on anything, ya know. But maybe he is upset about things which you don't realize?

Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibcy, two Christian psychologists, wrote a book called "Why You Do the Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships" which I just finished recently. It outlines attachment theory and what you can do to overcome insecurities in a spiritual and Godly way. It's very holistic when it comes to the combination of psychology and Christianity.

It's like 10 bucks on Amazon.com, too! I highly recommend it to anyone.

shooraijin wrote:What I suspect is going on is that both you and him have some serious doubts about your relationship that you either haven't brought into your conscious mind or are unsure how to discuss (him, the former, you, the latter), and the sex is only a means to dispel them. I'm thinking you guys should be looking into them in as objective a means as possible, because I'm concerned it's not just you going off to university that's the core issue.

I second what shoo says here. It's definitely a worthwhile thing to think about together. Just be careful to not dig for answers that do not exist, creating a "self-fulfilling prophecy", if you will.

At the very least it can't hurt, right?

Mr. SmartyPants (post: 1307378) wrote:I second what shoo says here. It's definitely a worthwhile thing to think about together. Just be careful to not dig for answers that do not exist, creating a "self-fulfilling prophecy", if you will.

At the very least it can't hurt, right?

Tbh, I don't think there are any "doubts" in the relationship. I mean, we're good, we haven't been having... well, ANY issues of the late. Mainly, we just want to get intimate, and do, but then feel bad. I don't think it'd help any to... question that.

Anyway, we're made a plan to NOT get... passionate, in ANY way, for a month. See how that goes. And like Tsuki said, not too much alone time ]

xblack_x_rosesx (post: 1307483) wrote:Tbh, I don't think there are any "doubts" in the relationship. I mean, we're good, we haven't been having... well, ANY issues of the late. Mainly, we just want to get intimate, and do, but then feel bad. I don't think it'd help any to... question that.

Anyway, we're made a plan to NOT get... passionate, in ANY way, for a month. See how that goes. And like Tsuki said, not too much alone time ]

Just rememeer to have someone be with you guys when you guys do hang out ^ ^;

You guys have been using protection.. right o.o?

@NekoChan_C: I felt bad just reading about your situation. That's got to be horrible and I probably wouldn't want to leave either, but I think if you guys go through counseling and this isn't fixed, you should leave for your own happiness and good.

1. He doesn't respect you
2. He doesn't want to help you out
3. He is gaining basically all the benefits of marriage without actually committing to it
4. He is unwilling to even TRY to stop looking at porn.

And I'm not entirely old-fashioned, but I'd say that God's design was for a mother to bond with her baby at the start of its life, and that's not adequately happening. Granted, it's not good for your baby if it doesn't have a father figure, but from the sound of it, your fiance might not turn out to be a very good father figure anyway, if he doesn't even love you enough to respect you.

I guess I'm just seeing red flags all over with this one because if he acts this way BEFORE you are married, he's definitely not going to change afterwards. One way or another, things need to change.

Sapphi (post: 1307491) wrote:@NekoChan_C: I felt bad just reading about your situation. That's got to be horrible and I probably wouldn't want to leave either, but I think if you guys go through counseling and this isn't fixed, you should leave for your own happiness and good.

I second this.

I mean, we all care about you and hate to see you in such pain.

I think you need to BOTH try everything possible to set your relationship back on track, but if, in the end, it doesn't work...

Just pray. God will help you through this if you let him, you just need to... be open to what he's trying to tell you.

We all just want you to be happy. =]

Bri.

I do not want to sound overly harsh, especially with the idea of wisdom and sensitivity being upheld in this thread, but I have to be perfectly frank: you still haven't done the one thing that should help more than anything else. Separation. I'm not saying forever, but it is the one thing you refused to do in your previous discussion of this topic, in preference of other solutions, and it appears again to be the one thing you still haven't done after those solutions have (apparently?) failed. Actually, if I'm reading your second post correctly, I would almost (almost) assume the prospect of leaving him has seemingly only interfered with your desire to stop.

xblack_x_rosesx (post: 1307285) wrote:I think I have a complex here though, because in a couple months I'm leaving for University... which means I WON'T be seeing him as much.
So I think I'm just trying to... make the time we spend together now worth it? Or something.
I'm confuzzled.

Cold turkey can be effective for some people, but it requires a particular personality or level of determination I am not sure you possess. I do not mean this to be demeaning or demoralizing, but if you have spare time and energy enough to engage yourself sexually six to seven times a day (plus the forethought of using the pill...be it next week), I don't think you're taking this as seriously as you should.

I am in no condition to pass judgment over you, nor am I exactly the resident King of Relationship Advice around here, but I am going to say this just once more: you need some space. Keep in contact with him, pursue your mutual interests, keep your bonds strong through other means, but remain physically distant for the time being, please. Remember this is not only your problem, he is involved as well. If you two continue to do this consensually, there is a notable malfunction of self-management on his end as well, and that is not something you can necessarily keep in check, even if you try to do so in your own behavior.

Please, persevere.

I still stick with my advice of getting some counseling on these issues. This is not something that a few discussions on an internet forum can fix.

Fish and Chips (post: 1307517) wrote:Bri.

I do not want to sound overly harsh, especially with the idea of wisdom and sensitivity being upheld in this thread, but I have to be perfectly frank: you still haven't done the one thing that should help more than anything else. Separation. I'm not saying forever, but it is the one thing you refused to do in your previous discussion of this topic, in preference of other solutions, and it appears again to be the one thing you still haven't done after those solutions have (apparently?) failed. Actually, if I'm reading your second post correctly, I would almost (almost) assume the prospect of leaving him has seemingly only interfered with your desire to stop.Cold turkey can be effective for some people, but it requires a particular personality or level of determination I am not sure you possess. I do not mean this to be demeaning or demoralizing, but if you have spare time and energy enough to engage yourself sexually six to seven times a day (plus the forethought of using the pill...be it next week), I don't think you're taking this as seriously as you should.

I am in no condition to pass judgment over you, nor am I exactly the resident King of Relationship Advice around here, but I am going to say this just once more: you need some space. Keep in contact with him, pursue your mutual interests, keep your bonds strong through other means, but remain physically distant for the time being, please. Remember this is not only your problem, he is involved as well. If you two continue to do this consensually, there is a notable malfunction of self-management on his end as well, and that is not something you can necessarily keep in check, even if you try to do so in your own behavior.

Please, persevere.

Thank you. =]

well... uhm.. I have failed to mention this prior, possibly because I felt that it didn't need to be said, but I guess I'll mention it now.

We HAVE tried seperation. Not in a "break" sense, but in the sense where we both... gave each other space, and just hung out and talked. Nothing physical- we didn't even see each other that often.
It was hard, but it seemed to be going well. This all happened after the first time we had intercourse, because we both felt so wrong and dirty about it, and we both agreed we needed distance.

But... the whole seperation thing backfired. I was trying to focus on God, he was trying to focus on... I don't know, but he was trying to focus on something, and then when we were both hanging out at my house, we just looked at each other, without saying a word, got in his car, drove out to his place.... and slept together.
It was like, BECAUSE we'd stopped doing the small physical stuff, we just... jumped each other at the first opportunity because we both wanted it so bad.

I don't know what this means.
I REALISE I am weak. And to be honest, HE'S not Christian, but half the time I'll be all over him, and he'll have to be the one to say we should stop. It kills me that I don't know what to do.

I've been praying... reading the Bible... I'm trying to change, and I'm trying to let God help me, but for some reason its.. weird.

I'm just in such confusion about it atm. =\

@Bri: It's not all going to happen all at once. You will both have to work on the seperation thing together (haha, that made no sense, but I think you know what I mean. You will both have to work on this) Limit the time you guys are alone When hanging out, make sure it's in a group ^__^

This may sound silly, but ask him what he thinks the relationship would be like if there was no sex. You answer this too, Bri ^ ^

Sapphi (post: 1307491) wrote:@NekoChan_C: I felt bad just reading about your situation. That's got to be horrible and I probably wouldn't want to leave either, but I think if you guys go through counseling and this isn't fixed, you should leave for your own happiness and good.

1. He doesn't respect you
2. He doesn't want to help you out
3. He is gaining basically all the benefits of marriage without actually committing to it
4. He is unwilling to even TRY to stop looking at porn.

Not wanting to sound like I'm siding with him or anything, but let's all remember that we don't know Neko and her fiancee very well so it may be best to not be quick to pass judgment like this...

Did I mention this is a complicated issue that will require the knowledge of a counselor or a wise, experienced married couple? ^_~

This may sound silly, but ask him what he thinks the relationship would be like if there was no sex. You answer this too, Bri ^ ^

--

We've only started recently. We spent almost 2 years in a relationship WITHOUT it. It's just... strengthened our bond? Which is why its hard to stop.