Depression, Faith, Selfishness, and Other Things

[Mullet Death]

*I'm not really sure how to convey everything that's been going on in my life for quite some time. I guess I'll just simplify things and start by saying that I'm never happy. I think I have pretty radical mood changes throughout the day, and though I might have those "manic" highs, the lows are really entrenched in my existence. After a lot of self-reflection and googling, I've convinced myself that I have a lot of a psychological conditions over these past several years of seemingly endless misery and mediocrity. But lately it's becoming really clear to me that if nothing else, I'm very depressed, and there may be a lot more to the story. I've strongly believed that I may have borderline personality disorder for instance, as well as obsessive compulsive disorder. I'm not really sure what to think about any of those and other possibilities at this point. I'm not really sure I know myself all that well any more, if I ever knew at all. That makes it all the harder to try and describe what's wrong to anyone.

I was going to try and dig really deep and spill my heart out into this post, but, again, I don't think I know how, and part of me wonders if I would only be doing that for attention or something. That's not why I'm writing this thread, I think, but that's another thing that's been bothering me. My actions and intentions have not always been fully sincere, including things involivng my faith. Don't know how to go into detail about that, but it's safe to assume that those Bible verses about hypocrites and people who try to appear holy for their own sake apply embarrasingly to me. Even now, after not having been in Church for so long, I still try to save face with many to play the part of "good Christian." I know there are some here who may believe there is no such thing, but I do (they're called saints after they've left this world) and I am not one of them, but my arrogance says otherwise. Even as I type this, I wonder if I'm putting on the "repentance" face too strongly. That's my method of operation, probably. It's weird when the way your pride manifests itself is in false humility and religious practices for the wrong reasons, but I think I've sometimes done that.

What's worse than not always being humble about my faith is abandoning it, and I've also done that in cycles for years. Now it's gotten worse than it's ever been. For quite a long while now there have been days and moments where I simply stopped believing in God at all, much less practicing my faith. I want to go back to a time where I can believe again, but I just can't. Somewhere in my continuous moments of suffering and wallowing in self-pity I let go. Some people relay that when they become Atheists they experience a great relief; that a great weight is lifted off their shoulders. Maybe that is so for them, but it is not so for me. Belief is not something I let go of willingly or happily. It is more like a cruel reality I've never wanted to accept-- that this world is actually terrible and inherently meaningless, and I am nothing more than common, everyday, genetically inferior trash trapped within it. The honest thought that I only bother going on living because I have to (since it would destroy other people's lives if I commited suicide) has been in my mind lately. I don't recall ever feeling quite like this before and I don't like it.

While we're on the subject of my sins, I should at least breifly mention my "mature prayer topic" purity issues. I've always had a problem in this area, and it only gets worse. Only now, just like I've lost the will to believe, and I've lost the will to fight against lust. I'll leave it at that.

I hate the people I'm supposed to love, yet I can reveal my deepest darkest secrets to strangers, like in this post. I'm always angry, often explosively and with no regard for the appropiate level for the situation. I'm never at peace, especially as I lie awake at night. I'm never truly happy any more, yet I can remember a very real time when I frequented Mass that I was happy. I could probably ramble on and on. I'm so **** off, depressed, unsatisfied, and empty. This must be what Hell is like, and I truly believe that if I were to die today, that is where I would go if there is a just God. I'm not trying to be mellowdramatic in this post. I'm just trying to be genuine.

So, I know this may be a TL;DR type of post, but I hope some of you read it, get a bit of a feel for the real, ugly me, and pray for me. This is only scratching the surface of the awful things I've been feeling, probably because I don't usually talk about it. I want to "come back" and genuinely change. I can't do it alone.

To sum up my intentions:

1.) That I work on myself and get help for depression and anything else
2.) That I come to believe, and act on that belief sincerely
3.) That I become a better, more well-rounded person that can seek to help others rather than simply wallow in self-pity

[Wolfsong]

Some people relay that when they become Atheists they experience a great relief; that a great weight is lifted off their shoulders. Maybe that is so for them, but it is not so for me. Belief is not something I let go of willingly or happily. It is more like a cruel reality I've never wanted to accept-- that this world is actually terrible and inherently meaningless, and I am nothing more than common, everyday, genetically inferior trash trapped within it.

Its stuff like this...I don't understand Atheists at all.
Somehow...don't take this wrong, but I actually find this comforting. Why? Because it reminds me I'm not the only one who feels like this. Though the fact its a friend is...painful too.
Listen...don't ever give up. I've been struggling with the same sense of depression and faith issues, though I suppose I have the "advantage" of having a Mom to force me out of bed to go to church on Sundays XD.
Its not arrogance, its a need inside you. I know, I had this long time and only just recently began to realize. If you feel the need to talk, or even just vent a little, or you just need some kind words, pm me. I'll do everything I can.
I'll pray for you Mullet. My first piece of advice, however: Get back to Church. That, first and foremost, will help. Maybe not at first, but you will start to feel better.

[goldenspines]

Firstly, I will be praying, which will hopefully bring you some comfort.

Secondly, I'll try not to get long winded, but hopefully some of my words will help encourage you more than anything.
Your current situation reminds me a bit of my own (more so five years ago when I rejected everything in Christianity except God. Truth be told, I HATED other Christians and the facades they put up to be "good", especially since it reminded me of the life I had been living up until then as a "perfect Christian"), though I don't think my own situation was quite the same, but I hope I can offer something to ease your frustration.
Unlike you, though, I don't think anyone is a "good Christian" (Romans 3 is one example of what I base this belief on).

Long story short, I think everyone is the world is an idiot, but heck, God loves us all anyway.

Okay, yeah, I'm sure you've heard that one before (the God loving us one, not the idiot part XD), so have I. In fact, I could quote it to other people faster than I could admit it to myself. "God loves you."


Overall, it could be that you may benefit from talking to a counselor or someone you trust and respect about this. But I'll leave that to more knowledgeable people that myself to point you towards. I'll just offer you a few things you can choose to think on if you like (and sheesh, I will try to be more optimistic in this post because I feel like this is getting too dreary, even for me).

In regards to your belief, consider what you think being a Christian is. is it going to church? Is it being happy at church? It is doing X, Y, and Z things?

Give everything to God in your life. This one's a toughie, though, and I can understand that. I'm not saying this in a "don't seek professional help at all because God can solve all your problems, yay!" sort of way, but rather, by giving God control, you may find yourself less worried about things and more able to follow whatever direction He leads you (which may be to professional help or something else).

But before that second part, I suppose I should mention that being honest with God is a good place to start. I mean, heck, you can tell God that you feel terrible and that you are angry and upset at everything going the way it is. I only say this because it was something I did, yell at God, that is. Quite often in fact. To me, at the time, it was a win win situation. I felt better after yelling and if yelling somehow made God upset and he struck me down with lightening, then there's an answer to all my troubles in a divine way (and just too!). XP
Okay, that's a little too dark, I think, but seriously, it's important to be honest with God. I mean, I know He can already see what you're going through, but being willing to open those lines of communication can do a lot. Be willing to vent, but also be willing to listen if He does want to tell you something.

Two important things I've learned from God over the past five years are these: He loves each person differently (because we all can't be loved the same, I'm sure you know) and He loves us adamantly; and Christianity is ridiculously simple. It's so simple, in fact, that it's difficult. Just believe and you will be saved? What type of joke is that, right? But it's something I've discovered to be true.

Most of all, please don't give up. Not that I think you will, considering you post speaks great maturity and reason. Some people never come to the point where they realize they can't do stuff on their own, and think, "Hey, I might need help with this." even if you don't know what kind of help you need.

Kudos if you read this whole thing. XD Again, I'll be praying and feel free to hit me up via PM any time if you want to talk or if you just want someone to talk to (I'm an okay listener on good days) and I'll try not to be dark and gloomy, I promise!

[faithb4sight]

People put on facades all the time - to protect themselves, to protect others... for whatever reason. But if you don't yell or reach out for help, how will anyone know that you need them? You were willing to put your heart on the line in your post, and I think it shows a dedication you may not know you have. You're reaching out - you're calling for help, and it's obviously towards the only One who can give you peace.

I can't give you a formula that will solve your problems super-fast with a money-back guarantee. I CAN give you a direction - and that's to God through prayer, your Bible, and church. You'll find God when you seek Him, but it may take time. Begin with a small step in His direction, and build on it.

We've all failed. Every.Single.One of us. We're all drenched in sin-soaked garments, and all sins are disgusting before our Holy God. It's a scary truth. Why would God want us, so covered in filth? It's simply complicated. God loves us. I can't tell you the reason why - I surely can't understand it myself.

It's in our darkest times, I think, that we see how far from God we really are. We're floating in this dark sea of sin and God looks so very far away. But He's a light we can't ignore, and I think you'll find that you've been drifting in His direction without realizing it. He's the sun - we naturally gravitate towards His orbit. But the sun can be a scary thing. It can burn, it can blind. But it can also heal and give light to the very darkest parts of our hearts. You want that warmth - I can tell. Take off those sunglasses clouding your vision. God is real, he's right in front of you. He's holding out His hand towards you. But He won't drag you back into His embrace. You'll have to choose to take that first step.

I'm believing that you'll find what you need. I will be praying for you.

[drill]

Hello Mullet,

As I don't want to create another lengthy post for you to read, I'll keep it short.

I don't know too much about Catholicism, but if I remember correctly, the main difference was that salvation was not a one time process and instead it was a life long process. Now, I'm not telling you to change your beliefs in anything, but I would recommend that you evaluate this part of your faith, mostly because it places a huge burden on people and can be a major cause of depression.

I'll definitely be praying for you. Your situation in most regards, was how I was about four years ago, and by seeking professional christian counseling, I got through all of that, and am here today a completely different person. I recommend that you also get some professional christian counseling too. Also, feel free to PM me about anything.

[nillapoet]

I'm right there with you bro. On almost all accounts. I let the anger, stress, and frustration build up until the point of anxiety and panic attacks, which are even more difficult to overcome. I'll keep this short, so you don't have another essay to read. Visit a christian counselor or find people you can talk to about it. My inbox is empty if you need a someone to talk to, that's been in almost the same situation. Prayers for you my friend.

[Mullet Death]

Just thought I'd drop in and say that I read all of your posts and am grateful for them. Don't be afraid to be as lengthy or as thorough as you want. When it's directed at me, no post is too long to take 2-5 minutes to sit and read, esepcially if it's in goodwill and intended for my edification. I will take you guys up on your offers, and I promise to respond to you each of you indiividually, but give me some time.

[Panda4christ:3]

Can't even put into words how much I relate to your post.
I wish I had some deep moving words to say to you, but all I can really say is that I'm here for you, and I'm praying c:

[TheAlbinoMoose]

I don't have any great words of wisdom but I understand where you're coming from entirely. I am praying for you and I hope you find peace with God really soon.

[ClaecElric4God]

Praying, Mullet.